Author's note: Hey! I recently was scrounging around for some lined paper and came across several chapters worth of this in an binder which I thought had been abandoned in the most recent move. Anyway, I don't plan on continuing this, but I figured I'd post what I have. There's a bit more after this but we'll see how dedicated I can be to typing it up. Some one reviewed with a suggestion that I alter the title to suit his or her spelling preferences, and after a brief consultation with my dictionary we concluded that I can spell "syphon" however I damn well please, but now that it's been brought to my attention, I rather like like the aesthetic of this new spelling, so Siphon it is! Anyway, enjoy.
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It's been awhile since I've had a really good mission, so of course today is no different. As usual it's way below my abilities and not challenging at all and the only upside is camping with Sakura, which isn't always an upside anyway and can actually be a huge downside because sometimes she gets so moody I can't even believe it. Even for Sakura who's usually pretty moody anyway. Not that I hold it against her, I'm not saying that. I like a girl who's energetic and stuff, she just is moody sometimes is all I'm saying, more than usual, so I hope this time is not like that and that there'll be some bad guys so I can kick some ass. Doesn't look like there's too many bad guys though. I mean, bad enough, like, no morals or something, but not like, bad guys with mad skills that are worth fighting. Hell, when I think about it, I went on a lot better missions when I was a gennin, 'cept most of those times were by accident. Chunnin missions are kind of better, but a lot of them suck ass. Like this one today. I mean, it's a good mission for morals, but it's so dumb/ Especially since Sasuke is the team leader for whatever reason. Didn't Shikamaru say I was a better strategist? And he has an IQ of over two hundred, so he should know. I should be the leader, I'd do a way better job. I never get any credit because I'm too busy saving that bastard's ass to do anything really cool. It's his fault I'm not Hokage yet, I'm serious. He's such a wimp.
This mission is really stupid because a bunch of guys kidnapped this rich lady's kid and are trying to hold it for ransom. This is a ninja village, for crying out loud. Who kidnaps a kid from a ninja village. It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. We had their location nailed before they even sent out the ransom letter, that's how stupid it is. Of course, for another team it might be more challenging, but those teams have dumb people like Kiba and Shikamaru on them. Even though this mission is retarded, it's a good thing I'm on it instead of one of those guys who would probably really screw it up. I mean, we already have Sasuke who screws things up enough just by existing and being annoying. Like he's being annoying right now. He's trying to be all strategic and shit because he's the team leader, whoop de do. It's all I can do not to kill myself while he's talking.
"Naruto! Pay attention!"
"I am paying attention!" He thinks that just because he's an Uchiha that everyone else has a short attention span. He looks at me for a minute, his eyes all narrow. He should just get some glasses.
"What did I just say." He says. What is this, some kind of test?
"Liiiiike, 'strategy, blah blah blah, way of the ninja, blah blah, Naruto listen, blah bl–"
"Alright," he says, and closes his eyes in an angry Shikamaru way. V brows. "It's obvious the strategy was too complex for you to follow, so let me simplify."
Jerk! You know, I wouldn't have a hard time listening if he said something creative ever once in a while. Something like 'I'll create a diversion with this ballerina skirt and Naruto, you use your mad skills to ninja into the secret lair and save the princess.' Now that's the kind of strategy I'll listen to. None of this...um, whatever kind of strategy he's planning now.
"Naruto!"
"What!" Whoops, looks like I really pissed him off this time. He's got such a pale face, so when he's angry he gets all red, like a tomato, which is really funny. He also gets this manic glint in his eye which is not so funny, but it's not like he could do anything anyway.
"What is wrong with you?" he yells. "You can't pay attention for more than five seconds!"
"You're the one who's taking half an hour to explain everything! We probably could have been done by now if you didn't take so long." He's such an asshole lately.
"We could have left a long time ago if I didn't have to keep repeating the plan." He sticks his nose in the air in that faggy way he does and crosses his arms. I swear to God he's queer. "I'd be more than happy to just leave you behind, so if you're going to be a part of this team, then listen. Otherwise, just go home."
What a dick. Just because he's team leader he thinks he can tell me what to do. Actually, because he's the team leader he can tell me what to do. Fuck.
"Sakura's on recon," he starts up again. "As soon as she assesses the situation, you're going in to create a diversion and take down as many as possible. I'll get the kid and we'll get out of there. Alright?"
Of course he gets to be the hero. To bad I forgot my ballerina skirt.
"Why do I have to be the diversion?" I ask. "Why do you get the cool parts all the time?"
"Because that's all you're good at," he says.
"Like hell that's all I'm good at! I'm a better strategist than you, and I'm an awesome stealther!"
He starts glaring in this real heated way that he likes to think he's too cool to do.
"Bullshit you're a better strategist than me, and you're the number one loudest ninja n Konoha. I have you as a diversion so I can get the kid and still bail you out when you get in trouble."
"What the hell does that mean, 'when' I get in trouble? Fuck you, I can handle this!"
"Yeah, just like you 'handled it' on the escort to sand?"
