Later that night, after putting Noah to bed, Olivia sat down on her couch with a glass of wine. The weight of the day catching up with her, she closed her eyes as she took a big sip. The liquid burned her throat a bit, but she relished the physical pain as it shifted her mind away from the emotional one.

She was feeling so many emotions at the same time. Hurt, by Elliot leaving and staying silent for ten years. Disappointment, brought on by Barba who put her in a shitty position and didn't consider their friendship above his job. Sadness, about the whole situation, where Elliot was back but everything between them was different and about the whole mess with Kathy. Confusion, about her feelings in all of this. Anger, at herself mostly, but at Elliot and Rafael as well. Longing, mostly for Elliot to be her partner again. Nostalgia, about a time where everything seemed so simple.

She realized that as much as she wanted to be mad at Elliot for leaving the way he did, for missing out on the last ten years of her life, she always found herself longing for his presence, wanting to be near him, with him. She wanted to seek comfort from him, even though he was the main source of her pain. Taking another sip from her glass, she sighed deeply. She felt emotionally drained.

As she finished her glass, she noticed her phone buzz. Glancing quickly at the screen she saw the name of the person who sent the text. She should have known he'd check on her at some point. And yet, it still felt foreign to her. She had worked so had the last ten years to eradicate the hope to see his name on her phone again, that even after almost a year, she had to take a double look to make sure she wasn't hallucinating.

Got home safe?

I did. How are the rest of the day in court? She replied.

They asked for a recess for the evening, nothing new to report.

Ok.

Olivia waited.

I'm sorry again for putting you through this.

I just hope it helps.

Me too.

She knew he wasn't finished.

You seemed sad when we talked outside…I realize it's all my fault, but I want you to know I'm sorry, Olivia. So sorry.

She felt the sting in her eyes return.

I'd do anything to repair the damage I've caused, if I could. And as much as I'd like to be there for you, I know I have to give you the time you need to process everything. But I PROMISE that if or when you *do* want me there for you, in whatever capacity, I'll show up. I'm not backing away. I'm here to stay, until you tell me otherwise. Let me know if you need anything. Love, El.

She couldn't hold back anymore. She let her tears flow.

She didn't answer to his last text, because she honestly didn't know what to say. She put the wine away and went to bed. After two hours of tossing and turning, she sighed, frustrated. She was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. She turned her head on the pillow and looked at her phone on the table beside her bed. Against every rational thought, she picked it up. The light on the screen hurt her eyes but she continued anyway.

I can't sleep…

It took him less than 30 seconds to reply.

Me neither. Tried counting sheeps?

She smiled at his lame joke.

I lost count after 900…

She imagined he was smiling too.

I'd give you advice, but insomnia is my worst enemy…

Yeah...

Another minute passed. Olivia didn't really know what she expected by texting him at this hour.

If you want, we could go eat some lame food at the dinner like old times, or something.

Again, in some other words, he was asking her what she needed. She tried opening up.

I'm not sure what I need right now…or what I want…

It seemed simpler to have these conversations by text. Or maybe it was the wine…or the lack of sleep.

What don't you want?

That was an interesting take on the question. She thought about it for a moment and began writing what popped into her mind.

I don't want to feel exhausted anymore. I don't want to be afraid you'll leave again some day. I don't want to have to push you away to protect myself. I don't want to *have* to protect myself from you. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be hurt again.

She pressed send and then things she did want became clearer.

I want to trust you. I want you in my life. In Noah's life. I need you.

She waited a whole minute, looking at her screen, searching for his answer but it never came. Maybe it was too much. Maybe she read him wrong.

But then her cell rang. She pressed the answer button and put the phone to her ear, her head still on the pillow.

"Yeah?"

"I want to be there for you. I want what's best for you, always. I want to come to you right now." He spoke softly.

She closed her eyes. She felt his need to see her as much as her need to be with him.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Don't let me change my mind, El."

"I'll be there in 20."

"Okay."

When the soft knock came at her door, Olivia pulled the blanket she had around her tighter and went to open it. They stayed at her doorstep, both looking exhausted and vulnerable. Maybe the most vulnerable they had been yet, with each other. Barriers were crumbling, and they were left just the two of them, raw.

She moved to let him in and closed the door behind him. She wasn't sure what she expected him to do now. Elliot started walking into her living room, but then stopped and turned around rather abruptly. Olivia was surprised at first, but then he looked at her blanket and grabbed the front on it as if to steady himself.

"We don't have to talk tonight, I just wanted to be here for you."

Olivia let out a breath and nodded.

"I just want to sleep…" she spoke in a small voice.

"Come on."

He guided her through her own apartment and even though he hadn't been here much, he knew where to go to reach her bedroom. She was hesitant but was too tired to protest. Plus, she trusted him. And it felt so good.

Once inside he pulled the covers for her. She gave him the blanket and slid between the sheets without a word. He tucked her in and made his way to the other side of the bed, got rid of his shoes, slowly lowered himself on the bed as well, but above the covers. He used the blanket on him. He shifted closer and wrapped his arm around her torso.

"You'll tell me if this is too much, right?" he murmured.

Olivia nodded in the dark. Actually, this was just perfect. Exactly what she needed. The realization that Elliot knew exactly what she needed, even when she didn't, made her feel weird. Maybe she should let him tell her what she wants. Maybe she *could* trust him with identifying and meeting her needs.

Sighing, she closed her eyes and just enjoyed his presence. She felt safe now. She felt taken care of. She felt loved.

And maybe this was all it was about, in the end.

musical-Aven

December 2021