Hello Readers!
Freindly reminder - there is one more update after this - and then I am taking December off to focus on work, kids, holidays... and maybe, if I"m really lucky - start working on Season 7!
Previously on The Internal Conflicts of a Force-sensitive...
The war ended, Happy House was established...
But somehow, Jaina and Jag went off the rails…
Season 5
Episode 6
Interlude Part 1
Baby, you've been going so crazy
Lately, nothing seems to be going right
Solo, why do you have to get so low
You're so
You've been waiting in the sun too long
But if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Colder, crying on your shoulder
Hold her, and tell her everythings gonna be fine
Surely, you've been going to early
Hurry, 'cause no one's gonna be stopped
No, now, now, now, now if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Baby, there's something going on today
But I say nothing, nothing, nothing
Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
So, now, now, now, now, now if you sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Ah baby sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing
For the love you bring won't mean a thing
Unless you sing, sing, sing, sing
Sing/Francis Healy
Some Random Planet
35 ABY
4.5 Years After The Yuuzhan Vong War
Jacen was trying to get Jaina to talk, he really was, but as usual of late she didn't seem interested in opening up. It wasn't because of Valin's presence, Jacen knew that. Valin was currently holding court in a corner of the bar, seemingly oblivious to the Solo twins' awkward attempt at conversation.
He studied his sister as she held her barely-touched drink, pretending to study the other occupants of the bar while she continued to evade his attempts at small talk. It was almost like she was channeling Anakin.
"Valin's lucky you're as lenient as you are," she finally said, glancing at Jacen fleetingly before taking a sip from her drink. "I hardly imagine our masters allowing us to party on a mission the way you let him."
"Questioning my teaching tactics," Jacen asked with amusement.
"Yeah, actually I am."
"Different times, different circumstances… and we were what? Fourteen when Luke and Mara started taking us out on missions?"
"Fifteen," she said absently.
"Exactly. Valin's twenty-two, and just got back from a few days with his family. I've found it's best to let him burn off the energy that creates before we set out."
She turned to look at him and smiled, but it was a half-hearted smile. "So, there's a method to you madness?"
"Indeed. And technically, the mission doesn't start until tomorrow. Trust me, he'll be fine when we need him."
"Since I have no choice, I'll take your word for it."
"Have I ever disappointed you?" he asked as he lifted his ale to his mouth.
Something odd flashed across her face, and Jacen hesitated before the bottle had reached his lips and looked at her; tried again to get a sense of what was going on with her. She'd gotten even moodier than usual over the last several months, but for the life of him Jacen couldn't figure out what was going on. In fact, part of why he'd asked her to meet him and Valin early was so that he could try to figure it out.
Taking a long pull from his ale, and then swallowing and sighing, he finally asked, "So, how's Jag?"
Jaina looked back at him from whatever she'd been pretending to be focused on, raising an eyebrow. "You still haven't spoken to him?"
"No," he admitted. "I assumed you'd know that."
She shrugged then took a sip from her drink. "We haven't had much time together lately. He did say he'd left you a couple of messages though."
"A few months ago."
"So, how long are you going to hold this grudge?"
"I'm not holding a grudge."
"And refusing to speak to him isn't holding a grudge?"
"That's a little dramatic."
Jaina gave him a pointed look.
"I'm… I decided to wait until I wasn't quite so…"
"Angry?"
"Hurt and confused that neither he nor Cem told me where Tahiri was. If she doesn't want to talk to me, fine. But they knew I was concerned and feared for her wellbeing, and yet they said nothing."
Jaina sighed heavily. "If it makes you feel any better, he still hasn't told me why he took Tahiri to Csilla, or why she would have gone to him, of all people, when she needed someone. So you're not the only one who's confused."
"Yeah… but back to my question; how are you and Jag doing?"
"What do you mean?"
Now Jacen gave her a pointed look. When she dropped her eyes he asked, "When's the last time you guys saw each other?"
"We talk all the time."
"Talking and breathing the same air are two different things."
"Kriff," Jaina moaned. "You sound like him."
Ahh. First piece of the puzzle? "Having a hard time with the separations?"
