Previously on The Love Star Destroyer...
Oh Kyp….
Season 5
Episode 4
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I'll always love you
I'll always love you
'Cause I love you
Lovesong/Smith, Gallup, Thompson, O'Donnell, Williams, Tohurst
Restricted Access Area, Errant Venture
41 ABY
11 Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War
Kyp walked slowly down the hall toward Jysella's suite. Despite the shower he had taken, the scent of bacta was still wafting off his skin… but he wasn't sure if his mild nausea was because of that or what he was about to do.
He could have stayed under the hot water spray for a while longer to rid himself of the unpleasant odor, but he'd rushed through it, needing to get out of the med bay as soon as possible so he could find Jysella. He knew she was angry, knew he stood a better chance of getting her to listen if he gave her time to cool off, but he couldn't wait; he needed to see her.
Reaching her door he hesitated a moment, both afraid of what was awaiting him and resolved that this had to be done. He knocked and, after getting no answer, knocked again, louder. He reached out to her through the Force and got the same thing he had gotten from her the last two times he had tried to talk to her; a solid wall of pain.
An image of himself floating face down in a pool of water came from her. It was unwelcome but nothing compared to the dozens of mental images she had bombarded him with the last time he'd made this journey. All of those images had been different - but with the same theme; him leaving or being removed from her presence/sight/life.
He knocked again, and was met with more mental pictures.
First it was an image of him walking away from her door. When that failed to move him, she sent one of him getting into an X-wing and taking off. Then it was him throwing himself out an airlock, followed by him flying into some planet's primary.
He sighed deeply when she sent him an image of herself, sitting in a meditation pose facing Kyp, eyes closed in concentration... until he exploded before her.
It wasn't the sight of his own body spontaneously combusting that bothered him, it was the look of satisfaction on her face as bits of intestines and bone fragments splattered the wall in front of her.
"I'm not leaving this time, Jel. Thanks for the mental pictures though."
Another image came to him; this one of her swinging her lightsaber, the one she had turned over to Luke when she left the Order, with a two handed grip, straight at him, cleaving his head from his body.
"Nice, Jel, nice," he whispered before speaking to her through the door. "Anger is of the dark side Jysella, and I know you don't really want that. If you did you wouldn't be so upset about my going EV… four times in the last three months as you seem to like screaming."
He felt a sudden surge of emotion from her; fear, and realized that he had finally found an in.
"I didn't mean to scare you Jella, really."
She must have realized what she'd let slip, because he felt her clamp down again, trying to hide from him.
"Please, Jel, let me in."
A few more moments went by and he could feel her struggle to keep her emotions under control and her shields in place, but the wavering, and her fatigue, were obvious. He was just about to call out to her again when he heard the electronic lock on the door click. Kyp hit the sensor fast, not wanting to give her a chance to change her mind.
He stepped into the suite and was momentarily taken aback by the size and opulence of the space. He remembered Dex telling him that Booster had instructed him to give his granddaughter one of the old officer suites, but Kyp had no idea that it was this large or well appointed. He looked around the large room and finally his attention was drawn to the giant transparisteel viewpane that took up the whole wall, and the figure in front of it. She was sitting with her side to him, knees held tightly to her chest, leaning against the viewpane, body shaking.
His chest constricted, in what had months ago become a familiar feeling when Jysella was near. She seemed smaller than he'd ever seemed, and was radiating more hurt and grief than he had ever felt from her, even on that day long ago - so long ago - when she had broken down in front of him for the first time. He didn't know if what he was about to do was right, but he did know that what he had been doing wasn't.
Sitting down behind Jysella, Kyp put his legs on either side of her and wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on her head. He grabbed the hem of his shirt and pushed it into her hand and stroked her hair while he sent comfort to her through what was left of their Force bond, trying to wrap his mind around hers.
He felt her resistance, pushing against his probe, and then felt her collapse. She fell deeper into his chest and wrapped the arm not attached to the hand frantically rolling the fabric of his shirt around him. Then her mental and emotional shields crumbled and her sobs increased. Kyp's senses were flooded with her agony and his own eyes filled with tears. He hugged her closer and kissed the top of her head before speaking into her hair.
"I'm sorry Jel, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you so badly."
"You… can't… keep… doing this… to… me," She sobbed out brokenly.
"I know, my love… I know."
"It's too hard... to have to pretend... that it doesn't hurt so much… to think... you're dead or dying."
