Kiss with Open Eyes
Chapter 17: Your Lipstick, His Collar
Disclaimer: You know it's not mine.
Summary: They just keep dancing around each other. He feels guilty, and she knows it's wrong, but the music is playing, and they can't help but dance.
She hasn't been able to sit still since their conversation at the diner. She hasn't been able to focus, or sleep since she talked to him.
She knows what she has to do to fix this. She knows she can't wait much longer.
But it's scary.
She doesn't want to hurt anyone, but she knows it's way too late for that.
She hasn't been able to look her daughter in the eye for the past two days. She hasn't been able to talk to Chris in full sentences. She knows that once they know, nothing will ever be the same. She just hopes that they won't hate her.
But, she knows that a lot to hope to for.
She's thought about not telling them, but she knows if she doesn't, she won't have Luke. It's weird, because she hasn't known him for that long, and she's risking a lot for him. But he's just… Luke.
When he looks at her, she feels prettier. When he smiles at her, her heart skips a beat. When he holds her, she feels safe. When he kisses her, she gets goose bumps. When he rolls his eyes at her, she can't help but smile. When he laughs at her, she feels accomplished. When he comforts her, she always feels better.
When she's with him, she feels loved.
She knows this whole relationship is wrong. She knows it was a bad idea to start out this way. She's not even sure if things will work out between them. But she has to try, because if she doesn't, she'd never forgive herself.
She knew she had to do it soon. She knew, but she was scared.
She'd sit at the kitchen table, and only stare at her food. Looking at them was too hard. They didn't know. They didn't know her secret. They didn't know how their lives were about to change. And she knew if she looked at them, she'd change her mind.
At night, she wonders how it all got screwed up. She wonders when she became this woman, who cheats and lies. She wonders if it was always heading this way.
Yeah, it was.
Their entire marriage was like a game of house. They'd wear fake smiles, give each other fake kisses, and pretend to love each other. It was like they were putting on a play. They had to hug and kiss because the audience wanted them to.
They had known each other since they were 6. They had been friends since the summer after he stopped wetting the bed, and she lost her teddy bear. His name was Kurt. She suspected her mother threw it away, but she never said anything.
Then Lorelai got pregnant, and they got married. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. Their friendship, their history, their desire to do the right thing for Rory, and the pushes they got from their parents got them a long way in their marriage.
When Rory was young, it was always easy to forget. Forget that they were really married, that this was really happening. Being with her was always an escape from reality. She always allowed them to pretend that none of this was real; it was just a game, a play. And soon enough, the game would be over, or the curtain would fall, and life would start again.
But, Rory got older and began spending less time at home, leaving Lorelai and Chris to face reality. They were really married. This was actually happening. There really was no curtain.
When Rory wasn't around, they weren't exactly sure what to do. The years of looking for spaceships and naked neighbors through Richard's telescope weren't enough to pull them through anymore. Their never-ending feud on Metallica vs. Offspring, couldn't even save their marriage.
So, they began fighting when Rory wasn't home, and then they eventually just started avoiding each other all together. Suddenly, they found themselves picking fights just for the sake of fighting.
But, they both knew that the, "Why didn't you call the goddamn repair guy yet?" actually meant "why the hell did you agree to marry me?" And the "You can be so stupid, sometimes" actually meant, "what the fuck were we thinking?"
Basically, when Rory wasn't there, they were faced with the decision they made. They were faced with each other. They were faced with their past, their future, their mistakes. When Rory wasn't around, they had to deal with it all. But neither of them wanted to, so they just avoided it.
And eventually, their little fights led to sleeping in separate bedrooms.
She guessed it never really bothered her because she never knew of anything better. She had never thought of leaving because she didn't know anything was out there for her.
But now she did. Luke was out there for her. And she wanted to be out there with him.
"I know he suspects." Lorelai told Sookie, that afternoon.
"What?" Sookie asked.
"He suspects. He definitely does… He asked me why I was in the car with Luke." Lorelai explained, her gaze, directed somewhere far away.
"What'd you say?" Sookie asked her.
"Nothing." Lorelai answered.
"What?" Sookie asked.
"Nothing." Lorelai repeated, looking at her now.
