Previously onThe Young And The Force Sensitive...

Jaina was suspicious

And

Jacen and Tahiri got it on…

Season 2
Episode 5

High tide, mid afternoon
People fly by in the traffics boom
Knowing, just where you're blowing
Getting to where you should be going

Don't let them get you down
Making you feel guilty about
Golden rain, will bring you riches
All the good things, you deserve now

Climbing forever trying
Find your way out, of the wild, wild wood
Now there's no justice
There's only yourself, that you can trust in

And I say, "High tide, mid afternoon"
Oh, people fly by, in the traffics boom
Oh, knowing, just where you're blowing
Getting to where you should be going

Day by day your world fades away
Waiting to feel, all the dreams that say
Golden rain will bring you riches
All the good things, you deserve now

And I say, "Climbing forever trying"
You're gonna find your way out

Of the wild wild wood

Say that, you're gonna find your way out

Of the wild wild wood, of the wild, wild wood

Wild Wood/Paul Weller

Hiking Trail On the Outskirts of Senate City, Coruscant
40 ABY
Ten Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War

Jaina and Jacen were half way up the mountain when Jacen called a halt to their hike.

"We've barely gone ten klicks. What's your problem?"

"I'm old and tired," Jacen answered as he headed towards the glassy lake they were rounding and sat down at the edge, pulling a bottle of water out of his backpack.

Jaina sat next to him and did the same. "I don't accept that answer. That would make me old too."

Jacen grinned at his sister, but said nothing.

"Maybe you'd have more energy to hike if you didn't spend so much time engaged in contemplation and shielding."

Now he glared at her, but couldn't carry the expression for long, so he turned back to the view.

"Hey, it was just a suggestion. Anyway, other than work stuff… what's had you so focused lately?"

"Lately?" Jacen snorted.

Sadness welled up in Jaina and she wondered, for the millionth time it seemed, if she would ever regain Jacen's trust or respect after her years of self-absorption. Looking down to the water for a moment she gathered her courage, knowing that if it really was her goal to show her brother how she had changed, she needed to trudge on.

"Sorry. I suppose for all I know you've been this inwardly focused for years and I was too wrapped up in my own shit to realize it. But the bottom line is I'm really trying to mend the relationships in my life that matter to me and our relationship matters to me. So your choices are either you can verbally abuse me for my past wrongs, or you can meet me halfway and let me show you that I care."

Jaina watched him carefully and saw that he had listened to her words. By the arch of his eyebrows he seemed to be impressed that she had spoken so forthrightly. The question was going to be whether he would open up to her. When his face began to scrunch and his eyes narrowed and opened a few times she was thrilled. This had always been the precursor to any big personal revelation.

He finally looked up at the sky and said, "Nothing important," and she was sure her dismay radiated through what twin bond was left.

She was about to protest, but then stopped herself and decided on a different course.

"So… why don't you and Tahiri want anyone to know about your relationship?"

Jacen was so still that Jaina wondered if he was pretending he hadn't heard her.

Finally he said, "She doesn't want anyone to know about our relationship."

Delighted at this victory, Jaina was not about to let it go and silently willed herself not to kriff this conversation up. The last thing she wanted to do was say something insensitive that caused him to close back down.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Not happy, hence the contemplation and shielding."

"And here I assumed that you were trying to solve the ills of the universe."

"Are you disappointed in me?"

"Nah, I figure you and I are good on that; we've already saved the universe once."

Jacen smiled sadly. "I mean about me and Tahiri."

Jaina was heartbroken that he couldn't gauge her reactions better than that. Reaching over and gently pulling on Jacen's chin so they were looking into each others' eyes, she asked, "Why would you think I'd be disappointed?"

He lowered his gaze and Jaina realized what was coming just before he said it and stopped him.

"No. You cannot feel guilty about that. Even if Anakin had survived Myrkr, they may not have actually gotten together. They were children. It might have become more than that…"

"It was more than that."

Jaina's mind flashed to a scene she still found painful to recall; Tahiri weeping and incoherent, covered in dirt and blood, wrapped around Anakin's husk-shrouded corpse. She looked so small and frail, but her grief radiated in the Force with a blinding brilliance. Jaina had a vague recollection of thinking at the time that her baby brother and his verbose sidekick might have become more than friends while she wasn't paying attention, but she still couldn't wrap her brain around the idea that it had been as serious as Jacen was claiming.