He held her until she began to calm down, then pulled back a little and tilted her head up. He wiped a tear from her cheek and kissed her forehead.
"It seems all I do anymore is make you cry. I don't want to make you cry, Jel. I really don't."
Her lips quivered as she said, "I know," before falling back into his chest and sobbing again.
Leaning into the wall, he got comfortable and pulled Jysella tighter against him and began to gently rub her back. Some time passed as Kyp looked out at the view and held her to his chest. Eventually her sobbing eased and her breathing evened out, and they just sat.
Stroking her hair again, he whispered, "Do you know what's beautiful about this moment?"
"That I'm no longer hyperventilating or soaking your shirt?"
He smiled and kissed the top of her head again before whispering, "No." He took a deep breath and dove head first into his destiny. "What's beautiful about this moment is; it's just you and me, facing a stunning view of the heavens… no one around for us to have to hide our feelings from."
He felt her slowly pull back and sit up to look at him, confusion coming off of her in the Force.
She was searching his eyes and then he felt her open herself to him, more than she had in almost a year. Her probe was questioning, not quite believing what she was hearing, afraid that she was misunderstanding what he was trying to say.
"And we should enjoy it while it lasts," he whispered.
Sadness instantly washed over her face, and tears began to fall from her eyes again; she hadn't gotten it.
She tried to turn away, tried to stand up, but he pulled her back down. When he was sure she wasn't going to bolt away he released one of her arms and stroked her hair again, moving a lock of it behind her ears.
"We've missed a lot of these moments already, and I know I'm the one to blame for that. I was scared… and a coward, just like you said."
Shame crossed her face and she looked down again. "You're not, and I'm so sorry. I should never have said that to you, I was just so angry and frustrated."
"I know, but you have nothing to apologize for. You were right." He ran his hands up to her arms as he leaned his forehead into hers. "I don't want to make you cry anymore… and I'm sorry this has been so hard."
"I didn't mean to make you leave." she whimpered. "I would have done whatever you wanted. I knew you didn't want to be with me. I just wanted you to know that I loved you. I didn't mean to make you want to leave me."
"Oh Jel… I know. And please understand I really was trying to do what I thought was best for you… because I love you… but…" He watched as her fingers found the hem of his shirt again, and began to roll the material around nervously. He was scaring her and she was working really hard to hold herself together until he finished what she was probably sure was yet another rejection from him. "But… if it was the right thing to do, why are we both so miserable? I love you Jel, so much, and I don't want to pretend anymore."
She looked up instantly; her shock clear. Though whether it was shock over his finally admitting what they both knew, or the fact that he was actually saying it, he wasn't sure.
"And this is hurting both of us too much," he continued. "I resisted it… us… because I thought it would be better for you in the long run, or at least that's what I told myself. But I was wrong. I have to ask though, one last time… are you sure this is what you want, Jel? Are you sure I'm what you want?"
He sucked in a deep breath when she reached her hand to his face and titled it up, forcing Kyp to look into her eyes. She was closer than she had ever been, so close he could see the flecks of gold and blue in her beautiful hazel eyes.
Her delicate fingers traced the curve of his jaw and then she brought her thumb up to his lower lip and he watched as her eyes followed her thumb's path. She finally looked back up to meet his eyes and he saw, and felt, not only her desire, but her assuredness.
He was leaning closer to her, could feel her leaning closer to him and his heart rate was faster than he had ever felt before. Was he ready for this? Was he sure?
"Yes," Jysella whispered, as she leaned further into him, "you are what I want."
He closed his eyes as he felt her lips on his, soft and gentle. His hands were shaking as he brought them up, found her head and let his fingers twine into her hair.
He was panting within seconds, wanting to both go slow - cherish this moment - and fighting the urge to throw her onto her back and claim her completely. Before he could decide which to act on, Jysella chose for him. She raised herself up onto her knees, leaned him back onto the floor, and had his shirt off before he had a chance to wonder how she could possibly have learned to do that.
"Jel..."
She moaned against his throat, acknowledging that he had spoken, but was busy kissing a path up his jaw.
"Wait, there's something we need to talk about first."
Her mouth was right next to his ear, her tongue tracing a line on the shell just before she said, "It's ok, I have to be on ovulation suppressants to fly."
Kyp froze. "Uhhh… ok, two things we need to talk about."
He sat up as much as he could with her on top of him, then gently pushed her to the floor next to him so he could rise the rest of the way. He could feel the panic building in her and quickly tried to stop where her thoughts were going.
