Previously on Kyp Durron and the Meaning of Life…
Corran's family ties are still unstrung…
Kyp's sort of figuring things out…
And Jysella has a very expressive face...
Season 3
Episode 9
Interlude, Part 4
There is no political solution
To our troubled evolution
Have no faith in constitution
There is no bloody revolution
We are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Our so called leaders speak
With words they try to jail ya
They subjugate the meek
But it's the rhetoric of failure
We are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Where does the answer lie?
Living from day to day
If it's something we can't buy
There must be another way
We are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Are spirits in the material world
Spirits In the Material World/Sting
Durron/Horn Suite, Jedi Temple and Training Academy, Ossus
38 ABY
Eight Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War
"So you're saying…" Jysella paused, trying to collect her thoughts, and then was relieved when Kyp took over and tried to clarify.
"I'm saying that sentient beings tell themselves stories, it's our way of processing reality and bringing order to our internal chaos."
"I guess some people's stories would be longer than others."
"Decidedly."
She couldn't see his face, since her head was resting on the arm of her couch closest to where his feet rested at the end of his, but she could perfectly picture his wry smile as he answered.
Jysella loved these evenings, when, after a long day, she and Kyp could relax in their common room, sit in front of the fire, sip a glass of wine after dinner, and talk about everything and nothing.
It had been decided, when the Senate City Temple was completed, that most of the Council would be based outside of the reconstructed galactic capital. Kyp, for the time being, would be one of the masters that stayed behind. He and Jysella were traveling so much by then, doing so many missions, that sweeping in and out of Coruscant for debriefings wasn't any harder than sweeping in and out of Ossus. Then, with so many of the high ranking Jedi relocating, better living quarters opened up at the academy and quarters Kyp had missed out on during room assignments the first time around because of his bachelor status was open again and he nabbed it, then offered Jysella the second bedroom. The arrangement gave her a sense of them being a sort of family, easing some of the loneliness that dragging herself back to her own tiny dorm room in the student's wing every night had always caused her.
It was actually an easy transition for them because by the time it happened they had spent so much time working and traveling together that living apart seemed strange when they got back home. Their lives were completely intermeshed. Jysella already did most of Kyp's shopping and errand running, and he was always dropping by her room to give her little things he'd picked up or found while he was out. And if they weren't together, they were comming each other to say things they had forgotten to say earlier in the day, or, Kyp was calling to see if Jysella had seen what his favorite shockball player had just done to hers. Of course, the two main reasons their living together was so easy was that they had their own 'freshers and neither one of them even attempted to cook.
Tonight, after more than three hours of lightsaber practice, they'd had Ithorian food delivered from their favorite place and now lay sprawled out on the two couches. The holonews had been turned down when their random comments about current galactic events had turned into a conversation about what drove supposedly sentient beings to acts of depravity, or worse, in Jysella's opinion, indifference to other's acts of depravity.
"But, are you talking about specific stories, or like, fables and myths?'
"Both, really. The fables and myths are cultural stories, and seem to most often pertain to issues of morality, or explanations of mortality. Then there are the personal stories that individuals tell themselves to get through the drudgery of everyday life. Then, societies on the whole sometimes buy into individuals stories."
He paused, and Jysella guessed he was taking a drink, and probably deciding how best to phrase something, how to restate the concept he was toying with in a way that was clear. He had begun, probably in the last year or so, to incorporate more of his own life experiences and opinions into these talks, opening up to her about topics ranging from his views on politics and specific politicians, to his childhood before he'd been sent to Kessel with his parents. He had always been a good teacher, but in the beginning had been very careful to talk in theoretical terms, rather than about his specific beliefs. Jysella figured he was working hard to not impose his values on her, to encourage her to develop her own. She was surprised to later learn how truly ironic that was, since no one who had known Kyp in the years before she had come along had ever been treated to the restraint he showed her. But as time went by, as they experienced more together, built a history, and, as she became more of an adult, a peer, he became more open. From there it was a constantly flowing thing, the more she grew, the more participatory she was in these talks, the more he opened up to her, eventually beginning to delve into things that she suspected he had never discussed with anyone. It was a beautiful thing really, the bond they had nurtured and shared, and she treasured it.