"She was fifteen." Jaina finally said in disbelief.

Jacen grimaced. "Fourteen. It started not long after Yag'Dhul."

She sat stunned for a few moments. "Dead all these years and he can still shock me. I always knew they were precocious but... kriff…"

"Yeah… And for the record, she knows she was way too young and is cranky that we were all allowed to run around with almost no structure or adult supervision and get into the shit we got into, even before the invasion."

"It's sort of amazing we only lost Anakin."

"That's what she says. We talked about their relationship a lot when we were first living on Ossus together. It came up because being treated as though she was still 'his' was hard for her; made her feel both like an appendage, and guilty for wanting to move on. Now, she'll always be grateful that she had the time with him that she did, and she's glad she survived it all, but she's aware of where a lot of her issues come from."

Jaina shook her head.

"By the way, the things you said the other night meant a lot to her, and she was really happy about meeting you for lunch. She's missed you and truly does love you."

Sighing, Jaina said, "I truly love her too."

"I know you do."

"How long have you guys been… ?"

"Engaging in a secret intimate relationship? Five… ish… years."

She was vaguely aware of Jacen's hand reaching out to her, and then felt his fingers under her chin, lifting it, to close her mouth.

He chuckled, "Wouldn't want any bugs to land in there."

"How in the worlds have you managed to keep this secret? In the midst of Solos, Skywalkers, Fels and Jedi? We're the most interfering beings in the galaxy."

"Honestly, it sort of baffles me that we've gotten away with it for so long. I guess with how hectic our schedules are… and the fact that everyone knows we're close... it's never occurred to anyone to dig into just how often we're in the same place. We'll see if anyone notices now that I'm based here and more people will be aware of where I'm supposed to be. But when we're around other people we don't really act any different than we did when we were roommates at Happy House."

"Like an old married couple?"

"Yeah."

"Oh stars! Context!"

Jacen looked at her blankly.

"You don't speak to her 'as often as you'd like'. You're 'relatively sure she knows you'd rather see her with someone else'. In a different context a lot of the things you said the other night take on a whole new meaning. She 'jumped straight into bed…'"

Jacen chuckled.

"You 'enjoy having her...'. You can 'handle' her..." Jaina rolled her eyes as he actually laughed. "Kriff Jace, I've spent days dissecting that entire conversation, wondering if I was crazy because I was so sure something was up but I didn't feel any outright deception. And she gave me nothing at lunch."

"Technically…"

Jaina rolled her eyes. "From a certain point of view? Kriff, I hate that phrase."

Jacen laughed again.

"'There are other ways to get warm'?"

He laughed even harder at that. "Okay, that actually started out innocently during our first few months at Happy House. Between her campaign to kriff with Zekk's head and her preference for wearing shorts and a tank top, she'd complain that she was cold and turn up the heat. I kept turning it down and telling her if she was cold to stop kriffing with Zekk and put on more clothes. Over the years it's evolved. Now she says if I refuse to crank the heat then she refuses to lay around the house in nothing but lingerie. Which, by the way, I've never asked her to do."

Jaina shook her head. "I may need a memory wipe..."

He smirked, "You're the one that brought it up."

"How did it start between you?"

Sighing and becoming serious he asked, "Whole story?"

Jaina nodded, then asked, "wait, five years? No, highlights, but I reserve the right to ask clarifying questions."

"Alright. The first time she came back from Csilla Mom and Dad told her she could use the beach house as a base for as long as she needed. They guilted me into going there for our lifeday that year, then Mom got called to Denon for a last minute meeting, so when I arrived at the house Tahiri was on a break between shows and there alone.

"We had done that mission together about a year before she resigned, and during that week… she was already one of my closest friends, and I'm not actually as oblivious as I'm given credit for being…"

Jaina felt her mouth fall open again. "So I guess this means your hormones have woken up?" Jacen snickered and Jaina rolled her eyes. "Feel free to leave what a lucky girl she is out of your story."

"Anyway, I'd have needed to be oblivious and blind to not see that she was beautiful… and we had so much fun together. I already had a crush on her, but during that mission, it got worse."

