Kiss with Open Eyes
Chapter 12: Pull This Thread As I Walk Away
Disclaimer: You know it's not mine.
Summary: Stars Hollow was a lovely town, everything about it fascinated her. Especially the man in the backwards baseball cap, standing behind the counter at Luke's diner. She wasn't sure what it was exactly, but it was definitely something.
A/N: Hey guys, what's up?
She woke up the next morning to the sun brightening the room. She rubbed her eyes and lifted her head, which had been buried in a pile of pillows. She felt the weight of an arm around her, but it was much too early for her to even realize whose arm it was. When her vision was clear again, she looked around the room and realized where she was. The events of the night before all came back to her like P Diddy running her over in a Pepsi Truck.
She cringed and turned to look at the man sleeping beside her. She prayed that when she opened her eyes again, Christopher would be lying beside her and they'd be in Hartford. But, she opened them, and of course it was true. There was Luke. He looked quite adorable when he slept, actually. But, she didn't have time to think about that. She slid out of his embrace and bit her lip when she got out of bed, goose bumps spread all over her. She was naked, and his apartment was colder, a lot colder than the bed had been. She was fighting every nerve she had to not go climb back in bed with him. God knew she wanted to, but she couldn't. She couldn't be with him. She couldn't, even though she wanted to, more than anything.
She picked up all of her clothes, changed, and fixed her hair in record-breaking time. She took one last look at adorable-sleeping Luke, bite her lip, and ran out the door and down the steps. The diner was empty. It was still really early, and everyone was probably too hung over to be standing outside waiting for Luke to open up. She thanked God no one had seen her, and made her way outside.
She took off her heels and ran down the street, all the way to the Kim's residence. She banged on the door until an old, tired Korean woman answered.
"Hello Mrs. Kim." She smiled, hoping that she didn't have some sort of creepy super power, and could tell she had just committed a horrible sin… for the second time.
"Lorelai? The girls are still sleeping." She said.
"Still?" Lorelai asked.
"Well Rory ate two helpings of Tofurkey last night, and she did such a wonderful job singing hymns with us last night… I thought I'd give them an extra 20 minutes." Mrs. Kim explained.
"Well, uh that's very nice of you, Mrs. Kim. But I really would like to steal Rory… We uh… we have some errands to run."
"But today is Sunday." Mrs. Kim said sternly.
"Yes it is." Lorelai nodded.
"Sunday is for church." Mrs. Kim said.
"Right well, that's why I need Rory right now… See, I want to get our errands done before church." Lorelai said, pretty proud of the excuse she just made up.
"Alright. Rory!" Mrs. Kim yelled. "Rory! Lane!"
"Mom?" Rory emerged from Lane's bedroom, a few minutes later.
"Hi honey." Lorelai smiled.
"What are you doing here?"
"Well, we have to do those errands before church, remember?"
"Wha- oh, right." She said, when Mrs. Kim looked at her. "Let me just get my stuff." She said, with a confused look.
Lorelai stood with Mrs. Kim awkwardly, hoping she couldn't see through her. She patted her hair down, and made sure it was covering her neck, just incase she had a hickey or something. Mrs. Kim would not like that. She tapped her foot, praying that Rory would hurry up and come downstairs.
"Ready." Rory said, as if she could tell that Lorelai had been standing there, awkwardly waiting for her.
"Good. Let's go." Lorelai said. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Kim, for having her over." Lorelai said politely. Mrs. Kim gave her a dirty look, as if she knew exactly what she had been up to before coming here. But she turned and smiled at Rory.
"My pleasure." She said. "Would you like to take some left-overs?"
"Oh, no thank you, Mrs. Kim. I wouldn't want to spoil myself." Rory said, politely. God, where was her halo when she needed it?
Mrs. Kim smiled appreciatively at the girl. "Alright, Bye now."
"Bye Mrs. Kim." The girls said in unison, as they walked out the door. Mrs. Kim closed the door behind them and they walked down the street.
"So, who died and made you the rooster?" Rory asked.
Lorelai would have laughed and made fun of her for her stupid joke, but #1 she was tired, and #2 she knew Rory was tired.
"I just want to get home."
"What?"