"Another way to look at it, more specifically," Kyp continued, "is that we tell ourselves stories about who we are, and what we want so that we can justify in our minds why we behave in certain ways."
Jysella flipped onto her stomach so she could look at Kyp. He was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling, one hand resting on his wine glass now sitting on the floor, the other balled into a tight fist over his heart. She knew that Kyp thought he had her every mannerism memorized; perhaps he did, but she wondered if he realized that she knew him just as well.
"I'll give you an example," he continued, "during the war, I told Jaina a story. I told her that a developing Worldship was a superweapon; I fed her half-truths knowing that hearing a certain story would inspire her to act in a certain way, and she did. Was what I did wrong? Yes. Was the result wrong? I didn't believe so at the time, and even now I'm not sure. We both wanted to accomplish a goal; to defeat the invaders. The small story, that a Worldship was actually a superweapon, was a way to achieve my long term goal. Telling the small story, on its own, was in itself wrong, but if I had changed the focus to the big story, I couldn't have gotten her to do what I wanted her to do."
Jysella knew how hard it was for him to talk about the mistakes he had made in his life, knew that as he grew older and wiser, he regretted even more the hurt and damage he had inflicted, so she tried to be gentle as she asked, "And your tale pertains to this newscast because… leaders like Haidian Goth give their people the small story, just enough information to get them to do what he wants so they'll work to accomplish his goals?"
"Yes, I believe so. But then, there are the people who see, or have some concept of, the big story and choose to ignore it. They point to speeches, or press releases as evidence that they don't have, or were never given, the big story, because in focusing on only the small story, they can live with willingly participating, they can hide in delusion. And then of course," he continued, "there is the multitude of people who simply can't conceive of the idea that their leaders could lie to them, or give them only the small story."
Finally, she thought, a little amused, he was getting back to the idea that had started their conversation well over an hour ago, and filled in the connection herself, "Part of the reason political 'storytelling' is so abhorrent? It plays on the population's innocence, or naiveté - their inability to process the big picture. And it requires more than just one person to lie to a planet's population and keep the lie going. It requires a large number of people working together, behaving in selfish ways, either by ignoring information, or being ok with it, because it's not their own family being used as slave labor."
"Exactly. If, of course, there actually is slave labor..."
She rolled her eyes, which caused Kyp to laugh, and stop that ridiculous thought from going any further.
"Okay, anyway, sentient beings seem to have a remarkable capacity for self-deception."
"How else could so many live with social injustice?" she asked rhetorically.
"Or our own monumental mistakes. Trust me; I have plenty of experience with that."
She pushed up to her side, bent her elbow and planted her head on her hand, giving herself a clear view of Kyp as he sat up a little further, and propped the pillows behind him so he could drink without spilling on himself. She waited until he was settled, not out of meanness, but because she genuinely wanted to see his face, when she asked, "Do you still blame yourself for Carida?"
She felt his jolt of shock through their bond, and no wonder - in all their time together, all their talks about the Dark Side - she had never been brave enough to mention this specifically.
His eyes flashed to hers for a second before focusing on the ceiling, again. Once the surprise at her question eased, she felt his regret, his shame, and his desire to get up and flee, to lock himself in his room and not have to face her.
Not have to face her.
Now she had her own regret to deal with, and yet another clear piece of evidence that her opinion of him mattered. But he didn't leave, and he didn't keep staring at the ceiling, he looked directly at her and opened up.
"I will always blame myself for Carida, and I should."
"But you were being controlled by Exar Kun."
"I made the choice to listen to an external voice then committed a despicable act that I wanted, on some level, to commit anyway. To leave the explanation at 'I was being controlled by a long dead Sith Lord' would be a fine example of how we tell ourselves stories, recreate our past actions; spin our own reasons and motivations so we can live with what we've done. I blew up a planet. I ended twenty-five million lives. Later, I told myself that my actions were the result of an external influence that I had no control over. That was the only way at the time that I could live with the consequences of my behavior."
"And that's not the story you tell yourself now?"
"No."
"But you're still able to live with what you did."
"Barely…" he murmured, pulling the glass to his lips for a healthy drink.
And only with so much shame.
