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Chapter Fifty-one
Marita moved about the kitchen, concluding her cleaning of the room, while struggling to fight off nausea and the exhaustion she felt. It had been days since she'd gotten a good night of sleep, and as a result she was so tired; tired in her body; tired in her mind, needing sleep, wanting Sean. Sean was the source of all of her unrest; why she couldn't eat, could hardly keep it together and spent most nights tossing and turning. She couldn't get him out of her mind, out of her heart and in all honesty she didn't want to, she confessed within as she now put on a pot of milk, hoping that a warm cup would settle her stomach. She didn't want to forget Sean, and she didn't want to stop loving him. But she had to try if she was going to move forward with her life. And she had to move forward with her life, because it was for the best. It was for the best that she and Sean remained apart, she weakly reasoned, knowing in heart that it wasn't for the best, especially if she were indeed carrying his child. Marita closed her eyes, hurting inside at the conflict between her mind and her soul as a strong wave of nausea suddenly rushed through her, making her feel weak, like she would faint right there. But she held herself together, managing to move away from the stove and over to the nearby counter, where she leaned against the structure for support. "I have to stop this." She softly uttered aloud, thinking how the angst she was feeling wasn't good for her health or the health of the baby she might be carrying. Marita sighed, now silently praying for the strength to go on, when the sound of knocking drew her from her prayer. Not moving right away, Marita stood there a moment to fully gather her strength. Then she slowly moved from the counter and went to answer the door, leaving the milk that she was warming unattended on the stove...
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Vivian barely noticed the beautiful nature around her, displaying the last remnants of Fall as her carriage quickly moved towards the Logan Ranch, towards a future she knew was waiting for her there. The woman felt happy and anxious, the same way she'd felt the night of the Assemblyman's Dinner she now recalled, with a hint of foreboding in her heart, but she quickly pushed the negative inklings aside, knowing that things would turn out much differently today. For after today, no one would say again that she'd lost Sean Logan to a Negro, because today he was going to reaffirm their wedding plans and within weeks they'd finally be married. Vivian smiled with triumphant, now musing that she always got what she wanted. Before she then eagerly called out to her coachman to go faster, so that she could get to Sean, her future husband, sooner than he expected.
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Sean gazed out at the beautiful land before him, the endless acres of green grass, glistening in the morning rays. He was thinking, continuing his rumination from the night before, trying to sort things out. Sean lightly kicked the horse's side, prompting it to resume the trek south, towards the main part of the ranch, while he continued to ponder all that had happened and all that was due to happen. Vivian would be there soon, he mused with rising ire, now remembering that the woman was joining him for breakfast, and it would be then that he'd confront her about her lies, before ridding his life of her for good. Sean angrily scoffed to himself as he again recalled the events of the night before, specifically his conversation with Wilhelmina. He wasn't shocked by the woman's revelation about Vivian, about her lying about her lost memory. For he'd begun to suspect that were the case, after the visit he'd received from Asa. However, he'd been stunned to learn how deep Vivian's manipulating went. That she'd actually blackmailed her father with what she knew about the attack, so that he would help her get him back. It was utterly astonishing to hear Wilhelmina account Vivian's duplicitous plan. And it filled him with rage to think of how she'd used his guilt over everything that had happened to get attention and sympathy from him; how she'd used one of the most horrible things to ever happen to him as a tool to further manipulate his regard for her. Sean had been seething, and he wanted to confront her – immediately. But he couldn't allow himself to challenge her right then. For his anger was so great that he didn't know what he would've done. So after Wilhelmina left he'd waited, remaining in his office for he didn't know how long, trying to cool his wrath. But his temper only increased, fueled by the events of the past, fueled by all that he'd planned going to hell. His mind had raced with memories of Marita, all the years they'd spent together, growing up and making choices, falling in love and trying to let go. He thought of their time in Cholena. How they were so sure that it would all work out. But Holmes had been right he'd thought. His pa had been right. Isaac had been right, and even Marita had been right he'd admitted with pain as he'd then recalled the mess at the Assemblyman's Dinner, and all of the ramifications it had caused: the attack, people detesting him and his family; the problems on his job, the manipulations of Vivian and his breakup with Marita. Sean had nearly exploded, nearly roared with every emotion that had been racing through him. But instead he'd broke down in a fury of tears, allowing everything he'd felt over the past few weeks to flow from his heart, allowing his rage to gradually subside, as he then asked how things had gotten so out of control. How did it get to this point where he was without Marita? And now how was he going to live without her? How was he going to live, loving her and missing her the way he did? Those were the questions that had plagued his soul. What had kept him awake most of the night, and what had sent him out riding this morning. But he'd found no answers, nothing that would make it easier for him to live without Marita, Sean now concluded with grief, as the stables and the Logan home now came into view. Because it was impossible. His heart insisted. It was not meant to be; for him and Marita to live their lives apart. But they had to live their lives apart his logic stressed, reminding him again of all the bad things that had been foretold; how it had all come to past. He had to live without her Sean resolved with frail conviction and deep angst, now thinking of his encounter with her the day before; how wonderful it had been to see her and talk to her. He had to be strong, he now told himself with forced strength. He had to defeat his heart, the sweetness that was the very essence of his soul, and do what was best for everyone. What was best for Marita, which was letting her go.
