It has been some time, huh? I'm sorry for the delay in posting. If you happened to look at my profile page (which is still your number one source to get updates on all my stories), you probably already know that I was on vacation with my family and, more importantly, I had finals. That being said – please enjoy!
oOoOo
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Forget me not (because I will)
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oOoOo
(Is it really a "good bye" if we never see each other again?)
Sometimes, Adrien wished life had gone differently. Perhaps it was selfish, because here were a thousand pretty things most everyone would envy him for, but joy is harder to remember than joy and not all the riches and fame on earth could ever change that. Sometimes he simply wished his father cared – after a fencing tournament that hadn't been attended and a medal that had been locked away by Nathalie. Sometimes he wished that mother had never left, after yet another dinner spent alone or yet another happy family that passed his window.
Sometimes he wished he had never fled his prison. Hadn't helped Master Fu and would have never needed to face the countless Akuma Hawkmoth sent out in a week. He never told anyone of course, lest he'd be declared crazy by his friends and he...he didn't want to worry Ladybug anymore than she already was.
Yet this thought had always been there. On his first day of school, when Marinette had thought he had played that prank on her he had doubted his decision. When the class had taken so long to accept him he had wondered whether, perhaps, he should have never left. Whenever he doubted himself as Chat Noir, or doubted Ladybug's trust in him, he couldn't help but regret his decision. Maybe, if he hadn't been there that day, someone more capable would have been awarded the Miraculous.
The past few weeks had pulled all those feeling back to the surface once more. Every time he saw Marinette in school the question ran down his back like shivers. If he hadn't left his house that day he wouldn't know her and he wouldn't be her partner and he wouldn't have to live through the way she was...falling apart.
Hawkmoth had given up on akumatizing her, but none of their classmates were foolish enough to believe it was due to her improved mental state. It had gotten a bit a better at some point, it had, it really had! Marinette had smiled more often and had...life hadn't passed her by anymore but then...things gradually got worse. The only person outside her immediate friend group she still talked to was Kagami and Adrien tried his best to push down the sneaking suspicions that raised his hackles whenever they appeared at the front of his mind.
Surely, Marinette simply didn't want Kagami to be all alone. She was nice like that, always putting other people first, even when she was in such a bad place.
But other than Kagami? She talked to Alya and sometimes to Nino and rarely to him. Things had gotten better, now that he knew and had stopped his flirting. They grew closer, too! But still, there was this apprehension around each and every single one of their interactions.
Chat Noir fared no better. He rarely ever saw her outside of Akuma battles, if at all, their shared patrols being canceled too often for it to be a coincidence. The battles fought by him and a temporary hero too often not to be suspicious.
Every voice message of hers gutted him even before he had listened to it. Every text message send to their class group was a grim reminder of the reality they had found themselves in. And no matter what he did...it felt as if she kept pushing him away more and more as the weeks passed.
xxx
"Why has it been so long since we've last patrolled together?"
Carefully, Chat landed behind his partner on the rooftop overseeing the eleventh arrondissement. Perhaps a week ago, maybe longer, he might have tried to sneak up on and startle her, but those times were long gone. Not a day passed on which he didn't feel the heavy air surrounding his partner, tearing at her person like black, sticky tar, weighing her down. It made him reluctant to come close to her and desperate, for he did not know how to pull her out of the black mud either.
It had been weeks since he had last been able to breathe during their shared patrols, however far and in-between they had become. What had once been a welcome treat to sweeten his life had now soured, tainting each and every happy memory he had had of it so far.
Ladybug startled despite his words when he stepped closer. Where once he would have tried to brush up against her shoulder he know kept a constant distance of a good fifteen centimeters. He missed being able to feel her reassuring presence directly next to him, but her presence was hardly reassuring these days.
"Huh?"
Ladybug looked up at him, her face contorted to show a deep frown. Almost as if she had had a hard time hearing him. She slightly shook her head – and if Chat Noir had been Ladybug he knew she was desperately trying to shake off the sticky fog that clung to her mind ever since the realization she had had after training Kagami.
Kagami was ready.
Her final days was clawing their way closer.
"Yeah. It has been some time, huh?"
She tried herself at a fond smile, pulling her lips back, mechanically almost. Not enough to fool Chat, but enough to fool herself all the same – until her partner's eyes narrowed angrily, that was. Chat didn't often get mad. Hardly ever, all the more jarring it was to see his face contort.
"That wasn't my question", his almost hissed and Ladybug could hear the strained control in his voice:"I asked why it has been so long."
Chat could feel himself grow agitated, too, and for once he had no intentions to sit back and to just let it happen to him. He...he deserved an explanation! He deserved to know what was going on!
"It has happened too often to be a coincidence!"
He had reigned his frustration in for too long.
"You keep pushing me away and it's not...it's not fair!"
They...they were partners! Didn't...didn't that count for anything?
"We're equals! You always insisted that we're equals, even after everything that happened, so why are you keeping me out?! Why are you pretending as if nothing is going on, when clearly there is?! I'M NOT BLIND! I can see! So why...
"Chat, I-"
"NO!"