"I want to get home, Rory." Lorelai repeated.
"But what about Luke's? I'm starving." Rory said.
"It's not even open." Lorelai said.
"It will be in like 10 minutes. Let's just wait." Rory said.
"I want to get home."
"We'll get it to go." Rory said, beginning to get suspicious.
"Rory, we'll just stop by a Dunkin Donuts on the way."
"Why?"
"I want to get home." Lorelai repeated.
"I think we already established that." Rory said.
"Then get in the car." Lorelai said, raising her voice a little.
"OK." Rory said, softly, with her eyebrows raised. What the hell was wrong with her mom, today?
They drove silently for a few minutes. But Rory wanted to know what was up, and she knew she'd have to say something if she wanted any answers.
"Did you and Sookie get in a fight or something?" Rory asked softly.
"No." Lorelai answered quickly.
"Did Dad call? Is something wrong?" Rory asked.
"Nope." Lorelai said.
"Are you late for something? Is there a DAR meeting today?"
"No Rory… just drop it, alright?"
"OK."
"There's my girls." Chris greeted them when Lorelai and Rory stepped through the door. Lorelai sighed, and dropped her purse by the door, as Rory ran to hug her father.
"How was the party?" Chris asked Rory.
"Fun." Rory replied. "I'm starving." Rory said, reaching for the huge brown bag that was sitting on the counter.
"I got some bagels." He said.
"Thanks." Lorelai offered. She was going to do her best to act normal. She didn't want him to suspect anything. She knew Rory already did, but she really didn't want to deal with all of Christopher's questions right now.
"No problem." He replied. Lorelai reached into the bag and got a bagel. She cut it and put it in the toaster. Chris handed her a cup of coffee, and she smiled at him. "Thanks." She said again.
"You're welcome." He said, and she knew he was trying to apologize for their fight. She knew he didn't want to say anything about it in front of Rory. She knew this was his way of apologizing discretely. And she really hated him for it.
She wished she could hate him. She wished that he would stop being so nice. She wished she didn't feel so guilty. She wished that she felt more guilty. She wished that she wanted to kiss him. She wished that she didn't want to drive back to Stars Hollow and climb back into bed with a certain diner owner. She wished that things weren't so complicated. She wished that everything could work out, and nobody could get hurt.
But she knew that there was no chance of that happening.
Someone would get hurt. Someone always got hurt.
She wished it could be her. Because if it was her, it wouldn't be anyone else. Because if it was her, it wouldn't be Luke, it wouldn't be Chris, and it wouldn't be Rory.
She jumped when the toaster popped, and Rory and Chris looked at her. She giggled nervously and then turned around to put some cream cheese on her bagel.
Truth be told, she was the farthest thing from hungry. She knew she'd probably throw up if she ate anything, but she also knew that Rory and Christopher would be suspicious of her not eating. After all, she was Lorelai.
She sat down at the table, and took a few more sips of coffee, listening to her husband and daughter's conversations.
"And then she chased him all the way down Peach Street. I thought she was going to break out the hose or something." Rory said, laughing.
"Wow." Chris laughed, eyeing his wife.
"Yeah, and Ms. Pattie and East Side Tilly, started a congo line and everything… And Taylor was quoting Disney Movies… Did you see that, Mom?"
"Oh, um, no I didn't… but I heard they were doing the hokey pokey, too." Lorelai said, trying to act normal, but it was much harder than she thought, with all the thoughts swarming around in her head.
"Yeah they were. It was hysterical." Rory laughed.
"Aren't you going to eat, Lor?" Chris asked, pointing at her uneaten bagel.
"Oh yeah, it was just, um… hot." Lorelai said, picking up the bagel and eating it. "Mmm… cinnamon raisin… like a Bar Mitzvah in my mouth." She said. Chris and Rory smiled at her and continued their chatter. Lorelai put down the bagel, and considered spitting it out in her napkin, but knew that they would notice such a thing. So, she swallowed and instantly felt sick.
"You OK?" Chris asked.
"Oh yeah, fine." Lorelai said, taking another sip of her coffee.
He woke up and half hoped that she'd still be in his bed, lying beside him. But, he also hoped that she'd be gone, that he'd wake up alone as he usually did. Because he knew if she was still there, than last night had really happened.