"No, Jel, it's not what you think. I love you, and I do want to be with you. I stopped because…" He took hold of her hands. "Jysella, I want us to be together, and I don't want you, or anyone else, to misinterpret my intentions." He could see the confusion returning to her eyes and laughed slightly before finally saying; "I want to marry you."
Her mouth fell open and stayed there for a lot longer than Kyp would have imagined. Longer than he was comfortable with, though, he had to admit, the most uncomfortable thing was that she hadn't said 'yes'.
Instead her eyes narrowed and she scowled suspiciously. "What are you up to?"
He felt his own jaw drop as shock ripped through him, followed instantly by anger and indignation. "What the kriff?"
She pushed back from him, standing on her knees and said, "This isn't all some elaborate ploy to get me to quit Wraiths is it?"
Kyp fell back to the floor and closed his eyes. "Un-kriffing-believable…" He gripped his head between his hands and let out a moan, then a laugh. "You are unbelievable. I finally give in; I finally give you what you want and you accuse me of trying to trick you?"
"What I want? Was that all for me? You did all that for me? Not for yourself or for both of us?"
"Kriff. Kriff, kriff, kriff."
"Well what do you expect me to think? You want nothing to do with me, you send me away and won't talk to me or even admit that you love me, then you show up at my door and all of a sudden propose, and I'm not supposed to suspect that you're up to something?"
Kyp closed his eyes and counted backwards… in Vong… but it didn't help.
He got up and paced the room for a minute and tried to release the anger and frustration rising in him. Finally, when he thought he could control himself, he stopped in front of her, pulled her up to standing and embraced her. He kissed her head and then turned her and led her to the couch and sat her down on it while he took a seat on the table in front of her.
"Ok, I'm going to tell you everything that's happened between when I was picked up, then hauled off for yet another dip in bacta, and my arrival at your door. By the way, I appreciate you not coming down to the med center this time to hit me so hard I had to spend yet another day in a tank."
She gave him one of her best looks; mirthless scowl.
"You know I've been trying to talk to you for months. Every time I've come up you've either been out on a mission, flying, or refused to see me. And the reason I've been trying so hard to get you to listen is because I wanted to tell you that I've thought about everything you've said in the last two years about our relationship. I've also thought about everything Jacen has had to say about our relationship. And what Jaina and Dex have said. And what Valin has said." He watched her expression go from disdain to shock, then to fear… but he ignored it and plowed on. "I've thought about how much you love me, how what you really wanted was for me to know that I deserved love, that you respected me and thought I was a good man… that you only stayed in the Order to be near me. Then…" Kyp couldn't help the deep sigh that escaped him, and he squeezed his eyes shut long enough to get his emotions back under control before looking back up. "Then I thought about how much I love you, and how painful it's been to push you away, and then watch how much my pushing you away has hurt you. I sent you to Luke because you were wearing me down, and if I didn't get away from you I was going to give in, but you were still my apprentice and it was wrong."
He was silent for a minute and watched as tears once again began to stream down Jysella's face.
"Kriff, this is exactly what I didn't want to do."
She sniffed, and swiped at the tears. "Just finish what you have to say."
Jysella's voice was so devoid of emotion… the only thing that gutted him more was the fact that she had thrown her shields back up the second she thought he was playing her, but he ignored the pain of that and kept going.
"When I came out of bacta this morning Booster was standing there."
Jysella's head shot up and she paled at the mention of her grandfather's name.
"Yeah… that's exactly how I felt. I figured I was done for; Jedi Master or not. I was naked except for a towel around my waist and had no idea where my lightsaber was. Much to my surprise, he wasn't there to kill me."
"What do you mean?" Jysella's tone voiced the uncertainty she felt and Kyp smiled, pleased to hear that she was actually listening to what he was saying.
"He brought a sign with him that says 'Kyp Durron Memorial Bacta Tank'. Says he's going to make sure no one else but me uses it and that it's always clean and ready for me."
"So… he didn't ask about us."
"No… he didn't ask. He launched into a long speech about what an idiot I am if I don't recognize what an amazing woman his granddaughter is."
"He thinks I'm amazing?"
Kyp chuckled at her disbelief, then leaned in and kissed her on the mouth.
"Everyone who knows you… really knows you when you've allowed them to really see you, thinks you're amazing. Because you are an amazing woman Jel."