Ladybug flinched away and so did Chat, his eyes pressed painfully against his head.
"NO!"
And he stepped closer again, because he wouldn't let her...let her put distance between them even now!
"You don't get to do that! You don't get to do that! You don't get to...to..."
He should calm down. He knew he should calm down, but he didn't want to. Hawkmoth be damned, reputation be damned, he was allowed to be angry!
"You don't...you don't get to pretend that you can fix this with a few words! You can't! This isn't...you can't just expect me to accept yet another apology! I...I want an answer! I want…"
Too close, he was too close, it felt as if he was too close, but he couldn't step back just yet he still had to...had to...
"Where are you going Marinette? Why...why are you deserting me?"
Thick, hot tears started to spill from his eyes as he violently forced himself to step away, to let his lungs gasp for air because all of sudden, their closeness was too much and he couldn't stand her cursed proximity any longer. But none of that matter. Marinette simply stood there, transfixed by his sudden outburst, frozen to her spot at the railing.
Neither of them noticed. Ladybug was too preoccupied to stare at her partner in horror – at the words he hauled towards her, at the anger in his eyes and Chat Noir...Chat Noir was too distracted by finally being able to let go of his pain.
But unlike theirs, Hawkmoth's concentration rarely ever slipped. It had been days since the last Akuma and the moment Hawkmoth spotted the superhero in distress, he spotted his chance.
It wasn't until the butterfly had almost settled on Chat Noir's shoulder that Ladybug noticed and it was only when Ladybug's eyes widened and her mouth opened to form a silent scream that the insect pushed its dripping presence to the forefront of his mind.
Chat Noir didn't need to turn around to feel its slimy presence. Time stood still as the fluttering came closer and closer and he tried to calm his beating heart – to no avail. He had bottled up his feelings for too long, had pushed away this confrontation for one night too many. There was no holding back and the panic that crept up on him as he stood there, frozen in place, unable to move. He should...he should move. He should move, he should run, he should calm down, he...he could call for his cataclysm and he…!
The sound of whirring ripped him from his rigor. He flinched when he felt a string rapidly pass his ears and frozen again when he heard the whispered "Time to evilize".
Time might move on but some things would for always be ingrained in someone's memory.
Ladybug's yo yo fell to the floor again as the now white butterfly fluttered away. Ladybug's gaze followed the insects path and so did Chat Noir's and they...stayed like that. Stared and stared and stared even when it had long vanished from their sight, each fighting their own gloomy thoughts.
Ladybug was the first to speak up, her voice a hoarse whisper carried by a breeze too soft to fit the storm that was brewing.
"Don't ever get akumatized."
Her eyes...seemed even more dead and lifeless than they usually did.
"Don't...not because of me. It's not worth it, Chat. It's – promise me you will never get akumatized because of me?"
Her eyes began to fill with terror. And before he could respond, she had already swung away.
xxx
That had been two hours ago. Ladybug had left him standing there on his rooftop, foregoing their patrol. He had tried calling her but she hadn't picked up and while he could have hunted her down using his staff he...he didn't have the strength to do so.
He finished patrol by himself and then flung himself home, falling into bed even before his transformation had fully worn off, exhausted and angry and frustrated.
Why? Why wasn't she telling him anything, why was she acting as if his feelings didn't matter anymore? But even more than that...Was he being selfish, thinking like that?
He was. He probably was. Marinette had so much on her plate already, she had to live each day, terrified what Hawkmoth might do now that he knew her identity. But...didn't he have a right to feel the way he did as well?
"You almost got akumatized!", his inner voice chided him:"Imagine if that butterfly had gone through. You could have destroyed everything! You would have made her fight you! For what reason?! Your own self pity?!"
he hated the voice for being right – he would have fought her. If Ladybug hadn't reacted, he'd been akumatized and would have been yet another problem to add to her ever-growing pile of problems.
Marinette deserved a partner better than that.
Curling into a ball on his bed, Adrien turned around to stare outside, wishing for something, anything, to make his bed feel smaller and...less lonely. He could feel Plagg settling next to him, trying to comfort his chosen, but it did little to calm his beating heart.
But didn't he deserve an answer? Why did it feel like their friendship was ever so slowly slipping away?
"Kid? Are you okay?"
"Picture perfect. Don't worry, Plagg."
Adrien's word did little to calm the Kwami who eventually decided to lay down right next to him, cuddling up to his charge in a desperate attempt to provide some warmth.
It wasn't often that Plagg showed just how much he cared. As a matter of fact, it was a first for the Kwami to purr and maybe, Adrien would have smiled at his Kwami's antics, if he had been conscious enough to notice.
It was a peaceful, albeit miserable moment – until it got rudely interrupted by hesitant knocking. At first, Adrien thought he was merely imagining the sound – but then, there it was again. At his window.
At his window…?
Exhausted, he sat up and turned to face the eastern wall – and froze moments after as he came face to face with an equally frozen Ladybug. Her hand was balled to a fist still and raised, having been caught in the motion of knocking a third time.