"Nothing?" Sookie asked her.
"I pretended to be asleep." Lorelai explained.
"Do you think he believed that?"
"Maybe." Lorelai shrugged.
"So… tonight?" Sookie asked, cringing a little bit. She had never really been on the Luke and Lorelai bandwagon. She had always been against divorce. But, tonight Lorelai was telling Christopher about her affair, and it would probably end in divorce. And there wasn't much Sookie could do about it.
"Tonight." Lorelai nodded, staring into space again.
"Are you… scared?" She asked, knowing it was a stupid question.
"I should have told him before." Lorelai said, not answering the question. "I should have told him… I promised Luke I would tell him, and I should have."
"Well… it's a hard thing to do." Sookie said.
"I know, but I promised." Lorelai said, obviously kicking herself on the inside.
"Lorelai…"
"Then maybe we'd still be together. Maybe it wouldn't be as screwed up… Maybe Christopher would have understood more. I mean, he knows this isn't working. Of course he knows. If I had just been honest, maybe things would have been a little bit better… not much, just a little, you know?" Lorelai asked.
"Maybe." Sookie said.
"And I'd still have Luke." Lorelai said.
"What about Rory?" Sookie asked.
"I'm trying not to think about Rory." Lorelai said.
"Right." Sookie nodded.
"She'll hate me." Lorelai said, biting her lip.
"She'd never hate you." Sookie said.
"I can't think about it." Lorelai said, shaking her head.
Sookie nodded, and waited for Lorelai to say something, but she didn't. "Why didn't you tell him?" Sookie asked.
"What?"
"Why didn't you tell Chris after you promised Luke?"
"Rory." Lorelai answered.
Sookie nodded.
"And…" Lorelai began.
"What?"
"I don't know… I guess, I was a little afraid that I'd be risking all of this stuff, and then… then, he'd change his mind, or realize that I'm not worth it, or I'm not who he wants… Then I would have lost everything, you know? Because, at least… if we broke up because I was married… it would have been because I was married, and not because I wasn't good enough, or who he wanted… I know it's stupid." Lorelai said, bowing her head.
"It's not stupid." Sookie assured her.
Lorelai shrugged.
"It's not." Sookie told her.
"I really screwed up." Lorelai said. "I just… I really love him."
"I know."
"I'll tell Chris tomorrow." Lorelai said.
Sookie looked up at her, shocked. "Tomorrow?"
"I just… I need one last night, you know? Incase…" She began, but wasn't able to finish. She didn't want to think about all the consequences just yet.
"So… tomorrow." Sookie repeated.
"Tomorrow."
"Luke!"
"Sookie?" He asked, as the woman ran up towards the counter. "What's wrong?" He asked her.
"I need to talk to you." She told him, attempting to catch her breath.
"What is it?" He asked.
"Outside?" She asked.
He nodded, put his ordering pad down, and helped her out the door.
"Sookie, what's going on?" He asked her.
"Lorelai." She said, still breathing hard.
"What about Lorelai?"
"Chris." She said, having trouble saying more than one word at a time.
"What?" He asked.
"Tomorrow." She told him.
"What are you talking about, Sookie?"
"Lorelai is telling Chris tomorrow night!" She told him, at a loud whisper.
"She's what?" He asked, his face turning white.
"She's telling him, Luke… She's telling him tomorrow." Sookie said.
"Tomorrow?" He asked, staring off into space.
"Yes!"
"Why?" He asked.
"Because… She wants to be with you." Sookie told her. She's not sure why she decided to do this. She's not sure what came over her.
She had never been behind this relationship. She hates divorce. She never wants to be one of those women talking about husband #1 and 2. But, here she was.
She really had no idea why. All she knew is that those two people loved each other, and they wanted to be together. Those two people were her friends, and even though she didn't completely agree with what they were doing, she wanted them to be happy.
"Then why didn't she tell him before?" He asked, with a hint of anger.
"Luke…"
"Why?" He asked.
Sookie took a deep breath, and looked him in the eye. "You always want what you can't have, right?" She asked, but didn't give him enough time for an answer. "Like, you know all those infomercials with the instant pasta cookers, and the pancake makers that don't make any mess? They always look so great on TV, and you always want one… then, it comes in the mail and you have no idea what you were thinking." Sookie babbled on.
