Previously on Corellia Place...
Kiss Tahiri for me…
Astral...
Season 2
Interlude, Part 2
Flocking to the sea,
Crowds of people wait for me
Seagulls scavenge,
Steal ice cream
Worries vanish,
Within my dreams
I left my soul there, Down by the sea
I lost control here, Living free
Left my soul there, Down by the sea
I lost control here, Living free
Fishing boats sail past the shore
No singing may-day any more
The sun is shining
The water's clear
Just you and I walk along the pier
I left my soul there, Down by the sea
I lost control here, Living free
I left my soul there, Down by the sea
I lost control here, Living free
A cool breeze flows but mind the wasp
Some get stung it's worth the cost
I'd love to stay,
The city calls me home
More hassles fuss and lies on the phone
I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control here,
Living free
I left my soul there,
Down by the sea
I lost control,
Living free
The Sea/Paul Godfrey, Ross Godfrey, Skye Edwards
Tahiri Viela's Hotel Room, Excelsior Hotel, Katadda
35 ABY
Three months after Jacen's Lifeday
Five Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War
Tahiri tossed and turned in her bed, unable to sleep despite her exhaustion after two very long days. She'd performed on Sullust the night before, then traveled for hours, arriving on Kattada early in the morning local time and had been going non-stop.
After landing, checking into her hotel, and getting the band settled, she'd written a report of preliminary findings about a credit laundering operation on Phelarion's second moon that she had been hearing about. She had suspicions that the operation was linked to the grandson of Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin.
Wilhuff Tarkin III was nowhere near as impressive in terms of pure sadism as his grandfather, if his dossier was anything to go by, but he certainly was not a nice man. Tahiri had spent the last two months chasing down tips on his involvement in various illegal activities: slave trading, spice trafficking, grand theft, election rigging, but every lead died at an associate of Tarkin's before Tahiri could establish a link. Belindi hadn't loved finding out Tahiri was looking at Tarkin, after all he was a powerful and well-respected politician. If he caught on to what Tahiri was doing, and her hunches were wrong, everything she was trying to accomplish would be undermined. Not to mention blow her cover and send her back to the Jedi Order with her tail between her legs.
Tahiri wasn't giving up though. She simply could not believe that all of Tarkin's associates were extremely bad beings but he wasn't. Either he was in on the operations and was being shielded or he had terrible taste in friends.
After finishing her brief, she had taken Fiver to a cyber café and had him send a copy of the report to Jag, along with a letter to be passed on to Syal and Soontir. Finally, she had strolled down the beach side promenade where all the chic stores in this region of the planet were located and had done a little shopping.
Well, actually, a lot of shopping.
Spending credits was a relatively new experience for Tahiri. Having lived her whole life with the Tusken Raiders, the Jedi, and the military, there hadn't been much opportunity. If there was something she needed, it was provided for by either the tribe or the supply masters. She had never really thought about clothes or cosmetics or any other personal items until after the war, and even then, having gone without her whole life, she hadn't felt any great desire to accumulate these things in abundance.
And then Syal Antilles Fel had come into her life.
She'd initially been mortified when Syal announced over tea one afternoon that she'd decided to personally bankroll the production of Tahiri's chip and manage the launch of her career. Syal and Soontir had already been so generous by providing her with a place to stay, and though Tahiri had instantly adored the couple, she felt tremendous guilt about accepting more from them. Syal however would not be deterred and explained that after all these years it was a joy to be able to share all she had learned during her own career with someone who would appreciate and benefit from it. As time went on, and they grew even closer, Tahiri came to trust Syal's instincts and tutelage unquestioningly, and in the process made some startling discoveries about herself.
The first and most fascinating was that she adored fashion. Syal had insisted that how Tahiri presented herself was every bit as important as her musical abilities and spent hours instructing her on clothes, fabrics, beauty products; what fit her body type, coloring, particular mood on a given day, or what went with her musical persona. Tahiri hadn't really gotten it at first, until Syal had equated clothing and make-up to combat armor. That Tahiri understood. Now she could spend hours wandering from dress shop to dress shop, letting her fingers glide over different materials. She found that she loved shimmersilk and could rarely pass up an opportunity to try on any garment made of it. On one occasion in particular she had spent nearly six hours trying on garment after garment, relishing the feel of the fabrics against her skin and imagining the image she would project in each. It was a revelation on so many levels that it had taken her days to process the experience… and another week to get her brain around the fact that she had bought twenty-seven of those garments.
Syal had been delighted.
The next startling discovery Tahiri had made was that she loved shoes. Maybe her obsession with being barefoot really had been a passing childhood phase, because in the past several months she had hardly passed a shoe store she didn't like. She even had favorite designers, ones that she always stopped in to see if she was on their home planet… or was within ten star systems. In fact, she had accumulated so many pairs of shoes that the last time she was on Corellia Han had joked about turning Jacen's room into Tahiri's shoe closet. Han was sure his monkish son wouldn't mind, or even notice, sharing the smallest room in the house with his quasi sister's growing high heel collection.