Moments passed in which neither did anything – Ladybug's fist stayed in the air and Adrien couldn't rip his gaze away from her.
It was Plagg's hissed "Snap out of it!" that got him to move. Getting to his feet, he stumbled over to the window row. He'd have to open them. He'd have to talk to her. Hear her out. Ask what she was here for.
Any other time, Marinette's clumsy antics would have conjured a smile, but today she was the very last person he wanted to talk to. But he didn't want her to leave her either.
A long time ago, Adrien had thought revealing their identities would only ever make things easier, yet now that he knew her identity, everything had become oh so much more jumbled.
"Mari – Ladybug? What are you doing here? It's late."
Perhaps he sounded more sour than he had wanted to, but he was too tired to keep his usual immaculate grip on his feelings. He was mad at her and he was too exhausted to properly mask it. Yet, when Marinette immediately flinched back as if burned, it felt like a stab to the heart.
"L-Late? I – I guess...I...were you trying to sleep? I'm – I'm sorry!", she stuttered, already backing away:"I just...I saw light and I know this is your room and then I thought that...that maybe you were still awake and maybe we can talk, because we're friends but I can leave! I can leave if you..."
"NO!", he interrupted her. Perhaps too intensely as his voice merely made her back away even more. Hastily, Adrien struggled to get up from his bad and stumbled towards her.
"No, no, you...don't worry. You...you're always welcome here, Marinette."
Finally, he had reached her at his window.
"I was just surprised, that is all, but...stay. Please stay."
Pleadingly, he looked up at her and while at first she looked unsure, she eventually nodded and lowered herself to sit on the windowsill, her legs dangling over the edge.
Adrien had loved doing that as a kid but when his parents had found out they had banned him from doing so any longer fearing he might fall off the edge.
Adrien was ashamed when he realized their words echoed through his mind, keeping him from sitting down next to her, even though they weren't here.
Sighing, he leaned onto the window sill, starring into the night sky just as she did. Neither of them spoke for a while – Adrien, because he didn't know what to say. He was mad at her and frustrated at her actions and Marinette, because she didn't know how to start.
Adrien was her friend. It shouldn't be this difficult. But Chat Noir was her partner and she...she didn't want to hurt him by sharing information about him he may not want anyone to know.
He had almost gotten akumatized today. They had had an argument and instead of facing his valid frustrations, she had run like a coward the moment she had gotten the chance.
Was it selfish of her to come to the conclusion it didn't matter? She wouldn't remember her actions after all – she wouldn't remember her bad consciousness and Chat Noir...who knew whether he'd ever want to speak to her again once she had given up the guardianship.
It was selfish. She was definitely being and she had been selfish a great many times these past few months, but it was so hard to care right now.
"Chat Noir and I had an argument."
Adrien felt bad for the surge of satisfaction that filled him at her words. Ladybug cared – Marinette cared enough about him to worry about their argument.
She cared.
After all this time, at the very least she still cared.
It took him a minute to realize Ladybug was expecting a reaction – he shrugged. He may feel sorry for her, because she looked absolutely miserable, but he was too angry still to care.
"Maybe you should apologize to him", he suggested, refusing to turn to face her. He half-expected her to spit half-baked excuses at him, but...he didn't get that. Instead, silence enveloped them, muting the world outside to leave them inside their own, tense bubble.
"I know", she whispered eventually:"I know I have to apologize."
Her words did little to pop that bubble. Quite the opposite. It almost felt as if the words that spilled from her lips took on a life on their own, forming another layer of thick smoke hiding them from any intrusion from the outside world.
"But it's...it's difficult. So incredibly difficult."
Her voice was trembling and Adrien knew for a fact, if he were to turn now he'd stare at a tear-stained face. The only thing from doing so was his own stubbornness. He – he wouldn't let her pull at his heartstrings like this.
He wouldn't.
He couldn't let her do that. She was pulling at his heartstrings enough as it was already.
"I don't...I don't know how to talk to him anymore and I don't want to call him either, because what if he's mad?"
She looked back up at him again, her eyes filled with terror and horror and once again Adrien felt terrible, because seeing those emotions meant she...she didn't like this either.
"What if he's mad and he doesn't want to talk to me now? I – I ignored all his calls for an hour, I can't just turn around now ad pretend like that didn't happen! What...what if he hates me already? I don't – I don't want him to hate me, I couldn't stand the thought of losing him like this, or any other way! I...I hate it whenever he sacrifices himself, but at least that can be reversed! What if...what if this can't?"
Adrien had rarely ever seen Ladybug – or Marinette for that matter – lose her calm like this. She had done so before, of course! Neither of her two sides shied away from their emotions, but for the most part, she always seemed so...composed. Put together.
All that was gone now at the mere thought of him leaving her (as if it wasn't going to be the other way around anyway).
"You really like him, don't you", Adrien chuckled humorlessly, to distract himself. Why was she telling Adrien-him this? Why...why felt it like she'd never tell that Chat Noir-him? Why had she built up this barrier she refused to take down now?
"I do."
Great. Nice admission, really – he simply was the wrong person to tell that.
Except Ladybug wasn't even done yet.