"Him more than me. I mean, I knew what it would be like to try to have a relationship with our careers."
The fact that she'd admitted that surprised Jacen, but he tried to not let it show. If he wanted to keep her talking, or help her, he needed to seem neutral. Or, not always on Jag's side, as she'd accused him a few times in the past.
"Yes, you were very upfront about your priorities from the start. I was under the impression you two had worked that out though."
"Yeah… me too. Or…" she sighed again as she looked down. "I thought we had worked it out… but... things change."
Jacen leaned back in the booth, then lifted his legs and placed his boots on her lap under the table. Her immediate reaction was to give him a smirk, then use the Force to shove his legs, just as he was taking a drink, and unbalance him.
"How many times do I have to tell you to keep your damn feet off me?"
Jacen chuckled as he wiped the ale that had spilled out of his mouth, and out of the bottle, off his chin. "Clearly - if I haven't learned that lesson in twenty-five years I'm not going to."
"Dumbass," she said, then grinned at him before taking a drink, an actual healthy drink, from her glass.
"So…" Jacen pushed, "is your recently dour mood, and not seeing Jag, by any chance because of the Council appointment?"
He winced as Jaina went cold in the Force.
He'd known this was going to be an issue, and, just like every other bone-headed thing Luke had done in the past few years where the younger knights were concerned, Jacen had told Luke that he didn't think this was a good idea. But as usual, Luke had dismissed his concerns.
It wasn't that he didn't think Jag would make an excellent addition to the Council, in fact Jacen believed that Jag might actually make a huge difference; a difference Jacen could actually get behind. His misgivings about Jag's appointment stemmed from the fact that Jaina had worked so hard over the last several years to show the Council how serious she was about being a Jedi; that that truly mattered to her - and that the Council seemed oblivious to both that and what Jag's appointment to the Council could do to their relationship.
He'd known instantly that Jag's appointment would be an issue for Jaina because not only had the Council not even considered promoting her to Master, but then, when a position on the Council became available, they'd let Cal Omas dictate the replacement - and, always the politician, and harboring fantasies of his own of bringing the Chiss into the GA, Omas had insisted that they name Jag, the Chiss emissary to the GA, to the vacant Council seat instead of a Jedi.
Of course Jacen hadn't had a chance to speak to Jag about this - because he hadn't talked to him since he'd finally learned that it had been Jag who had picked Tahiri up the night she left Ossus and spirited her away to Csilla.
And then never mentioned it.
But he needed to focus on Jaina right now, not Tahiri, or the Fel Family. So he took in a breath and said, "You know Omas requested Jag's appointment for purely political reasons. The Council's agreement had nothing to do with you being worthy or ready…"
"Though clearly the Council doesn't feel I'm ready. For anything other than acting as one of their little killing machines." Jaina raised her glass in a mock toast and said, "Sword of the kriffing Jedi."
"Oh, c'mon," he said, trying to lighten the mood. "Luke's admitted that he has no idea why he said that or what it means. And when's the last time you actually had to kill anyone?"
Jaina rolled her eyes and Jacen chuckled before going on.
"The point I'm trying to make is that Jag being asked to join the Council has nothing to do with you or what you've done for the Order. It's not about them dismissing you; it's about the Council being in bed with Omas - as they have been since they connived to get him elected to Chief of State. They're doing Cal's bidding so the Order can keep its funding."
Jaina tipped her head from side to side, cracking her neck, then lifted her chin to the server approaching their table. When she'd caught the server's attention she pointed to the glasses on the table and mouthed, 'refills'. The server nodded then turned and headed back to the bar.
She finally looked back at Jacen and said, "Fine. You've been right all along about Luke being Omas's bitch. Congratulations for finally getting me to admit it. But even knowing that… it's not just about Luke's deal with the Sith…"
She trailed off, and Jacen thought he might finally make some headway, or that she might finally admit…
"I'll be honest, I was a little annoyed with you when you first came back."
Ahhhh… "A little?" Jacen finally asked gently.
"I'm trying to be honest here."