Jacen's expression became wistful as he talked, and Jaina realized this wasn't a joke, or an infatuation; he actually had feelings for Tahiri.

"We were sent to investigate a group of art dealers who were selling artifacts on the black market; the cultural groups they belonged to wanted them back and Intel wanted to know who was fencing them and where the profits were going. We were posing as a rich married couple on a buying spree, and she was… amazing. She was smart and fast and really good at all the undercover stuff and the acting. And, in the end, I'm not sure I would have survived that mission if it weren't for her."

Jacen was quiet for a few heartbeats, clearly remembering, then shook his head slightly and continued, "Anyway, beach house - it was the first time I had seen or spoken to her since she'd left Ossus, and we were walking back from dinner and I finally gave her that kiss Anakin asked me to give her..."

The more focused on his story Jacen became, the more his shielding began to slip, not a lot, but just enough for Jaina to get a glimpse of the agony this situation was causing him. Realizing that she was connecting to him in a way she hadn't in years, she wanted him to keep talking; needed him to keep talking, so she searched for another question.

"What do you guys do together? I mean... other than each other."

The indignant look Jacen gave her said a lot, and Jaina regretted how she had worded her question.

"Sorry, it's just sort of hard for me to imagine you two together."

Jacen gave her a roguish grin. "My advice would be to not to imagine us 'together'."

"Ewwwwwwww."

Her brother laughed, clearly delighted with himself for grossing her out.

"I mean… is there more to this than a physical attraction? I'm asking a genuine question here."

"Of course there is. For the most part we're like any normal couple. If you don't count that I'm a Jedi, she was a Jedi, she's now the most popular entertainer in the galaxy, she's living with the most powerful and controversial politician in the Outer Rim... and no one knows about our relationship. Other than that..."

Jaina stared at him, and then finally laughed. "You know what the frightening thing is? I don't have the vaguest idea what a 'normal' couple does."

Jacen rolled his eyes, "We do all the same things we did before we were together; actually, anything I do is better if I'm doing it with her. We have dinners, we watch holovids, we talk, read books to each other, we spar, we work out. In fact, even though she doesn't go on missions anymore she still trains like she does, says it helps with her stamina for performing. She's in incredible shape."

Jaina couldn't tell if he was referring to Tahiri's ability or physique, but let that go.

"A couple of years ago we bought a place on Wyloff, her manager - Junger - suggested it for tax reasons, so she decided to use it as her headquarters for the label and company. That's actually consumed a lot of our time and energy, and we only finished the last of the work a few months ago."

"We?"

"Yeah. We started an investment company a few years ago, mostly commercial stuff, but it also owns the apartment here, Happy House, our last place on Ossus… and then we personally rent this place and the cottage from the corporation."

"I'd forgotten about the business stuff. And it took you two years to remodel a cottage?"

"Whole compound. The property is stunning; there's a lake, woods, a meadow, an old hangar tucked into the tree line, but she didn't like the house itself; said it was too big and cold, and couldn't make up her mind about whether to buy or keep looking. She asked me to meet her there so we could decide and when we were out exploring we found this spot… this spit of land that sticks out into the lake right above the waterfall, the view is breathtaking. I suggested building a cottage there, converting the existing house into guest apartments, and turning the hangar into the studio and offices. She loved my ideas, but with work, how much she already had going on… and we hated the idea of delegating it to strangers so… before I knew it, I was handling the whole thing."

"You built her a house?"

"It's not like I pounded nails…"

Jaina stared at him in amazement, stunned that Jacen didn't seem to see the significance in this. "Just designed it and supervised the construction?"

"She helped with the colors and furniture at the cottage. And her sound engineer gave me a list of the equipment they wanted for the studio and how he wanted it laid out. And when she's traveling, if she sees a piece of art she likes she sends me holos. If we think it will fit anywhere on Wyloff, or now the apartment here, she buys it and brings it back. I did a lot of the decorating around the major pieces, but yeah…"

"So for the first time in her life she had her own space, and complete freedom to do anything she wanted with it, and she not only made it a joint investment but handed control over to you? As if you didn't have a day job?"

Not as oblivious you're credited with, my ass.

"I have lived with her for years, I know her taste. And I ran most of the big ideas and decisions past her, though I did manage to sneak in a few surprises."

