Chapter 12

HUH?

"HELLO CLASS!" Professor Sally said, later that day. "BEFORE WE BEGIN THE CLASS, LETS START OFF WITH HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, THEME SONG! WHOEVER KNOWS IT RAISE THEIR HANDS!"

Nobody moved.

"OK! I'LL PLAY IT FOR YOU ON THIS PIANO I GOT!"

He sat down at the piano, and banged his head against it, making a very loud BONG sound. Everybody covered their ears

"HAPPY!" Professor Sally screamed. He banged his head against it again, and screamed "HAPPY!"

Then he banged his head against it several times while screaming "HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY…" After about fifteen minutes, he stopped. He faced the students who were staring at him in disbelief.

"AND WHOEVER DOESN'T DO IT, GETS DETENTION!" He screamed. "NOW LET'S START! STUDENTS, YOU SING THE WORDS, I'LL PLAY THE MELODY!"

Hermonie raised her hand. "Professor Sall," She said. "What does have to do with Defense Against the Dark Arts?"

Sally stared at her, as if trying to figure out what she had just said. At last he said, "This will be your protection against... uh... hmmm. what was his name again?" Sally squinted one eye, and rolled the other into the back of his head. "OH! Now I remember!" he said. "Vopy-dee-fort!"

There was a long moment of silence.

The few people who figured out who Sally was talking about, rolled their eyes and whispered to each other, "We're doomed".Sally gave the class his happy hamster 'Duh' look.

"NOW LET'S SING!" he said, stupidly.

Everybody was too shocked to sing anything. But Sally had banged his head against the piano, and was waiting. Everyone grumpily screamed, "HAPPY!" Sally's head came with contact with the piano, and everyone screamed "HAPPY!"

BONG! "HAPPY!" BONG, BONG, BONG! "HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!" But no one noticed Calvin screaming "PROFESSOR SALLY IS A BABBLING IDIOT!" instead of "HAPPY!"

After he was done torturing everyone, he stood up. Purple bruises covered his face, but that didn't cover up a lunatic grin.

"Today..." He said. "We will face Boogers! A kind of animal often known to turn into your worst fear!"

Hermonie raised her hand.

"Yes, miss Gardener?" Sally said.

"Excuse me sir, but their called Bogarts. And we already know how to deal with them."

Sally gave her a looney stare.

"Well," He said. "This will be your reviews! Now UP! I got a good one right here!"

Everyone stood up.

"It's in that chest of drawers!" Sally said pointing at a chest of drawers. "I'll go first." Sally walked up to the drawer, and opened it.

A television set popped out. There was a news reporter on it.

"And for the weather -" the reporter said.

Sally's eyes popped open. "AAAAA! NO! NOT THE WEATHER!" he yelled. Everyone was staring at Sally in disbelief.

"Today," the weather man said. "A 100 chance of WEATHER!"

"AAAAAA! TO... MUCH... REALITY!" Sally screamed holding his head.

"And now," the news reporter said, "we go to ace reporter, Hugh."

"Thank you, Jack," ace reporter Hugh said. "We regret to inform you that the Happy, Happy, Happy show has been CANCELED!"

That did it. Sally started running around in circles, screaming his head off, and stumbling over a dead spider that was in the middle of the room. Calvin pushed everyone away.

"Move, aside, and make way for the master!" He walked up to the Bogart.

CRACK!

The Bogart had taken one look at Calvin, and turned into a bug eyed monster with yellow hair, sharp teeth, and tentacles flying in every direction.

Calvin watched it with a look of total terror, then held up his wand.

"RIDIKKULLIS" he yelled.

CRACK!

The monster's brain shot out of his head, then started stumbling around saying, "DUH!" Calvin had a wide grin on his face, as the monster walked into walls, and tripped over the dead spider.

Then Hobbes walked up to Bogart.

CRACK!

There sat a wolverine. It stared up at Hobbes with an evil gleam in it's beady eyes. Hobbes took several steps backward, Then raised his wand.