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Marita thanked Sarah again for returning the basket; then quickly shut the door before the woman could voice the concern that was in her eyes. For a moment Marita stood against the door, holding the large basket under her arm as she took deep breaths, in and out, trying to ease the sickness and the anguish she felt within. God help me she silently cried, still thinking of Sean and now remembering all that she had to do; how she had to get her and her pa packed and ready to leave for Louisville. Marita heaved a mournful sigh, then forced herself to move away from the door, while again praying for strength, as she made her way down the hall towards the bedrooms. Within seconds she was entering her pa's personal space, choosing to pack him first because she wasn't ready to start packing herself. Marita then placed the basket on the floor, deciding to use it to collect her pa's soiled clothing. Before she then began to move about the room, listlessly gathering up the clothes that were scattered about, when she came across a wool blazer that she instantly knew didn't belong to her father. For a moment Marita studied the familiar jacket, trying to remember where she'd seen it before, when suddenly she realized that it belonged to "Sean" She gasped. The ache in her heart intensifying at the utterance of his name. It was the jacket he'd worn the night of the attack, she quickly deduced. For they'd found it in the woods nearby a beat up Sean, she now recalled. Marita remembered having the blazer with her when they'd made their way back to the ranch, but after that, she couldn't recall what had happened to it. How in the world did it get here? She now questioned with confusion and pain, as the memory of how she and Jeremy had found Sean in the woods rushed through her heart. She then slowly removed the jacket from its awkward position on the chair, which caused something from its pocket to fall to the floor. Marita immediately looked to the floor and saw that it was a piece of paper that looked a bit worn. She then put the jacket down, as well as the other clothes that she'd been holding. And then retrieved the paper from the floor, which brought on a spell of dizziness, prompting her to take a seat in the chair before her. For a second Marita sat still and waited for the wooziness to pass. Then unfolded the paper to see what it was. A gasped instantly escaped her lips and her heart began to pound with love and anticipation, when she saw the date at the top of the page, then saw her name a few spaces down. This was the letter she mused with excitement and disbelief; this was the letter that never reached her before she went to Cholena. This was the letter that she'd begged Sean to tell her about; the letter that he'd written to her. Marita's heart rushed with so many emotions and her eyes misted with tears, but she wouldn't allow the feelings to flow, not until she'd finished reading Sean's words...
July 31, 1887
Dear Marita,
I hope that this letter finds you well, that the ailment you suffered earlier today has passed and that you are feeling yourself again. You're probably wondering why I'm writing you a letter when you live only a few yards away. But it's because I won't see you for the next couple of weeks, and I don't want to wait to tell you what I need to say.
I love you. I've known it since that day we got caught in the rainstorm, perhaps even before then, and I don't want to hide it anymore. I want the world to know that you are my strength, that you inspire the passion in my heart, and that your love is what holds the peace in my soul. I want the world to know, I want you to know that you are my everything, and I don't want to spend another day building a life without you. Thus, when I return from Louisville, I plan to resign my political post, so that we can have a chance at a future. I know that you're probably thinking that it's too much for me to give up my political career for us, but let me assure you it's not. I believe in you, and I believe in us. And so I know that no matter what society's conventions are, we can have the life that we want together.
I know that this is a lot to divulge in a letter and that you're probably feeling and thinking so much right now. But what I want you to do is to forget the doubts, and the fears that may be troubling your thoughts, and just trust in your heart and everything that we feel for each other. All will be well. Trust me, and know that it will be.
I'll see you soon. I already miss you. I love you.
Sean
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Marita sat there staring at the words before her as tears endlessly streamed down her cheeks and her heart ached with longing and joy, while her soul flooded with warmth at how incredible Sean Logan was. She had to see him, Marita now resolved with love and conviction, finally yielding to the truth in her heart. She had to tell him again, how much loved him. She had to tell him that she wanted a future with him no matter what and that she may be carrying his child – their child. Marita now quickly got up from the chair, struggling through the faintness and sickness she instantly felt, and made her way into the hall, where she was greeted by a billow of smoke and the strong smell of fire. "Oh my God" She voiced with shock; Then pushed herself to move quicker, faster towards the door, knowing that she had to get out of there, that she had to get to Sean, but halfway down the hall the smoke, along with the dizziness and illness she'd been feeling conquered her will, causing her to helplessly crumble to the floor, where she instantly lost consciousness, and now lay prey to the burning world around her…