"And he's not angry about..." She waved her hand between them, clearly indicating that she meant them, but refraining from using the word 'us'.
"Well… angry at you for loving me? No. Angry at me for not getting my act together; yes."
She let out a sound that was half laugh and half sob.
Kyp slid off the table and onto the couch beside her and pulled her body closer. He sighed and leaned his cheek on her head.
"So... he doesn't... disapprove?" she finally asked as she looked up at him.
"No," he said, gently running his hand over her head. "In fact, he told me that life is too short to worry about what other people think of our relationship. He said that if we really do love each other; and with as miserable as we seem to make each other, it must be true love…"
Jysella snorted out a laugh at Booster's logic.
Kyp got serious again and twisted their bodies so they were facing each other and took her face in his hands again.
"He also said that love is a precious thing, and that when it's given it seems wrong to turn your back on it. Then he gave me your grandmother's marital band."
Jysella's mouth dropped open and she began to cry again.
"So, no; I'm not asking you to marry me because I want you to leave Wraiths, that's a separate issue and we can fight about it later. I'm asking you to marry me because Booster's right. But more importantly… because I'm in love with you.
"I don't want to spend another day away from you. I want to go to bed every night knowing that we have the rest of our lives to be together. I want to wake up every morning and have your beautiful face be the first thing that I see. And on the days that we have to be apart because of our duties, I want to have the comfort of knowing that it's our duties, and only our duties, that are keeping us apart, not other people's opinions or my fears.
"I love you Jysella; you are the single most important person in my life."
Jysella's tears began flowing faster as Kyp slipped off the couch and knelt in front of her.
"Will you please do me the honor of marrying me?"
Errant Venture
Later that morning
Once the tender moment of Kyp proposing, and Jysella accepting passed, and they'd made out for a while, Kyp seemed to realize that they had to make a choice between calming down or consummating their relationship… Much to Jysella's dismay, he'd argued for calming down. Resigned to the fact that the opportunity she'd fantasized about for ages wasn't going to happen at that moment, Jysella had suggested a diversion - filling their friends in on their new relationship status.
She'd only suggested this plan because she's realized - on some fundamental level - that while she trusted that Kyp was indeed sincere about loving her and wanting to marry her, he wasn't ready for that yet, and she'd pushed enough for one morning. Not wanting to press her luck she'd figured that gathering up the group would give both her and Kyp a chance to cool down.
Retrieving their comms, they'd placed calls to Booster, Jaina, Dex, Jacen, and Valin - though evidently Valin was sleeping across the room from Jacen, who'd answered his com first, and they'd all agreed to meet in Booster's quarters in half an hour.
As soon as she and Kyp walked through the door, holding hands, Jacen shot to his feet, hands in the air, yelling, 'Yes!'
That shocked Jysella, but not as much as the sight of Jaina, Valin, and Dex all reaching into their pockets as they rolled their eyes, holding cred notes out to Jacen.
He ignored them as he came forward, kissing Jysella on the cheek, then turning to Kyp, grabbing his face in his hands before kissing his forehead then stepping back and saying, "I knew you had in you man! Congratulations."
Kyp snorted, and said, "Thanks," as he shook his head.
Jysella tried really hard to put on an insulted face, but - for once - found it hard, and was barely able to hide her amusement as she asked, "You guys had wagers on us getting together?"
"Oh, Horny," Dex sighed, as though it was silly of her to not have seen this coming. "We've got multiple wagers going. Please...please… give us more, I could still clean up."
Jysella caught Jaina's annoyed expression and suppressed a chuckle. "And what else did you put wagers on?" she asked. "I might want in on this."
"You can't be in on a bet about your own life," Valin said. "C'mon. You know the rules."
"Fine," she said, tipping her head to her brother. Then she looked up at Kyp, "You want to tell them?"
Kyp smiled before kissing her forehead.
"That's mine," Dex whooped. Turning back to Jysella he said, "I said he'd kiss you within 10 minutes of entering the room," as everyone peeled off cred notes, passing them to Dex.
Kyp laughed that time, then turned to her and whispered, "Too bad we can't be in on bets about our own life. We could have made enough to buy a house."
"Don't underestimate Grandpa," she whispered back. "He'd probably still be the big winner."
"Hey, no conspiring," Jaina scolded. "You already have more knowledge than we do. Cough it up. You did not gather us here just to tell us you're capable of holding hands. What's going on?"
