Previously on The Tangled Webs of Galactic Deceivers...

Jag had managed to avoid introducing Noya to Jaina...

and

Jacen was feeling brave…

Season 4
Episode 4

Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
You love me no longer, I know and
Maybe there is nothing that I can do
To make you do

Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
That I ought to stick to another man
A man that surely deserves me
But I think you do

So I cry, and I pray and I beg
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me

Lately I have desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wonder
What I could have done in another way
To make you stay

Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
As long as you don't go

So I cry, and I pray and I beg for you to
Love me, love me, say that you love me
Leave me, leave me, just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lovefool/The Cardigans

Offices of the Chiss Ambassador to the GFFA
Senate City, Coruscant
40 ABY
Almost Eleven Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War

Noya cut the transmission to Jag's personal comm and stood up from the desk in his office, wondering what he could be up to that he hadn't answered any of the six messages she'd left. His Chiss office assistant had thought that he might have been heading out to join Jacen Solo after his meetings finished, but it was evening now, there was no way they were still at lunch, and Jacen wasn't answering his comm either. Jag's security guards were under the impression that he had planned to work out after work and since sparring was his favorite form of exercise, they suspected he was down in the building's athletic facility which had rooms lined with padding specifically for such activities. Figuring that the security team was right and that both Jag and Jacen's neglect to answer their commlinks must mean they were sparring together, Noya dismissed her own security officer and headed off to see if she could find them.

She'd missed Jag terribly on this trip to Csilla, so much in fact that with the wedding plans nearly finished and both of their mothers well informed of what Noya liked and wanted, she felt confident leaving the remainder of the arrangements in their hands so she could get back a few days early and surprise Jagged. Of course she had assumed that finding him would be easy; maybe it was only when she was on Coruscant that he checked his comm messages every hour. That would make sense, he knew that she had no friends here and very little social life outside of their senate obligations so he had probably made it a point to dote on her and see that she was entertained when she was on planet. Maybe he worked and played extra hard when she was gone to compensate for how attentive he was when she was home. The thought warmed her heart and she made a mental note to make sure that he felt her appreciation for his thoughtfulness when she managed to find him.

Exiting the building lift on the fifteenth subterranean floor, Noya made her way to the back of the area. Since Jag usually used the same room, she was confident she'd find him there, and in fact relished the idea of watching him. She loved the way he moved, so gracefully, so confident in his abilities, even when facing off against his Jedi friends.

It sometimes unnerved her to be around them, and she even wondered if the Jedi she knew were being wholly honest in their assertions that they couldn't actually read her mind, rather they could only pick up on emotions that were prominent. Tahiri had known this bothered her and had been very sweet; teaching her a little bit about 'shielding' so that she would feel more at ease. Noya had appreciated it immensely, given that even after Jag was eventually assigned to live somewhere other than Coruscant she'd still spend time with other Force-sensitives: Tahiri, Cem's Jedi-trained wife, their Force-sensitive children, which reminded her; she really needed to make sure the new baby's gift had been sent to Hapes. It was important to Noya that she make a good impression, and buying gifts for Hapan royalty was nerve-wracking. What does one give a child being born into that kind of wealth? She had been thrilled to realize that Syal hadn't sent any Chiss-designed cloths or toys to Hapes when Talitha was born, so even though the new little prince would lack nothing Noya was pleased to know that the modest tokens she had selected for him would be unique amongst the things he had.

Approaching the observation window, Noya saw a body fly through the air and she smiled, but her humor faded when she got close enough to see that it hadn't been Jacen that had propelled Jag across the room. Her stomach sank as her eyes caught sight of a woman standing hunched over, hands planted on knees, laughing at Jag as she watched him roll over and jump back to his feet with a broad grin on his face. In a moment of crystal clarity that froze her blood Noya knew that the woman in front of her was Jaina Solo and that she was a threat. Every other thought or observation was filtered through that concept and colored accordingly.