And as amazing as it had been, he knew it was wrong. He knew it shouldn't have happened. He knew it couldn't happen again.
But, when he woke up and saw the empty space beside him, he couldn't help but feel a tiny bit disappointed. Because as wrong as it was, he still wanted her. He still wanted to be with her. He still wanted her to be his.
Even if she never could be. Even if she shouldn't be. Even if it was wrong.
He got up, showered, and got dressed without thinking much about it. Because he knew if he thought about it, he'd realize how wrong it was, and he didn't want it to be wrong. And he also knew how guilty he'd feel, and he didn't want that either.
He opened up the diner, and that kept him busy, as it always did. Kirk sat at the counter, and babbled on and on about things. He listened this time, because it was a distraction, and that's what he needed.
"What can I get for you, Kirk?"
"Could I have a cheeseburger?"
"Sure, Kirk."
"But no lettuce… or tomato… and no cheese either." Kirk said.
"OK." Luke said, scribbling down things on his ordering pad.
"And no pickles… or onions… and you know what? I heard on the news this morning that the Mad Cow Disease rate is up this week, so you better just get rid of the burger, too." Kirk said.
Luke sighed. "So basically, you just want a bun with some ketchup?" He asked.
"Sounds delicious, right?"
"Kirk, why didn't you just say you wanted a ketchup sandwich?"
"It's not on the menu... I didn't know you were allowed to order things not on the menu. Isn't that why you have a menu? To restrict what people order?"
"Never mind Kirk." Luke mumbled.
"I just didn't want to complicate things." He explained.
"Kirk, all you ever do is complicate things."
"So, Luke, how's your day been?
"Well, standing here, serving you… it's been a great day." Luke said, sarcastically.
He stared at him, and blinked a few times.
"What?" Luke asked.
"Aren't you going to ask me about my day?"
"Kirk, you've been here for 3 hours… I already know what you've done today… You've sat here." Luke said.
Kirk continued staring, blinking every so often.
"Fine Kirk. How has your day been?" He asked, frustrated.
"Well, this morning, I walked mother to bridge club and then I watched an instructional video on how to make your own sausage." He explained.
Luke stared at him, then shook his head and walked away. He was totally up for distractions, but this was getting too weird.
"Hey." Chris said, walking towards his wife, as she cleared her plate off the table.
"Hi." She said.
"You barely ate anything, you feeling OK?" He asked.
"Yeah, just not that hungry."
"You sure you're OK."
"I'm fine." She answered. "Where's Rory?" She asked, trying to change the subject.
"She's in the shower." He answered, and she sighed, she knew they were about to have one of those talks.
"Oh." She said.
"Look, I'm sorry about what I said, OK?" He said, too desperate to actually be sorry.
"Yeah, whatever." She said, walking towards the sink. She threw away her bagel, and then put her dishes in the sink. She turned on the water, and waited for it to get hot. Her eyes focused on the vase, still sitting on the counter. The vase that used to hold beautiful daises in it.
The daises were still there, but they were far from beautiful. They were dead.
Dead- just like she suspected they would be.
Dead- just like her marriage was.
"Lorelai, c'mon." He said, interrupting her thoughts.
She looked up at him, with question. "What?" She asked.
"I'm apologizing here… God, you're not even trying." He said, with defeat.
"Trying?" She asked.
"I'm trying to save our marriage here, and you aren't even making the tiniest little bit of effort to help." He told her.
"Yeah, well." She said, focusing on washing her plate. The hot water felt good against her cold hands.
"What? C'mon, talk to me." He begged her, and she just really wanted him to leave. She couldn't stand the sound of his voice at this particular moment. She couldn't stand to hear what he was saying. Because as much as he thought he was trying, he wasn't. He wasn't trying to do anything, but pretend that he was trying. He was trying to pretend like this was working, like they'd be OK, like they could save their marriage. And maybe she had been pretending, too.
"Some things just can't be saved." She told him.