It killed Jysella that it still tore him up inside, but would he be the same man if he didn't harbor such guilt? If what he had done didn't torture him? Would she still love him if he felt about Carida in any other way?
Would she still love him?
For an instant, Jysella got a glimpse of what it must be like to love a child, to want to protect them from their mistakes, to use a parent's superior knowledge and experience to shield a son or daughter from their own bad choices. She was then flooded by not only a sense of how much her parents must love her, yet still found it hard to deal with her, but also the fact that she loved Kyp. Then, her focus shifted, and she instantly saw the difference between the two loves. She didn't just love Kyp, she was in love with Kyp, and the realization stunned her, left her scrambling to cover her emotions and plug back into the conversation as he resumed talking. She fought for inner calm to hide the tempest of emotions that this knowledge brought up in her, mildly amused by the thought that no other topic would have distracted him enough for her to have gotten away with masking anything as powerful as what she had just experienced.
"Now, I could continue to engage in telling myself the story that I had no control over the external forces that drove me to do what I did, but all these years later, it's harder for me to tell as simple a story, even to myself."
"So if you see it differently now…" Her voice trailed off.
"How do I continue to live with myself? How does the man you see me as wake up everyday and reconcile the fact that he did this atrocious thing, and not let it undermine everything I've ever tried to accomplish since? It's not easy.
"I spent a lot of years trying to pretend that it didn't happen, or ignoring it. Now, I try to see the lessons in it. Try to remember so that I can avoid making other mistakes. But it's never far from my thoughts, and it does cast a shadow on everything I do, touches every aspect of my life, because I have to constantly question my motivations, ask myself why I am really doing something. Am I doing something to make up for what I did? In spite of what I did? Despite what I did?
"Every choice, no matter how small, I question my motivations, and that is both a hindrance and a relief. But, the day I find myself making choices without taking my past actions into consideration is the day that Luke should take me out, because that is when I become a danger to society again, and the people I care about.
"However, in thinking of all these things, I also have to take into consideration that things that in and of themselves may not seem totally Light, may ultimately serve the Light, just like things that in and of themselves may seem Dark ultimately can end up serving the Light."
Jysella smiled, "And this is where we segue into the shades of grey that the Jedi are now dealing with."
"Precisely. Which probably means class is over for the day."
"Thank the Force." Jysella flopped onto her back and stretched her arms and legs before sliding off the couch, landing in a crouch on the floor, and standing up and making her way to the kitchen cooling unit. "It's going to take me days to process this heavy lesson."
"Don't think all that processing is going to get you out of working on your healing trances tomorrow. You suck at those."
She gasped in mock indignation, as she grabbed two bottles of water and made her way to the back of Kyp's couch, sitting on the edge to face him and dropping one of the bottles into his waiting hand, enjoying the smile that played on his lips. "I'm so offended."
"I'd rather offend you now than have you bleed to death later because you can't find your own popliteal vein or radial artery." He grabbed her hand and held it, sending a tingling sensation up her arm and, with startling clarity, Jysella realized that the feeling she had just identified was nowhere near new. "Seriously, Jel… I'm starting to get a little concerned. You're too smart and too powerful to have such a hard time with this. We've been lucky so far, but what happens if you're hurt and need to put yourself into a trance and I'm not there to push you along."
The very idea of a day without Kyp there to help her in that way caused her chest to tighten slightly, the same way it always tightened at the thought of not being with him. "I wonder if other Masters express their love for their apprentices in such terms."
If Kyp noticed her almost tripping over the word love, he didn't give any indication. "Only if other Masters have apprentices like you, which is highly unlikely."
She laughed and leaned down to kiss the top of his head, something she did nearly every night, but tonight, felt vastly different. "I'm sure. Good night, Kyp."
"Good night, Jel."
She turned and headed down the hall, hearing the news being turned back up, knowing that Kyp would watch until too exhausted to think about what they'd just been discussing. When she reached her room, she let herself in, closed the door and then leaned against it and sank down to the floor, one thought bouncing and ricocheting around her head.
I'm in love with Kyp.
Well, that certainly explained a lot.