The way they touched each other bothered Noya. They weren't behaving inappropriately really, they weren't touching each other in a way that was terribly different from how Jacen and Jag touched each other when they were sparring, but there was a sense of familiarity that spoke of a shared history. Was she imagining the comfort she saw between them? Was his demeanor really different from the grimaces and hard stares that Valin and he usually wore when facing off? Of course it was; Jag and this petite brunette were smiling broadly, teasing each other every time they prepared to attack. Noya watched as time and again they leapt at each other, grabbed onto each other's bodies, and threw each other to the ground. A couple of times Jaina used moves that had to have been Force enhanced, Noya was sure she'd seen Kyp do similar things. She tried to bite back her jealousy, tried to understand that as fellow pilots that had flown together during the war Jag and Jaina shared a past that Noya could not fully appreciate and that the fact that Jag was with her, was sparring with her, was nothing to feel threatened by. If Jag had wanted to be with Jaina, he wouldn't have come home to Csilla. And besides, Jag would have told Noya if he had ever been interested in Jacen's sister, wouldn't he?

She stood at the window for some time, first trying to pinpoint what, if anything, about Jag and Jaina rolling around on the mats together was cause for concern, tried to figure out if she was overreacting or if she had somehow missed the fact that there had been, or was still, something romantic between them. She watched the man she was weeks away from marrying run at the other woman and bring an arm around her waist, then pin one of her arms with his free hand and pull her to the floor as she tried to turn away. Noya didn't know a lot about hand to hand combat, but it seemed to her that Jaina hadn't tried very hard to break Jag's hold, she did however seem to exert considerable effort to roll herself over, to cover his torso with hers, and then invert her hands in order to easily pin his to the floor on either side of his head. They both laughed again, breathing heavily, but neither moved, just stayed there, Jag on his back, Jaina straddling him. The fact that he had still not noticed his fiancée standing at the window, or her approach when she walked into the room, brought her blood to a boil.

"I hope I'm not intruding."

Noya didn't even attempt to keep the ice out of her voice, and was rewarded for her interruption with a startled look from Jag that she immediately equated to that of a child getting caught with his hand in the sweet bin. Watching him try to stand with his sparring partner still on top of him, practically throwing Jaina to the ground as he jumped to his feet, did nothing to discredit the guilty look he wore. She only watched him for a moment, and then turned her gaze back to his partner.

Partner.

Wingmate… a fellow warrior, both things that Noya was not. Her chest tightened, but she choked down her fear and tried to be strong, to not show how vulnerable she was feeling.

"I don't believe it. After all these months, after the number of times we've been in the same place and never met… am I finally lucky enough to rate an introduction to the Jaina Solo? That is who you are, is it not?"

Jaina approached her tentatively, which served no purpose but to make Noya feel mocked and increased her anger exponentially. How could she, a woman trained from birth to do nothing more significant than breed and play hostess, possibly inspire that kind of reaction from a Jedi war hero? The answer was; she couldn't.

"Yes," Jaina finally said, offering her hand to Noya, "I am Jaina Solo. It's a pleasure to finally meet you as well; I've heard a lot of wonderful things."

"Really? Then you have me at a disadvantage, I've heard almost nothing about you, at least not from Jagged. And nothing anyone else said would have led me to believe that you were even remotely attractive, let alone beautiful, and if there is only one topic I'm well versed on, it is whether a woman can be made presentable. I have no doubt that in the right clothes and with a little care, you are quite stunning." Turning to acknowledge her fiancé, Noya continued, "Honestly, Jagged, even you couldn't have failed to notice what an attractive woman your friend Jaina is."

When neither Jag nor Jaina responded and the silence was threatening to crush Noya, she looked back at Jaina and continued, "Of course, in all fairness, I guess I made a lot of assumptions about you and your… importance in Jag's life, and he just never bothered to correct me. It's probably not his fault that my mental image was of a squat, lightsaber wielding, space jockey who secretly wished she was a man and always wore flight suits. And in most of the holos I saw of you, you had a helmet on. I must admit, I was confounded by the whole 'goddess' thing; but I assumed that since the Vong were such an unattractive race themselves you were their type." Noya looked back to Jag and finished with, "now I see how very wrong I was, in several respects."

Jag still didn't comment, just hung his head, a decidedly uncharacteristic stance that fed the fear growing in Noya's gut. She stared at his black hair, resisted the desire to reach out and run her fingers through it, willed him to lift his chin and look her in the eye, to do something to alleviate this sickening dread that was swallowing her, but when he finally met her gaze she saw something in his eyes she never imagined him capable of feeling; shame. He was ashamed of getting caught.

