This is the first fanfic I've written in a loooooong time, but I'm going to try to update this once a month. This is probably the weirdest fanfic I've ever written and it just gets weirder. But please be kind, this was really embarrassing to write.
Music: I was listening to Death cab for Cutie while writing this, my dad complained they were too depressing, but their songs fit the mood for this story.
Pairings: eventual 1x2, past 2xH and 1x2, one-sided 2+H, brief 2xHelen, mentioned ?xH and 3+4
Warnings: undertones of yaoi, het, mature themes, Duo angst galore, well meaning Hilde resulting in horrible results, mentioned feelings/premonitions, Duo's POV, general weirdness
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Kindness Hurts
Prologue
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The day was sunny, the bitter cold of winter was an almost forgotten aftertaste as spring began its reign. I was 29, and about to be married, more accurately I was going to be stood up. My fiancée, a lovely lady by the name of Hilde Schbeiker, was in love with another man. Oh, she had been in denial for almost a year now, but finally she was going to admit her feelings. I just wish, for her sake, that she would have admitted to it before our wedding day. Its funny, I knew since the moment we met that she'd leave me, it was just a feeling I had had, but still, when she had asked me out I hadn't said no. I couldn't say no, because from the first moment I met her, while I knew she would eventually leave me, I had also known I would fall hopelessly in love with her. It was things like this that made me realize just how pathetic I was.
Sighing softly I patiently waited, watching the excited faces in front of me I felt a moment of guilt. They had come to see a ceremony of union and joy, only to see a lone man waiting for a bride who will never come. It had been selfish of me to have asked Hilde to marry me, knowing that she would leave me, my request had been cruel. I added yet another regret she was going to have to bear as she ran to the man she loved.
It hadn't been that hard to figure out. The missed dinners, the guilty looks, everything she had done pointed to her change of feelings, and yet I had not wanted to admit it, choosing to delude myself into thinking she was still in love with me. Oh, she still loved me, but she was no longer in love with me. I wish she didn't love me at all, then this would be easier on her. But, this proves that she really loves him, the fact that she was willing to accept the guilt of lying to me and still go to him, how can I compete with that?
I can still remember how she had looked this morning, flashes of guilt in her eyes as she constantly averted them, pale childlike hands trembling, how she nervously tugged at her raggedy sweat shirt, an endearing habit, but mostly I remembered her forced smile as she pretended to look forward to our union. We had been together for two years, she had been in love with me for fourteen months, then she had met him. It hadn't happened suddenly, a light had been lit and the flame continued to grow until I could no longer reach her.
But even so, I had continued with this farce. I would have continued until it was too late for her to back out...this kind of love she wouldn't be able to understand. The need to keep someone even when they're already gone, to hold them when all their warmth is elsewhere, to breathe them in only to smell nothing but memories, all the while knowing that they will never be mine.
I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you.
If I had said that would she have stayed, who am I kidding, I have never been able to stop the ones who love me from leaving. I had thought I had grown past this, I had thought I would never put myself, or anyone else, through this again. I had thought that maybe, just maybe, things would be different this time. Maybe, just maybe, she would stay.
I should apologize to her next time we meet, knowing her it would be soon, she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't appease her feelings of guilt. I had hurt her unnecessarily, I would make sure she understands that it I was alright. I just wanted her to be happy, I've hurt her enough for my selfish wishes. It was enough, it had to be enough, because she had already left me.
Howie was walking towards me, his face grim, in his had a yellow envelope. I felt cold, it was truly over. Firming my resolve I try to think of what to say to her when she comes to visit me, tomorrow was too soon but that was her decision. I'd have to make sure it was comforting and upbeat. She was prone to cry and immense herself in her feelings when she felt she was the cause of others pain. This would be no different.
"Kid," Howie's voice, foreign with harshness, said. "I'm sorry, she's gone." He's always been frank, I admire that in him.
Wordlessly I held out my hand, he gave me the envelope reluctantly, his wrinkled hand trembling as he did. I would have to make this up to Howie as well, he had been looking forward to me being married and I had led him on never telling him that Hilde would leave. I had raised his hopes and made it seem as if she was the one to have crushed them. Truly, selfishness has a heavy price.
Carefully I opened the envelope taking out the letter she had placed so carefully inside. The guests were now whispering, it was obvious what had happened.
Blocking them I felt a bitter smile twist my lips, her familiar scrawl glared up at me, or perhaps I glared down. I already knew what she had to say, but still I read the lines I knew I would remember until death.
Duo,
I'm so sorry. I have ruined everything, I'm so confused. I honestly wanted to marry you, it's been my dream since the first night we had been together to wear your ring, but I can't stop myself from wanting him. I've never met anyone like him, he's so smart and has this cute dry wit. He makes me feel serious, he always treats me as if I was the only one in his world. I've never felt this way, not even with you. I'm so sorry, I know I've done something I shouldn't be forgiven for, but I can't marry you. Not the way I'm feeling now, I'd only end up hurting you and him. Please don't think badly of me. I wouldn't be able to bear it.
Carefully folding the crisp white sheet, I placed it back in the yellow envelope. I better start looking for a new apartment, I would have to move out of Hilde's, even if she moved out the memories would still be there, it was best just to find a new place all together. Really, what a pain.