"Tell me one of her surprises wasn't a kitchen."

Jacen snorted. "Her proclivity for blowing shit up still astounds me." Then he smiled and said, "the kitchen's incredible though… she insisted. Said if building me a gourmet kitchen ensured I'd keep cooking for her it was money well spent."

"And in a pinch, she'll have more shoe storage."

Jacen chuckled. "Not necessary. I made her dressing room bigger than our last place on Ossus. And there's a whole room in the hangar for 'fashion deep storage' that you could park an X-wing in, for the stuff she gets sick of after wearing over and over on tour or event gowns that she's not ready to donate. But when we were first working out the layout of the cottage I sent her a kitchen sketch… I drew shoes in the cupboards, and covering the counters, and stacks of shoe boxes everywhere. I wrote in the names of her favorite designers on the boxes… and then put in a little stick figure with blonde curls pulling herself up, trying to see over the stacks."

"Kriff," Jaina laughed out, "You mocked her height, her shoe addiction and her inability to cook in one drawing?"

"I was pleased with myself for getting it all in, and she admitted that she was only offended for about 3 seconds, she thought it was funny too. Actually, she had it framed. It's hanging in the kitchen."

"Mom's mentioned the cottage but I never realized it was part of an estate or that you guys owned that much together. Does anyone else have any idea how involved you were, or is it common practice to give just enough information that everyone overlooks the significance?"

"Not consciously at first, but yeah, as time went by we both started doing that."

"Okay, so this isn't just a friends-slash-business-partners-with-benefits thing?"

"No. I mean that part is… phenomenal. In fact, I never imagined... But no, it has never been just physical, whether she'll ever admit it or not. From the first kiss… well, actually the second…"

Jacen's voice trailed off once more and Jaina felt another wave of sadness radiate from him.

"Jasa... if you don't want to talk about this anymore, I understand. It was mean of me to bring it up the way I did and I do appreciate the fact that I haven't been around or acted very concerned about your life in the last few years, but I want you to know that I do care and I will listen whenever you need me to."

He reached out and squeezed her hand. "Thank you. Actually, it's kind of nice to share. I've never spoken to anyone about this. But I guess that also makes it hard to put it into words."

"Never?" As Jacen was shaking his head, she added, "Not to Cem or Jag, or even Dex?"

While Jaina understood why he'd never told her, she was shocked he hadn't shared this with anyone else, but then again, Cem and Jag had become brothers to Tahiri, and Dex was one of her oldest friends; if Tahiri didn't want anyone to know, of course he couldn't tell them.

Her heart ached for Jacen; the pain of carrying this around on his own was unimaginable to her. Clearly he needed to get this out though and decided that even if the concept of Jacen and Tahiri was still a little weird, she needed to give him all the room she could to pour out his heart.

"So?" she prodded softly, "The second kiss?"

Jacen's eyes were slightly glazed, so Jaina waited in silence until he was ready to speak again.

"The first kiss was for Anakin."

Jaina didn't have to ask; she was suddenly hit with another mental replay of that horrible mission; her baby brother's last moments, and remembered the telepathic conversation between the boys.

Boys… that's exactly what they were on Mykyr… just… boys…

"His goodbye kiss?"

"Yeah… we were walking back to the house from Trudie's when I remembered that I had never done that for him. Or her. So, I did. And then... she kissed me. And then... the next thing I knew, I was really kissing her…"

"And?"

"And… my life hasn't been the same since. My first thought every morning is to wonder where she is, or thank the Force if she's with me, and my last thought every night is hoping she's safe and happy, whether she's with me or not. When anything good happens, she's the one I want to share it with, and when I'm down... I know that the only place I'll find real comfort is in her arms. And when I'm with her… with her, it's the closest I've come to feeling…"

Jacen paused again, clearly struggling to find words.

"When I was fighting Omini, there was a moment at the end, where I felt filled with a sense of bliss, of utter contentment… I'm not really sure how or even if it's possible to explain it, but I knew then that I'd both never feel it again and spend the rest of my life looking for it. I spent nearly two years after the war wandering the galaxy searching for that feeling of wholeness, and when I'm with her, I come really, really close."

The twins sat in yet another long silence, both in their own way trying to process what Jacen had just said.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

For the first time in their long conversation Jaina saw something akin to happiness on Jacen's face.