"Actually..."
Adrien glanced her and for the first time that evening, a genuine reaction had captured her features – a rosy blush. Adrien looked away again, blushing himself as his stomach fluttered in anticipation. Once again she gave him hope that should have long been dissolved after the many rejections he had received already.
"...I'm...I'm in love with him."
Adrien's breath hitched. Suddenly it didn't matter that he was on the wrong side of the mask.
"You're...you're in love with him?"
Marinette let out a dry chuckle.
"Strange, isn't it? After all the times he's confessed – in the most romantic of ways, too! – and I-I chose now to fall."
She smiled now, entirely unhappily, but a smile was a smile.
"It's funny, you know? You're the first person I've told and actually..."
She took a deep breath.
"...I, uh, kind, sorta, maybe had an, uh, tiny-teeny-ritzy-bitzy little, uh, well, crush on you?" Mothing najor of – Noting major! Nothing major of course, just, uh...a little crush. That is all."
Adrien's eyes lit up with mirth as he watched her flounder like that, shaking his head at her antics. A fond smile seized his lips and he turned to face the street once more.
He should be angry but the butterflies were going wild in his stomach – how long had he yearned for her to say that? G – and he...he allowed himself to be happy. For just a moment. He'd simply shove his anger and disappointment and frustration into a drawer for now.
It may be unhealthy and the fact that he knew how to do that was probably a worrying sign, but he didn't allow him to care.
Not rght now.
"Yeah...Just tiny-teeny-ritzy-bitzy little crush, huh?"
He shouldn't have said that. Slowly, inch by inch, Ladybug turned around to face him, surprise written into every single facet of her face.
"You knew?", she whispered incredulously, raising her eyebrows:"Nino always swore up and down you had no idea."
Adrien blushed at that. Well – he hadn't had a clue until she had told him herself.
He still wasn't sure how to react to that. Sweet, pretty Marinette had had a crush on him for two years and not once had he ever noticed. It made his heart fill with warmth and dread at the same time. Adrien hadn't been able to react to that piece of information until he had gotten home and lay in bed, where he had finally been able to process her confession.
Of course they had fallen for each other. They were the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculous. Yin and Yang. Destruction and Creation. Of course, they'd fall for each other and at the same time...they hadn't. If the situation had been any less serious he may have poked fun at it even, pointing out that they really should have gotten rid of these masks from the start, but as it stood, there was no space for that.
There was hardly any space for the regrets he carried with him. That he hadn't noticed sooner. That he hadn't asked her out. That he...that Marinette had never felt comfortable enough around him for her to confess,
"Yes, I-I knew."
He couldn't tell her why though. But he hadn't sneaked out for two years in a row without picking up a skill or two.
"Alya told me. After your identity got revealed! Pulled me aside some time and told me and..."
He trailed off and regret shone through his expression. What had she said? That it felt like he had only taken note of her after he had known she was the girl under the mask?
"...I swear, I wasn't flirting with you because you're Ladybug, I was...I was just trying to cheer you up. I tried to..."
Shyly, he scratched his neck.
"I was trying to emulate Chat Noir, I guess? To make you feel more comfortable?"
He blushed at that. He wasn't entirely lying – he had tried to be like his Chat Noir persona to make her feel more comfortable, but he hadn't channeled it as much as he had simply tried to...well, be who he was with the mask.
"Chat Noir, huh?", she asked and Adrien had a hard time to match the solemn expression hidden behind her mask to Marinette's bright disposition.
It shouldn't be difficult. He had seen her as both plenty of times, had seen her transform even. They weren't that different anyway. And yet – sometimes, it felt as if they were two entirely different people. He had never once imagined Marinette to be...sad at the prospect of having a crush. He had seen the way she had acted around Luka – even though he wasn't so sure anymore how much of a crush she used to have on him – and the way her lips refused to as much as quirk at the thought of whomever she loved...it felt wrong.
One more reason to despise Hawkmoth. He had robbed the world of the most beautiful thing it had ever blessed mankind with.
"You...must be delighted at that, huh? I mean...you're partners, you can blindly trust each other..."
They should be partners, they should be able to blindly trust each other.
"...I bet there isn't a single thing he doesn't know about you!"
He laughed, if only to hide his pain.
"You'd be a great couple, Marinette. I'm sure of it."
Adrien wasn't sure how he'd truly react if Ladybug were to ask him on a date now, but that wasn't because he didn't want her to be his girlfriend. It just...it seemed like the wrong time.
Not that it mattered, because Ladybug was furiously shaking her head.
"We can't. There are a thousand reasons why and this...it's for the best. It's...not like it matters anyway."
Adrien would later rationalize that it must have been a slip of the tongue, a piece of information he wasn't meant to have, but in that moment...he didn't think at all. His mind kept replaying her words like a bad song one listened to specifically because it made you cry.
But Marinette didn't know that he was Chat Noir and Marinette couldn't know that her words meant more to him than she may have let one and...
"What – What do you mean by that?"
She shook her head again.
"It doesn't matter. It's complicated and classified information and...you wouldn't understand."