"Sookie." He said, sternly.
"So… Maybe once you get it, you won't want it anymore." Sookie told him, seriously.
"What?"
"Maybe that's what she was afraid of." Sookie told him.
"What? No." Luke couldn't understand why Lorelai would even think that.
"Luke, c'mon… She loves you. She's telling Chris because… she loves you." And with that, Sookie left the building. She gave him one last knowing look, and turned around to walk home.
Her work here was done.
"Hey hun, you smell really good." Lorelai said, as Rory reached over her to grab a cup from the shelf. They were having a movie night. Lorelai needed this one last night with her daughter… before she knew, before she hated her, before she may never speak with her again.
"I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier." Rory told her.
Lorelai smiled and watched as her daughter set up the living room. She looked happy, and that's what killed her. Knowing that tomorrow, she'd be the reason that the smile on her daughter's face was gone.
She sighed, and joined her daughter on the couch.
"Rock, paper, scissor, shoot." They said in unison, while doing the proper hand motions.
"Rock beats scissor! Hah!" Lorelai said.
"2 out of 3." Rory whined.
"Fine." Lorelai said.
"Rock, paper, scissor, shoot!" They said, together.
"Scissor beats paper! I win again!" Lorelai said happily.
"3 out of 4?" Rory begged.
"No way, Missy. You gotta pick up the pizza."
Rory sighed, and then dragged herself off the couch. "Ughhhh…" Rory whined, as she grabbed her purse.
"Money's on the counter, babe." Lorelai said, cheerfully, trying to do her best to act naturally.
"I'll be back." Rory said, unenthusiastically before heading out the door. Once Lorelai heard the door shut, she sighed, and got off the couch. She went over to the sink and began cleaning the dirty dishes, something she would have never done before. But she needed something to keep her busy, but if she sat down for too long, she'd start thinking, and thinking was never good.
"Hey." He said, once he opened the door.
She spun around and saw him. "I thought you had a meeting tonight." She said.
"I do."
"So…"
"I had to come home and change." He explained, walking past her.
"Oh."
Once the bedroom door shut, she began washing the dishes some more.
She kept asking herself if this was the right thing to do. If it was all worth it.
She didn't even know if Luke would take her back. What if he didn't? Then she'd have nothing. …But, what if he did? Then she'd have everything. And she'd always come to that… It was worth. The possibility of everything was worth the possibility of nothing.
"Lorelai?" She heard him call, as the bedroom door opened.
"Yeah?" She called back, and listened as he slowly walked down the hallway into the kitchen. His steps sounded different, more careful… scared.
He came into the kitchen and the look on his face told her everything.
"Whose socks am I wearing?"
He wants to erase her. He wants to forget her. He wants to move on. He wants to let go. He wants things to be normal again. But he knows that way too much to ask for.
Because there's no way he'll ever be able to erase her from his memory. There's no way he'll ever be able to forget how wonderful her hair smells. There's no way he'll ever be able to move on to someone better, because there is no such person. There's no way he'll ever be able to let go, because he just hasn't loved her enough to let her go. There's no way things will ever be normal again, because Lorelai is anything but normal.
And that's just what he loved about her.
Everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes you forget to carry the 2 on a math test. Sometimes you lock your keys in the car. Sometimes you leave milk out for too long.
Sometimes you start something too early. Sometimes you wait too long.
Sometimes you tell a lie. Sometimes you don't keep a secret. Sometimes you steal. Sometimes you talk about someone behind their back. Sometimes you make fun of their new haircut. Sometimes you don't apologize.
Sometimes you have sex too young. Sometimes you forget to use a condom. Sometimes you get pregnant when your 16. Sometimes you get married too young. Sometimes you get married too fast. Sometimes you do both.
Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person. Sometimes you fall in love with the right person.
Sometimes you hurt the people you love.
And sometimes, the mistake is just getting caught.
You always learn from mistakes. That's why mistakes are good, they teach you a lesson.
You learn to check over your work. You learn to keep an extra set of keys with you. You learn to always put the milk away.
You learn never to start too early. You learn not to wait too long.