Quasi sister...
Every time the phrase entered her mind she winced and tried to forget the feelings that welled up inside of her at the mere thought of him.
Gods, have I ever wanted anyone as much as I wanted him that night?
And there it was; the thought that officially signaled the end to Tahiri's attempt to sleep. She was well aware of how useless it was to even try at this point because she was about to go through the same routine she had experienced nightly since Jacen's lifeday:
Step 1: Close her eyes and see only him.
Step 2: Imagine the feel of his hand cupping her cheek and his sweet breath on her face as he leaned in to kiss her.
Step 3: Feel her chest tighten and flutterbugs take flight in the pit of her stomach as the sensations replay, so intense she could almost swear he was kissing her again.
Step 4: Begin to have trouble breathing and wonder where in the galaxy he learned to kiss like that. She would never, in millennia, have imagined that Jacen had moves… or lips… that would reduce her to a quivering mass at the mere thought of him days, weeks... now months after he'd touched her.
No wonder his dates were always so cranky when he'd lost interest in them.
Step 5: Feel her body temperature rise substantially, kick off her bed covers and roll over, pound her hands on the bed in frustration and ask for the one billion and eleventh time if he could possibly have any idea of the lingering effects of aforementioned moves.
Step 6: Begin to imagine the feel of his body next to her on the bed, pressing close, doing all the things he had done to her that night… and more… just horizontal… and wearing less.
Step 7: Scream into the pillow because her imagination goes so far, so fast.
Step 8: Crawl into the fresher and take a cold shower.
Step 9: Repeat.
Thirty minutes later Tahiri walked into the sitting room and plopped down on the sofa. The shower itself had done nothing to ease her tension; in fact, the feel of the water sluicing over her skin had only heightened it.
Maybe if I'd turned down the hot water?
What finally sobered her up, as it did every night, was the guilt she felt regarding both Jacen and Anakin.
Jacen was one of her oldest and dearest friends and not only had she crossed a line by initiating the second kiss, but then she had run out on him without so much as a goodbye.
What was she supposed to say the next time she saw him?
'Hey Jace, good to see you. Sorry about not saying anything before I fled in the middle of the night… again… but frankly, you really turned me on and I was finding it difficult to not barge into your room, wake you from a peaceful sleep, and have my wicked way with you.'
Yeah… that would go over well.
How about the truth?
'Jacen, I owe you an apology. It was unfair of me to try to capitalize on your admitting that you had had a crush on me. It was silly of me to hope that you were lying about it being in the past, and it was just plain cruel of me to tease you by sucking on your lip. Furthermore, you should know that the reason I left before you woke up the next morning is that the need you sparked scared the kriff out of me because I spent the hours after our… interaction... fantasizing about what it would be like to feel you do to the rest of my body what you were doing to my mouth and neck. You don't by any chance have a free hour or four do you?'
Why not just go straight to the heart of the matter:
'Hey Jace, since I satisfied your curiosity with that kiss… do you suppose you could satisfy mine with a night of unbridled passion? I promise it won't interfere with our friendship.'
That sounded like the type of line she'd heard Valin use a thousand times.
Tahiri chuckled to herself and was again relieved that she and Valin had never gotten high enough to forget how gross it would be and mess around - because the weird factor here was already so insanely high.
'C'mon… your brother and your apprentice have both had me… don't you want to know what you're missing out on?'
Tahiri threw her arm over her eyes and groaned.
Could she feel more like a bigger whore?
Oh get over yourself. It's not like you would actually say it… or that he would actually take you up on the offer. Why are you letting this get to you?
Because the perception of so many of the people in her life seemed to be that she still belonged to Anakin, hence the guilt on that side. It felt like she had spent a lot of time over the years trying to convince everyone that she had moved on; that though she would always miss him, she was no longer despondent like she had been in the beginning. And that she was no longer his.
In fact, she had 'belonged' to several other men. Hell, it had been seven years since Myrkr. She wasn't a priestess. She was a normal young woman with a healthy libido.
Well… maybe normal was stretching it. But the fact remained; there was nothing wrong with her wanting to be with someone else in this galaxy other than her long dead, first boyfriend. In fact, it would have been morbid and maudlin if she still thought of him in that way.
Of course, the fact that the man she currently wanted to 'belong to' was none other than Anakin's own brother… the very brother Anakin had had such a difficult relationship with… the brother that Anakin had asked to take over the mission, contributed greatly to her unease. And Jacen's sense of loyalty to Anakin's memory was still so intense, as it should be, that there was no way he would ever do anything again. The only reason anything had happened in the first place was because they'd been drinking all afternoon and evening and Jacen had remembered his promise.