Adrien bit his lip. But he did. He understood because...because he was Chat Noir. He had been there when Marinette received the guardianship. He knew what had happened to Master Fu.
But surely, it had to be something else? She-she had promised! She had promised she wouldn't give up her memory!
He wouldn't accept that – not just yet.
Consequentially, any good mood he had managed to scrap together tonight was gone in an instant. Any smiles he thought were appropriate previously felt garish and wrong and Adrien just...he wanted her gone.
"Why – why are you here?"
He finally found the courage to ask her.
"We – Marinette, we're friends but...I never felt as if we were close enough for, uh, this? Shouldn't you be telling this to Alya?"
He didn't like that he had to pose this question. This – Marinette was Ladybug. He was Chat Noir (even though she may not know that). There shouldn't be this gap between them in either of their forms. Not to mention he felt guilty listening to her as she poured her heart out in front of him. She was talking about Chat Noir to Chat Noir and she didn't know. It didn't seem fair to him.
Yet there wasn't a great deal he could do about that.
"As I've said. The lights were one and..."
At this she hesitated. Blushed a little bit, almost as if embarrassed.
"...for as much as I love Alya she can be...a bit intense sometimes. If I were to tell her I have a crush on Chat Noir she's sure to fangirl and...that's not what I need right now."
Adrien nodded in sympathy. He tried not to let the silent compliment – that he could offer her whatever comfort she needed right now, that even when he wasn't transformed she trusted him.
"No, I get that", he responded:"I just...it never thought we were this close. For you to disclose your crush to me, to...well to talk about this sort of stuff. I never thought we were close enough friends for that."
Marinette frowned.
"I always thought we were this close. Were...were we not?"
She turned to him for a second, before resuming her previous position and Adrien pondered her words for a moment, leaning on his hand as he gazed up to her, his adoring eyes going unnoticed by her.
Luckily. Marinette didn't need any more complications in her life.
"I – I always felt like you were closer to me than I was to you."
It was more impulsive of a response than he had wanted to give her – she deserved better than the mumble-jumble his mind so often formed, the in-cohesive mess that were his thoughts, especially when she was around. But for now, it was all he had to over her. He was fighting his own demons and fears. Ladybug could hardly expect of him to always be composed.
"I always felt as if I could tell you everything but...it never felt as if you felt that you could tell me everything. And...I don't know why. I'm glad you don't think that way! Don't get me wrong!"
He shot back, his eyes wide open now. He...he didn't want Ladybug feel as if she weren't welcome here!
"I just...it's nice you trust me like that. I guess that's really all I want to say."
Adrien smiled at her, but to his dismay, she didn't smile back, instead she stared at her hands – regretfully.
His shoulders lumped and he tried to swallow the painful throbbing in his throat. He looked away again, nervously flexing his fingers. Of course. They...they were friends, but she was here because it was convenient. They weren't that close.
He was foolish to think he could cheer her up when even Chat Noir couldn't.
"You should tell him", Adrien eventually said:"That you love him. Holding off on that has never done anyone any good."
Ladybug smiled a bitter smile, folding her hands behind her head as she stared up at the night sky. Adrien wished they could see the stars – maybe he could make some romantic declarations of sort, revealing his identity, if only to chase away the clouds, but...there were no stars. There was misery and a sneaking suspicion that refused to let go of him.
Marinette et out a dry laugh.
"Tell him? Are you crazy? What..."
She let out a sigh and once again, Adrien couldn't shake the feeling that there was more to this story. So much more she wasn't telling him.
"What good would that do? We're...I think we're both better off like this. I'll get over it. I got over you, after all!"
Her smile looked miserable and hurt and Adrien flinched. Right. He had inadvertently broken her heart. He wished she would have told him. To...for her own sake and maybe for his, too.
"You never know the answer you'll. I..I would have...I would have probably accepted if you had told me."
He wouldn't He wouldn't have given Marinette a chance, too blinded by Ladybug and he knew that. But if...if she confessed and he accepted, then maybe...maybe she'd reconsider.
Expectantly, Adrien looked at her and Ladybug hummed in return, her eyes closed as she pushed her face into the chilly night sky.
"You're right", she eventually whispered, eyes still closed. And for the first time, a smile spread over her face – a real, smile, fond and so warm it made his cheeks heat up and drove tears into his eyes.
"I – I should...for once, I should confess."
Carefully, she pressed a hand against her heart and Adrien started blushing a deeper red when he thought to have heard her heart rate speed up.
"Thank you Adrien."
Minutes passed, before she spoke up, but when she did, she tilted her head into his direction and he was pleased to see she was smiling still.
"Thank you for being there for me...I-I'm glad we're better friends now. And I'm sorry it took so long."
Her smile changed ever so slightly, from fondness to a half-grin and Adrien took his chance to stretch out his hands.
"On becoming better friends, now that this is out of the way."
He was beaming at her and before any knowing sadness could take hold of Marinette's eyes, she beamed back.
"On being better friends."
.O.
There weren't many things that brought Adrien happiness during the past few weeks, but his father's attendance at dinner had yet to fail him once. Excitedly, he smoothed his shirt out one last time and went over all the things he wanted to discuss with him, in his head.
