Fear and Love Chapter 33: Season 4, Episode 3, a new jedi order fanfic

Previously on Senate City Confidential…

Valin may have left the boys lunch… but Jacen has more to share…

Soooooo much more to share…

Season 4
Episode 3

I am still living with your ghost
Lonely and dreaming of the west coast
I don't want to be your downtime
I don't want to be your stupid game

With my big black boots and an old suitcase
I do believe I'll find myself a new place
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want do your sleepwalk dance anymore
I just want to see some palm trees
I will try and shake away this disease

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

I am still dreaming of you face
Hungry and hollow for all the things you took away
I don't want to be your good time
I don't want to be your fall-back crutch anymore

I'll walk right out into a brand new day
Insane and rising in my own weird way
I don't want to be the bad guy
I don't want to do your sleepwalk dance anymore

I just want to feel some sunshine
I just want to find some place to be alone

We can live beside the ocean
Leave the fire behind
Swim out past the breakers
Watch the world die

Yeah watch the world die

Santa Monica/Art Alexakis, Craig Montoya, Greg Eklund

A Popular Sidewalk Cafe Near The Jedi Complex, Senate City, Coruscant
40 ABY
Nearly 11 Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War

The other three sat quietly as Valin walked away, until, Kyp could tell, curiosity was getting the best of Jag.

"You've got a thing for Tahiri?" Jag asked at the same time Jacen asked; "Does Noya know you're sparring with Jaina?"

Kyp watched them stare at each other, trying to figure out if the answer to either question was definitely yes or definitely no.

Finally Jag shook his head in defeat. Standing up, he said, "We'll talk later," and walked away.

Kyp studied his original lunch companion. "Nice evasion there, Master Solo."

Jacen raised an eyebrow. "High praise from you, Master Durron."

Kyp smiled and closed his eyes, letting his head fall back a bit, facing the warm afternoon sun, enjoying the fact that Jacen wasn't asking him any questions or giving him any advice. Enjoyed even more the sound of Jacen's comlink chirping, and prayed that for once he'd answer the chirp because it might mean an end to this meal. Then was stunned when Jacen did answer his comm, and by the way he answered it.

"Hello, Angel."

"Hello, Master."

Tahiri Veila's mellifluous voice filled the air and Kyp didn't bother to look at Jacen, just laughed quietly.

"I don't have much time, but I wanted to make sure you weren't in a tank."

Jacen chuckled. "And what did I tell you this morning?"

"I believe your exact words were, 'C'mon Angel, it's just lunch. It would take longer to walk to the hangar than the restaurant, and I promise… I'll be extra careful.'"

"Nice impression of me. And did I or did I not specifically have you pick the restaurant so you'd know that even taking a speeder couldn't possibly be an option?"

"I'm sure you'll be stunned to hear that did almost nothing to ease my mind. If anyone could turn burgers and boy talk into a Bacta dip it'd be you and Kyp."

"I resent that remark."

"No, you resemble that remark. And don't bother trying to sound offended, I can hear your smile."

"You got me."

"Mmmmm… making me the lucky girl." They both chuckled before Tahiri went on. "We're about to start… "

"Knock'em dead."

"You know I always do, and I'll be in the air and breaking atmosphere moments after I finish with the post show stuff. I should be home in six or seven hours."

"Astral. What do you want for dinner?"

"Corellian Alderranian fusion?"

"I was planning on serving you that for dessert."

"Really lucky girl… but don't hold dinner for me. It'll be too late for you to eat by the time I land."

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. Feed yourself and I'll dig into the bounty of very thoughtfully prepared, parceled, and frozen meals that were loaded onto the ship. I'll eat while I fly."

"And you remember how to heat up the packets?"

"Even if I didn't, the written and pictorial directions you wallpapered the galley with would clue me in. I've decided to leave the illustrations up, both to remember your sweetness and in case I ever get hungry and forget how to read simultaneously."

"I was shooting for clarity with no room for misinterpretation."

"Look at you achieving your goals. I particularly liked the illustration with the yellow haired stick figure's limbs flying through the air, the word 'boom', and the line through it."

"And what did that illustration tell you?"

"That blowing shit up in zero atmosphere is even worse than blowing shit up at home, and you'd prefer I not do it."

"Exactly."

"I must say, you outdid yourself with the proportions on the drawing right next to it. I'd beat your ass for making my stick figure representation too short to see over the top of the cooker if I hadn't laughed so hard when I saw it."