"RIDIKKULLIS" he said.

CRACK!

The wolverine suddenly started banging his head against the wall, saying, "DUH!" Hobbes grinned. Calvin glared at him.

"My fear had more taste than yours!" said Hobbes.

After Sall had gotten control of himself, He walked back up to the class.

"Now," he said. "We will study de-blenders!"

"Don't you mean dementors?" asked Lavender Brown.

"Neither am I." said the lunatic professor. "Now, who can make a pro-tron-us?"

Harry raised his hand, but Calvin pushed everyone out of the way. "I can defeat a dementor! EASY!"

"Hairy Potter! Please step up first!"

Harry stepped up onto the stage above the class, but Calvin pointed his wand at Harry and had yelled. "knocka!"

A blast of energy shot Harry out of Calvin's way, and he walked up to the stage.

"Hey!" yelled the deranged professor. "That wasn't very nice!"

"I am Harry!" Calvin said. "Look at my forehead." Sally squinted at Calvin's blank forehead.

"Well, I'll be, you are Hairy! Never mind." The entire class stared at Sally in disbelief, but they had to stop when Calvin yelled "EXPECTO-PATRONUM!"

Would you like to guess what shot out of Calvin's wand?

Nope, not a tiger.

It was a complete silver duplicate of himself! The patronus looked around.

"WHERE'S THE DEMENTOR!" it screamed. "LEMME AT HIM! LEMME AT HIM!" It started throwing it's fists into the air, and continued yelling.

"WAS IT YOU?" It pointed a silver finger at Neville, who was too stunned to reply.

"IT'S HIM!" the patronus screamed, jabbing it's finger at Neville. "SOMEBODY TACKLE HIM!"

Nobody moved.

"DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!"

The Calvin patronus jumped Neville.

"AAAA! HELP!" Neville screamed

"Dispatus!" Yelled Hermonie. The patronus disapeared. Meanwhile, Calvin was laughing his head off. Nobody could tell if Sally was interested in the situation… or what was hanging out of his nose.

"Alright class, that's it." said Sally. "Just the homework is left."

Calvin's laughter faded. "HOMEWORK!" he yelled.

"Yup." said the stupid... er said Sally. "Here's the homework: you must cleanse your nose of gunk." There was a long throbbing moment of silence.

"You're not saying..."

Calvin slapped his forehead.

"Yup." said the overgrown idiot who pretended to be a professor. "Please, do it for a week, then save it in a jar. Give the jars to me for further research on boogoghraphy."

Calvin screamed in his face. "YOU WANT US TO PICK OUR NOSES, AND GIVE YOU THE RESULTS?"

"Yup." said the brainless monkey. "It's due next Monday."

"YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT! WE REFUSE TO DO IT!"

"Whoever doesn't do it has detention for the rest of the term." said the idiot.

"WON'T WORK, BUDDY!"

"…singing the HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY song with me for the rest of the term!"

Calvin's eyes bulged. "YOU… YOU… YOU IDIOT! You're the… KNOCKUS!" A huge blast of hot energy blasted right into Sally.

The professor crashed into the wall.

"HEY! THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!" Calvin did it again. Sally stood up. "Naughty Calvin! 200 points to Griffondor!"

Everyone in the classroom stared at Sally. Hobbes yanked Calvin away from the lunatic before he got an Askaban life sentence.

"Calvin," whispered Hobbes, "do you realise what you've just done? You just earned Griffondor 200 House Points!"

Calvin was speechless.

"Still..." Calvin said. "I'm gonna ACE this homework!" He rubbed his hands together and chuckled to himself. Hobbes rolled his eyes. Nobody else was as happy as Calvin.

Later, they had History of Magic. Calvin sat in the classroom, staring passively into Professor Binns who was droning on about some kind of elf invasion.

Of course, Calvin was in his own little world.

"Spaceman Spiff plans his daring escape from the evil Binns. Who dares to try to put Spiff into a passive slumber! HIS FIENDISH PLAN SHALL NOT SUCCEED!" he thought.