"I know. And I appreciate the honesty. But I already knew you were angry at me for taking a break after the war."
"Well… I stayed and kept working…"
"And I went on holiday."
"That's not…"
"That's how you made it seem."
"Kriff. I know…"
"No, Jaina. You don't. I mean yes, you watched my confrontation with Onimi - but…"
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry I was a bitch about you taking the time. I get that you needed it."
Jacen nodded, deciding that trying - again - to explain what that had done to him, why he'd needed the time away, wouldn't serve a purpose here, then took a drink, once again missing Tahiri. Because despite her words, Jaina did not get it, but Tahiri had gotten it. Tahiri was the one person who truly understood why he'd needed that time away.
"I appreciate you saying that," he finally said. "And I really appreciate you acknowledging that Luke is an even bigger political tool now than he was when he dragged his heels early in the war…"
"You're welcome."
"Don't be a bitch."
Jaina snorted.
"But, we were talking about you and Jag. And I really do want to know what's going on with you, because I know something is going on, but I can't help if you don't talk to me. So, please Jaina... talk to me."
"I guess I should be glad you aren't speaking to Jag right now. No fear you'll report back to him."
Jaina winced as soon as the words had left her mouth and her expression told Jacen that she regretted what she'd said so he resisted the urge to slap her upside the head. Instead he ignored her comment and looked up at the server as he approached and dropped off the fresh drinks, then smiled at him before turning to watch Jaina drain the last of her first drink then reach for the second.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I shouldn't have said that to you. I should be glad that my family loves Jag."
"We do, but you're my sister. My twin… little sister."
"Oh for kriff's sake.." she said, rolling her eyes, and Jacen laughed. "Don't start."
"You being little is undeniable. What isn't," Jacen said, growing serious and reaching across the table for her hand. "What isn't undeniable is my love for you. And I hope you know that I'm perfectly capable of being friends with Jag and still supporting you." Jaina's eyes began to water, and Jacen squeezed her fingers. "Hey, Jaina… talk to me."
"I…"
"What?"
She drained the rest of her drink, then reached for an ale bottle Valin had left on the table before he'd gotten up to mingle, and nearly drained that.
That stunned Jacen, almost as much as the turmoil suddenly coming off of Jaina.
She took a shaky breath, then whispered, "I thought I was pregnant a few months ago."
Jacen sat back in the booth, even more stunned.
Jaina rested her elbow on the table, dropping her head against her hand as she began to cry.
"Hey," Jacen finally soothed, sitting forward, grabbing her arms. "You know Jag would have been okay with that…"
"Exactly!" Jaina gasped, as she looked back up. "He would have been totally fine. But I…"
"Oh… Jaya…"
Jaina took a few gulping breaths, then swiped a finger under one eye, then the other.
"Yeah… he would have been fine. But I wouldn't have been. I'm not Syal Fel, Jacen. I don't want to go to some backwater planet and have a million babies that end up dying. I'm not his mother and I don't want kids at twenty-six."
"Hey, hey… you said you thought you were pregnant. But you weren't, right?"
Jaina shook her head as she wiped more tears from her face. Jacen gave her a minute to get herself back in control, then signalled the server for more drinks, before turning back to Jaina.
"So… you weren't pregnant, but the very idea terrified you?"
"Yeah."
"Why? And I'm not asking that in an accusatory way. I just want to understand what you're going through so I can help you."
"Thank you, Jace."
"Always. Always."
Jaina pulled herself together, and Jacen let her, giving her time. Finally, she began talking again.
"I've been traveling so much, I missed my suppression shot; only by a couple of days, but then I was... late. Tekli said it was likely because my body just needed to adjust. But then, it still didn't come… until a week later."
"Must have been a miserable week." Jacen said softly as he rubbed her hand.