She continued to hold Jag's gaze, but when she spoke again it wasn't to him. "So, Miss Solo, please tell me; how long were you two a couple?"

Jag closed his eyes and dropped his head again, as Jaina stammered out, "Ah… we… uhm."

"Seven years." His voice was so quiet that Noya almost thought she imagined the words, but then briefly wondered if it was just wishful thinking because she didn't want to believe that he had been in a seven year relationship that he hadn't told her about. She felt her lips part, the shock of the revelation nearly taking her breath away.

Clearing his throat and continuing, Jag explained, "We dated for seven years. During the war we flew together whenever we could. I volunteered for missions so I could spend time with her. When the fighting ended we spent more time apart than together because of work. The separations eventually took their toll on our relationship. Jaina was never in the same system for more than a few weeks and even that was rare. When I was offered the position in the office of the head syndic of the Csapla family we hadn't seen or spoken to each other in several months and I assumed the relationship was over, so I went back to Csilla. That was four years ago. We didn't see each other again until you and I arrived here for the beginning of the senate term."

…assumed that the relationship was over…

Noya stood rooted to the floor, struggling to comprehend and accept what Jag was really saying, trying to ignore the pain and humiliation of finding out that the man she loved had hidden such an important part of his life from her and the fact that he must have done so because his feelings were unresolved. Not only him, but everyone they knew had hidden it, meaning that either the relationship was so inconsequential that no one thought to mention it, or that it was so consequential everyone knew not to mention it. It took less than a heartbeat for her to decide which case was correct and realize that her life, the life she was embarking on with this man was a lie, most likely everything he had ever said to her, or claimed to feel was a lie, and if not an out and out lie, than at the very least tainted by this omission. And yet here she was, fighting the urge to beg him not to leave her.

Realizing that both Jag and Jaina were again staring, obviously waiting for her to respond in some way, she shook her head minutely to clear away the surreal sensation of drowning. As she did Tahiri's words about Jedi being able to feel prominent emotions came back to her and the pain she was feeling grew. She had never felt more exposed, and this was happening to her in front of Jaina Solo, the very woman whose existence was the cause of her anguish. Noya needed to get as far away from this woman as possible.

Feeling her head nod slightly, she swallowed and said, "Excuse me," hoping that her voice wasn't really the pathetic whisper it sounded like to her own ears, and then turned and walked away.

Jacen Solo's Apartment, Senate City, Coruscant

Jacen felt the bed dip as Tahiri slipped back under the covers beside him and then slid a hand up his chest and lay her head on his shoulder. She didn't say anything, just ran her hand back and forth over his skin. She was testing, trying to get a hint as to how he was feeling, how angry he was, whether or not he had calmed down in the time she had spent in the other room. He felt her hand finally still on his. She was waiting for him to thread their fingers together, give her some sign that she was forgiven for this latest transgression, but Jacen wasn't feeling particularly forgiving. Leaping out of their bed in order to answer a comm call from Wilhuff Tarkin III might be the most egregious transgression she had committed in a very long line of them.

He remained still, trying to harness the anger that he was sure radiated off of him, and then got angry at himself for trying to hide it. He knew why she was looking for this reassurance and he couldn't really blame her; he'd spent years conditioning her expectations and reinforcing her behavior by demonstrating that whenever she inflicted pain on him, if she was sweet and cuddly afterwards, and looked at him with those huge sad eyes, he'd melt into a forgiving puddle of mush ripe for further emotional manipulation. He willed himself to not give in this time, to not look at her. He had really wanted this evening to be different, he wanted to discuss their relationship and why they were carrying on a secret affair instead of openly being together. He had known that this would be difficult, but lying alone in the dark, trying to swallow his hurt was not how he'd pictured it going.

He took a breath and thought back to his conversation with Kyp and the realizations it had inspired. He knew his friend had major psychological hang-ups and that his relationship with Jysella was complicated for a whole lot of reasons, but he'd never equated the issues between them with his own issues with Tahiri until this afternoon. True, Tahiri was more physically giving than Kyp was, but they were both denying the people who loved them the emotional validation they craved. Jacen knew that Kyp didn't feel worthy of Jysella's love and, consciously or not, feared that she would eventually catch on to what Kyp had believed from the start; that she deserved better than him. If Kyp were to give in to Jysella only to lose her if, or when, he disappointed her in any way, Jacen doubted his friend would ever recover from the pain. Of course, attributing Tahiri's often callous behavior to a fear of abandonment did nothing to explain the presence of Tarkin, unless of course she simply didn't fear being abandoned by Tarkin, but that was too much to assume, no matter how desperate he was.