Council Chamber, Jedi Temple, Senate City, Coruscant
38 ABY
Several Months After Jysella's Startling Realization
Corran Horn watched his daughter, the picture of calm professionalism, finishing up the first part of her report on the mission she and her master had completed six days ago.
It sometimes stunned him that this serene, poised woman speaking to the Council was the same angry girl he nearly had to beg Kyp Durron to take under his wing a mere four years earlier. He knew their time together had started off rocky, could imagine the hell Jysella must have put Kyp through if the rumors that he had come very close to dumping her once were true. But as he listened to her now, felt the pride in her demeanor radiating off Kyp, he was pretty sure that he had done the right thing in seeking out the other man's help. Of course, they hadn't gotten to the second part of her report, an explanation of how Kyp and Jysella ended up in Zeltros Space, roughly one hundred light years from where they were supposed to be, on the opposite side of the galaxy from Coruscant, and wondered if he'd still feel like Kyp was a good influence when that story came out.
"So, Apprentice Horn, it was you that finally persuaded the Hundari to agree to reopen negotiations with the Figneeshi?" Kyle Katarn asked.
Jysella tilted her head slightly and replied, "As I stated earlier, Master Durron laid the groundwork. I just happened to be the one speaking with the Chief Frinde when he finally saw reason."
Corran listened, fascinated, as Kyp amended, "My apprentice is being modest. I only gave her suggestions on what reading to do to prepare for the mission. She chose what to focus on and bring up in the meetings."
Kyp's respect for Jysella's performance was clear, and Corran could understand why. Where Corran and Mirax seemed to inspire nothing but frustration and pain in their daughter, Kyp inspired confidence and a drive to succeed. Where the Horns still had difficulty in getting through even a couple of fight-free days with her, Kyp had managed to train, work, and live with her for years. He and Mirax would be eternally grateful for Kyp's success in helping Jysella find confidence and inner peace, but they would always regret that they had had no part in her self-discoveries.
He watched the way the two interacted, saw the mutual caring and protectiveness in the little bits of nonverbal communication that stemmed from years of backing each other up, getting into and back out of hairy situations. Their connection was palpable, and he sometimes felt the Force had little to do with it because it reminded him of the bond he shared with Mirax, how they worked together, and his wife didn't have the Force.
"Well, either way," Luke said, "we're all impressed with your performance, Jysella. We were concerned that this mission would present problems earlier than it actually did." Corran noticed both Kyp and Jysella tense, aware of what was coming next, "which of course brings us to Kyp having to go EV… again."
"That wasn't his fault." Jysella quickly offered. "He only got into the engagement to fight them off so I could get clear."
Kyp winced, though whether it was because he once again had to defend his needing to be picked up, managing to get Jysella into such a dangerous situation to begin with, or Jysella's speaking up on his behalf without being asked, Corran couldn't tell. He wasn't surprised, however, at his daughter's passionate defense of her Master.
"Be that as it may," Mara said, "you still haven't told us how you were able to break away from the battle in the first place, why you went back into it once you were clear, or how it was that you accidentally ended up in the middle of a three way pirate gang dogfight to begin with."
Jysella blushed just slightly, her eyes darting quickly to Kyp. Neither of them spoke for a second, until Kyp finally came clean, somewhat, "We… took a slight detour on the way back."
"Slight, Kyp?" Kam Solusar asked.
Kyp hesitated, confirming Corran's hunch that they were covering something, and that no matter what the Council heard, it wouldn't be the whole story.
"We'd heard rumors of po…"
"Pirating." Jysella cut in. And Corran couldn't tell who was covering for whom.
He could feel Kyp try to hide the spike of displeasure at Jysella's interruption, but she kept going before he could stop her.
"I was working on a report about a shipment of Bacta that went missing on route to Zeltros, and I asked Master Durron if we could check it out since our mission took half the time we thought it would."
"So that's the story of how you got there, now tell us how you got out of the dogfight?" Corran asked his daughter, though if he were honest, he knew how she'd done it, but father's pride won out over the desire to conserve Council time.
"I locked onto the minds of three of the other pilots, and projected images of myself behind them…"
"Three?" Corran asked, and tried to ignore Kyp's chuckle.