"Yeah. Mostly because I'd never even considered it before. I mean, I knew - I've had enough biology training… Jag and I have sex. No matter how careful you are… it's a possiblily if you have sex. And on some level I knew that. But… I was always on suppression meds to fly. But then... suddenly it was a possibility, a real possibility…
"And because Jag is… Jag," she whispered. "I realized that this is what he ultimately wanted. And for days… all day, all night, I kept imagining the end of my life as I know it. Not because I don't like kids, but honestly, I've been so focused on… surviving the war, and then doing my job, building my career. I always thought… assumed… I'd be more like Aunt Mara than Mom. That I'd have kids later. Way later. If at all. And then I realized, Jag must want kids. Honestly - how could I not have thought of that before? And he probably would be happy. And the fact that we're only twenty-five and twenty-seven…"
"Wouldn't have mattered to him?"
Jaina shook her head sadly. "Am I a horrible person?" she asked in a small voice.
"Oh, honey…" Jacen scooted out of the booth, going to sit beside Jaina, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. "No Jaina, you are not a horrible person. You're just not ready. And there's nothing wrong with that. Kriff. I'm not ready either."
Jaina gasped through a sob. "Oh, please," she whined. "You were born ready to be a father. What else could explain your tendency to boss me and Anakin around, and being so pedantic? And your obsession with nurturing little creatures? Teaching… you've been parenting since we were born."
He kissed her head as he laughed, then said quietly. "I'd like to think that I'll be a decent father one day. But that would require me meeting a woman who can hold my attention for more than a few days."
"Slut," Jaina sobbed out as she leaned into him and Jacen laughed.
"I am not a slut," he finally defended. "I'm a beautiful specimen, who happens to attract a lot of women."
She giggled, and then sighed before whispering, "but at least we know you'll be a good father when you do meet a woman who holds your interest for more than a few days. I'm not so sure I'd ever be a good mother. To anything. I mean, I could build cages to contain them…"
Jacen chuckled at Jaina's reference to all the cages she'd helped him build when they were kids so he could maintain his menagerie and squeezed her.
They were quiet for a moment, then Jacen asked, "Are you sure Jag would have been okay with it? Or that he would have insisted on getting married?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… maybe he's not as ready as you think he is."
Jaina pulled out of his arms and looked at him, but Jacen cut her off before she could speak.
"No, he hasn't said anything to me. In fact - I actually try to avoid talking to him about you. I mean, we do talk about how you are, where you are. But I've very specifically never asked about anything too serious because I've never wanted to seem like I was taking sides if you two were having issues."
"Meaning that you know we've been having issues."
"I've suspected. Especially recently. But just so you know - even if Jag and I had been speaking over the last few months - as much as I love him, you are my sister. You will always come first. I've worked to not get between you because I wanted to assume that you two would do what you needed to do to work it out. Or not. And I never wanted you to feel like you couldn't talk to me because of my friendship with Jag. And I didn't want to be as… in your relationship as..."
Jaina snorted. "As in our relationship as Luke was with Mom and Dad?"
"Yeah. But… as long as we're being honest, that may also be because I'm not super impressed with the ways in which Luke inserts himself into certain situations and not into others."
"Thank you. Thank you for trying to not get in the middle. I do appreciate that you love Jag, and I appreciate your attempts to to make me not feel like you aren't taking sides." She sighed again, then said, "and I understand. I know you're still having issues with Luke."
Now Jacen snorted.
"Honestly," Jaina said, "over the last few months… especially with Jag being named to the Council… I'm beginning to feel more why you've been so frustrated."
"Yeah…"
"Can we talk about something else?"
"Depends on what you want to talk about," he said.
"Tahiri."
Jacen sighed heavily. "What's there to say?"
"You miss her," Jaina said softly.
He reached across the table for his drink as he said, "of course I miss her. She's one of my closests friends."
"No, she's your best friend, and has been for years. And you're hurt that she left and didn't tell you where she went or contact you."
He swallowed his ale, and his hurt and finally admitted, "alright."
"And you still haven't found out what happened that night?"
"No. I mean, I knew she was leaving. In fact, I was the only one who knew that she was going to resign, she didn't even tell Valin or Dex. But I was on a mission… when I comm'd to tell her I was on my way home… I assumed when she didn't answer that she'd been sent out. And even now, when I ask Luke about it, he goes still.