There were too many to count.
There was the fencing tournament he wanted his father to attend, he wanted to share the progress he had made in his Chinese studies (his teacher wanted him to participate in the HSK Level 5 soon) and Miss Bustier had suggested he participate in a physics competition of sorts – if he won, he'd be invited to a series of lectures given at the university of Paris.
And those were only his major accomplishments.
It had been too long since they had truly talked.
Trying to shift into his Chat Noir persona, Adrien tried to exude as much confidence and easy-going nonchalance as he could, only to break out into sweat the moment he got close to the door leading to the dining hall.
He probably shouldn't be this nervous about eating dinner with his father and a reaction like this probably wasn't healthy either, but Adrien decided to do what he usually did when it came to such conclusions: stick a pin in it with a promise to think about it later, to then never come back to it.
Dinner was a quiet affair. Adrien was too nervous to start the conversation and Gabriel seemed to be content to let him stew in excitement for now. It wasn't until they were halfway through the main course that his father finally spoke up.
"Nathalie reported that Ladybug was spotted talking to you yesterday – at your balcony, no less. You failed to report this. I am most disappointed, especially as I most certainly did not allow any such meeting to occur."
A-allow? His father...Adrien frowned.
"I – we didn't...we didn't plan this?"
Adrien had a hard time swallowing the bitterness in his throat. This was what father wanted to speak about? That's why he had come to dinner?
"Ladybug simply happened to stop by my balcony and then we ended up talking...It wasn't on purpose! And I – I will do better next time!"
Adrien tried to smile, yet it broke the moment it met with his father steely gaze.
"You could have sent her away. She may be a...hero of sorts, but this is private property and anyone close to her will be endangered by a teenagers hero complex. So why didn't you?"
Something about the way his father spoke made Adrien shiver. Perhaps it was the nonchalance with which Gabriel proposed simply sending one of the heroes of Paris away – one of the heroes that risked her life for this very city on a nearly daily basis.
"She...needed help? I couldn't just sent her away like that! That'd be wrong."
"You could have done so – there's nothing wrong with making use of your right o privacy."
"But I didn't want to! I didn't want to send her away!"
Adrien hardly spoke up tho his father – this was a first and like all the other times, it managed to catch his father's attention.
Carefully, Gabriel put his cutlery down, regarding his son from steely eyes.
"I know that she is a celebrity, but you must mind your own station in this city – conversations like these can spill into hurtful rumors easily. And if you ever were to start dating..."
Adrien's fork clattered loudly as it fell from his grasp.
"I – no! No, I have no intention of..."
His father didn't seem to care, glaring at him coldly. For a second, Adrien stared at him, his mouth still open in silent protest, before he let his gaze drop to his plate once more. Frustrated, he pushed the food around on it and only stopped when he could feel his father's admonishing expression prickle on his skin.
"As I've said – if you were ever to date her, you must keep in mind that, taken her popularity in account, if a break-up were to occur most certainly all of Paris would turn against you. We cannot afford this. You are the face of the brand and we cannot afford your name to be blemished by anything. Do you understand?"
Yes. How could he possibly forget about such an important detail?
"I asked you a question, Adrien. I expect you to answer it."
For a second, Adrien continued to stare at his food – before he slowly nodded.
"I understand, father. But..."
But what? He...he wanted to date her. Perhaps not now, but his father wasn't wrong. Yet, he wasn't...he wasn't right either.
"It really isn't anything like that", Adrien eventually added, still not daring to look up. Though, it almost felt as if...frustration? Anger? was building inside of him.
"Marinette is a classmate. A friend. A – a pretty close friend."
Because how could he not know? How had the entire city found out where she lived and which school and class she attended, yet his father...acted as if he had never heard of her before.
"A friend of yours?", Gabriel responded, his eyebrows raised in surprise and Adrien – Adrien almost couldn't control his temper anymore. Of course his father didn't know. Of course he wouldn't remember because – why would he?
It wasn't like he had known Marinette for years, had talked about her as often as any of his other friend. It wasn't as if she hadn't won – or at least gotten into the top five – of each and every design competition Gabriel had ever hosted.
This must be a joke. Surely...surely his father was joking?
He had to. He simply had to.
"She likes fashion design, doesn't she? Didn't she win a few of my design contests?"
His words sounded so...nonchalant, as if it wasn't a big deal. Hadn't he just pretended not to know her?
"You should invite her so we can discuss the details over dinner. Consider it a...thank you for all that she has done for Paris."
His father smiled and Adrien shuddered, almost unable to control his bitterness any longer.
"So heroes are okay, but my friends aren't?", he mumbled, too scared to speak up and unsurprisingly, a sharp correction immediately followed.
"Speak up, son. An Agreste shouldn't whisper or mumble, it is unfitting."
Of course. Uphold the Agreste name. Did...did his father's image matter that much? For years he hadn't allowed anyone – anyone – inside his prison and for as much as Adrien wanted Marinette to come – she was his best friend, albeit she didn't know, she was the love of his life and of course he wanted to spent time with her, if only to pathetically cling onto whatever hope he had left – he...he didn't want it to go like this.