If not for devotion to his brother he would never have even mentioned the kiss. And it was only a very uncharacteristic slip in his shielding that had clued her in to his thoughts after.
Adding to her sense of guilt was the fact that all she really wanted was to satisfy this… need. She had no interest in a relationship. Between her work and the fact that it was Jacen… there was just no way.
All she wanted was a night.
Was that so wrong?
Did that make her a horrible person?
After all, she adored and respected him; he was a wonderful human being and one of her most cherished friends…
…a friend who just happened to rock her world with only one kiss.
Well, ok, maybe that wasn't an accurate description. It had been more like a lot of kisses in that one session…
Tahiri closed her eyes again and was immediately bombarded by sounds and images.
Jacen
His voice.
Jacen
His lips on her throat.
Jacen
His hands on her skin.
"Ohhhh, what is my problem?" Tahiri asked herself out loud. "It's Jacen. It's just Jacen."
But she already knew the answer... had realized weeks ago that perhaps this was the biggest reason for why this was all so unsettling; no man had ever ignited her passions the way Jacen had with that first kiss.
Well, technically speaking, it was the second. The first kiss had been sweet and thoughtful and she knew damn well Jacen was not doing it for his own health.
Blast… could the man be any more virtuous?
She also knew at the time that it was evil of her to have asked for the kiss. He was clearly tortured by having forgotten in the first place, and it was clear that he was trying to do something kind for her and Anakin, not for himself. She had been shocked when she picked up on his feelings after and even more so when he'd owned up to his crush. Her brain had instantly gone into overdrive trying to figure out how to capitalize on that revelation.
Of course, Jacen, being Jacen, needed it spelled out for him. Nibbling on his lip sure spelled it out for him.
And then he proceeded to spell it out for her.
Tahiri sighed deeply, again caught in the memory of his lips on hers, his hands pulling her close, the feel of his arms crushing her into his hard body...
What has gotten into me? Am I the horniest woman alive?
Only when I'm thinking about Jacen.
"And it's now official," she spoke aloud. "I've lost my mind. I'm having complete conversations with myself. This is all your fault, Jacen Solo."
An image on the holoplayer caught Tahiri's attention and she realized that the local late night news was starting, and she was even more exhausted than before. Turning off the holo, she stood up and walked back into the sleeping room of the suite. A flashing at the comm station caught her attention so she sat down and triggered the necessary buttons to bring up the message and was stunned to see a recording of Jacen in front of her.
"Hello, Tahiri. I know it's late, but I figured... since we're not only on the same planet, but in the same city…"
He's here?!
All else was lost as Tahiri was unable to process the words and the image at the same time. Her fingers tentatively reached out to touch the holo and her heart thundered in her chest.
When the image of Jacen flickered out, she shook her head, overwhelmed by the emotions she felt.
Joy.
Desire.
Relief.
Hope.
Did she have genuine feelings for Jacen? Was it possible?
No… it wasn't.
After the pain Anakin's death had caused her, Tahiri had sworn to herself that she would never allow any other man to get as close to her as he had been. Between that and the secrecy necessary for her work, she wasn't about to get involved with Jacen. No matter how much he turned her on.
The only thing in the universe she could imagine being worse than losing Anakin would be trying to have a relationship with Jacen and then losing him, and the rest of the Solo family, when it blew up in her face, which she knew would happen. She would never be able to give Jacen all he would surely want and need.
And deserve.
Tahiri had long ago realized that she was not capable of deep and enduring bonds, not of the romantic variety anyway. She had had enough experience with men to know that sex could be great, but she was not able to give more of herself than her body, she was simply too damaged.
Realizing that she had been once again lost in thoughts and unaware how much time had gone by she shook her head and replayed the message.
"Hello Tahiri. I know it's late, but I figured since we're not only on the same planet... but in the same city, I'd call and see if we could get together. In fact I'd love to catch a show if you don't mind. I'm staying at the Crystal Sands, three hotels down the beach so I can meet you anytime you're free. Also…"
Here Jacen paused and looked down, clearly uncomfortable and Tahiri felt even worse about what she had done.
When he looked back he said; "…I wanted to apologize for what happened on Corellia. I should never have let it go that far and I'm sorry it made you so uncomfortable that you felt you needed to leave. You mean a lot to me and I would hate for what happened to harm our friendship. Even if you don't have time to get together, I'd love to talk to you… I need to know that… we're okay."
Tahiri sighed deeply, regret flooding her. In all her contemplation over the last few months she had never really considered how he might feel about it, or that her running might have made him feel like he'd made a terrible mistake.
He said that he had had a crush on her… past tense; he didn't still. They were friends and that would always mean far more to both of them than a flirtation.