"Kriff… If I made your stick figure representation too short to see over the top of the cooker that must mean I forgot to put incredibly sexy, custom made, high heeled shoes on her."

"You also forgot lingerie, which I must say shocked me."

"I'll get my art supplies back out and fix that as soon as you're home."

"Oh, I have other plans for you as soon as I'm home."

"So demanding…"

"Tell you what, if you still have the energy to sit upright and draw pictures to mock me once I'm too retarded to say more than 'Kriff, God, yes' and 'thank you' then by all means… have at it. But be warned; I will beat your ass if I wake up and find ink marks on the sheets again."

"How many times do I have to apologize for that?"

"Until I get the last of the damn stains out of those sheets Jacen. We'd only had them a week. And need I remind you that I'd be considered tall on some planets."

"Endor's a moon Angel, not a planet."

Tahiri shrieked out a laugh and Kyp bit his lip to silence his own laugh, then realized that the noise in the background of Tahiri's comm was growing steadily louder as the conversation went on.

"Really Jace? An Ewok joke? Did you wanna get laid tonight?"

He was still laughing when he said, "More than I can express with mere words."

"Then you might want to knock that shit off."

"Note to self; implying that Tahiri is only marginally taller than an Ewok equals delayed naked Tahiri time for me."

"Beautiful delivery. You could have at least made it sound like you were afraid I'd withhold for more than a few minutes as punishment. And while I always enjoy the pictures and notes you leave me, I'm not incompetent; all I have to do to eat is boil water."

"Given your history with boiling water…" Jacen paused to laugh some more, and Tahiri was laughing with him, "...not a solid argument in your favor. Let Fiver make you dinner, to ease my mind. He knows what to do."

"I'm not loving the fact that you've been conspiring with Fiver behind my back."

"It wasn't behind your back… you were actually facing us. The fact that you were asleep while your son and I were conspiring is not my fault."

"Nice… Mr. Semantics."

"And it was only because he's as nervous about Mommy near a cooker as I am."

"Tell me again why I put up with this abuse."

"Because I'm a god in bed."

"Kriff. Since I'm the one that keeps screaming that out I don't suppose I can get away with denying it now."

"Not with any credibility. And do we even need to discuss that this god devotes a tremendous amount of time and energy to seeing that his angel is safe, happy, and well fed."

The audience was growing louder, chanting Tahiri's name, and Kyp realized she must be walking on stage.

"No... we don't... I guess in the grand scheme of things being teased about my height, shoe habit, and lack of culinary skills are small prices to pay in exchange for being kept safe, happy, and well fed by the almighty Supreme Lord of Orgasims himself."

Kyp finally looked back at Jacen as music began to play and the audience began to roar.

"There's my intro."

"So I hear. You might want to get your ass on stage."

"Because the sooner I do that…"

"The sooner I get to see your ass."

"Since I'm very much looking forward to you seeing my ass I should probably get out there."

"Don't forget to turn your headset on…"

Tahiri barked out a laugh then cut him off. "Ass! I did that once!"

"What can I say? It scared me. If you have to start the show over because you kriffed up your own intro, that's longer until you're home, and you know I'm already counting the minutes."

"As am I, my sweet, as am I."

With barely a breath after her last words to Jacen, Tahiri began to sing, the roar of the crowd growing exponentially, and Jacen rested his forehead against his hand and commlink.

"This wasn't supposed to happen,
I was happy by myself
Accidently, you seduced me,
I'm in love, again.

I lie in my bed,
Totally still,
My eyes wide open.
I'm in rapture.
I don't believe this,
I'm in love!

This wasn't
Supposed to happen,
I've been hit
With your charm.
How could you do this
To me?
I'm in love
Again...

I lie in my bed,
Totally still,
My eyes wide open.
I'm in rapture.
I don't believe this,
I'm in love...

This wasn't supposed to happen!
This wasn't supposed to happen!

I lie in my bed,
So tongue twisted,
My eyes wide open.
I'm in rapture.
I don't believe this,
I'm in love
Again…

Ég og hann, ég og hann við segjum
Ég og hann, ég og hann við finnum til
Ég og hann, ég og hann við segjum
Ég og hann, ég og hann við finnum til

I lie in my bed,
Totally still,
My eyes wide open.
I'm in rapture.