"Very much so."

Of course, it didn't last long.

"But she's living with another man and doesn't want anyone to know about you and her."

Jacen nodded his head, "In a cracknut shell..."

Jaina let her gaze fall back down to the smooth surface of the lake, momentarily captivated by the Force signatures of so many different species of life filling the body of water. There was so much activity just under the surface, invisible to the naked eye, yet only centimeters away from her feet and, until now, overlooked by her because of her focus on the conversation with her brother.

Jaina realized that she was experiencing an important moment. She had spent several years vacillating between feeling horrible guilt for not being a better sister/daughter/friend/lover and anger at those closest to her because of her guilt. Only recently she had begun to realize that none of those people in her life had expected of her what she expected of herself, and therefore it was truly her own issues that had driven wedges between her and all the people she cared about. The love and acceptance of Jacen, her parents, her fellow Jedi... Jag… had been right in front of her and she had only been able to see her own reflection.

Maybe it was time to stop beating herself up for her perceived failures and simply try to be more attentive. She needed to get over herself and work to repair those relationships while she still had a chance. Focusing on Jacen's anguish and offering him comfort was a perfect opportunity.

"Do you ever talk about why she wants to keep your relationship a secret?"

"Not recently, and when we have it's always variations on the same reasons she gave in the beginning, but I didn't believe they were valid then or now."

"What were they?"

Jacen exhaled heavily and blew a few errant locks of hair off his forehead as he leaned back on his hands.

"That it's no one's business… or that we're just friends having fun and why complicate a good thing with other people's expectations. My least favorite reason is that she's doing me a favor by not allowing it to be more than it is. She's convinced that she isn't capable of true bonding, that she's too damaged from everything she's been through to have a real relationship."

"Yet, she's with Tarkin."

Jaina felt a tremor in the Force she'd never felt from Jacen before, a mixture of pain and rage, and Jaina was struck with her second epiphany in as many minutes; Jacen was hiding some of his deeper resentment at the situation from himself, and if those emotions ever came out… she pitied the person - Tahiri - on the receiving end.

"Would it be any less painful if it ended with him?"

Jacen's face brightened in what Jaina assumed was well practiced indifference. "We don't talk about him."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that. I found out about their relationship on the holonet and assumed she'd stop meeting me, but she didn't. And when we did meet again, she didn't say a word. Finally, I asked her straight out and she told me she didn't want to talk about him, but that their relationship had nothing to do with us."

"How is that possible?"

"It defies logic, I know. It's as though our relationship doesn't exist when he's around, and he doesn't exist when we're alone."

Jaina was too stunned to even comment and just sat staring at her brother until he said, "But I have theories."

"Well let's hear them. I'd hate for all that contemplation to go to waste."

Jacen's demeanor changed significantly, brightening, as though he wasn't talking about his own warped love life, but something far less consequential.

"It could be that she still feels guilty for moving on with her life after Anakin's death and doesn't want to deal with the emotional repercussions of doing it with me, of all people, so she stays in what I think is a sham relationship with Tarkin and ignores what we would have together."

Jacen, if his expression was any indicator, clearly thought this was a good theory.

"Or… she's still in love with Anakin and I'm somehow serving as a proxy for her one true love, and she can never tell me. I think this is unlikely; what I said earlier about how she feels about it, we discussed all of that when I first got back to Ossus, but in the early morning hours, when I can't sleep and I'm aching for her, you'd be amazed at the far fetched theories my brain has conjured."

Jaina smiled, knowing her brother well enough to know that he was fully capable of coming up with far fetched theories.

"Or… she really does just think of me as a good friend… who happens to rock her world every chance he gets…"

Jaina reached between her feet and stretched her arm to cup a handful of water to throw at Jacen, who laughed and ducked, but was unable to avoid all of what she threw at his head.

"…and since there's no way Tarkin does for her what I do…" Jacen laughed harder as Jaina increased her assault. "… she keeps coming back for more."

"That is way too much information, Jacen. I really don't need to know how good you are in bed."

"Or," he continued, suddenly serious again, "She won't admit that she loves me because she's still afraid to trust that we'll work. And Tarkin is some sort of shield."

