I had to bug the crap out of Shikamaru to get him to meet me for lunch, and the only reason I bothered is because somehow, against all logic and with no help from his personality whatsoever, he passed the jounin trials last year, which is not fair at all since I'm a way better ninja than him. He was worse than me at school - I at least put my name on my tests. Then he went and passed the trials while I was still breaking in my chuunin vest. At least it was him and not Sasuke, though. Shikamaru's too lazy to rub it in my face, and I really think he only took the exam because Asuma made him, and he only passed by accident. I can't think of any other explanation. But accident or not, he's already passed so I'm going to weasel as many pointers as I can out of him so I can be prepared when I take it. We're waiting for our ramen to come when I decide to get right to the point.

"How did you become a jounin?" I ask. "It doesn't even make sense."

Alright maybe I could have said that differently, but he doesn't look anymore pissed off than usual. Probably because he knows what I said is true. He does this weird little frown thing that he always does and looks at the ceiling for awhile. Then he keeps looking at the ceiling and doesn't even answer me for like, an hour. I can feel my existence starting to fade.

"Oi! Idiot, did you even hear me?"

I'm ready to pound him here and now except I haven't eaten yet and I don't want to get kicked out.

Shikamaru looks back at me and gives me his most irritated look, eyes closed and eyebrows like an angry V. He lets out the biggest sigh ever and says "it was an accident." I almost fall off my chair.

"WHAT!" I yell so loud that people outside the shop stop to look in. "Someone as stupid as you can't pass the jounin exam by accident!" Even though someone as stupid as Shikamaru could only ever pass the jounin exam by accident.

"Asuma tricked me into doing it and somehow...I passed." He says. "I wish I hadn't though."

There you go. I knew that was the only explanation.

"The missions are so troublesome. I wish I were still a genin."

Boy do I ever wanna punch him right in the face right now. Send him flying out of the shop. But then he'd use it as an excuse to be unconscious and all the patience I've used today would go to waste. But hell, here I am, working my ass off, living on four hours of sleep between missions and training just to advance to where he is and he says he wishes he were still a genin and he passed the goddamn trials by accident. ARGH! Some people just don't deserve what they have.

"Alright, fine," I say. "Just tell me what I have to do to become a jounin." I just want to get this over with. Me and him have been pals for a long time, but man does he piss me off. Our ramen finally comes and he takes his sweet time filling me in between looking at the ceiling and poking his ramen with his chopsticks because he's too lazy to eat it.

"First you have to pass the written test. Legal issues, mostly. Some strategy."

Crap. Looks like I have to brush up on my begging skills to get Sakura to help me study.

"What else?"

He gives this noisy sigh like I just asked him to take out the garbage for everyone in Konoha.

"Don't you have other things to worry about anyway, Naruto?"

"Like what!" What the hell! He's the most useless person alive. I should have just bribed Kakashi-sensei with porn and asked him instead.

"The Akastuki, for one thing." He looks at me from the corner of his eye, like he's trying to be all sly or something. Okay, he's not supposed to know about that, but since he's a jounin I don't know what he's heard at like, secret jounin parties or whatever. I feel like the pit of my stomach just turned to ice, but I don't want to give anything away.

"Whatever. So, like, um...yeah. What else?" Smooth. Real smooth. I need to take control of this conversation or else things for me are going to get really...troublesome. Unfortunately for me Shikamaru decides now is a great time in his life to start being pushy. I realize this is probably the only reason he agreed to come out today, and it pisses me off.

"They've been giving you trouble lately, from what I hear." He pushes his ramen around in the bowl and tries to act all innocent but I know he's still watching me. Since when did he start being such a nosy bastard anyway? He's been spending too much time with Yamanaka Ino. If I didn't know that she doesn't know anything about it, I'd think she sicced Shikamaru on me to get some good gossip or something.

"Well, it's none of your business, so I don't give a rat's ass what you heard." Okay, if I want to sound nonchalant just now, I didn't, at all. But it ends that line of conversation about as good as anything, so I don't care. It really is none of his business, or anyone else's. "Anyway, we've been here like, half an hour and you haven't helped me at all."

He keeps looking at me sideways and doesn't say anything. Probably because I'm the shadiest person ever. I wish I had never even asked him to meet me here. I'm not even hungry anymore, but I keep eating anyway to try to act normal, even though it's a lost cause by now.

"So are you gonna help me, or what? I bought you lunch and everything and all you've done is be annoying!"

Finally. It looks like he's giving up. He probably didn't really care that much in the first place, but I guess it is weird when the dumb kid from school is getting hassled by a bunch of S-class criminals. The Akatsuki has been getting on my case lately though, but it's not like I've just been sitting around on my ass since the time Sasuke's evil brother and his dumb friend threatened to rip my arms off when I was twelve. They've taken a couple shots at me over the years, but they laid off during the war and afterwards, and I got a lot stronger training with Ero-sennin, so the last time they tried anything, well, I'm not going to lie, I got my ass kicked, but I took out a pretty good chunk of the scenery and got the attention of every Anbu in the area, and they haven't tried anything since then. That kind of makes me nervous, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I try not to let it get to me. I try a lot harder not to let that get to me than Shikamaru. He has his annoyed face on again. You know, with the V.

"We're here because you wanted ramen, which I don't even like."

AARGH! Like I care!

"It splashes everywhere," he mutters, smearing a drop of ramen broth on the counter with his finger. I take his bowl and dump it into mine. I've had it.

"If you don't like ramen then I'll eat it." I slam his bowl down in front of him so hard I think it cracks up one side. His expression doesn't even change when he looks at me.

"You're so obnoxious," he says.