Booster snorted, then said to Jaina, "I'd have thought the daughter of Han Solo was better at subtlety."
"I got Jaina's dose," Jacen teased, pinching Jaina when she scowled. "But please," Jacen said, turning back to Kyp and Jysella. "Please tell us why you roused some of us from blissful sleep to meet. I'm dying of curiosity."
"Well…" Kyp said, looking at Jysella nervously. She squeezed his hand and nodded, encouraging him to tell them. He smiled back, then turned to the room, to look at their friends, to look at her brother, and finally her grandfather. "I've asked Jysella to marry…"
The rest of his words were drowned out by Jaina's shriek, Dex's gasp, Valin and Jacen's sharp intake of breath… and Booster's deep chuckle.
"And what was your response?" Booster finally asked.
"I said yes, of course." Jysella replied, as Jaina, Dex, Valin and Jacen turned, in unison, to hand all the creds in their hands to Booster.
Kyp turned to Jysella and said, "we just announced that we're engaged and the predominant reaction was for them to pay the winner of a bet. Don't you ever again try to tell me that all Corellians aren't gambling addicts."
Leave it to Corellians to go from shock and wager payments to planning a wedding in less than five minutes.
They'd recovered quickly, from the surprise, and cred counting, to hug and congratulate her and Kyp, leaving Jysella with such a deep sense of gratitude, and love for these people. She wasn't sure she'd ever felt so loved and supported in her life. Not only had Kyp proven that she mattered to him more than his fears and insecurities, but Jaina, Jacen, and Dex, had proven that they forgave her for her gruffness, and understood that there was more to her than the barriers she had put up to protect herself. And her brother and grandfather…
Booster comm'd his chef to have brunch brought in, both as a mini celebration of the announcement, and so they could begin discussing the wedding. She and Kyp had already decided that they wanted to do it as soon as possible, but it was when Jacen caught her gaze, looking at her intently, asking if she knew where her parents were, that the bantha in the corner of her mind lumbered into the room.
She felt Kyp squeeze her hand immediately, then say, "Whatever you want to do Jel... As long as you're happy."
Happy… Jysella thought.
Take the time to track down her parents, explain to them in person that she'd fallen in love with Kyp and that she was going to marry him… and dealing with their reaction… versus just doing it and dealing with her parents later…
What would make her happy?
It took her less then a second to answer that question; being with Kyp would make her happy.
Her parents were responsible for their own issues, she was an adult, and as much as she'd love her parents to be at her wedding she knew they weren't going to happily accept Kyp. Hell, she'd love for her parents to happily accept her, but that didn't seem to be anymore likely at this point.
Before she could say anything Valin spoke up.
"I think… maybe... if you two want to do this fast…" Valin trailed off, seeming unsure, but then he closed his eyes and shook his head, finally looking at Jysella with a seriousness that she knew she'd never seen on his face before.
"We don't owe them, Sel. If anything, they owe us, because they chose to bring us into this universe. And if - and that's a big if - I ever have children, I will make it my life's mission to make those children understand… truly feel... that I'm the lucky one. Just like I wish that Corran and Mirax felt lucky to have us. I'd consider it my duty to be there for those children I'll likely never have; I'd be the one that owes them. And even if I don't like something those children I'll never have say, I'd like to think that I'd listen, and value their feelings, because I will have been the one who chose to bring them into existence.
"This is your day. Your wedding should be about nothing but a celebration of the love you and Kyp have for each other, and… we both know that Corran... and probably Mirax… will not show up here and see this as an opportunity to celebrate their daughter's joy and happiness." He trailed off as his eyes closed. Then he shook his head. "Sorry. I know you didn't ask for my opinion…"
"But I want it," she said, focusing on him, her big brother, as she leaned forward. "I need it, Val. And I'm sorry I've been such a bitch that you think your opinion doesn't matter to me. Your opinion has always mattered. I'm sorry I didn't know how to make you see that."
Valin reached over the table to take her hand.
"It's okay. A little Jedi Master I know," Valin said, grinning as he tipped his head toward Jacen, "once gave me some insight into the underlying issues of difficult sisters…"
Valin was cut off when Jaina huffed and swung her arm into Jacen.
The whole table laughed as Jacen blocked her blow, levering her arm down and pulling her into his chest.
"Thirty-one years… and you still fail to get me," he smirked.
"What the kriff ever little brother." Jaina growled.