This was the most his father had talked to him in weeks and then...it wasn't even about him. Not just that, this whole offer felt like nothing but a publicity stunt – one that incorporated one of his closest friends and used her misery.
No. he wouldn't let his father get his claws into her life as well.
"I don't think I will", Adrien responded, surprised at the conviction in his words. He had never been good at talking back to his father. More often than not he had agreed with whatever scheme his father had in mind, wordlessly taking whatever scraps of affection he got in return.
But this...this wasn't worth those scraps of affection.
"I don't think Marinette needs any more on her plate than she already has", he added hastily when he noticed the minuscule shift in his father's expression. Perhaps he shouldn't have said it, he hadn't meant to anger his father after all and...
"Very well."
His father pursed his lips. His eyes narrowed in disappointment and he shoved his chair back loudly, communicating his feelings better than words ever could.
"That was all. Have a nice evening, Adrien."
And he left.
.O.
Ladybug brought pastries to patrol. Pastries and a smile and immediately, Chat knew something was of.
"Is everything okay, Buginette?"
Chat liked to believe there was no one who knew Marinette quite like him. Better than Alya and perhaps even better than her own parents in some regards. He knew every single one of the smallest of habits and while Marinette had always been generous, she only ever brought pastries to patrol if there were leftovers – there weren't any, hadn't been ever since her identity had been revealed and everyone wanted to show their support by buying from her parents' business – or if something important had happened, something she needed to tell him immediately.
It made him smile – she was ready to talk to him! She was – she was finally ready to talk to him!
"Everything's fine."
She smiled – brightly enough for him to believe she might have pulled down a star to do that. Never once faltering in her conviction, she patted the basket she had brought.
"Come, kitty. I've brought your favorites!"
He frowned. His favorites? Usually she always brought what the bakery had left – maybe...was she...No, that'd be ridiculous. Unless..?
"...Why?"
His question seemed to catch Marinette off-guard. For the first time, her smile lost its intensity until nothing but a nervous twitch of her lips was left of it.
She averted her gaze – Chat had come to hate it whenever she did that.
"I wanted to apologize", she eventually admitted:"For my behavior lately and especially yesterday and – I wanted to make it up to you?"
She stretched the box filled with pastries towards him, the gesture clearly meant as a peace offering – it made bile rise in his throat as the bitterness threatened to overcome him.
Of course. Of course this was a – stupid apology he had never asked for, of course.
Chat hardly noticed the tears burning into his eyes, too preoccupied to swallow the lump in his throat.
"That's great."
His voice cracked – he sounded too unsure. He shouldn't sound unsure, he should sound confident – he shouldn't sound mad.
Marinette was going through a lot – he-he had to keep that in mind, even if it was becoming harder and harder not to lash out.
"But I told you: I don't want an apology. I want an answer, Marinette."
Pulling himself together, Chat smiled encouragingly and, hoped against all odds his words would finally convince her when she looked at him and her breath hitched, but…
She averted her eyes in shame again and Chat pressed his lips together. Of course not. He let out a bitter laugh before sitting down, dangling his legs into the alley down below. Of course his words, his pleading, his begging wouldn't be enough to convince her. When had it ever been enough?
Silence descended upon them – it happened too often lately, Chat Noir and Ladybug weren't supposed to not have anything to say to each other! – only interrupted by Ladybug's shuffling as she moved to sit besides him.
Frustrated, Chat bit into his pastry, ripping out shreds off it, reminding anyone who might have looked very much of a black panther, ready to rip apart anyone who stood in his way.
Was there nothing she had to say to him? In general? In – heck, about the way she had freaked out yesterday?
He wanted – needed answers to the thousands of questions swirling around his head,
"Why were you so scared of me getting akumatized?"
He knew Ladybug would lie to him the moment he noticed her eyes widened and then refused to meet his gaze, pretending to put away some of the paper laying around.
"Why? Well – I could never fight against you, of course!"
She gifted him with a dazzling smile that did little to impress him.
"Marinette..."
If anything, this was something he'd get her to tell him. Whatever had happened...She had to tell him. Regardless whether she curled up into a ball and hugged her knees, pathetically trying to hide from his gaze.
For all the lies she had told him – didn't he deserve at least a sliver of truth? She never told him about her crush on him – had outright lied to him and he remembered, because she told him she hardly liked him at all and it had kept him awake for hours at night as he wondered just what he had done to deserve her scorn. She'd never tell him about the crush she had on him – Chat-him that was. She'd avert his eyes and she'd bring him pastries and perhaps, she might smile ever so fondly at him, a hint of love in her eyes, usually cast over with the cold professionalism she was known for.
But she'd never tell him.
She hadn't told him about Master Fu, hadn't told him about the other heroes. She wouldn't tell him that she would lose her-
That she'd lose the guardianship.
He deserved this small bit of clarity, at the very least.
"Please", he pushed and Marinette hugged her legs even closer to her chest.