Whoa. Okay, he did not need to bring that up, the fucking bastard. Even Sakura, who's been looking ready to knock our heads together seems shocked at what he just said. That was low. Um, a little while back some shit went down and a client wound up dead which was kind of my fault, but there circumstances out of my control, and I don't feel like talking about it, and he didn't have to go that far just to prove a point. In case you can't tell, me and him haven't been getting along real well lately. I think it's because his brother keeps ambushing me and Sasuke hasn't killed him yet. I can see how if I was him and had nothing better to think about, that could be frustrating, but he doesn't need to take it out on me all the time. Geez.
No one really has much to say anymore, so as soon as we double check our gear we head out. If we keep the pace up we can make it there by tomorrow night, but it's shaping up to be a pretty shitty trip.
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We reach the kidnapper's hideout by about noon on the second day, and usually we would wait until it gets dark, but every one's tempers are kind of short, so we get right to work. Remember how I was saying this is the lamest mission ever and whoever is stupid enough to kidnap a kid from Konoha deserves to get beat up for his unbelievable stupidness? It's more true than I thought. The secret hideout is some hermit shack in the middle of the woods, and it doesn't even have a real door, I don't think. It has, like, a half door so you can open the top separate from the bottom, which I don't know why you would ever need to do that. Like I said, this mission is stupid.
Sakura said the kid was in the back room, and by back room she must mean outhouse or something, because the place sure doesn't look big enough for two rooms. There's about seven guys, more than we expected for one lame hostage. They must really be hard up for cash if they want to split this ransom seven ways. They look pretty broke too. I almost feel bad for them, 'cause I sure know what that's like, but it's their fault I'm on this mission in the first place, getting rained on and yelled at and eating nothing but beef jerky. Now that I look at it that way I don't feel bad for them at all.
After Sakura had described the situation Sasuke suggested I just go in and wreak havoc. Actually his words were "barge in without thinking like you usually do."
Jerk.
Well anyway I don't have to listen to him because I came up with a strategy that's way more awesome than that. I watch as a rabid dog makes its crooked way towards the four guys hanging out by the door. One of the guys picks up a club – that's the kind of elite weapons they have, like, clubs and stuff – and he takes it and sorta tries to chase the dog away. The four guys are kinda laughing in that way when you're trying to act tough in front of a rabid dog. Anyway, the guy with the club, actually it's just a tree limb, he smashes the dog over the head and for a moment it lokks like he killed it, but it twitches a little and gets back up and keeps going for him. It freaks the guy out, which is really funny, and all his pals are looking for weapons now and stuff. Someone throws a rock at the dog and hits it in the head and when it goes down the guy with the stick beats it to a pulp. They all have a good laugh, and I'm having a good laugh when it gets up again. I'm pumping chakra into this thing like no tomorrow to keep it from disappearing after the first blow. I'm also having a good laugh because I know Sasuke's wondering what the hell is going on, all psyched to be the hero and held up by a zombie dog. I do a kind of evil laugh that would have given away my position if the bad guys' screaming hadn't drowned it out. One more guy comes out and I figure that's about as good as I'm gonna get so I launch into phase two and come barreling out of the bushes like my ass is on fire.
"Simba! No! Bad dog!" I stop right smack in the middle of a ring of bandits and for a second I think of what a stupid position that is to be in, but it sure is funny getting a look at their faces. I hug the dog to my chest.
"He has rabies," I say, ruffling his fur. I can feel Sasuke's anger boiling in the woods to my left, practically burning down the forest. Ahahaha mission accomplished. All these thugs are looking at me, not even doing anything. Not even when five more rabid dogs come out and surround them so ther's me, and this ring of thugs, and this ring of rabid dogs.
"Boo," I pout. "All my dogs have rabies." It's too funny for words. The guys only attack me when the dogs start growling and foaming at the mouth.
Now comes the part where I would say it's my favorite, only it's not. I'm fighting five angry thugs, and the smallest is still about ten times my size. I guess it's a little late to notice that I gave them a good heads up to arm themselves when I sent in the first dog, and ended up barging in without thinking like I usually do. Shut up, Sasuke.
The dogs turn back into normal clones and we start a regular brawl outside the hermit shack, but it's not long before the six clones are gone and I don't feel like making more. It's not like these guys are ninja or anything, so it shouldn't be a problem just by myself. Another guy comes out to join the fray, and I'm livin' it up, kicking ass like it's my job. Which it is. I kick this one guy right in the face and duck when another one swings a tree branch at my head. The seventh guy comes out and things start to get a little out of control. I probably won't make it out of here unless I get serious, which I don't want to do. I actually really don't wanna do, but I'm kind of in over my head. I mean, seven on one is pretty bad odds, even for a ninja, and these guys just don't want to go down. One catches me on the back of the head with a stick or something and I go down hard. They're on me in half a second, wrenching my arms so far behind my back it feels like they're broken. So I've got one behind me and six in front looking like, hey! rabid dogs. Hahaha I crack myself up. So I have two choices. I can do the thing I really don't want to do, or I can put up with Sasuke smirking at me for the rest of the year because he had to bail me out, which I really, really don't want. So, serious it is, then.