The Hardest Thing is Letting Go (Chapter 10)
Three weeks later…
Nathan sat down at TRIC with Lucas, Brooke, Taylor, Tom, Peyton and Jake. They had not all seen each other in weeks. Brooke went to a fashion school now that was in another city where she now lived. They had not seen her in more than four or five months and Nathan actually found himself missing her and they hated each other. It was weird. Taylor had finished telling her all of the gossip, including the tidbit that Nathan had gotten a girl pregnant. Brooke looked shocked to say the least. She turned to look at him.
"I thought you were dating Haley," she said to him and then turned to Lucas. "Isn't that what you told me?"
"I was," Nathan said. "Things didn't work out."
Peyton, who usually kept out of their conversations, shocked everyone when it was her that scoffed at the statement. "I think you should at least be man enough to admit the truth, Nathan," she said. He looked at her in annoyance.
"What is she talking about?" Brooke asked, looking around the table nervously. Something big had obviously happened while she was away and she got the feeling that it was centred around Haley and Nathan. She had been shocked when Taylor had told her that Nathan had chosen Haley over her, but then she realized that Haley was really better for Nathan and Taylor was better off without him.
In a letter that she had written Haley, she had expressed how happy she was for her. She had told Haley that even though it seemed like she took Taylor's side, she was on her side this time. Haley's response had been grateful but she had managed to point out that it didn't seem like Brooke took Taylor's side all the time, it was what happened.
"I cheated on Haley," Nathan said. "I had sex with another girl and got her pregnant." He looked at Brooke in annoyance and Brooke looked away from him.
"Why?" was all Brooke could manage to say. Nathan didn't answer her. He just glared at her. So Brooke turned to Peyton. "How is Haley?" she asked.
Peyton looked at Maria and they smirked. "She's strong," Peyton said cryptically. Brooke got the message. Haley was miserable, but she was pulling through. Brooke nodded.
"Well, I hate to cut this short, but Tamyra has a doctor's appointment in the morning and I promised I would go with her," Nathan said, getting up and leaving.
Nathan was walking around aimlessly. He had a general idea of where he was headed: home, but he was taking the very scenic route. So he was lying through his teeth about the appointment. He just knew that he needed to get out of there before they got into how Haley was really doing. He had not seen her in a few weeks, so he didn't really know how she was, but he did know that she was still upset. Why else would Peyton and Maria be giving him death glares all the time?
He knew without a doubt that everyone was going to be filling Brooke in on everything that had happened; from the time that Haley and he had first started dating, to the time when Haley and Taylor had gotten in a major blow out over him to when he had slept with Tamyra to Haley's reaction when she found out that Tamyra was pregnant. He didn't even want to think about what Haley's reaction would be if she found out that he and Tamyra were living together now.
He walked into the off-campus apartment he shared with Tamyra. They slept in different rooms, of course, but they had both agreed that they needed to be under the same roof especially for when the baby arrived. "I know that you still care about Haley, Nathan, and I understand that. You and she were together for a while and you loved each other. I know it will take time before you're ready to welcome me back in your bed and I'm willing to wait," Tamyra had said.
What very few people realized is that Nathan and Haley had never slept together in the nine months that they had dated. He had wanted to, but had respected Haley's wishes of waiting. In a way, maybe it was a good thing that they never had. It would just make it that much more painful for them to let go of their relationship. The last time he had seen her, she had admitted that she was still holding on and though he was now technically involved with someone else, he still carried the memories of the things they shared with him.
Tamyra poked her head into his room and smiled. "Oh, it is you. I'm glad you're back," she said. He nodded at her and smiled. "Um, I'm going to my parents for the weekend," she announced.
He looked at her in surprise. "For how long?"
Tamyra shrugged. "At least two weeks. I'm not really sure how long. They want me to be there when they tell everyone that I'm pregnant. They wanted you to come," she said. He looked at her warningly. "But I told them that it wasn't a good idea." He sighed. She smirked.
"Do you need a ride?" he asked considerately.
"No, that's ok. My brother's coming to get me in a few minutes. I wouldn't mind help with bringing my bag out to the car, though," she said, smiling. He nodded and followed her into the living room where she had one suitcase packed to the rim. He closed in effortlessly and followed her out of the apartment, down the hall, to the elevator and to the front of the building where her brother Miles was waiting.
A day later…
Haley walked out of her afternoon vocal training class and continued reading the sheet before she bumped into someone. Right away her flute, guitar and papers had dropped out of her hands. "Oh, just perfect," she said. The other person had just kept on walking, not even offering to help her up.