You've put a seed inside me,
And while you're away,
It's growing silently,
Starts in my stomach.
Embraces my insides,
And about to reach my heart.

This wasn't supposed to happen!
This wasn't supposed to happen!

This really hurts!

The crowd roared again as the music died down and Tahiri called out, "Helllllohhh, Andara! Thank you for the love!"

Jacen finally sat up as he turned his comm off and if the conversation alone hadn't done it, his expression told Kyp that Valin's assessment didn't begin to scratch the surface of Jacen's feelings for Tahiri. And here Kyp had just prayed for this encounter to be over.

"Angel?"

Jacen snorted. "With the ammunition I just handed you, you go with Angel? After we just spent two hours talking about Jella?"

Kyp laughed and picked a thykil chip up from his long forgotten plate and chucked it across the table.

"Has she picked up that many more languages, or is she working with a translator?"

Jacen smiled.

"Jel loves that song, played it over and over when it was first released. Almost as much as she played Stone Cold Sober... or Noticeable One… or Bitch… or Born To Die."

"No one knows."

"Obviously. The better question is; does Tahiri know?"

Jacen sighed as he let his head fall back, then lifted it and Kyp's heart filled with sympathy for him.

"No. Not the full extent anyway. Or, maybe I'm not delusional and I'm not imagining that not only does she know exactly how I feel, but feels the same. And though she's too kriffing stubborn to admit it to me, has no problem writing and singing songs about how she feels for the rest of the galaxy to enjoy."

"Wow… and… home? Is that just a habit from the Happy House days, or are you guys actually 'living together'?"

"I don't know… Does building and decorating multiple homes on multiple planets, having joint bank accounts so we can pay to maintain those homes and sharing the master suites in all of those homes constitute 'living together' or just being 'business partners'?"

"But… Tarkin…"

Jacen's expression went very dark very fast.

"And the reason you'd only whoop is because you've already swooped?"

"Yeah…"

Kyp sat for a minute, then said, "I don't have any memory of thinking of her as exceptionally short."

Jacen snorted again. "Zekk."

"And not because he's so freakishly tall we all look short standing next to him?"

Jacen shook his head. "When we all moved into Happy House together he instantly started making comments about how she wasn't old enough to… fill in the blank. For some crazy reason he still saw her as a little girl, and that she needed protecting and coddling."

Kyp chuckled. "He's always been a dumb bastard."

"Right? Anyway, Sliven had no concept of dates as we do but said that Cassa and Tryst, her parents, told him when they took him in that Tahiri was three, or about to turn three; we're not sure. Cassa and Tryst were killed a few months later, and then Tahiri spent six 'sandstorm cycles' with Sliven's tribe, so it was assumed that she was already nine when Luke and Tionne brought her to the academy. It was decided fairly early that she needed an official birth date, and the one they gave her made her legally older than Valin. They've been arguing over who's 'really' older for eighteen years."

"Sounds like your mom and Luke."

Jacen smiled and nodded before going on. "So even though she and Valin are basically the same age, Zekk never thought twice about him being old enough to hang out and party with us, even knowing that Tahiri had spent most of the war on the front lines while Valin was stashed in the Maw. She and Valin are close, genuinely adore each other, so a few months in she was reaching the boiling point with Zekk, and Valin was insulted on her behalf and finally asked Zekk…" Jacen broke off to laugh again, "Kriff, those two could be such a nightmare together; especially when they were high. So Valin asks Zekk... how many little girls he knew with a rack as impressive as Tahiri's."

Kyp started laughing with Jacen.

"Dex and Cem were staying with us at the time; we all thought Zekk's head was gonna explode. Tahiri sees the reaction and proceeds to launch a campaign to kriff with Zekk. Keeping pace, if not outdoing the rest of us in the partying department, and he still hasn't caught on to the fact that the shaping gave her an edge there; being very vocal and descriptive about her sex life. One morning she came in from a date, and when we asked how it went she announced that girls like to cum too, but since her date clearly didn't understand that he wouldn't be getting another chance."

"Anything she could come up with to drive home the point that she was an adult?"

