Previously on Love Is A Many Splendored Thing...

A long time ago…

Luke gave Jysella to Kyp

Jysella fell in love with Kyp

Kyp fell in love with Jysella

Kyp freaked out and gave Jysella back to Luke

Jysella freaked out and left the Jedi Order

(Jag wondered if she could carry a tune)

Their friends are just freaks and brought them both to Tahiri's concert

There, they spoke for the first time since her departure and Kyp promised they would again…

Oh Kyp…

Season 3
Episode 2

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say, one love, one life
When it's one need in the night
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's too late tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one but we're not the same
We get to carry each other, carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much? More than a lot
You gave me nothin' now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
Well we hurt each other then we do it again

You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holdin' on to what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love, one blood
One life, you got to do what you should
One life, with each other
Sisters, brothers

One life but we're not the same

We get to carry each other, carry each other

One

One

One/Clayton, Hewson, Mullen, The Edge

Jaina Solo's Apartment, Senate City, Coruscant
40 ABY
10 Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War

Kyp disengaged his commlink for the fifth time in fifteen minutes.

She was on planet… her transport had landed. She would probably already be at Jacen's apartment. Why couldn't he complete this call?

Because I don't want to fight with her.

And that was precisely what they were going to do. They were going to fight when he told her he did not want her to take the job Belindi had summoned her to Coruscant to offer her.

That, of course, would lead to fighting about the fact that Kyp forfeited his right to have a say in her life when he turned her over to Luke. That would ease them nicely into a fight about Kyp's rejection of her and how much it hurt her that he went to Luke in the first place rather than dealing with this himself, even though he had dealt with this himself for a year before that.

And that would ease them right to the very heart of the matter: Kyp's feelings for her.

Yeah Durron, go ahead and make the call. This is going to be great.

"Kriff, I might as well just tell her I love her and get it over with."

The sudden vibration of the comm against the tabletop startled him, and he chuckled quietly.

And option 94 is to wait for her to comm me.

Staring at the bouncing piece of machinery, Kyp briefly debated ignoring it, but knew it was useless. He had promised her that they would talk again and she would not be denied.

Finally picking up the comm and pressing the activator switch he calmly greeted her, "Hello Jella."

"Why have you called and hung up four times?"

And here we go…

"I really did you a disservice by not making proficiency in small talk a part of your training. And it was five. I called and hung up five times."

"I'm glad those honesty classes are working out for you."

"As well as your charm classes are working for you?"

"I'm sorry, am I not charming enough for you?"

Kyp opened his mouth to answer, but there was really no need.

"Four weeks ago, standing in a seedy alley behind a club downtown, you promised we'd talk again, but I never heard from you. I can only assume that you somehow found out that I was coming and you've called and hung up five times, by your own count, because you feel guilty about not keeping your word, but in reality; you have nothing to say to me."

Oh, Jysella, I have so much to say to you.

He opened his mouth again, and wasn't interrupted, but this time no sound came out and after a few moments he realized that gaping wasn't going to score him any points since she couldn't see him.

"What do you want, Kyp? I've had a long trip and I'm tired. Even more tired thanks to the hurt and humiliation I've been nursing for some time. If you want to talk to me, you clearly have my freq, if you want to see me; I'm sure you know where I'm staying. Otherwise, leave me alone and let me try to get over you, with what dignity I have left."

Kyp dropped his face into his hand and sighed. "You're right. I should have commed you before now, and I'm sorry. But it wasn't that I didn't have anything to say; I didn't know what to say. And every day that has gone by… I thought maybe the next day I would think of something that might make this… better… easier… would make you understand why I did what I did."

"So? Have you thought of anything?"

He wasn't sure, but he thought that there was a hitch in her voice as she said that last line.

"Jel… are you crying?"

She sniffed before saying, "Of course not. What do I have to cry about?"

He was finally beginning to understand why this feeling was referred to as 'heartbreak'. There had been an almost constant tightness in his chest for months that had turned into a sharp pain when Luke told him she had resigned. It was just beginning to subside back to a dull ache when he had run into her at dinner last month and then walked away from her again.

He had also found himself unconsciously rubbing his chest a lot lately.