Jaina halted her water assault and thought about her brother's last theory. This one actually made the most sense. "She has dealt with an insane amount of loss in her life."

"Yes, she has. She may also be afraid that if it doesn't work with me, she'll lose the rest of our family."

"No wonder you don't have the energy to hike. Between all your contemplation…"

"And sex. She only left a few hours ago."

Her disgust renewed, Jaina kicked water, which Jacen used the Force to deflect. "…it's a wonder you can sit upright."

Jacen responded by throwing himself on top of her and rolling them both into the lake. Jaina screamed and then twisted so she could get the upper hand and dunked her brother completely under. He retaliated by yanking her down with him.

They finally pulled themselves back up the bank and collapsed onto the grass, still giggling like children. Clearly, after such a heavy conversation, they both needed the release.

After catching her breath Jaina said, "When are you going to see her again?"

"Not sure. Sometimes it's weeks. In the beginning it was months. At first we didn't even speak in between. We'd run into each other, or… I'd track her down and we'd spend a few days together. She would always say at the end that we couldn't do it again. I was ecstatic the first time she sent me her schedule, so happy to think I was finally making progress. Now... we try to coordinate our travel as much as possible, and when she needs to be in the studio, or we can both get away for a few days, we meet on Wyloff."

"How do you hide your relationship there?"

"One; most of the beings who spend time there know her connection to our family and that she and I have been friends for years and are business partners. Two; I designed the cottage very specifically to maximize our privacy and minimize questions. Three; there's a lot to be said for approach vectors; it only took me a few test runs to figure out where to break orbit and where to start skimming the lake to avoid anyone picking up on the fact that an X-Wing was coming in, which also factored into my design for the cottage. And four… we are adults, we do know how to keep our hands to ourselves when necessary."

"And you steer clear when Tarkin's there?"

Jacen smiled, "Tarkin doesn't exist on Wyloff."

Jaina stared at her brother again. From what he was telling her, Tahiri had built an entire life with Tarkin on Phelarion that he had no part in, and an entire life with Jacen on Ossus, then Wyloff, and now Coruscant, that Tarkin had no part in, and still travelled the galaxy almost non-stop working. What an exhausting and complicated life for Tahiri. And amazingly Jacen was so focused on how much pain keeping it a secret caused him he didn't seem to fully appreciate how much effort Tahiri was putting into maintaining her life with him.

"Does she ever say anything about why she's with Tarkin?"

"Like I said, she refuses to discuss it. She says she needs him in her life, but she won't explain it to me."

"Have you asked her to choose between you and him?"

"No. She's been very clear; if I can't handle the situation as it is, then we need to end this."

Once again Jacen's shielding slipped, just enough for Jaina to again feel the pure love that he felt for Tahiri, and his pain.

"What does she say when you tell her how you feel about her?"

"We don't go there. And trying to get any help through the Force is futile, her shielding is unparalleled. Woman has a mind like a steel trap."

"Says the man who taught her how to shut down."

"Ironically…"

"But you must feel something through the Force."

"Of course, I mean… there is a bond. I guess the closest thing I can relate it to is my connection to you; the way you and I feel each other when even Mom or Luke or Mara can't feel us."

Jaina startled slightly as she realized that the only reason she'd been catching glimpses from Jacen was because of that bond, and that if she was the only person who could feel him like that, that would help explain how he'd kept the depth of his feelings for Tahiri hidden.

"I do feel her emotions far more clearly and intensely than I would feel another trained Force user, that isn't you. Unless she's really blocking me I know when she's happy, or sad, or upset. Feeling her while she's performing is incredible. She gets the most amazing high when she's on stage.

"I know she cares about me and wants me in her life. I know she's happy when we're together, and that she misses me when we're apart." He let out a sad sigh. "I know when she's pretending to be asleep, and when she's feeling guilty. And I know that she can feel me too."

"But when you ask about Tarkin or your relationship?"

"She shuts down."

"So you've never told her that you're in love with her?"

"I've always been afraid that if I did I'd never see her again."

"And she hasn't said anything about loving you?"

Jacen shook his head and looked at her sadly. "I like to think that a lot can be conveyed in a look or a touch, but other than that… she sings for me."

Next time on Fear and Love...

Rabeeta plants seeds of doubt…

And

Grandmama summons Huff...