Calvin took hold of his history book, leaped onto the table, and slammed the book into Lavender Brown's head.

"WAKE UP! HE HAS YOU IN HIS TRACE! WAKE UP!" he screamed. He slammed the book Malfoy, Ron, Harry, Lavender, Seamus Finnigan, and everyone else there.

Binns stared Calvin in disbelief, as he kicked the door open, and screamed, "MAKE A RUN FOR IT! HE'S DISCOVERED OUR PLOT! RUN MY FELLOW SPACEMEN! RU-U-U-U-N!" Everyone glared murderously at Calvin as he continued to babble meaningless phrases.

Things got worse at Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid was showing the group some Blackers.

"Make 'em mad, and they make 'ya blind in five seconds." said Hagrid.

One thin, black creature looked over the crowd. It's eyes fell on Calvin. Calvin shoved everyone out of the way, and walked up to the Blacker.

"HI!" he yelled. The Blacker rose up, and bellowed. Hagrid was too shocked to say or do anything. Calvin glared at the Blacker as it glared back.

"I have a box of Chocolate Frosted Sagur Bombs." he said. Calvin pulled a box of his cereal out of thin air.

He flipped a piece into the creature's mouth. The Blacker chewed it up.

"'Ya like that?" asked Calvin. The Blacker nodded, and stared eagerly at Calvin.

"They're kinda bland till ya scoop some sugar on it." Calvin used his wand, and sprinkled sugar onto the already sugary treat.

"CALVIN, DON'T DO THAT!" yelled Hobbes. "Eating that entire box of cereal at once is like drinking over twenty cups of coffee!"

Too late. Calvin already heaved the box into the monster's mouth. All at once, it stiffened as it chewed. It spasmed for a few seconds, then it began bouncing all over the place. Calvin laughed insanely as it crashed into Hagrid, bombarded Ron, and pulverized Malfoy.

Later that day, in the common room, Harry told Ron and Hermonie about Trelawney's prediction, and the similarities between them and the dream. Ron shook his head. "I don't think they were Calvin and Hobbes, Harry."

Just then Calvin leaped out from behind the chair. He wore a red cape and hood.

"STUPENDOUS MAN BLASTS THROUGH THE AIR! ZAAAPWING!" He yelled. He ran over toward a Ginny who hadn't seen him. "BAAAAAAAAHHH!" Calvin screamed throwing his arms into the air. Ginny screamed and ran off. Calvin laughed insanely.

"Now I do." Ron said, staring at the lunatic boy that was bolting around the common room, like an insane rabbit.

Harry lay in bed that night, thinking about his dream. Were Calvin and Hobbes really the two figures he saw in his dream? For a long time, he just stared at the ceiling. Then his alarm sounded.

It was ten minutes to nine.

Harry got out of bed, and slipped on his invisibility cloak, and walked outside. He walked down the corridors, towards Dumbledore's office. On the way, he spotted Professor Sall Deen. Sall's tongue was stuck to the wall.

"G'eat tuick Feeves!" he said to Peeves the Poltergeist. "Now how do you undo it?"

"'Ya don't!" cackled Peeves. Still cackling, he flew off.

Harry passed them by. At last Harry came to gargoyle.

"Yellow sucker." whispered Harry. The gargoyle leapt out of the way for Harry. He walked into the office.

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk.

"Hello, Harry." said Dumbledore calmly. Harry took off the cloak.

"Thank you for coming. You've met Mr. Sall Deen?"

"Yes." said Harry.

"Well, come here."

Harry walked up to Dumbledore. Suddenly, Sally stepped into the room. Harry's eyes bulged.

"HI!" Sally screamed. "WAS MY APPEARANCE DRAMATIC ENOUGH?"

Harry didn't know how Sally'd gotten his tongue unstuck, but all at once he didn't care. He was more interested in what Dumbledore had to say.

"Harry," Dumbledore said slowly. "Sirius Black is ALIVE!"

HUH?