"Look, if you're not going to talk then we should just disconnect. I'd rather you not call me out of guilt or a sense of obligation."

"Actually, I'd like to talk in person."

They were both silent again, Kyp could only hear her breathing before she finally said, "I'm going to have a shower and order some dinner and then go to bed. Do whatever you want."

"You're at Jacen's?"

"Yeah, he's on a mission. He suggested I use his place."

"That was nice of him."

"Well, he was my Master."

Ouch… where do you go from that comment smart guy?

"So, what are you ordering?"

To a new subject.

"For dinner? I don't know, probably Ithorian. I've missed it."

Of course, their favorite, probably from the restaurant they used to practically live in when they were on Coruscant, the one where everyone knew them and they were treated like royalty.

Just say it before you have a chance to change your mind.

"You want to order for me too?"

"Yeah," she said slowly. "I could do that."

"So… I'll see you in an hour? Does that give you enough time to… uh…" Oh no no no… there is a mental image you didn't need. "Shower… or whatever?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

Her voice had softened but Kyp didn't know if it was from relief because he was on his way to see her or resignation because he was on his way to see her.

"Don't forget the Calendi sauce."

I'm so sorry I'm doing this to you. It's better this way, you deserve better than me.

"OK, I'll see you in a bit."

"Yeah… in a bit."

"Bye."

"Bye, Jella."

I love you…

When Kyp was sure he had heard the sound of Jysella's comm clicking off he turned his own off and tossed it back onto the table and leaned back into the couch with a huff, thoroughly disgusted with his cowardice.

So what if she was younger? What difference did it make if they truly loved each other?

But she wasn't just younger; she was a child, or had been. A child he had been charged with teaching and protecting. If only she would act like a child now, this would all be so much easier. But no, she had to be grown up, and poised, and wise beyond her years, and insightful, and funny, though he suspected he was the only one who had ever really seen that side of her. Add beautiful to this list, and sensitive; he knew he was the only one who had ever really seen that side of her.

And she was in love with him, despite knowing his faults and weaknesses better than any other being in the galaxy had ever known them.

Oh gods, he did not want her to take this job; he did not want her flying with the Wraiths, all alone, without him by her side to make sure she was safe.

Yeah… they were definitely going to fight tonight.

Jacen Solo's Apartment, Senate City, Coruscant

Jysella was a wreck.

She had changed four times, done her hair, taken it down, put on makeup, taken it off, and then showered a second time and started getting ready all over again.

She eventually settled for throwing her nearly dry hair up into a twist to keep it out of her face, and pulling on her favorite lounging clothes, the outfit she slept in nightly.

Comfort was essential when going into battle and besides, she reasoned, Kyp had seen her at her best; she still cherished his compliments of her formal gown the evening of her eighteenth life day party. Even more endearing was that he made her feel beautiful when she was at her worst; covered in grime, sweat, and blood thinking they were both about to die. A pair of threadbare training pants and a cozy tank top would be fine.

She was making her way back to the kitchen to finish preparing for dinner when it dawned on her that these were pants she had stolen from Kyp ages ago. A second of panic descended until she realized; he's a man… he would never notice something like that and since he would be there any minute, changing didn't really seem to be an option.

She prayed he didn't recognize the pants, she felt pathetic enough as it was.

She reached the kitchen and pulled the food from the oven where she had placed it to stay warm and opened the bottle of wine the restaurant owner had sent along, to welcome back a good customer. Jysella wondered if Kyp hadn't been there recently, maybe he'd been on more missions than usual.

As she placed the wine on the table, her mind drifted back to the last time she had seen Kyp. He had almost kissed her outside the House of Pain. He had come so close to admitting that he did love her… so close.

Thank you again, Master Solo.

She supposed that she should have been grateful that it had been Jacen and not her dumbass brother that had interrupted the moment she'd dreamt of for months, but… ahhhh… Kyp had been so close…

And despite his promise, not a word since… no comm, no message, and no apology for not finding time to talk.

Nothing.

Zero.

Zilch.

Ass.

She had tried to be patient for the first week she was back on the Errant Venture. She meditated a lot, helped Dex with minor X-wing repairs, and planned multiple responses to every variation of the phrase 'Jysella, we cannot be together'.