"Jacen?"

"Hm."

"I'm sorry." Her voice was a husky whisper, though he wasn't sure if it was the lack of use in the last hour or emotion that was causing it.

Curiosity augmented his anger; she never said that she was sorry. Normally she tried to redeem herself with behavior she thought would please him, or at least take his mind off of whatever she had done to piss him off in the first place. Her apology made him think that maybe he'd get somewhere after all.

"What are you sorry for?"

She lifted her head off his shoulder and looked at him, "I know what I did made you angry."

He brushed a lock of hair away from her eye, and smoothed it back behind her ear. "You're very observant, Angel, you should think about becoming a Jedi."

She rolled her eyes, and finished. "I'm sorry I took the call and I'm sorry I got out of bed to talk to him. You were already tense when I got here and I know what I did didn't help."

Jacen's hand froze, and he squinted his eyes and watched her, not quite believing what he had just heard. Was she really trying to act like her conversation with Tarkin had only added to his foul mood instead of being the cause of it? Was she really that deluded? Well, arguing that point wouldn't get him anywhere near where he wanted to be, so he decided to ignore that aspect of her apology and focus on the fact that she actually gave him the in he was looking for. "I've had a lot on my mind today, and I wanted to talk to you about something."

She relaxed markedly and exhaled, relief clear in her manner, which confused Jacen until she finished her next sentence.

"You know Kyp or Zekk would probably have better advice for you than I would, since I'm not in the Order anymore."

Evidently she was that deluded.

He weighed his options for a second and decided to dive in… once again. "It's not a work problem, it's a personal problem."

"And Cemmie doesn't have any advice?"

"I haven't spoken about this with him."

"Maybe you should."

"The person I'm dealing with…"

"Jaina?"

He finally lost his patience, torn between anger at her for pretending this had to do with anyone but her and at himself for allowing her to get away with this kind of thing all the time.

"No, Tahiri, this isn't about Jaina or work, it's about you." He felt her tense and began to pull away from him, so he sat up and turned his bedside lamp on, not wanting there to be any way she could hide from this. "The family is going to Endor soon for a Victory Day celebration and I want you to go with me."

"I'm busy that day."

Jacen clenched his jaw, swallowed his annoyance at her dismissive tone and replied, "Change your schedule."

"I can't, and I've already discussed it with Leia, she said she understood."

"Well I'm not Leia and I don't understand. I want you to do this for me."

"Is this my punishment for answering that call?"

"No, I was going to bring this up anyway, your flagrant inconsideration just reminded me that I should be demanding instead of begging. The fact that you would see it as punishment is telling though."

She sighed deeply as she stared up at the ceiling. "Jacen, we've been over this before, why can't we enjoy our time alone without other people interfering?"

"And Tarkin wasn't interfering when he commed?"

"That's different."

"How is it different?"

"I don't feel like justifying our arrangement to anyone."

Jacen got out of bed and pulled on a pair of sleep pants. He ran his fingers through his hair, and paced around the room. Finally stopping in front of the window, he turned back to look at Tahiri, who'd gone to the dresser and was pulling out clothes and dressing as well.

"And just what is our arrangement?"

"I really don't want to do this right now." She breathed.

"That's unfortunate, because I do."

"Well your timing is great," she spat out. "You waited until I'd traveled for two days, done a show and then done you…"

"Maybe if you'd bothered to say hello before you took off your clothes you'd have known I wanted to talk."

Tahiri's mouth dropped open; shock and hurt evident on her face. It only lasted a few seconds, and then turned into rage. Jacen heard the windows vibrate and felt a slight wind that picked up power as her fists clenched and her eyes narrowed. He knew he was treading on dangerous ground, but his own hurt had finally gotten the better of him and he kept going.

"Nice to see there's more than one way I can get you worked up."

The wind gained power and the windows vibrated harder as her eyes narrowed further. She still hadn't said anything, only glowered fiercely. Jacen held her stare, waiting to see where her rage took her. He assumed that she'd either destroy the apartment or talk. At this point, he'd settle for either; any insight into her feelings would do. Unfortunately he got neither. Tahiri closed her eyes and took a deep breath - then the wind stopped. She calmly grabbed a shirt from her drawer and pulled it over her head as she walked out of the bedroom.