"Technically, and only because I kicked you out of the womb. And we're fraternal twins, which means… since male sperm swims faster… I was conceived first."
"It does not," Jaina shrieked as she jerked out of Jacen's grip, causing the rest of the table to laugh again.
Jacen grabbed her arm again and pulled her back into him, stroking her head as he shoved it deeper into his chest, saying, "Shhh… Quiet Jaya. Valin and Jysella were having a moment, and it's rude to interrupt. Valin, I believe you were in the middle of telling your sister how much you love her and that you will always have her back. No matter how annoying she can be."
"All sisters are annoying," Valin declared, "established."
Jysella slapped Valin's hand, but laughed when he smiled up at her. Then she grew serious when he did.
"My honest opinion," Valin told her, "get married; enjoy your day. And whether it's today, or tomorrow, or next year, do what makes you happy." Valin's gaze flicked to Kyp, then back to Jysella. "What makes you and Kyp happy. Deal with Corran and Mirax…" his eyes closed, and Jysella got the most profound glimpse into the pain that Valin felt over their parents distance that she'd ever seen. When he opened his eyes and looked back at her she reached for him… in the Force, the first time she could remember doing that in years. Since… the Maw?
She bit her lip and opened herself up more, reaching for Vallin, and knew he had felt her, understood what she was trying to do when the tears began to stream down his face.
He squeezed her hand again, and whispered, "We'll deal with Mom and Dad later. Together, I promise. I've got you."
Jysella felt first one tear, then a steady stream of them slide down her own cheeks, the emotions she was feeling so overwhelming. Then she whispered, "Who'll give me away?"
"I will," Booster declared. "Happily. I may not love everything Durron has ever done..."
"Oh, Force," Kyp sighed theatrically, as he dropped his head forward.
"But I've seen how far he's come. And after what you've put him through…"
"Thanks Booster," Kyp said dryly as the others laughed.
"Actually," Valin cut in, looking back at Jysella, "I'd like to give you away."
Jysella sucked in a breath, so moved by what Valin was saying, at his approval, his support, that she didn't know how to respond, didn't know how to tell him in words how much this meant to her, how much she loved and appreciated him.
She still hadn't found the words when he said, "I mean, I've been trying to give you away since the day you were born…"
The rest of what Valin was trying to say was drowned out by another explosion of laughter from the others at the table, but Jysella continued to look straight at her big brother, finally mouthing, 'I love you, Val'.
'I love you too, Sel,' he mouthed back.
The wedding was over, and even though it'd been small, it had been perfect.
The one person she'd really missed was Tahiri. Given the time constraint, getting a hold of Tahiri and getting her to the Venture wasn't a possibility. Jaina had stepped up though, showing Jysella once again why Kyp loved her so much. Clearly understanding how much Jysella missed Tahiri, she'd done her best to fill in for her. She'd taken Jysella shopping for a dress, helped her with her hair and makeup, served as her maid of honor, and taken hundreds of holos throughout the day; promising that she'd hold on to them so Jysella could share them with Tahiri later.
Valin had walked her down the 'aisle' and Booster had performed the ceremony, and she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to truly convey her gratitude to them.
The Wraiths and their support staff had also been there, none the slightest bit put out by the idea of keeping the wedding a secret until Kyp and Jysella could tell Corran and Mirax in person, and had added a very welcome boisterousness to the day - in typical Wraith fashion.
They'd had a beautiful celebration dinner after the ceremony, with Dex, Jaina, Jacen, and a couple of Wraiths, giving toasts, wishing them a long and happy life together. Valin and Booster had given toasts as well, both of which left her weeping.
Now, finally, she and Kyp had said goodnight to everyone, and were finally in her suite, their suite, but something was wrong. She sensed Kyp's desire, but also his hesitation, and she couldn't for the life of her figure out what was wrong now.
He'd professed his love, proposed, married her… all the reasons he had said he wanted to wait should have disappeared when she became his wife. Why was he still holding back?
Pulling away slightly, Jysella cupped his face in her hands and raised his chin til their eyes could meet. Kyp looked at her for a moment, then dropped his gaze, but not before she caught the fear in his eyes.
"Kyp… what is it?"
He was quiet, then sighed before lifting his eyes for a flash, then dropping them again.
She stroked his cheek, encouraging him to look at her. When he didn't she said, "please don't shut me out. Not now."
"I'm sorry, Jel," he whispered. "This is harder than I thought it was going to be."
She was so horribly confused. What was hard?