By the tenth day, her anger had returned, meditation no longer calmed her, and she found herself snapping at Booster every time he opened his mouth. She had actually begun to feel bad; Booster knew her better than anyone else in the family and therefore hadn't pushed her to confess what was making her so miserable, which, of course, was why Jysella had gone to him in the first place.

After the second week, she was simmering and could break transparisteel by looking at it long enough. She had accidentally warped a hydrospanner Dex had been holding when he asked if she had heard from his buddy Kyp. Dex happened to be Force sensitive, though untrained, and had 'accidentally' ruined plenty of things himself over the years, so he took her use of the Force in stride and had quickly changed the subject.

It got to the point where she would have happily taken a lightsaber to Kyp's midsection if he'd been accommodating enough to get within striking distance, and she'd labeled Dex a traitor to all women for simply having the audacity to still like Kyp, which she had to admit to herself, if no one else, he had every reason to.

By the time a month had passed she was sad again, and resigned, even more so than when she had fled the capital the first time. Clearly this was the end of the line. Kyp didn't want to be with her, despite the feelings that he worked so hard to bury, leaving her no choice but to try to get on with her life and pray she didn't see him again for a very long time.

Then, two days ago, the head of GFFA Intel herself had summoned Jysella to Coruscant to discuss an opportunity, so here she was, once again, waiting for Kyp to walk through the door and tear her heart out.

She knew exactly how this evening would go.

They were going to fight.

They were going to fight about him not wanting her to take this 'mystery' job that Belindi would only outline face-to-face, and then they were going to fight about his lying about his feelings for her. And she was sure that at some point they'd get to her leaving the Order.

Yeah... they were definitely going to fight tonight.

Kyp stood in the hall, staring at the door to Jacen's apartment, for what felt like hours but was probably only seconds, steeling himself for what lay on the other side.

This shouldn't be so hard. You should be able to walk in there and talk to her, tell her the job is too dangerous and that you care too much to see her take it.

It shouldn't be too hard. After all; he did care.

It's a simple conversation, talk to her, adult to adult. Deal with this issue and get on with your life.

Such as it was.

But that was the problem; he seemed to be having a really hard time getting on with his life without her in it.

He banged his head into the wall and wondered if that was an anthropological trait passed down as his species had developed. Did humans innately seek physical pain to divert their attention from the emotional? Which led to a question he'd been asking himself for months; was he going to hurt like this forever? Or would it one day dull to an ache that he only felt when she was near?

He straightened as the door in front of him flew open revealing the object of his angst.

And his confusion.

And his love; all wrapped up in a perfect little black haired, hazel eyed, stunningly proportioned package.

"Hello, Jella."

She didn't answer, just quirked an eyebrow at him, a sign he recognized; she wasn't sure how to respond, so he pulled her into a hug. He had seen the tension in her body the second she was in sight and decided to hold on to her until she relaxed a little. It took awhile, but he couldn't deny loving every second she was in his arms.

Until she tensed again and pulled away.

"You can stand out here all night if you want, but I'm starving and I'd like to eat before dinner gets cold."

She stepped back; allowing just enough room for him to pass by her, then hit the sensor, closing them off from the outside world.

Dinner was finished and the second bottle of wine was open and breathing. They were both more relaxed than Kyp would have dared hope and had even had a pleasant time discussing the missions he had been on recently and what she had been up to on her grandfather's Star Destroyer.

Now, with a lull in conversation, Kyp began to feel awkward again and knew he couldn't avoid the inevitable so decided to jump right in.

"So, did Belindi tell you what she wanted to speak with you about?"

He watched carefully while she leaned back in her chair and smiled sadly. He had the overwhelming sense that she now knew, if she hadn't all along, that this was what had finally brought him to her.

"She'd like to talk to me about a job."

"Did she tell you what the job was?"

"No, but I've been living on the Errant Venture for the past two months. There is a squadron of state of the art X-wings, complete with cloaking technology that, according to Council meeting briefs you used to pretend you didn't know I was reading, even some of the military doesn't realize is beyond the prototype phase. The pilots, some of whom I know are Wraiths, their support staff, and a med unit are the only residents that I have seen in a secluded part of a Star Destroyer known galaxy wide for its disreputable dealings. Plus, we make jumps for reasons I have yet to figure out and Booster claims aren't strange.