No, she decided, nothing could ever happen again and when she saw him it was important to let him know that everything was alright between them.
That the kiss could be forgotten.
24 hours later
The day had been so hot on Kattada that Tahiri had asked the hotel management to move her to a seaside bungalow where she now had access to her own private beach. She'd opened up the suite as soon as they had arrived back and a soft wind was now flowing off the water, gently lifting the drapes by the doors, allowing the fabric to float up and down on the breeze. She was grateful to at least have a little bit of the physical discomfort she was feeling relieved by the cool salty air.
Unfortunately, even that wasn't offering her what she really wanted.
She was still chuckling from Jacen's story about Valin and his latest 'girlfriend' when she leaned over the bar to pour them each another drink. She had begun to realize, not long after they'd both returned to Ossus, that Jacen was genuinely funny, and was equally amused that so many of their friends didn't always get his sense of humor.
At least they were laughing now; the evening had started off a little tense.
She'd asked Jacen to meet her at the club she was performing at and had jumped from anticipation with every sound from the corridor outside her dressing room. He had only shown up twenty minutes before she was set to start so there hadn't been much time for dawdling. If she was going to clear the air she had to get right to it.
Jacen clearly felt the same because with barely a 'Hello' they had both jumped to the topic that would have sat like a bantha in the corner; both had spoken at the same time, then apologized simultaneously and asked the other to start, then both launched into their own speeches again.
Finally, after another nervous laugh, Jacen had pulled her body into his, wrapped her in a tight embrace and kissed her forehead. This had stopped her dead in her tracks and when Jacen pulled away he had apologized for Corellia and asked if they could just put the whole thing behind them.
She had nodded, but had to work to hide the effect Jacen's words had on her. She had been over this so many times in her mind and knew that trying to have a fling with Jacen was just stupid. She would be embarrassed if he rejected her and besides, she knew she didn't want anything serious. Dropping the whole silly idea was the best thing for both of them.
But then why did the idea of putting it behind them make her so sad?
Now, six hours later, things were significantly more relaxed.
Tahiri had worked especially hard on stage, giving what she thought was one of her best performances yet. He had then taken her to a late dinner where they had had a great meal and a couple bottles of wine and talked and laughed like the close friends that they were.
It had gotten so much easier in fact that Tahiri didn't think twice about asking Jacen to join her in her room to see holos from her travels and have a nightcap.
Yes, things were back to normal, until that is, she turned from the bar to find Jacen watching her and his expression, and what she felt from him in the Force, caused her heart to skip. For a second she thought his shielding had slipped again… then she realized he wasn't making any attempt to shield.
Before she could stop her mouth, the words came out; "Why, Jedi Solo, are you undressing me with your eyes?"
Jacen didn't speak, he didn't have to.
Again, Tahiri's mouth worked before her brain could stop it and she was sure that if the words themselves didn't tell Jacen just how badly she wanted him, then the husky quality of her voice surely did.
"It might be more enjoyable for both of us if you used your hands."
Jacen came towards her slowly, not breaking eye contact, and Tahiri felt her blood begin to simmer.
She lifted her chin as he got closer, keeping her eyes on his, and felt her breathing deepen when Jacen was standing only centimeters away. He lifted his hand and, using his fingertips and barely making contact with her skin, traced a line from her shoulder to her elbow and back up before hooking a finger under the thin rope of shimmer silk that held her dress up.
Tahiri's breath hitched in anticipation of Jacen slipping the strap away, but instead he held her gaze and leaned in closer, his lips millimeters away from her hers.
"Do you have any idea how much I've thought about you in the last three months? How much time I've spent dreaming of your touch, the feel of you in my arms..." He tipped his head slightly, allowing his lips to just barely graze the corner of her mouth as he lifted his other hand to cup her cheek, "…what you taste like?"
Tahiri's eyes closed and her head began to fall back as his lips feathered over her jaw, her throat.
"Have you thought about me, Tahiri?"
"Yes." She whispered.
"Do you want me to undress you, Tahiri?"
"Yes."
"What else do you want? Tell me, please… tell me what you want."
His voice was so thick with lust she nearly swooned, but forced herself to find her balance and opened her eyes to meet his. She studied him, debating how to proceed; arguing the wisdom of turning him away while at the same time desperately wanting to give in to him.
She felt his finger finally slip the strap of her dress off her shoulder and shuddered at the sensation as he dragged it down her arm.
"I want you to stay with me tonight."
Jacen slid his fingers from her cheek to the back of her neck, then threaded his fingers into her hair and pulled her forward… finally kissing her.
Tahiri moaned into his mouth and allowed herself to sink completely into the moment… into him… and knew nothing else for hours.
Next time on Fear and Love:
The mornings after….