"Yes, Master Horn, three of them… simultaneously - and when they tried to shake me, or the me they each thought they saw, I was able to get out."
"Thank you for indulging your father, Apprentice Horn," Kyle said, shaking his head slightly, "And you returned to the fight because?"
A slight wave of impatience rippled through her, and Corran had to agree, that was a ridiculous question, even for Kyle.
"Master Durron was surrounded, and under heavy fire. He was losing what was left of his shields. I knew he was going to have to eject, so I needed to clear the field for him."
"And put yourself back in danger by doing so, negating the purpose of his engaging in the first place." Kyle added.
"Are you suggesting that I should have left him behind?" To Jysella's credit, she attempted to keep the incredulity from her voice, but didn't quite succeed.
"It is a Master's duty to protect his student, even at the risk of his own life, that standard is not held to an apprentice."
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time my efficiency as a student has been examined by this Council. I'd think you'd all realize by now that I wouldn't leave him behind so I'm not quite sure what the purpose of the question was."
"Thank you, Jysella." Mara jumped in, trying to defuse the situation before Kyle could respond, or comment on Jysella needing to learn how to speak to a Council member, or Kyp jumped in to defend Jysella's behavior. "Let's go back to why you were even there." Mara was being very generous in her attempt to give Kyp and Jysella one more chance to own up, and Kyp might have if Jysella didn't once again speak.
Corran didn't believe for a second that this had anything to do with a missing Bacta shipment, and if he knew his daughter at all, knew anything of what Kyp and Jysella considered a good time, figured that since their mission had finished in less time than anyone could reasonably have assumed it would, they thought they could sneak off to Zeltros, spend a day at the pod racing tracks, having ales and placing bets, and still make it back to Coruscant in time to brief the Council before anyone realized that they had even completed the actual assignment. And they would have been fine if Jysella's X-wing hadn't been pulled out of hyperspace by one of the pirate gang's interdictors, causing Kyp's frantic search for her and landing himself in the middle of the melee that Jysella was already desperately trying to fight her way out of.
"As I already said, it was my idea to go to Zeltros."
Kyp's lip twitched, a sure sign that he wanted to add more, but Jysella was doing something, giving him some kind of signal that only Kyp could read, and he kept quiet, giving Corran the impression that they hadn't actually lied yet, just omitted whatever they didn't want the Council to know, like which racers they had bet on. He wouldn't have been surprised to find out they'd met Dex Wessiri there. That would certainly explain how Jysella had managed to get the extraction team in to pick Kyp up so fast.
Of course, the fact that their mishap led to the arrest of two of that area's most successful pirates, and the confiscation of millions of credits' worth of stolen goods would ultimately make it easier for the Council to gloss over the matter. In all honesty no one really wanted to censure Kyp for this, because in the grand scheme of mistakes that Kyp Durron had made in life, taking his nineteen year old apprentice out for a day of gambling and a few drinks after completing a mission successfully was really nothing, she was an adult, after all. And considering the trouble Jysella could have caused the Order if Kyp's influence hadn't made such an impact… Corran shuddered to think about the possibilities.
Finally, sighing deeply, Luke said, "I'm not going to press this any further. I'd like to, but frankly, the end result is that the cost of yet another X-wing signed out to Master Durron is less than the cost of the investigation it would have required to bring in this particular ring of criminals, so I'm going to call it a wash and pretend I don't suspect that you two were sneaking off to do something the rest of us would prefer you not do on the Order's time or creds and hope Belindi is too busy in her new capacity as our grand overseer to catch this. I would ask, Master Durron, that you consider whether this is really a lesson you want your apprentice to learn."
Kyp dropped his gaze for a moment, then looked back up at Luke and smiled slightly. "Subversion is a lesson I've been trying to knock out of her for years, Master Skywalker… you'd be amazed at the progress I have managed to make."
Corran watched his daughter's head tilt forward, the hood of her robe falling enough to hide her face from clear view, but he didn't miss the slight shake of her shoulders indicating that she was fighting not to laugh out loud.
It was nice to know that Kyp hadn't succeeded in all the ways in which he himself had failed.
Next time on Fear and Love…
Coming full circle… wrapping up the Kyp and Jysella origin story...