"If I ran Intel and needed to be able to get an elite extraction team into areas where I was conducting super top secret, very dangerous, high priority missions on worlds that I wasn't supposed to be sending agents to, and then also have them pick up Jedi if they happened to need a lift, I think a cranky old man with his own Super Deuce is the first person I'd go to. And Booster has been kind of quiet lately about how inept Omas's government is. I'm guessing it's because he cut some kind of a deal; fire up the drives and move the Venture to within a micro-jump of wherever the Wraiths need to be within a few hours, and in return he can conduct any business he wants as long as he's not maiming younglings.

"Side note; how ironic is it that it only dawned on me a few weeks ago that I spent my first few days in Bacta after we had to be extracted from Sakyia on the Venture."

Kyp sat shaking his head, disturbed by her flippant reference to that mission and yet amused at the correct conclusions she had drawn and by the way she stated it. But he couldn't let the invasion go.

"You were reading my Council meeting notes?"

"It's not like I was a security risk. And you can stop pretending that you had no idea."

"What if I'm not pretending?"

"Really? I always sort of figured you were impressed with my hacking skills and were changing your codes and the locations of the files to improve my abilities."

"Actually, I was impressed, but I kept changing the codes and locations to stop you from reading things you weren't supposed to have access to, not to hone your skills."

"Why didn't you just tell me to stop if you didn't want me doing it?"

Kyp looked at her incredulously as she tried to project a picture of innocence and sincerity; thank the Force he knew better. "Because we would have had a fight about it..."

He watched her face break into first a delighted little grin… then a proud smile...

"And then you would have ignored me and kept reading them anyway."

… before she bit her lower lip in an attempt to stifle the giggle that was working its way out.

"I figured I'd save us both the headache and sore throats by cutting out the middle step."

It felt so good to see her laugh. He had forgotten, with all the tension between them in the last year, how much fun he had with her, how easy it had been to spend time with her, live with her, work with her, before he found out how she really felt about him.

"Was I that difficult a kid?"

He gaped at her and then laughed himself. "It was four months ago. Don't blame it on your youth. And, yes, you were difficult. But I wouldn't trade a day."

They were both suddenly fascinated with the remains of the meals on the plates in front of them and Kyp was relieved when she found a new topic, because he was quite certain that bringing up how great her hair smelled, even from a meter away, wasn't a place he should go.

"Dex says 'Hi'."

"Ah, Dexie… how is he?"

"Lonely. Wraiths have lost three newbies since I've been there, though I'm not supposed to know that. He keeps giving up his wing mates to fill in spots vacated by the pilots they've lost."

"You can't take this job, Jysella."

He tried to soften the edge in his statement by adding her name; too bad he used the wrong one. They both knew he only called her 'Jysella' when he was angry or upset.

Searching deep within himself for the courage to look up and meet her gaze, he was not surprised by what he saw. It never failed to fascinate him that her expression could go from I'm young and beautiful and vibrant and isn't life great? to I'm going to freeze you out emotionally and make you feel so bad about yourself that your grandchildren will be born with complexes, if you manage to find a woman dumb enough to breed with you, that is' in less than five seconds. On some worlds they referred to women capable of that as 'mercurial'. He preferred 'terrifying'.

He dropped his head again and waited to hear what words she would choose to eviscerate him with.

"I hardly think you're in a position to tell me what I can or can't do with my life."

That wasn't so bad… but if he opened his mouth too soon, didn't give her a lot of time to jump back in to finish expressing her displeasure, he might step right on a landmine, so he began counting…

…backwards…

…in Vong.

When he reached fifty-two he leaned back in his chair and looked up.

"You're right, I'm not in any position to tell you what you can do, but I still don't want you to take the job."

"I need to work, Kyp. A girl has to eat and I can't live off of Booster forever."

"Then go get a job, just not the most dangerous one Intel has to offer. Go work for your mother."

"I'd need to see my mother to ask her for a job and I haven't. Not once since I left Coruscant in fact."