It was the truth. They both knew it was the truth. They had just been pretending to not know it, to ignore it, to dismiss it. But it was there, and it was true. They couldn't save this. They couldn't save a loveless marriage, something that was soley based on their kid, and not their love. They couldn't save it. Because in reality, they didn't love each other. They were just two friends who made a mistake on a balcony 16 years ago, and had spent the last 16 years trying to make it all OK. But it wasn't OK. They couldn't pretend that it was anymore.
"So, what? You're just giving up? 16 years of marriage, and you're giving up?" Chris asked, as if he was shocked by the statement.
Maybe he was only shocked that she had said it out loud.
"Chris, c'mon." Lorelai said.
"No… No, I have to go for a walk." He said, and before she had the chance to talk to him, he was out the door.
She sighed, dried her dishes, and then found herself face to face with the vase of dead flowers. She sighed again, picked up the vase, and threw the flowers in the trash.
When something dies, you're supposed to throw it away, or bury it, or flush it down the toilet. So, why was this so hard?
"Hi Luke." Sookie said, sitting at the counter.
"Hey." He mumbled.
"Hey Kirk, Taylor is looking for you." Sookie said, turning to the only other person at the counter.
"What? Why?" He asked, obviously nervous.
"Something about a jump rope… and uh, coconuts?" Sookie said.
"What? Not again." Kirk sighed, and left the counter to go find Taylor.
Sookie laughed, and leaned over the counter. "Wow, I totally just made that up." She told Luke.
"Well, it is Kirk." He sighed, wiping his hands.
"So Luke, did you have fun at the party?" She asked.
"Oh yeah, it was a blast." He grunted.
"Good, good." Sookie said, playing with a napkin, and starting to rip it in to tiny pieces. "Did you see Lorelai last night?" She asked, eyeing him.
"Uh, yeah, why?" He asked, trying not to show his nervousness.
"Well, uh she was supposed to stay at my house last night… but you know, she never came by. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright." Sookie said, paying close attention to his facial expressions.
"Well, I have no idea." He shrugged.
"Oh OK, I just wanted to see if you saw her… Because I saw her go into the diner last night… Never saw her come out, though." Sookie said, suspiciously.
"Oh well, she did… Come out, I mean… come out of the diner… She did." Luke said.
"Oh, well, alright." Sookie said, standing up. Something had definitely happened between the two of them. Luke was never a good liar. She could tell. Lorelai had gone into the diner, and hadn't come out.
They couldn't. They wouldn't.
Of course they would. She saw how they looked at each other, how they smiled at each other, how they talked about each other.
They were… starting something. Maybe they already had started something?
But Lorelai was married, and Sookie had to believe that Luke wouldn't do something like that. He wouldn't. Neither would she.
But, something had definitely happened.
"Lorelai?" Emily Gilmore asked, when her daughter picked up the telephone.
"Mom, you called my cell, who else were you expecting? Baby Bop?" Lorelai asked.
"You just sounded a little different. Are you alright? Are you sick? I heard the Mad Cow Disease rate has been up this week… I know you like to eat at the diner a lot. You should be a little more careful, eating at a diner. Maybe Charlie could look at you. He was the doctor you had when you had meningitis."
"Mom, I'm not sick."
"Are you sure? You sound sick." Emily persisted.
"Want me to take my temperature or something? I could go down to the hospital and get some blood tests done if it'd make you feel better… and you know, maybe a cat scan or two." Lorelai said sarcastically.
"I was just saying that you sounded ill, Lorelai. You don't have to act all sarcastic. I was only concerned."
"So, why'd you call Mom?" Lorelai asked, after a classic eye-roll.
"Well, I was just wondering if you've been by the Inn lately."
"Um, well yeah, I guess I have." Lorelai said, wondering what this was all about.
"Alright… that's all I needed to know." Emily told her.
"What?"
"That's all I needed, Lorelai, I'll call you later." Emily said.
"Why'd you need to know if I've been at the Inn?" Lorelai asked.
"I was just wondering, that's all." Emily said.
"You just woke up this morning, and thought, 'hey I wonder if Lorelai's been at the Inn?' There has to be some reason you're asking me this, mother."
"No, no reason. It's a nice Inn, don't you think? In a nice town? Nice people? Nice environment?"
"Yes it is… It's a very nice Inn, but I still don't get it."
"There is nothing to get. I was only wondering." Emily said.