You learn not to lie. You learn to keep secrets. You learn not to steal. You learn not to talk about others. You learn not to make fun of others. You learn to always say you're sorry.
No matter what, you always learn.
He's not sure what specific mistake led him to this, but he knows he learned something. Luke made a mistake, and he learned that he loves Lorelai.
He could never erase her. He could never forget. He could never move on. He could never let go. He could never ask for things to be normal again.
Because, he really did love Lorelai
"Chris…" She began, her heart pounding so hard that she's not sure if it's beating at all.
He looked down at his socks again, and then back up at her. "You did it, didn't you?" He asked.
"What?" She asked him.
"They aren't my socks." He told her.
"Chris, c'mon… They're- they're yours." She stumbled out.
"You can't even say it." He told her.
"Chris…"
"You really did it." He said, stating it more than asking.
"What?" She asked, surprised at how strange her voice sounded. This was it… This was really it.
"You cheated on me." He said.
"I… I…" She couldn't even find the words.
"I can't believe this." He said, becoming angry.
"Chris… They're- they're… just…socks." She said, quietly.
"They aren't my socks!" He yelled as he took off the socks and threw them down on the floor. "I can't fucking believe this." He said, looking her straight in the eye. "All this divorce bullshit… and then, then you said… you looked me straight in the eye and told me you'd try… you said that we were going to try… You looked me straight in the eye and said that to me, Lorelai. But you were never going to try. You were fucking somebody else!" He told her.
"Chris… I'm…"
"That guy, right? The guy from the accident? The diner guy? You're fucking your coffee supplier?" He asked, as the vein in his neck popped out a little.
"I'm… I'm sorry."
"I- I can't believe you. We've been married for 16 years! 16 fucking years!" He told her.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She told him, tears streaming down her face. This isn't what she wanted. She never wanted it to be like this. She never wanted to hurt him.
"Why did we get married?" He asked, lowering his voice a little bit.
"What?" She asked, looking up at him.
"Why did we get married?" He repeated.
"Chris… You remember." She told him, trying to stop crying.
"You got pregnant? So, what? Why does that automatically mean we have to get married? If your plan was always to cheat or divorce me, why even bother?" He asked, giving her a look that scared her.
"Chris… That, that wasn't my plan." She told him.
"Really? Because it seems that way to me." He told her, sarcastically.
"Everyone deserves a father, Chris... I just… I never meant for it to be like this… Never." She told him.
"Well, this is how it is, Lorelai. You destroyed this family. You did this. You caused all of this." He told her.
"I know." She said quietly, as she looked down at the floor.
Chris looked down at the pair of socks, still sitting on the floor, and then he looked over at Lorelai. He shook his head, and stared at the ceiling. It didn't seem real. How could Lorelai actually cheat on him? How could she do that after 16 years of marriage? After years of friendship?
"I'm sorry." She told him again. "I'm so sorry."
He shook his head again. "I can't deal with this." He told her before grabbing his jacket, and heading towards the door.
"Chris… don't leave." She told him.
"No… Lor, I'm leaving." He told her. The expression on his face made her tears come down harder. He looked sad. He looked defeated, regretful, hurt.
And she caused it.
She caused this.
OK, so first of all… I meant for the title to be "Your Lipstick, His Collar, Don't Bother Angel I Know Exactly What Goes On." But that doesn't fit, so yes.
So, there you go… Chris knows, but trust me, this won't be the end of him. He'll be back, don't worry.
So, I had the day off from school today. It was Professional Day? Who knows… And yeah, it was 71 degrees outside. It was amazing.
Go hang a salami, I'm a lasagna hog.
OK, now write that backwards… it's the same! Cool, huh? You can spell it backwards. I know there is some technical word for that, but whatever. My history teacher told me that yesterday. I really want to meet someone who thinks up that kind of stuff… They definitely have way too much time on their hands.
Well, anyway you guys probably want some info on the next chapter. Well, here you go:
They Found You on the Bathroom Floor: Chris knows, but Lorelai still has to tell Rory. Rory comes home to find her mother crying, and wants to know what happened. The truth comes out, and Lorelai runs to Luke… but it's never just that easy.