For the millionth time he tried to figure out the Horns. To the outside world they seemed like family focused do-gooders. If anyone had any idea how abandoned Jysella had felt when she was dumped in his lap all those years ago…

"There are other jobs out there."

"Yeah, but I'm actually trained to do this one."

"I know; I trained you."

"Suddenly not feeling so confident in your teaching skills?"

"No, Jysella, suddenly terrified that you won't live to see twenty three."

They stared at each other for a long moment, indignation and rage brewing in her and filling the air around them until a light seemed to go on behind her eyes that made Kyp smile.

"Wait, that's like a year away."

"You're a really good pilot, I'm sure you'd skew the stats." Then, more quietly, "But I still don't want you to take it."

She slumped back in her chair and breathed deeply.

"Fine, you don't want me to take the job."

He blinked and briefly wondered if he had heard her correctly.

"So, you're not going to take it?"

"If, in fact that is what she is offering me…"

"It is," he admitted miserably. "The Council discussed it for over an hour this morning."

That shocked her and immediately killed the inner peace she seemed to be working to find.

"Why? I'm not a Jedi anymore, what difference does it make to them?"

Her tone was instantly imperious and Kyp had to fight not to react to it; he knew that if he wanted to convince her, he had to remain calm. Reaching across the table and pulling one of her hands into both of his he launched into the speech he had been practicing, editing, and revising, in his head all day.

"It's too dangerous. You've been hanging out with Dex, you were exactly right about why Belindi is recruiting. This squad specializes in going into circumstances that have already gone to hell. They have a better success rate getting their targets out than getting themselves out. You know this; you've been an extraction target. Please don't take this job just because you're trying to prove a point to me or be contrary."

Yanking her hand back violently, Jysella stood up and grabbed the plates from the table. She stalked over to the sink and Kyp heard the sound of their dinnerware hitting the counter and winced.

"If I take this job it won't be because I'm being contrary to you. I'll take it because it's a great opportunity and an honor to be asked to join them."

Kyp felt his heart rate soar and what patience he was holding onto vanished. Maybe he had misjudged her intelligence. Standing up, he turned and finally began to yell.

"Is it going to feel like an honor when you're sent into an impossible situation and don't make it out alive? Is it going to feel like an honor when you're dead?"

"Thanks for your belief in my abilities."

"This has nothing to do with your abilities. The Wraiths are the best of the best and they are dying as fast as they can be replaced. Their survival stats are the lowest of any of the squadrons in the GA."

"Well," she began quietly, too quietly for Kyp's liking, "as I said before, it's not your place or your right to counsel me on this decision, so maybe we should change the subject."

"You want to change the subject? Fine. How about we discuss what you'd like to wear on your funeral pyre? That's if your body is even recovered after you're shot down."

"How about we discuss why my death would even matter to you?"

Kyp laughed, but his laugh was entirely without joy.

Jysella sniffed and wiped at the tears that suddenly began to fall down her cheeks.

"Kyp, I don't want to fight. I've missed you and this is not how I want to spend what little time you'll give me."

She returned to the table and refilled their glasses before looking at him, a plea in her eyes.

He took his seat again and they sat quietly for a bit.

"Do you know what the most painful part of all of this has been?"

He didn't even look up, just shook his head, and was impressed that she had been able to distill it down to only one.

"That I didn't just lose the man I love when you walked away, but my best friend, too. I could have really used my best friend in the last few months."

"Do you lay awake at night trying to think up things to say to make me feel worse than I already feel?"

"No, actually I lay awake at night wishing I could turn back time and erase any one of so many mistakes I've made."

Pain lanced him through his chest and his breathing hitched slightly. "Jel, you're not the one who's made mistakes."

"No? How about the mistake of telling you I was in love with you in the first place? Because in doing so I blew the one chance I had to be with you in the only way you would ever allow."

Kyp stood again and walked to the counter, putting his palms on the surface and leaning his head into the storage unit above.

"Or, how about trying to explain my feelings to you afterwards? I should have pretended I had been delirious and didn't even remember saying it."

She regrets telling me? You're an even bigger jerk than you give yourself credit for, Durron. Of course she regrets it, you've worked hard to ensure that.

