Kiss with Open Eyes
Chapter 14: She Lies Just to Keep You Here
Disclaimer: You know it's not mine.
Summary: They just keep dancing around each other. He feels guilty, and she knows it's wrong, but the music is playing, and they can't help but dance.
A/N: Hey guys, what's up?
"My mother made me promise her something today."
"And what was that?" He asks.
"That I'll do whatever I can to make myself happy."
"So, what makes you happy?" He asks her as he wipes down the counter in front of her.
"You."
He stops wiping, and looks down at the counter. He's smiling a little, and blushing.
"You make me happy." She says at almost a whisper, and he looks up at her. The way he's gazing at her makes her heart flutter.
"I feed you." He says, an attempt to lighten the mood, or maybe avoid what might happen if he had answered differently.
"Yeah… but that's not it." She tells him, holding his gaze.
"Well, you seem to enjoy my coffee." He says, still trying to laugh this off.
"Among other things." She says, sipping her coffee, but not taking her eyes off him.
His hands are on the counter, and he's leaning slightly closer to her. And as much as she wants him to just lean in and kiss her, she's completely dreading it, because she knows if he does, there's no way she's going to get up and leave.
She puts the coffee down, and smiles at him.
"So, does this mean you have to do me?" He asks, and she can tell he's trying to make a joke, but she hears a tint of seriousness in his tone.
"Mother knows best."
She's not really sure how her life got so confusing, so messed up, so complicated. She's not sure when everything started falling apart, when she started being so unhappy. She's not sure when she became this person that she barely recognizes. This person who cheats on her husband, who can't talk to her daughter, who feels closer to her mother than her own kid.
She's not sure when everything changed. Maybe it had been coming all along, but when exactly did it all change?
She was never the type to cheat on someone. Never.
But there was just something about him. She couldn't even begin to explain it. All she knew is that she couldn't stay away.
"Upstairs?" She asks, with a devious smile.
"The diner's open." He tells her.
"Nobody is in here Luke." She responds.
"Somebody might come in. It's only 7." He answers.
"Alright…" She says, playing along even though she knows he'll give in. They've done this twice this week, and he always gives in.
6 minutes later, the closed sign is hanging on the door, the lights are turned off, and they are stumbling up the stairs.
If someone told her, 16 years ago, that she would cheat on Chris, she'd never believe it. This wasn't her. She would never do this type of thing. She'd never have an affair.
But here she was, pining him against the wall, kissing him until she can't breathe. She's done this twice this week, and she still can't believe it.
She knows she should stop. She knows this isn't her. She knows she should walk away, go home, take a shower, and fall asleep, but she can't. She can't stop kissing him. It just feels too good. His hands going up her shirt, his lips on her neck, his tongue in her mouth. She just can't walk away.
She just can't walk away.
"Lorelai…" He tells her, and she knows what he's thinking. They've been through this before.
"Luke, it's OK." She manages to tell him.
"It's not." He says, because he knows it's not. He used to be a boy scout. His mother taught him right from wrong. He's seen his sister walk away from a lot of men who have cheated. He's seen the sad look in her eyes.
If somebody ever told him, he would have sex with a married woman, he'd never believe it. But here he was, in his apartment, about to have sex with a married woman. He knew it was wrong, crazy, horrible… but he can't stop. He just can't.
He wants to tell her to stop coming to his diner. He wants to tell her to go home. He wants to say that they can't do this anymore, that they have to forget and move on. He wants to let her go, and lead her to the door. He wants so badly just to erase her, but he knows he can't.
He just can't.
"C'mon." She says leading him to his bed.
"Lorelai, you have to tell him." Luke whispers, and they are both surprised by the statement.
"I will." She says, and they are both surprised by the answer.
She's lying and she knows it. Tomorrow morning she'll wake up, she'll think about telling him, about telling him everything, but then she'll talk herself out of it, because there's too much at risk.
He is her friend. He is the father of her daughter. He is her husband of 16 years.
He was with her when her parents caught her skinny-dipping in the neighbor's pool. He kept her company when her parents left her with the Nanny for an entire summer. He was there when Digger Stiles saw her underwear at camp. He was beside her when she got Totsied twice at a funeral. He got her some ice when she skinned her knees playing tag.
She never wanted to hurt him. She never wanted things to get so hard. She didn't want to disappoint him, and more importantly she didn't want to disappoint Rory.
She knows she just never should have married him. But she did, and she doesn't want it to go this way.
"I'll tell him." She repeats. She's lying, and she knows it, but it's the only way to keep him there… and maybe, tomorrow she'll wake up, and have the courage to tell him. Maybe she's not lying.
Every night she wonders if it's worth it. Every night she wonders what she's thinking, how she could do something like this. Every night she asks herself why she doesn't put an end to it.
She knows she's crazy for doing this. She knows she should leave.
Sometimes she almost does, but then he kisses her like she's the last person in the world, like he's drowning and she's saving him, and she can't leave.