"As if everything she'd seen, done, and survived already weren't enough reasons to be treated like an adult. One day she came tearing into the kitchen while yanking her clothes off, throwing them to us to hide under the table for her. When Zekk walked in she was standing at the sink doing dishes in a lace push up bra and matching underwear; not the kind of underwear a kid would wear. Somehow Valin and I managed to keep straight faces while we continued to eat, as if her doing housework in lingerie wasn't absurd or abnormal. She turned to Zekk and asked if he'd like some lunch too and all the color drained from his face, then he turned and walked out of the house. Didn't come back for like four hours.

"The punch line is that the lesson Zekk gleaned from her months of relentless kriffery was that she wasn't young, just short."

Kyp actually folded over he laughed so hard. "And her being 'short' became a thing?"

"She's the same height as Jaina, but even she joined in on the teasing because, as you heard, Tahiri reacts to it. But she has actually beaten Valin's ass for it, which is why he tattles on me."

"To see if she'll beat your ass too?"

Jacen nodded.

"And the cooking?"

"That is no joke. Her cooking doesn't just suck, the woman is actually dangerous in a kitchen.

"Now that you say that, I do remember you and Valin once talking about hoping the house was still standing when you got back because the mission had gone long and you were afraid Tahiri had run out of the meals you'd left her. I never realized she had such a sense of humor though."

"She's hilarious, and has no problem laughing at herself, or me, clearly. She's always been very serious about work though, both as a Jedi and an artist, but you've never spent any real time with her outside of Jedi work."

"True… in fact the bulk of the time I ever really spent with her was on Borealis, and there wasn't a lot of laughing happening there. And I must say, I'm impressed that you never denied Valin's accusation, and you weren't actually lying…"

"He would feel it, and since he's spent so many years teasing us about being a boring old married couple, we just keep going with it all being a joke."

"Does she often comm as she's walking on stage?"

Jacen shrugged. "Depends on where she is… where I am… the time difference… how long it's been since we've spoken…"

"So, that would be a 'yes'?"

He sighed again then said, "yeah…"

"Wait, if no one knows, what if I'd been someone else? What if Valin and Jag had still been sitting here when she comm'd? Jag wasn't just kriffin around, he's suspicious."

"That's never happened before, and we talk about her all the time. Something Valin said triggered his reaction. I'm hoping he either doesn't truly get it, or forgets. If it becomes an issue though I'll just sic Tahiri on him; she's gonna have a field day with his ass over the sparring with Jaina thing. She's been warning him from the start that nothing good would come from his not telling Noya that he had a very long relationship with Jaina. And to answer your original question, my comm only chirps for her, I wouldn't have answered if he'd still been sitting here."

Kyp's mouth fell open as he flashed to the first time he realized, years ago, that Jacen always answered his comm when it whistled, but never when it chirped, which was fairly frequently.

"This isn't a new thing."

Jacen shook his head slowly. "It started about a year after she left Ossus."

Kyp gaped. "Krrriffff… no wonder you're so good at evasion, that was six years ago… And Jel thinks she's had it rough."

"Not funny."

"I'm not laughing. And clearly your time with the Queen of Entertainment hasn't been anywhere near as innocent as my time with the Princess of Anger."

"What's the opposite of 'innocent'?"

"After what I just heard, God, I'm gonna go with 'torrid'."

Jacen leaned back in his chair as he ran a hand through his hair. "That would be a more accurate description."

"I'm… wow, Jace. Are you ever going to tell her how you really feel?"

"I'm thinking about it. It's… yeah… I may have finally reached the breaking point."

Kyp smiled, Jacen's relentless empathy for Jella suddenly making so much more sense, and he had to assume that Jel was the only reason Jacen had allowed him to hear that call and was talking about this. "After so many years… a lesser man would have broken long ago. And gone Sith."

"Funny you should say that; it's because of her that I've actually begun to wonder if my grandfather became Darth Vader because of my grandmother."

"That would certainly send the historians into a spiral." They both laughed again, then Kyp said, "I understand, reaching the breaking point that is."

"I was thinking of doing it tonight in fact."

"Ah, brave man."

Jacen gave a very Solo grin, "Brave or stupid, I guess we'll know in a few hours."

"I know I've said this already but… wow, Jace."

"And in case you hadn't figured this out, she'd lose her mind if she had any idea I'd let someone hear us talking like that. I've never wanted to keep this hidden, but I've gone along with it because it's what she wants and... I love her, so please Kyp, don't say anything to anyone."

Kyp nodded and smiled at him. "I assumed, and I won't."

"Thank you. But…" Jacen sighed, "back to you. What are you going to do?"