"Or, this is a big one, how about not protesting harder when my parents informed me that I was going to Ossus after the war ended. I should have put up a bigger fight and demanded to go to Corellia with Sy and Myri. I never wanted to be a Jedi in the first place."

Kyp's head shot up and he spun to look at her, and watched as the tears began to fall faster. "What do you mean? You loved being a Jedi… and you were a really good one."

"No, Kyp, I loved being with you. I loved how much you loved being a Jedi. I loved learning from you and earning your trust and respect."

He was too stunned to even respond and continued searching her face and her presence, looking for any indication that she was making this up. But all he could feel was sincerity and grief.

"Do you know that you were the first person in my life to care enough to set boundaries for me? Or demand that I accomplish anything?

"When you refused to take me on that mission to Adumar and said you were having me reassigned when you came back… I was terrified. I had never cared that someone was walking away before. I was used to it from my parents, hell, I didn't know where they were half the time when I was a kid, and that was before the invasion, but the idea of you walking away…"

Jysella held up her hand and called a dish towel off the counter so she could wipe her nose and eyes.

Kyp fought with himself over what to do or say, but was still too shocked to really be able to respond to what she had just revealed. It never crossed his mind that she was only getting warmed up.

"Have you ever loved another woman the way you love me?"

And you thought you'd hidden it so well. You are the biggest fool in the galaxy.

For about half a second he considered claiming that he didn't, but couldn't quite see the purpose anymore. "No." His voice was a whisper, so he took a breath and cleared his throat before beginning again. "No, Jel, I have never loved anyone the way I love you."

He had expected to see triumph in her expression, for finally getting him to admit his feelings, but there was no reaction, as though his speaking the words were more for himself than for her, it was information she already had.

"And you're comfortable walking away from me, from our feelings? Facing life without me in it?"

"Comfortable isn't the word I would use."

She smiled slightly. "But you'll do it anyway, for propriety's sake?"

"Yes, I'll do it. I've been trying to do it anyway. That's why I left you with Luke to begin with, I just… I just…"

"You just what? Thought I'd grow out of my feelings and you'd live in self-denial for the rest of your life? You always did tend to that masochist trait."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your tendency to deny yourself things, like comfort and human contact. Until you're about to burst, that is. Then you'd sneak out and look for companionship from women you would never love."

Kyp's chest constricted again, he was suddenly finding it harder to breathe than he could ever remember, and was vaguely aware of rubbing his chest for comfort.

"All I ever wanted was for you to know that someone loved you, felt you were worth loving, deserved to be loved. I'm not innocent now and I wasn't at sixteen. I knew the difference between you going out on recon at the beginning of a mission and you needing physical contact. I even knew their names. I wondered for so long why you didn't keep in contact with any of them when we weren't on their home worlds, until I realized that you weren't actually having relationships with them because you didn't think you deserved love and you were a coward."

She's always known you better than you know yourself… Why is this coming as such a shock?

"I have to go."

Jysella nodded slightly, the small sad smile faded as the tears began again in earnest.

"Yeah… you have to go."

Because that's what cowards do. They go. Physically, emotionally…

He walked out of the kitchen, his chest burning, and was almost to the door when he heard her soft voice again.

"I'm taking the job, Kyp. I may have to spend the rest of my days lonely and emotionally deprived, but at least I'll feel like I'm doing something useful while I'm physically alive."

The door that would lead him out of Jacen's apartment felt so far away, but he was almost there… he would escape her, and the words that he couldn't handle, and the agony of knowing that everything she said, had ever said about them, was true and he hated her for it.

No… he didn't, but he wanted to. Wanted to find a way to hate her so this wouldn't hurt so badly.

"With any luck, I won't sway the Wraith's stats and I'll be dead in less than a year."

NO!

His hand hovered at the sensor for a fraction of a second as her words tore at his heart and mind, then he slammed his fist into it and began to run.

Before he was even aware of it, he was in the lift, panting to catch his breath, and grinding the heels of his hands into his eyes, desperately trying to get the sudden image of her lifeless body, and the sound of her voice, out of his head.

"With any luck… I'll be dead in less than a year."

Next time on Fear and Love...

The Happy Happy Hapans and their not so happy guests.

Say that 5 times fast!