"And the klutz returns," a familiar sounding voice said. Haley looked up to see her sister Brooke smiling at her in amusement. She walked closer and helped Haley up and then hugged her. "Hey, little sis," she said as she pulled away.
"Brooke, what are you doing here?" she asked in surprise after they had picked all of her things up and were walking towards her dorm.
"I have the week off from school. I missed everybody so here I am in Tree Hill visiting," she said chuckling. Haley opened the door to her and Maria's room and put things down. Brooke plopped down on Haley's bed and looked around. "Wow. This is not a bad room," she said. Haley shrugged.
"I guess," she said inertly.
Brooke looked around the room and noticed that on Haley's desk there were a few notebooks. "What are those?" she asked. Haley looked over at what she was pointing at and smiled.
"Oh, those are songbooks," she said. Brooke's face clouded with confusion. "I'm taking a composing course and we have to have two books that we write songs in. The first is just lyrics. The second is actually music on the staff and everything. Whether we include words or not is our choice in that one," Haley explained. Brooke got up and walked over to the desk. She looked at the first one with lyrics and then the other one.
"Hales, these books are almost finished," she pointed out in amazement. Haley shrugged.
"I have a lot of thoughts these days," Haley said. She walked over to her bed and put the guitar case next to it. Brooke folded her arms across her chest in annoyance. This person was not her sister and she was slowly getting irritated with Haley's detached manner.
"All right, Haley. Sit down. We need to talk," Brooke said firmly. Haley looked at her in confusion but sat down cross legged on her bed. Brooke came over and sat down with her. "Haley, I know about what happened with you and Nathan," she announced. Haley tried to conceal her emotions but it was too late. Brooke saw the pain that washed onto her features at the mention of his name.
"I don't feel like talking about that," she said stiffly. Brooke smirked and shrugged.
"Too bad," she said. "Taylor told me you were upset, but even she was understating things. You are clearly devastated." Annoyance crept onto Haley's features at the mention of Taylor.
"Yeah, well, Taylor should mind her own business," she said angrily. Brooke looked at her in surprise. At least Haley was expressing her feelings.
"She's worried about you," Brooke offered. Haley laughed bitterly.
"I bet," Haley said.
"She is, Hales. We all are," Brooke said, thinking back to the conversation that had provoked her to come and visit Haley at school instead of just calling her.
"We?" Haley repeated.
"Lucas, Peyton, Taylor, Maria and I are all very worried about how you're handling the Nathan situation," she said in a concerned tone. Haley shook her head.
"First of all, it's none of your business. I don't need you all having secret meetings about me. I'm fine now so there's no Nathan situation anymore," Haley said.
"Just so you know, I don't believe you for a second, but just on the off chance that you've actually convinced yourself that that's true, it might interest you to know that Nathan is now living with Tamyra," Brooke said. Haley turned her head and looked at her sister. She was untouched by the news. Either Haley really was over Nathan like she said she was or… she already knew.
"That news is of the past," Haley confirmed.
"How did you find out?" Brooke asked in surprise.
"The gossip is never ending at this place. Do you know that someone actually printed it into the school newspaper's gossip column. It said something like 'The Big Basketball Star is now not only broken up with his old girlfriend but shacking up with the girl he cheated on her with and got pregnant.'" Haley said.
"And how do you feel about that?" Brooke asked.
"About what?" Haley asked. Brooke glared at her.
"Don't play dumb, Haley. You know what I mean," Brooke said.
"I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to think about it, Brooke. It's really not my business," Haley said.
"That Nathan is living with another girl?" Brooke asked doubtfully. Haley nodded.
"It's not my problem anymore and there's something strangely liberating about that knowledge," Haley said.
"You know, you're good. You almost sound like you believe what you're saying," Brooke said. "But I don't believe it."
Haley was glad when Lucas called and then Brooke left to go on her date. She was getting a little tired of her sister's "advice" which was more like a lecture on what Haley was really feeling. Shouldn't she be the expert on that? They were, after all, her feelings.
You know very well that you were lying, a voice inside her mind chanted. Haley smirked in agreement. Sure she knew that she still loved Nathan and the news that he was now living with Tamyra didn't exactly thrill her. Haley was sure she could win the award for best bluff when she pretended to already know that Nathan and Tamyra were living together. How the heck could she have known about it? It wasn't like she hung out in the cafeteria and talked to other students. She never went there anymore.
She hung out in her room and went to classes because all she wanted to do was work. She didn't want another relationship. She didn't want to think about Nathan. She didn't want to miss him. She didn't want to wonder if he was happy with Tamyra or if he missed or thought of her at all. She definitely didn't want to run into him.