He pulls her closer to him, and she holds on to him like she'll never see him again. He sighs into her, and she relaxes in his arms. They fall onto the bed, and once again, they pretend, and forget.
Every night she asks herself if it's worth it. Every time she says goodbye to him, or has to leave even though all she wants to do is stay. Every time she'd lie to her kid, or sneak into the house late at night.
But every time, she'd always come up with the same answer.
Yes.
It's worth it. He's worth it.
He's amazing, and wonderful.
He makes her happy, a sort of happy that she hadn't felt in a long time. He makes her smile, something she doesn't do much when he's not around. He makes her laugh in a way that feels refreshing, and has her forgetting about the problems she has at home.
He's sweet, and he always knows exactly what to say. He cares, and he listens to her when she talks, even if she's not really saying anything at all. When he looks at her, she feels prettier, her skin tingles, and she can't wipe the goofy smile off her face. He holds her, as if he never wants to let go, and she feels safe, protected. He kisses her and her heart flutters, sometime it skips a beat.
It's just worth it.
"I'll tell him." She says again, and she's not sure if it's the truth or not.
"Where were you?" Rory asked, huddled in a ball, at the end of the couch, wrapped in a soft, blue blanket.
"Uh… talking to Mia." Lorelai answered. It's gotten so familiar. The questions, the lies, the stories. She hated how normal it is, but this is how it's been for the past 16 years.
"Did you get the job?" Rory asked.
"I'm not sure yet." Lorelai answered, pouring herself a glass of water.
"Is it OK if I hang out with Dean tomorrow? His family is having a barbeque."
"Sure, sweets."
"Mom… can we talk?" Rory asked her.
"Sure, what's up?" Lorelai asked, heading towards the couch to sit beside her daughter.
"Are you and Dad OK?"
"We're fine, Rory." Lorelai answered.
"Mom, stop. I'm not 6 years old anymore. You can talk to me."
"I know I can talk to you, Rory… there's just nothing to talk about it."
"We used to tell each other everything… what happened?" Rory asked.
"Nothing." Lorelai answered.
"Mom… are you and Dad OK?" She asked again.
"We'll be fine." Lorelai said.
"OK." Rory said, a little unsure. "He's just stressed you know… Straub is making him work a lot… and he'll come around to the you, working thing… It's just new… and he misses you." Rory tells her.
"I know, sweetie." Lorelai said.
"Just… talk to him about it. He'll understand."
"I doubt it, Rory." Lorelai told her, before she even realized what was coming out of her mouth.
"What?" Rory asked.
"I don't think he'll understand."
"You won't even try?" Rory questioned.
"I've been trying for 16 years, kid… trust me, I've tried…" Lorelai said, before she even knew what was coming out of her mouth.
"What does that mean?" Rory asked.
"I don't know." Lorelai said, with a sigh. Lorelai looked up a few seconds later, when her daughter didn't respond.
"Rory?" She asked, and she watched as Rory took a deep breathe, and prepared herself for what she was about to say.
"When did you become so unhappy?" Rory asked.
"Rory…" Lorelai began. "I'm not unhappy… really."
The lies, they've just become so familiar.
"Three times this week?" Sookie asked, completely shocked. She had suspected all of this, but suspecting and hearing it out loud is just so much different.
"Yeah." Lorelai replied, looking at her feet.
"Wow." Sookie said, with a sigh. She wasn't sure what she was supposed to think. This wasn't Luke, and she was pretty sure this wasn't Lorelai. So, what the hell was going on?
"What do you think?" Lorelai asked, cringing a little bit.
"I'm not sure… You're married, Lorelai." Sookie said, because it's all she could think to say.
"I know, I know… I'm going to tell him… I just need to think, and prepare… and-"
"I don't want to see Luke get hurt." Sookie told her.
"I know… me either." Lorelai replied.
"He's been hurt before, you know? People just come and in out of his life all the time… and every time they leave… God, you should see the look on his face, you know? It's horrible, and heart breaking… and I don't ever want to see it again. I've known him for my whole life, and he's my friend, and I don't want to see him get hurt again."
"I don't want to hurt him."
"Just don't, OK? He's a good guy."
"I know he is." Lorelai said. "I know."
"I can't believe this is happening." Sookie said, leaning against the table.
"Me either… This just… it isn't me. I don't have affairs, I don't cheat… But it's…"
"Luke." Sookie answered.
"Yeah, it's Luke." Lorelai said, with a smile. "I know I should stop… I know I should. I know I shouldn't do this, that it's wrong… but I just can't stop… I just can't."
"So… what are you going to do?" Sookie asked, trying to stay calm, given the situation.
"I'm not sure yet… You just can't tell anyone, OK?"
"I won't."
"Thanks Sookie… I really appreciate having somebody to talk about this… you know? It helps."
"Anytime." Sookie said, trying to sound more enthusiastic than she was.
There were two parts of her life.