"I knew then that something was up the first time he did it… Then, I went back home, and comm'd her again... and realized I could hear it. Could hear her comm. For a second I got excited… or relieved. I thought that she'd gotten back, and maybe was just in the shower. And then… When I opened her door, that's when I realized that her stuff was gone… and Fiver was gone. Then I saw her comm bouncing on her dresser as mine kept buzzing in my hand."
"I'm sorry."
Jacen sighed deeply. "Yeah. So am I. I also wish that Luke would tell me what the kriff happened that night. I suspect that she went to tell him she wanted to go and they had a fight. It's the only reason I can figure that she'd go from the plan of resigning but staying at home to suddenly being gone and not telling anyone where she was going."
"And Luke hasn't said anything to Mom or Dad?"
"No, and they aren't any happier about that than I am. They've calmed considerably since she comm'd them though. And Mom and Dad comm'd me right after they spoke to her."
"Did she give them a message for you?"
"Yeah. She asked them to tell me that she misses me and will see me soon."
"That's something. What else did she say to Mom and Dad?"
"Apologized for letting them worry, went on about how difficult it is to get access to a comm system capable of transmitting to Known Space... Said she's fine and happy, and that Syal and Soontir have been amazing."
"That must have thrilled them."
"I may not have given them time to elaborate on their feelings about Soontir and Syal Fel being her saviours. I was too focused on how she was. And Mom and Dad offered her the use of the house on Corellia as a base."
"Even though they know she has a home with you on Ossus?" Jaina asked.
"We didn't get into that. I'm hoping the reason she took Mom and Dad up on the offer rather than coming home is because she wants to avoid Luke and not me."
"Maybe she assumes you gave her room away."
"No. Even if she hadn't transferred a year's worth of mortgage payments into my account before she left she has to know that I would never have given her room away without speaking to her about it." He sighed deeply, then said, "Anyway… Mom and Dad assured her that they forgave her for disappearing but she's not to do it again."
Jaina huffed.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Jaina…"
"It just seems like they're more forgiving of her than their own children."
"Okay, first off, they see her as one of their children. And second, what have they not forgiven us for?"
"I don't know…"
"Don't evade. Why are you bent out of shape about them helping Tahiri?"
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"You know I love her."
"I'd like to think so. Why else would you have risked yourself to help her through the melding?"
"Yeah… but… if I were to suddenly disappear like she did… would they be so forgiving?"
Jacen was absolutely dumbstruck that Jaina would be feeling sibling rivalry issues at this point in their lives. Especially where Tahiri was concerned. "Jaina… of course they would. They love us." Jaina started to speak, but Jacen cut her off. "Look, I may have issues with their parenting choices."
Jaina rolled her eyes.
"Oh c'mon. Trust me, I've spent plenty of time thinking about this, and I have no doubt that Mom and Dad love us…" He allowed his voice to trail off as he finally… finally understood. "But even though you know they love you, you still have conflicting emotions about the parenting choices they made."
Jaina leaned into him and let out a sob.
"Oh, Jaina…" he soothed, as he pulled her tighter against him. "Was the reason you were so freaked out about being pregnant? Because you're afraid you'd make the mistakes you think Mom and Dad made?"
"But were they mistakes?" she sobbed. "Were they?"
Jacen sighed as he held her close. Finally he said, "Different times… different circumstances. Do I wish Mom and Dad had made some other decisions? Yeah, I do. But that would necessi… necita… kriff. Why can't I say that word?"
Jaina began to giggle, then giggled some more.
Jacen lost the ability to even try to get the word out and joined her. Then they calmed and Jacen rubbed her arm. "As hard as it was to be left behind, to be left with Winter… or Chewie… we bear the burden of being born to great people with great destinies. If it weren't for Mom and Dad, and Uncle Luke, and all that they did, you and I wouldn't be here today, and I don't just mean that in the obvious sense. But the older I get, the more I see… as painful and confusing as our childhood was, I'm having an increasingly hard time blaming them for some of their choices."
"Mom's and Dad's anyway?" Jaina asked.