"OK." Lorelai said skeptically.
"I'll talk to you later, Lorelai." Emily said in that cheery voice of hers.
"OK, bye Mom."
"What was that about?" Rory asked, coming out of her bedroom, brushing her wet hair.
"Emily… it was nothing." Lorelai replied..
"Where's Dad?" Rory asked.
"Oh, he went out… for a walk." Lorelai said, and Rory knew that it didn't sound good.
"Oh, is he going to be back?" She asked.
"Yeah, he's just going for a walk."
"Oh." Rory said, sitting beside her mother. "Hey Mom?" She asked.
"Yeah, sweets?" Lorelai asked.
"I know things with you and Dad are bad right now, but…" Rory began.
"Everything's fine." Lorelai said.
"Mom." She said, in that voice that meant she knew otherwise.
"Rory." Lorelai said, in that voice that meant she didn't want to talk about it.
"Mom, I know you guys are going through a tough time, but he's trying, Mom." Rory persisted.
"Rory, your father and I are fine." She said.
She knew that Rory knew. She knew that Rory understood some of the things that were going on. She knew Rory knew all about the past. But, she also knew that Rory only saw the relationship they pretended to have. She only saw the people they pretended to be. The love they pretended to have.
God, there was a lot of pretending going on in this family.
But it was true. They pretended, and they had gotten pretty good at it over the years. So good, that even Rory believed it was real.
"Mom, you can talk to me." Rory said, and Lorelai sighed. Because really, Rory was the last person she could ever talk to about this. She was the one they were doing all this for. She was the person they were pretending for, she was the one they got married for, she was the one they were still married for.
And if Lorelai talked to Rory about this, Rory would only feel bad, and she shouldn't feel bad about it.
It was their choice. They got married. They listened to their parents. They did all of this. Sure, they did it for Rory, but they were the ones that did it.
It wasn't her fault, but Rory would think of it that way.
"Rory, just drop it, please." Lorelai said.
"Mom." Rory said, begging for her to talk about it.
"Rory, please." Lorelai said.
Rory was about to open her mouth again, but Lorelai stopped her. "I have to go talk to Emily about something… See what she's up to, OK? Dad will be home soon, I won't be long. Call if you need anything, OK?" Lorelai asked.
"Yeah, sure."
She had fully intended on going to the Gilmore Mansion. She had fully intended on seeing what the hell Emily was up to. She had fully intended on staying in Hartford, of only going to her parent's house, of only talking to Emily.
But, when the bell over the door, rang, she wasn't surprised to find herself in the diner. It was always funny to her, how she could never remember doing this. She could never remember taking that exit, or getting onto the highway. In her mind, she was still in Hartford, down the street from the house she grew up in.
But, in reality, she was standing at the door, staring at the man in the backwards-blue baseball cap, behind the counter, taking someone's order. And he was staring right back.
She walked towards the counter, and sat at the last stool, and patiently waited for him to get to her.
She had no idea what she was doing, what she would say to him, what he would say to her. But she knew she had to do this. She knew she had to talk to him, and he had to talk to her. And she knew that even if she tried, she wasn't going to leave the diner until they had talked.
The thing was, that she didn't even know what she needed to talk to him about. She didn't even know what she wanted to say, or what she should say. She didn't know what he'd say, or what he should say.
She just waited there, drumming her fingers on the counter, looking around at the people.
It was a little crowded. Not too crowded, but there were a few family's sitting at the tables. But Cesar was there, so maybe he could get a little time away to talk with her.
But not in his apartment, she promised herself. She knew what could happen if they went up there again, and as much as she sort of wanted to, she knew she couldn't.
"Hey." He said.
"Hi." She answered.
"What can I get you?" He asked, holding up his ordering pad.
She smiled at his attempt to make things seem normal, and brushed some hair behind her ear. "Can we talk?" She asked.
"Uh, sure." He said, putting his pad down.
"Outside?" She asked.
"Yeah." He said. "Cesar, I got to go out for a few minutes. Can you take care of everything?" He called.
"Sure thing, Boss." He called out.
Lorelai stood up and followed Luke out the door. They sat down on a bench, in the square.
"So… uh, you wanted to talk?" He asked.