Yeah, well fuck him. You can bet that goes both ways. Still, though, I don't want to leave empty handed. I take a deep calming breath that Sakura told me about that never works to stop me from fighting with Sasuke. I tap into my reserve patience and swear to get revenge for this some day. Shikamaru looks at the wall.

"Shikamaru, please just tell me what the trials are so I can be prepared for the jounin exam," I say as politely as possible, but I don't know if he understood me because my teeth were clenched the whole time. He seems to get the point though, because he lets out another sigh like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

"First we took the written test, then two field trials," he explains, because he thinks a whole five words on the subject is really helpful. It's like pulling teeth with this guy, I don't know if you noticed. But I remain calm.

"How the hell is that supposed to help me, you idiot? I'm asking you! What do I have to do to paaaaasss, as in advance past chuunin, you stupid, lazy asshole!"

Okay, wrong kind of calm. Shikamaru gets up and walks out of the shop. Or starts to. By the time I wolf down the rest of my ramen and throw a few bills on the counter and thank the ramen guy, he's covered about five of the ten feet to the street and looking like getting up wasn't worth the trouble. Time to switch tactics.

"Hey, hey! Where the hell are you going? I bought you lunch and you haven't helped me at all!"

I just remembered that I only have one tactic, and Sakura says it doesn't involve tact at all.

"You bought me ramen that I didn't even want, and then you ate it yourself."

This is true, but he's not getting off that easy.

"Alright, alright," I say. "You and me, we've been friends a long time, right, Shikamaru?"

"If you think so."

Fucker.

"So, so, as a friend, couldja tell me do you think I've got a shot at it this year? Pleeease, Shikamaru, just tell me what I need to do, and I won't bug you anymore. I'll be a better friend and I won't get on your case about being a waste of air and I'll never call you stupid again if you please, please, please help me out, alright?" Looks like I don't need to brush up on my begging skills after all. He looks ready to give in. He stops and thinks for a minute.

"I don't know if you could pass or not," he says finally.

FUCKER!

"What the fuck do you mean you don't know? It's a yes or no question and I asked for your opinion! What kind of idiot can't even come up with a yes or no opinion when he's asked a simple question like - "

Shikamaru cuts me off with one of his super-annoyed noises, like a cross between a sigh and a groan. Or a cow stuck in a tree.

"Look," he says. "Most of the time you're a complete screw up, but you might be able to pull something out of your ass like you always do."

What the hell is he talking about?

"What do I always do?" I ask.

"Like I know."

Okay. It's okay. I'm calm. I'm calmer than calm. I'm calmer than two calm things calming on a calm day and I'm going to tell Sakura that her technique is a load of bullshit.

"BASTARD JUST GIVE ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER AND STOP BEING THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER BEFORE I KICK YOUR ASS!"

In the end I wind up looking for Sasuke because I need to blow off some steam and I've been meaning to kick his ass anyway. This evening as I limp casually and with dignity back to my apartment, I mull over what I had finally managed to drag out of Shikamaru, along with a few things I made sure hadn't come up at all and hopefully never would. Actually, what Shikamaru told me is pretty much what I get all the time. Powerhouse my way to victory because I suck at chakra control. Maybe it's just me, but it seems kind of stupid to ignore my less awesome chakra skills and focus on beating the living hell out of everything. That actually brings me to that other thing I'm mulling over, except I don't really want to go into it right now.

But anyway, first, it just pisses me off when people think I can't do something. Maybe I can't do wimpy little bunshin techniques so good, but I can do other even harder jutsus. And every step forward I've made by my goddamn self, thanks, so so what if it takes me a little longer because I don't have X-ray vision or someone holding my hand every step of the way. Even when I train with Ero-sennin he's just like "here, do this" and then goes off to 'collect data' and harass women. Well, just because of that I'm gonna become the Extreme Chakra Controlling Genius Boy Wonder Hokage, even if I have to work even harder. It just means no wasting time that I could be training, on showering or heating up food. I've never eaten a dry ramen brick before, but it can't be that bad, right? I mean, ramen's ramen. Besides, my existence starts to fade while it cooks anyway.

The second thing Shikamaru said was to quit being so hotheaded, which I'm not even hotheaded. Unless you think hotheaded means being energetic and ready for action. Shikamaru described it as "hyperactive and always picking a fight," but everyone knows he's dumb and a pessimist to boot. He said I was a decent strategist though, when I needed to be, so maybe he's not completely stupid. To tell you the truth, I really needed to hear that, and shut up, I know it's pathetic, but it's not every day someone says I'm good at something. Hell, it's not every year, even. Not like I care or anything. It's just nice to get know that some people don't think I'm a complete waste.

Anyway, so Shikamaru told me to calm down, like I said, so I can come up with a plan beforehand instead of flying right in and making it up as I go along. It's decent advice, but annoying. I usually don't need to plan ahead since I just use my clones and they always know the plan, but he said for the trials I would have to use teamwork. So Kakashi-sensei's obsession has a point. Who knew.

So now my problem is this: how do I practice strategy? Do I like, draw up battle plans or something? I have no idea. I guess it's something to think about on future missions. For now I guess I'll read up on chakra control and bug Ero-sennin for a couple powerhouse moves, maybe mention to Sakura about helping me study, but I think I'll put that one off. She's mad at me right now for no reason, and I want to catch her in a good mood, otherwise she'll just say how like, no amount of studying could ever help me and I'm just a waste of time. Geez, I depress myself sometimes. But I'm psyched because the three of us have a mission tomorrow which'll give me a chance to show up Sasuke with my superior strategies, and maybe get on Sakura's good side long enough to get some pointers. Right now I'm just going to ice my knees and go to bed. It's been a long, annoying day, and I think I'll never talk to Shikamaru again. I'm munching a dry ramen brick right now and it tastes gross.