"Honestly, as much as I appreciate all you've said today, and the insight you've offered that I would never have appreciated as profoundly if I hadn't heard that conversation, I don't know. What I do know is that if the next time I have to face Jel it's while I'm dripping with Bacta, I might not get lucky enough to only have my spleen punctured."

"At least she didn't pull a lightsaber on you."

"Only because she turned hers over to Luke when she resigned."

"Dex didn't tell you? She built a new one."

Kyp's let his head fall. "Wonderful."

"I'm kidding. I have no idea if she's built a new one."

"You little kriffer," he laughed. "Although it wouldn't surprise me. You know I did try to see her last time, and she refused to answer her door, just stood on the other side of it and sent me a barrage of images of the various ways she could inflict more bodily harm."

"Given Tahiri's reaction to our being picked up last month, I can only imagine what this has been doing to Jysella. And you heard her - we may have been joking about you and me having lunch, but I know us going out on assignment genuinely scares her."

"Jel's been saying the same thing for ages. In fact, she was convinced sending us out together was a plot concocted by Kyle and Kennth to get rid of you and me."

"Maybe Jella and Angel actually care about us."

"And are comparing notes?" They both chuckled. "It's funny, you realize that if Tahiri hadn't left the Order she'd probably have trained Jysella."

"You want to send her a thank you gift or throttle her?"

Kyp smiled at that. "If I was going to throttle her for anything it would be for teaching Jel how to throw a punch."

Jacen laughed. "You have no idea how much fun I'm going to have telling her that you know she's the one. I was forbidden to tell you after she admitted that it was her because she thinks you hate her already."

"I've never hated her. I hated that she left."

"I know."

Kyp sighed; regret about the things he'd said to and about Tahiri because of her leaving the Order flooding him. "But she doesn't really know me, and I was an asshole about it."

"Yes, you were."

"And she knows what's going on with Jel and me?"

"The basics, but I didn't tell her. In fact, I didn't realize she had any idea until Jysella resigned and she asked me how pissed you'd be if she offered Jysella a position as a backup singer."

"You think she and Valin have talked about it?"

"Given Valin revealing that he's known... or suspected, that would make sense. But Tahiri has always adored Jysella, and you know they still talk; it's possible that Jysella told her. And as much as she and I gossip about our friends and relatives, she'd never tell me if Jysella asked her not to because she'd never betray that trust.

"In fact, I probably only escaped having my own spleen punctured last month because Tahiri immediately switched from anger at me to concern for Jysella when I had to explain your second dip. She'd also had several days to cool off between hearing about our pick up and finally having the opportunity to yell at me. I still don't know how she never found out that we were out there for hours and that only your beacon worked. Nor did she have the visual of us floating helplessly in space surrounded by what was left of our X-wings. Jysella did, and then had to pick you up yet again."

"And we come full circle…" Kyp sighed out. "Can we go back to talking about your kriffed up love life? That was less painful."

"For you maybe."

"The truth is, when I tried to see her last time, I didn't really have anything new to say."

"Do you now?" Jacen asked, clearly hopeful that he'd had the effect he was aiming for.

"At this moment, no… but always in motion the future is."

"And when courage strikes and you finally do come up with something she might want to hear, how are you going to get her to listen?"

"Well, this might sound a little crazy, but maybe I'll fly up to the Venture, dock in a hangar bay, walk over to her room, and knock on her door."

"You mean… not go through vacuum first?" Jacen asked, mock confusion filling his voice.

"Think it will work?"

"Well, it certainly has the element of surprise."

"She'll never see it coming," Kyp smiled.

Jacen looked thoughtful for a moment, and Kyp could tell his friend had a final thought to share. "You know, Valin's right, you've been having an intimate relationship with her for years, you just never thought about it in those terms."

Kyp met Jacen's gaze, watched his face intently, and finally nodded, accepting the truth of what the other man was saying, and felt the need to move on to another topic. "Yeah. So, you think Jag and Jaina have finally realized they're over each other?"

Jacen's face lit up, clearly as happy as Kyp to focus on someone else. "Amazingly, it's finally beginning to look that way."

"Good, now that the way is clear, we can get to work on making Dex as happy as we are."

Jacen leaned forward. "Actually… Cem and I have an idea…"

Next time on Fear and Love...

Noya Parck, meet Jaina Solo….

And

Jacen tells Tahiri how he really feels…