"Yeah. My issues with Luke are more about the here and now. And because…" he paused as he fought the thoughts that it was his conversations with Tahiri about Han and Leia's parenting that had prompted him to speak to them about it; to finally confront them with how hurt he'd been. And, if it hadn't been for Tahiri's encouragement, he wouldn't be as close to Han and Leia as he now was, because they'd talked about it and dealt with those issues.
It had also been that breakthrough that had enabled Jacen to make the breakthroughs with Valin that he had.
And just as that thought crossed his mind, Valin dropped into the booth opposite him and Jaina, languiding picking an ale bottle up off the table and saluting Jacen before downing it.
"You are, hands down, the bestest master in the universe," Valin said when he'd drained the bottle.
Jacen snorted, then Jaina sat up, pulling away from him.
"Note to self," Jaina said, and Jacen was floored by her sudden change of demeanor. "If I'm ever assigned an apprentice, the first task is to cover for him while he's chasing tail. Second is to make sure he has a fresh ale when he's done."
Valin gave Jaina an appraising look, and Jacen sighed.
Jaina thought she could shake off and escape the emotional conversation she and Jacen hadn't finished by engaging Valin.
Oh, how wrong she was.
"Actually," Valin said as he leaned forward and gave Jaina a charming smile. "The first thing you should do if the Council were ever to see you as fit for an apprentice…"
Jacen winced. While he appreciated how devoted Valin was to him, he also knew that Jaina had no idea what Jacen had gone through with Valin, or why they had the bond that they had.
"I'd suggest that you take the time to truly get to know that apprentice you may never get," Valin said. "And if you were to do that, as your brother did with me, then maybe you'd have half a chance of being the kind of positive influence on that apprentice that your brother has been on me." Valin leaned back in his seat as he grabbed another bottle off the table to drain it, then slammed it down, looking steadily at Jaina.
Jacen reached out to Valin through their bond, asking… forcefully… for him to back down.
Valin's gaze didn't shift, but he smiled at Jaina, then said, "But I have to assume that when you do get an apprentice of your own you will be every bit as awesome as your brother has been."
Jaina seemed to sense that Jacen had been instrumental in Valin giving her an out, and much to her credit, she took it.
"Well, I was just saying that Jacen is very gifted in the nurturing department. It's nice to hear how much you've appreciated his guidance."
Valin continued to stare at her for a moment… until Jacen nudged him again, assuring him that Jaina didn't mean to insult their relationship, then watched Valin smile.
"Jacen's the bestest master in the universe."
Jacen snorted at that. "If only that were true," he sighed.
Valin immediately turned his attention to him.
"It is," he said forcefully. "Master kriffing Horn may never acknowledge it, but you've been a more positive force in my life than he has. Wait…" Valin said theatrically, and Jacen shook his head, leaning back in the booth as Jaina snorted. "Maybe the reason Master Horn doesn't want to acknowledge your awesomeness is because I actually respect you, and not him?"
"Do you pay him by the compliment?" Jaina asked Jacen.
"He doesn't pay me," Valin said dismissively, "Cal Omas's government pays me."
"How do you feel about that?" Jaina asked, leaning forward and focusing on Valin.
Oh… here we go, Jacen thought, chuckling.
Jaina had found a way to evade any further talk of what was going on with her by inadvertently getting Valin to focus on his current favorite topic.
Jacen turned and looked for the server, and when he'd made eye contact, signaled for another round, times two, then settled in to listen to Jaina and Valin rant about the Council… and galactic events… and politics… and… X-wing specs… until they hit on the topic he was stunned had taken them this long to get to.
"Ok… dish for dish?" Valin asked. "Durron's a close friend of yours. Jysella's my sister. We're both Corellian… He's been training her for months… How long 'til one of them kills the other?"
Jacen watched in amazement as his sister shrieked with laughter, then leaned back in to begin gossiping with Valin. At least Jaina and Valin were talking. Maybe even bonding. Which was good, considering they were only hours away from starting a mission.
Thank the Force for healing trances… they had an early morning ahead of them.
Next time on Fear and Love…
Meanwhile… on the other side of the galaxy… at exactly the same time… Jag and Tahiri are talking too…