I do not own Supernatural. Reviews make me SQUEEEE!
So it's difficult to get to Dean's vulnerable side. And I'm not sure I wrote this right, but I needed this chapter; I needed to show Dean's regret, because it's important later, and I felt like the best way to do that was to get him stinking drunk. Let me know what you think... and whether Ember should end up with Cas or Dean. Thanks!
***Ember POV***
Winter
Sam didn't see Dean for nearly two months after the incident with Gadreel. He spent much of his time at the bunker, but he also spent quite a bit of time either on the road or at Ember's house, which was about 3 and a half hours away.
Overall, Sam was at Ember's house at least once a week, and she brought the kids to the bunker at least twice a month, now that Dean was no longer in the picture. Sam made excuses for how often he was coming around – to help with a new kind of angel proofing, for example, or to help teach the kids to fight. Still, Ember suspected that he missed Dean more than he was willing to admit.
Truthfully, his presence and his help were more than welcome, regardless of the reasons. Castiel's angel powers presented a problem for security for the children – while before, they had simply warded the home against angels, it was no longer that simple. Instead, the children's rooms were warded, and the house was covered in cleverly disguised banishing symbols in case of emergency. Castiel, Sam, and Ember worked their schedules so that one of the three of them was always home in case angels came looking for Castiel, and the angel did his best to make sure that he came and went unseen.
The small family spent a memorable Christmas at the bunker. Sam seemed somewhat sad and withdrawn, and Ember commented to Castiel that she was beginning to get used to one Winchester or the other being absent from her life for long periods of time. First it was Sam in the cage, then Sam with no soul, then her break-up with Dean, then Dean in Purgatory, then Sam possessed by an angel so she couldn't be completely open with him, and now Dean attempting to escape his life.
Aside from angel security issues and Winchester drama, however, Ember found that her life couldn't have been better. There was something special about dating an angel that Ember took pride in. Not only was he equal to Dean in looks, but he was incredibly strong physically. It also turned out that Castiel was better in bed as an angel, even, than he had been as a human. Angels, as it turned out, have the ability to coax out or draw out an orgasm, which Ember found to be one of the best things she had ever experienced. It more than made up for the fact that Castiel would never again sleep with her, as Castiel no longer slept at all. Occasionally, he did lie down with her until she fell asleep.
"Is it different now, than it used to be?" she asked him.
"Very much so," he answered. "Food does not taste like it used to. I can taste all of the molecules now, instead of tasting the food as a whole. It's disgusting. I miss the taste of food." He looked at her reflectively. "I don't miss requiring it constantly, though."
Ember looked at him with surprise. "Yeah? What else?" If food was so different, perhaps sex, and love, would be different too.
"I no longer have to do mundane human things," Castiel said. "Like sleep, and urinate." He pulled her toward him, sprawling out farther on her bed as he did so.
"What about sex?" she asked with trepidation.
He grinned widely. "It's much better," he said. "Have you not noticed?"
"I wasn't sure if… if it was good for you, though. Or if you were just doing it because you knew it was what I wanted…"
"I very much enjoy it," he said, quirking a smile at her.
She smiled back at him, tracing a finger down his chest. "And your… your love for me?" He raised an eyebrow. "It's just… I know angels don't feel emotions the same way that humans do," Ember said.
"I loved you when I was human," he answered, nodding. "Now, your powers and your smell, your demon attraction, have added to this love and amplified it even more. My love for you and my desire to help the angels, and my resolve to rectify my failures, are the only emotions I have now that I am once again a celestial being. The everyday problems are no longer a concern, and it leaves more room for more important emotions."
"Okay," she said. "I just… I guess I was worried things have changed."
"If you'd like, I can show you how I feel about you, now," he said, his blue eyes dancing.
"What do you mean?" asked Ember.
Castiel held out two fingers, and gave Ember a look that was clearly a request for permission.
Ember nodded, and Castiel made contact. Suddenly, Ember felt a calmness she'd never experienced before, and with it a feeling of love that was so complete it almost made her want to cry.
"Cas," she whispered. "This is – this is how you feel?"
"Always," he told her, kissing her softly.
***Sam POV***
February 7, Night
Dean and Sam had begun hunting together again after they ran into each other on a case near the end of January… but this didn't mean that Sam was no longer angry with him. As he had told Dean, "I can't trust you – not the way I thought I could. Not the way I should be able to." He'd had terms for hunting with Dean again: "If you want to work, let's work. If you want to be brothers… those are my terms." He could tell Dean was upset about his comment, but it was the best he could do right now.
Sam could tell that his terms bothered Dean, however his brother (as usual) refused to admit that anything was wrong. It was a week later, after a case involving a Peruvian fat sucker, when Dean once again brought up the rift between the two of them. "About what you said the other day," he said.
"I thought it didn't bother you?" Sam said knowingly.
Dean ignored him. "You know, Sam, I saved your hide back there. And I saved your hide at that church. And the hospital. I may not think things all the way through. Okay? But what I do, I do because it's the right thing. I'd do it again."
Sam sighed. He had been waiting for this. "And that... is the problem. You think you're my savior, my brother, the hero. You swoop in, and even when you mess up, you think what you're doing is worth it because you've convinced yourself you're doing more good than bad... But you're not."