Chat hadn't meant to make her sad – he never meant to make her sad! – but with her stopping by and her confession and…
He was a teenager. He was allowed to make mistakes.
"Please. Tell me – just this once", he whispered and by the way she faltered, her chin pressing deeper in-between her knees, her lips curling into straight line.
"You were."
"Huh?"
"You were akumatized once."
If an Akuma were ever to freeze the blood in his veins, he'd be prepared. Slowly, his head turned, pastry in hand forgotten – she sat there. Knees pressed to her chest, her eyes filled with tears and haunted memories and-
"...What?"
If his father were here, he'd tell Adrien to speak up. To be a man.
Chat didn't feel like a grown-up right now.
"I was...when? Why – Why don't I remember, Marinette, tell me you're lying! I – I couldn't have been akumatized..."
Because that would mean he would have betrayed his lady and if there was one thing Chat was sworn to do then it was to never leave her side.
"...I would remember and how – how would that even have happened and..."
"It was an alternate timeline. Bunnyx came and got me and then…"
Marinette looked – she looked terrible, tears threatening to spill over and he hadn't meant-
"You – you don't have to..."
He hadn't – if he had known he'd never pressured her into…!
"...there was nothing."
Her voice was too high-pitched and too quiet and entirely too foreign.
"Marinette, I'm sorry, you don't have..."
"There was an endless ocean and the ruins of Paris and – everything was white. Half the moon was gone and...there was you. Chat Blanc. You wanted to be called Chat Blanc."
He didn't want this.
"You really don't..."
But she straightened her back.
"No."
Her voice sounded sharper all of sudden. She even went as far as to turn her head to him. Her face was too pale still, but her eyes looked...more alive, if anything.
"You deserve to know. I – I should have told you sooner, Chat – I'm sorry."
She tried to smile and almost didn't fail. They sat in silence, heaviness weighing them down until she ripped her gaze away again, staring at the busy street below. If one listened closely, one would be able to discern all the different lives that played out down there. Families on their way home after a long day filled with excitement, couples on their way out and friends walking the sideways, cheerful laughter accompanying them all the way.
"Your suit was white and your eyes – they were this terrible blue and you kept demanding my Miraculous, chasing me across the city."
It was his turn now to fill his eyes with tears.
"I – I saw myself there. Underwater, at the Eiffel tower, I was...a statue. A black, terrified statue and when I touched myself, it shattered and...I had been cataclysmed. I, Hawk Moth – everyone."
He had...he had destroyed the world? The entire world?
He had destroyed...her?
"What did you do?", he whispered, hardly able to process what she was saying.
"I purified the Akuma, went back in time and made sure that reality never happened, of course."
She was smiling now and her cheerfulness was entirely out of place but Chat would take what he could get.
"...Why didn't you tell me?"
Her smile stopped reaching her eyes.
"I guess...I was scared? Not of you, of course, but of what it would do to you to know that. And confused? You – Chat Blanc, I mean. He kept...he kept saying that it – it had been our love to do this to the world and I...I just didn't want to have to think about it too deeply."
Chat felt stupid for what he said next. She had...she had given him a piece of her heart and his only though was:"...Our love?"
Ladybug didn't seem to mind. She nodded, laughing now, as if trying to lighten the mood. Chat Noir didn't laugh along. How long ago had this happened? How...how long had she been burdened with this knowledge?
"Yeah."
Ladybug threw her head back and gave him another one of her smiles. But then, curiously, she glanced at him before her gaze shied away and she...blushed.
Realization hit him in that moment and Chat couldn't keep his own cheeks from heating up either.
"I...I guess that's why..."
She trailed off. Her eyes were glassy still and her cheeks were reddened, but hardly from the tears she had spilled. She looked at him, intensely – too intensely – and drew a breathe too deep to be normal.
It stole his breath, the way she looked at him.
Then she leaned in.
It took Chat far too long to realize what was happening – but when he did, he scrambled to his feet, stumbling over his own tail that was wildly lashing out behind him.
He stayed there, unwilling to believe what had just happened and Ladybug stared at him, frozen in place – before her eyes widened in understanding and she scrambled to her own as well.
"I – I'm so sorry, Chat, I didn't...I – I'm sorry for assuming, Chat, I shouldn't have tried to kiss you just like that, it just – you always seemed to have a crush on me."
He did.
"I do."
But there were more things at play here than just a simple crush or even the sudden realization that the girl sitting next to him was the love of his life. So many more, because for as much as Chat Noir wanted to kiss her, to grab her hand and never let go, he couldn't shake...he knew that…
"But it feels as if you're trying to kiss me goodbye. For good."
Because nothing else made sense.
"I don't want you to say goodbye, Marinette. I never want you to say goodbye ever."
Now it was Ladybug's turn to blink the tears away, but unlike him, she didn't even try to. She broke out in desperate sobs and pulled him closer.
"I don't want to say goodbye either", she sobbed into his shoulder and all he could was hold her close, trying to keep his own sight clear in case Hawkmoth would try again.
I do not feel bad for referencing a meme in this chapter. I hope you enjoyed and see you next time!