A month later…
It seemed as if the universe was not on her side as Haley bumped into someone the second time that day. "Oh, I'm so sorry," the guy said as he scrambled to help her to her feet. "I wasn't looking." Haley chuckled as she reached out and then their hands touched. Nathan. The universe definitely wasn't on her side. She looked up at him and each of them was frozen in place still holding hands.
"Don't worry about it," Haley said after a few seconds had passed. She picked up her book bag and brushed the grass off her pants and started to walk away.
"Haley, wait," he said helplessly. It had been so long since he'd seen her. Things had changed for him now. She and Tamyra were still living together, but not in a romantic way at all. Tamyra had found herself a boyfriend when she came back from her parents and he now lived with them. Of course Nathan would still be involved in her pregnancy.
Haley froze in mid step for a second. Then, she continued to walk away. "I just want to talk to you," he called out after her. Now she stopped and turned around. Her arms were folded over her chest as she looked at him wordlessly.
"I don't think there's anything to say that we already haven't said," she said and shrugged.
"How about we just go and grab something to eat?" he asked. She looked at him incredulously. "Please. I really miss just talking to you," he said.
"Nathan, I don't think that's such a good idea," Haley said, shaking her head.
"Why not?" he asked.
"You know why," she said simply but her voice shook with emotion. He nodded.
"Then, why don't we just ignore all that? We used to hang out all the time. Let's just hang out and be friends," he said.
"But we're not friends," Haley said. He looked at her pleadingly. "And you're deluded if you think we can ever be friends again."
"We can at least try, can't we?" he asked. Haley shook her head. "Why not?"
"Because things are different now, Nathan. It isn't like when we first met. You're not the guy that was still hung up on Taylor and I'm not the alienated girl who just came home. There's too much baggage between us now," she said.
"So, we'll be friends who used to date," he said. Haley smirked at his naiveté.
"That's an urban legend," she said.
"Haley, come on. I'm trying to make an effort here," he said.
"Well, stop making an effort. All you're doing is making things worse," she said. He sighed.
"I thought you would be somewhat passed it by now," he said. Haley looked at him in confusion. "I know I made a fool out of you and I'm sorry," Nathan said. Haley stiffened.
"Do you really think this is about that? I fall on my face at least ten times a day, Nathan. I can deal with a little embarrassment," Haley said. He looked at her helplessly. "You hurt me really badly. It's not like I can just flick a switch and the pain instantly goes away."
"So then what do we do?" he asked.
"I think it's best if we stay away," she said. He looked at her in alarm. "We should keep our distance until a lot of time has passed. Given enough time we should be able to forget." He shook his head and walked over to her and kissed her firmly. They both clung to each other in desperation. It had been so long since he'd held her; he had forgotten how at ease she made him feel.
"We've been apart for four months, Hales. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going crazy not being with you," he said when the kiss ended. Tears sprang to her eyes.
"Well, you're the one who screwed up, Nathan. Not me," she said. He looked at her in surprise.
"I told you that I never meant for that to happen," he said.
"You don't mean for a lot of things to happen, but they do. And I'm sorry but I don't know if I can take it anymore," she said, backing away and leaving.
"Wow. You really thought she would take you back?" Jake asked in amusement. Nathan glared at him.
"I know she misses me, Jake. I felt it. She still loves me. I just don't understand why she can't give me a second chance," Nathan said.
"She already gave you a second chance and you hurt her again," Peyton pointed out, coming into the room.
"I made a mistake. It happens," he said defensively.
"No," Peyton said. He looked at her in confusion. "A mistake?"
"Yeah," Nathan replied.
"No. A mistake is when you call someone by the wrong name or when you throw out your credit card bill. That's a mistake. What you did; that's a betrayal," Peyton said angrily.
"Yes, but it was also a mistake. People do make them and, wow, sometimes they're actually forgiven," he said. Peyton smirked.
"But not Haley, right? Because this is what it's all about. She doesn't forgive you. I told you that you really did it this time, Nathan. You really hurt her," Peyton said.
"I don't need to be reminded of that, thanks," he said.
"I think you do," Peyton said. "You and Haley are over because of something you did, Nathan. It's not fair for you to go to her and tell her you want her back now that she has some semblance of a life again. I think she's right; you need to stay away from each other. Let her go."
"I can't," he said.
"Why?" Jake and Peyton asked.
"Because I love her." Nathan said simply. They both looked at him sympathetically.