Jacen marched after her as she called her bag from where she'd dropped it earlier and headed for the door.

"That's it?" he yelled. "Sex, a Force temper tantrum, and you leave?" She didn't acknowledge him, just kept walking, but as she reached up to trigger the sensor, Jacen used the Force to activate the lock and bellowed, "Answer my question, Tahiri. What is our arrangement?"

She spun to face him, hands in tight fists at her sides, chest working almost convulsively, in what he knew was an attempt to reign in her temper, to not match his volume and begin to scream at him.

"The same as it's always been, Jacen; this is all I can give you. If you want more, then you're going to have to go somewhere else to find it."

"So if I ended this right now that'd be fine? You wouldn't care?"

"Of course I'd care." Tahiri cried out in exasperation, then she paused and reached up to rub her temples for a second. She dropped her hands and looked into his eyes as a tear slipped down her cheek. Her expression and voice were pleading as she said, "You know how much our time together means to me." He watched her swallow before continuing in a softer tone, "I would miss you…" She sucked in a breath and placed her hand on her chest. "...terribly. But I…" She paused again as she rubbed her chest, then continued, "I want you to be happy, and I don't want to stand in the way of you finding a woman who can give you everything you want… and deserve."

"What if I've already found her?" he asked gently.

The sadness in her eyes was crushing as she whispered, "You haven't."

"I disagree," he replied, finally letting the last of the anger he'd been feeling go. He walked over and placed his hands on her jaw and tilted her face so he could look into her eyes. He rubbed a thumb on her cheek and said, "I know what you told me when this started, but that was a long time ago and a lot has happened. I love you Tahiri, I'm in love with you. I have been all along and I don't believe that you don't love me exactly the same way."

He thought he saw a flash of pain cross her face before she dropped her eyes, so he relaxed his fingers, still holding her cheeks, but allowing her to look down. He leaned forward and kissed her head, then pulled back and waited for her to respond. When she finally lifted her gaze, the pain he thought he'd seen was gone.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to admit that you love me."

"I can't," she whispered.

"Why? What are you afraid of?" His frustration was mounting again, and he felt his shoulders sag as he waited for a reply, when none came, he asked again, "Please Angel, tell me you love me." She didn't answer, just shook her head. "Why can't you say it?"

Tahiri looked back up and said, "Because I don't."

Jacen dropped his hands, stunned, searching her eyes for the truth, baffled by her sudden lack of emotion. This couldn't be, and yet there was no indication that she was lying. Her eyes were glassy, but no more tears fell, and her voice had regained some strength and volume as she continued sadly.

"I don't love you, Jacen."

"You're lying."

"I'm not."

"You love me. I know you love me."

"Please Jace," she choked out, "don't do this."

The more she said, the longer she denied it, the more anger began to flood him again. "Do you love him? Is it because of Tarkin?"

"No."

"No? Why did you tell me that you couldn't have a relationship and then start one with him? Because you love him?"

"It's not about him. And I never meant to mislead you."

Mislead him?

He felt an emptiness he'd never experienced, and wondered how he could have misjudged this so completely. He had been so sure that fear had fueled her actions, that she was just scared, that Tarkin was a shield to hide from her true feelings because the reality of their love for each other was too much for her. Now he had no choice but to accept her words; he had never been more than a good time for her, and his heart was broken. He turned away then felt her hand on his arm, trying to draw him around to face her, and jerked out of her grasp.

"Jacen, I'm…"

"Don't!" He screamed, whirling back around, not caring how loud he was or how angry he sounded, and took a small amount of satisfaction at the look of fear on her face.

"I'm sor…"

"Don't you dare tell me you're sorry. You are a selfish, broken whore and I don't want to look at you. I don't want to see you again. Ever."

He grabbed her arm and, squeezing her bicep as hard as he could, dragged her back toward the door he had stopped her from going through such a short time ago.

He slammed a blast against the sensor and threw her through the opening, then closed the door, this time punching the sensor with his fist, shutting her out of the apartment.

Next time on Fear and Love...

Hold on to your hats… this night isn't over yet...