There was the Hartford life. The life with the fancy teacups that were imported from a small country in Europe, and hand-made by a distant cousin of some famous painter or president. The life with the brunches, and the tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off. The life with the food you couldn't pronounce, and the large, expensive, dollhouses that were just for show and not for play. The life with the manipulation, the social status, the thousand dollar diamond necklaces you only wear once in your life. The life with the tiaras, the expensive parties, the white brick houses with fountains in the front yard. The life with the driveways that you don't park in, the country clubs, and the pointy high heels that make it difficult to ever walk away.
Then, there was the Stars Hollow life. The life with foam fingers, hot dog costumes, Founder's Day Punch, bonfires, and ceramic kitty cat salt and pepper shakers. The life with the fabulous coffee, soft flannel shirts, surveys, muffin men, 2 in 1 watermelon shampoo. The life with sparkly tutus, batons, bikes with those glittery streamers. The life with dance marathons, a pancake house that doesn't serve pancakes, shoes that light up when you walk, fairytales, garden gnomes.
Each life was completely different from the other, and she was a completely different person in them.
In her Hartford life, she wore a button up shirt, with all the buttons buttoned. She wore pearls, or real diamonds. She wore dress pants, and pointy shoes. She wore a smile because she had to, and she laughed so no one would ask her questions. In her Hartford life, she had gotten pregnant when she was 16, but did the right thing and go married to the baby's father. In her Hartford life, she was happily married, she was a member of the DAR, and got along perfectly with her parents.
In her Stars Hollow life, she wore her Power Puff Girl necklace, the jeans that hugged her in all the right places, and flip-flops. Her t-shirts had rhinestones instead of buttons. She walked down the street humming 'Living on a Prayer,' and she smiled because she wanted to. In her Stars Hollow life, she had a daughter, who she loved. In her Stars Hollow life, she was a coffee addict, pop culture genius, and a mother with a crazy sense of style.
She had done a pretty good job of keeping her two lives pretty separate from each other. Sure, Rory had friends in the Hollow, Luke had been to her house, and her mother had been there a few times, but for the most part, they were pretty separate.
But, she would tell the truth, and they would collide in a hideous car crash.
She didn't want that. She really didn't want that.
But she had to say something. She had to end it with Chris, or end it with Luke.
She couldn't have two lives, she had to choose one. She could only have one.
The obvious choice was Stars Hollow. She loved it there. She was happier there. Luke was there, his coffee was there. It was an obvious choice.
But Hartford had Rory… and Rory was the most important thing. She was more important than everything else, even her own happiness.
Lorelai dragged herself out of bed, and headed towards the kitchen. The scent of coffee filled her nose, and she could hear giggles from around the corner.
"Hey Mom." Rory said.
"Hey Lor." Chris said, with a smile, something she hadn't seen in a while.
"Hey." Lorelai replied.
"I poured you some coffee." Rory said, handing her the cup.
And that was it. She knew she had to choose.
It was Hartford. It was Rory. It was the pearls and the button up shirts. It was the fountains, the white-brick, the maids. She could only have one life, and this was it.
It was Rory.
She walked into the diner with a purpose. She was going to do it. She was going to tell him. She was going to tell him that they had to stop. That she had to figure out her marriage and her life. That she had to work things out with Chris, talk to Rory, make sure a divorce was right.
She was going to walk away, stop, let go.
They had been doing this dance for so long. She felt guilty, he couldn't look in the mirror, and they couldn't do it anymore. But the music kept playing, and they kept dancing.
But today, she was going to turn the music off. She was going to press the pause key.
So, she opened the door, and marched inside. In her head, she was telling herself, over and over again to say it.
"Hey." He said.
"Hi uh-" She began, but he interrupted her.
"I didn't know you wore glasses." He said, and she reached up to touch her glasses. She forgot she was wearing them.
"Guys make passes at girl's who wear glasses." She joked, her purpose beginning to drift away for a second.
"They're nice." He said, with that beautiful smile of his, the one he only saved for her. She smiled back, and took a seat at the counter.
"Coffee?"
"Yes please." She smiled, and took the cup.
The music kept playing, and they couldn't stop dancing.
Wooo… one step forward, two steps backwards, huh? I know, I know… but this was how I planned it out from the beginning… I changed a lot of stuff from my original plan, but I decided to keep this idea.
I know it's shorter than usual, but personally… I have an incredibly small attention span, and I hate reading really long things at one time… so if you are like me, than you will be happy… if not than… eat a cookie.
So, my weekend was good, how was everyone else's?
I'm a little depressed, because there is no football today… But I do have the week off for February vacation, so I'm excited. I don't know when I'll be able to write next, but there will probably be a new chapter sometime this week.
I hope this wasn't too rushed or anything. I kind of feel like the end was a little rushed.
Alright, so I gotta go meet a friend. Please review.
Anyways, suggestions, ideas, comments always appreciated.
It's Love, Make it Hurt: Two months later and Chris is working like crazy, Rory is ignoring the problem, Luke doesn't like to share, and Lorelai can only watch as her world falls apart.