"Uh, yeah." Lorelai said, looking around at all the people surrounding them. She didn't want to do this in front of everyone. People in this town had good ears, and she didn't even want to think about what could happen if they overheard anything. "Maybe we should go somewhere quieter?" She asked.
He nodded, and they walked down the street. "Where are we going?" She asked, just because she hated the silence.
"The bridge?" He asked, as if he was making sure it was OK.
"OK." She said, and the silence was back. She hummed a little bit, just to make some noise, and then they got there. She sat down on the bridge and dangled her feet over the edge. He sat down cross-legged.
"So… um, about last night." She began, really wishing she had half a clue as to what she was going to say next.
"Look, Lorelai… Maybe we should just… stay away from each other." He told her, not exactly making eye contact with her.
"What?" She asked, trying to read his eyes and figure out what he meant.
"It's the 2nd time this has happened… and… you're… married." He said, pointing to the ring on her finger. "We can't- we can't do this."
"I know." She said softly.
"So, maybe we shouldn't… we shouldn't be friends anymore." He told her.
"Oh." She said, sadly. She didn't want that. She wanted to be his friend. She wanted to talk to him, to see him, to make him smile. And, how would she survive without his coffee? No Luke's coffee? That wasn't an option.
"It's just… It's just that, this can't… happen." He told her. "And if we stay friends… and hang out and stuff… it might… happen." He said.
"Right." She told him, biting her lower lip.
"Yeah." He said softly, looking down at his feet. What else was she supposed to say? Luke was right. It could happen again, and the only way they could prevent it was to stay away from each other. But that was the last thing she wanted.
He wanted to say something… do something, anything… But what can you say in a situation like this?
She snuck a few peaks at him, trying to see if this is what he really wanted. If she didn't matter to him at all. If she was just another customer. If she was half as important to him as he was to her.
But, he wasn't looking at her, and she couldn't tell.
"I really don't know what I was thinking." Lorelai began.
"What?" He asked, finally looking up at her.
"I mean, I'm married… have been for 16 years… and I have a kid… a daughter. I can't- I can't go around doing stuff like this." She said, gesturing between the two of them.
"Lorelai…" He began, but she was already too deep in rant mode to stop, and she kept going.
"But I just… Well, before I went to the diner, I was outside with everyone… they were all completely shit faced, and they were going on and on about… about us."
"Us?" Luke asked.
"You and Me… being together… kids… children, Luke, children… They were going on and on about you and me… and kids… a future, a family… my blue eyes and your ass."
"My ass?" He asked.
"And I don't know… I guess… I guess I just… Well, I just let myself really… really want it… us." She told him, staring into his blue eyes with so much intensity, that he was sure she could see through him. "You know?" She asked.
He stared at her a little bit longer before finally nodding. "Yeah… I know." He told her.
She looked up at him, and he knew she was waiting for an explanation. The truth was, that he was waiting for one, too. He wasn't exactly sure what he meant, but he really did understand what she meant. He knew how she felt. He wanted it, too. He really did.
"Yeah… because… uh, I sorta… I sort of wanted it, too."
So, you know what to do. Please review? Heh, that rhymes. Oh man.
So, the super bowl… Oh man. I was about to kill someone when Tom Brady was the coin flipper. The coin flipper! Seriously? Ugh. He's supposed be on the field! Not flipping the damn coin… & Belechick was in the booth? God. It's weird watching the super bowl and not being completely stressed out about every single play and everything… it's nice, but I'd rather not get used to it. We're winning next year! God, I sound like a Sox fan… which I am, so I guess that makes sense… Anyway…
Yeah, I wanted the Seahawks to win… I have a few friends from Seattle… plus I didn't want Big Ben to break Brady's record… and I'm not a huge fan of Bill Cowher… his chin scares me…
Well, anyway… I'm going to go straighten my hair. You stay here and review please… Oh and here's next chapter:
& Your Enthusiam Just Kills Me: What is that Emily Gilmore up to? Find out at family dinner, and also how the family will react to whatever is up her sleeve. Plus, Sookie talks to Lorelai about the night of her party… And, Lorelai makes a promise. (might change the title name. Not sure yet.)