She reached out to him through their bond, probed into his emotions, felt his love for her, his happiness that they were here and together, and then, buried under that… shame.
"Kyp," she whispered, but he began speaking in a quiet voice.
"I've never been with anyone like this," he admitted quietly.
She stroked his face, understanding suddenly flooding her. "With someone you love?"
He nodded, and she thought she'd weep for the years he had spent so emotionally isolated.
She'd known when he was going off to meet women when she was younger, had known almost from the beginning that he didn't love any of them, that they were hardly more than bodies. She'd begun to suspect, as she'd gotten to really know him, that he would feel some sort of guilt for being with those women with no intention of ever having a relationship, and knew that those conflicting feelings had probably done damage to his psyche on some level.
She was relatively sure he had never been in love with anyone before her, knew for a fact that even if he had, it hadn't been anything like what he felt for her, and if all that were indeed true, then he had never had sex with a woman he really cared about. And all of that must have affected his behavior in bed. She'd long suspected that he'd been so cut off emotionally during those encounters that he probably didn't derive a ton of real pleasure from them, at least not toward the end, that it was done more out of a necessity for physical relief.
That need, and his continued drive to seek those encounters out probably became more difficult for him to process as he grew as a person; the more he recovered and found peace within himself. That had to translate to what they were facing now; had to impact his perspective on what sex with her would, or worse, should be like. He wouldn't want to associate his past experiences with his experience with her, but would have no other frame of reference.
Dex's words from months ago flashed in her mind; 'he sees you as pure'.
No wonder he was suddenly filled with terror, and this could take ages to straighten out if she pushed him too hard, too fast.
She kissed his lips gently, and leaned her forehead into his, then dropped her arms and interlaced the fingers of one of her hands with his and said, "Come," as she turned and started to pull him behind her.
He didn't budge, anxiety still radiating off of him.
She turned to face him again, raising her free hand up to his chin, using her crooked index finger to lift it, forcing him to look into her eyes. "Do you trust me, Kyp?"
He looked deep into her eyes, then nodded slowly as he whispered, "More than I've ever trusted anyone."
She stepped back, gently pulling on his hand again. She watched him swallow, and finally move his feet to follow her lead.
Jysella guided him into her room and to the side of her bed, pulled back the covers, then sat him down, and kneeled in front of him. She removed his belt, carefully laying it, lightsaber still attached, on the bedside table, then she knelt down and removed his boots, and finally, his shirt, before pushing his shoulders back gently until he was lying stiffly against the pillows. She slipped off her shoes, pulled out the clasp holding her hair up, and pulled the skirt of her dress high enough to allow her free movement of her legs and crawled onto the bed beside him. She lay down and then reached for him, guiding his head to her shoulder and wrapping him up in her arms, using the Force to draw the blankets up around them. She snuggled down a bit, coaxing Kyp to do the same, and then pulled him tighter against herself, and began to stroke his hair.
She reached out to him, again through their bond, wrapping his mind in all the love and respect she had for him. She gently leaned against the final mental barriers he always held tightly in place, even against her, and kissed his forehead, telling him in a whisper, "there is more to intimacy than sex."
She felt his body relax a tiny bit more into her's, felt his breathing ease, felt his breaths become longer, deeper. He tightened his arms around her, turning further into her, allowing himself to be enveloped by her body and mind.
"Are you afraid of losing control?"
He was still for a moment, then finally nodded his head into her neck.
"That's the point, my love, to lose control, with me, in me, for me. But that isn't possible if you don't feel safe." She pressed her lips to his forehead again, still stroking his hair. "This, having you in my arms, knowing that you've accepted how much I love you - is all I ever needed. Anything else is a bonus; a sweet, precious bonus. And it will come in time, when you're ready, and we'll take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."
Kyp sighed, or sobbed, into her shoulder as he turned further, hugging her, clinging to her.
"We've come so far, Kyp, so far from where we started, as people and as a couple. We need to remember that we're only human, and give ourselves time; be patient. We have our whole lives ahead of us. We don't need to experience every aspect of marriage tonight."
Kyp lifted his head, looking into her eyes; relief and gratitude clear in his expression. "I love you, Jel."
She stroked his head as she smiled at him, then whispered, "Thank you for showing me, and for letting me show you."
She tucked his head back into her neck and closed her eyes, feeling more whole and content than she ever had in her life.
Next time on Fear and Love….
Meanwhile... on Phelarion...