Dean stared at him blankly. "I mean, Kevin's dead, Crowley's in the wind. We're no closer to beating this angel thing. You've lost Ember, now, just when you finally had her back, when you told me you'd do anything to get her back. And to Castiel? " Dean reeled back as though he'd been slapped. "I mean, I couldn't help but notice she would've been really handy on a few of the cases we've had over the past few months. And of course, Abbadon's loose, which is also our fault… Please tell me, what is the upside of me being alive?"
Dean's face was working as he went through a range of emotions - angry, furious, guilty, stunned. "You kidding me? You and me - fighting the good fight together," he finally said, desperately.
Sam sighed in frustration, and almost left the room. Ultimately, however, he took a breath and sat down across the table from Dean. "Okay," he said. "Just once, be honest with me. You didn't save me for me. You did it for you."
Dean looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"I was ready to die," Sam said. "I was ready. I should've died, but you… you didn't want to be alone, and that's what all this boils down to. You can't stand the thought of being alone."
Dean drew back and stood up. "All right," he said, rolling his eyes and moving to stand.
"I'll give you this much," said Sam, unwilling for the conversation to be over. "You are certainly willing to do the sacrificing as long as you're not the one being hurt."
"All right, you want to be honest?" Dean said. "If the situation were reversed and I was dying, you'd do the same thing."
"No, Dean, I wouldn't," Sam said softly.
Dean looked at him, obviously shocked. "Same circumstances… I wouldn't. I'm gonna get to bed." And he left Dean standing shocked in their kitchen.
***Ember POV***
February 26
Castiel was constantly busy searching for Metatron, with (so far) no luck. He had fortunately managed to sweep Ember away for a romantic getaway to Miami, but overall he was gone more than he was home. Regardless, he called Ember at exactly the same time every day to check in. Often he would text or call her multiple other times as well.
On February 25th, however, Castiel did not check in, and Ember knew he had been captured. She was sick with worry for two days. Sam and Dean were on a case in Wichita, however, so Ember was unable to seek out Castiel, as her duty was to her children. She wouldn't have known where to start searching, anyway – Castiel never said where he was over the phone, in case something was intercepted.
Only a day later, however Castiel returned, with news: he had killed Bartholomew. Apparently Bartholomew had been killing other angels who were non-violent and refusing to take sides, calling themselves the Penitents. Castiel had refused to join Bartholomew in his killing, and was ultimately forced to kill Bartholomew in self-defense.
"You did the right thing, Cas," she said. She had taken the day off to do some research online about his whereabouts, and he had returned during school hours. They had then had sex for two hours on the living room sofa, and her body was still thrumming from the orgasm. Now, he held her loosely, a blanket draped over both of them.
"I know," he said. He was silent for a moment. Then he asked, "Will you go with me on Saturday? I would like to visit Rebecca's grave. She was the leader of the Penitents. It isn't far from here."
"Of course, Cas," Ember answered.
-SPN-SPN-SPN-SPN-SPN-
Two days later, Ember and Castiel were standing in front of Rebecca's grave. The human vessel was called Darlene Foster, and her grave was beautiful, with a picture and some flowers nearby.
"Sorry I created this chaos," Castiel said. "Sorry I couldn't do more to fix it." Ember squeezed Castiel's hand. "You may have lost the war, Rebecca, but you tried a new way. You have my respect for that."
Suddenly Ember felt as though she was being watched, and whirled around. Castiel had whirled around, too, as a hand had been placed on his shoulder, and his arm was in front of Ember faster than she knew he could move. "I don't want to fight," he told the angel gruffly, "But if I have to, I will."
"I didn't come to fight," the angel told Castiel. "Either of you," he said, nodding at Ember. "When I fell, I thought I had no choice. But yesterday, you've showed me that there is a choice. And I choose you."
Castiel looked at Ember, who said nothing. "I'm sorry," Castiel said, shaking his head. "I'm no leader."
"Yes, you are," said the other angel. "If you'll have me, Castiel, I will follow you. And I am not the only one."
Castiel looked at Ember again, determination in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again, "And I wish you the best. But I am no leader."
***Ember POV***
March 25
Ember's phone rang early on Friday afternoon.
"I've got bad news," Castiel said.
Ember sighed. "You won't be able to come home, like you thought?"
"Yes," said Castiel, "But there's more. I've just received word that one of Malachi's people captured Hadraniel yesterday," said Castiel.
"Hadraniel?" Ember said. "Do you mean the angel that met us at Rebecca's grave?"
"Exactly," said Castiel. "I never should've taken you there. I -…"
"Don't start, Cas," Ember said, rolling her eyes, though she knew Castiel couldn't see her. "Are you trying to tell me that we've been compromised?"
Castiel was silent for a second. "It's probably nothing," he said finally. "But he is one of the few angels that has seen us together. I'm setting off to go look for him at once. We've got a pretty good idea of where he is – Malachi is getting sloppy."
Ember sighed. "When will you be home?"
"I'm sorry," Castiel said. "I know I haven't been home in more than two weeks. When I do come home, I'll stay longer, I promise. In the meantime though, just for tonight… do you think maybe you could take the kids to the bunker?
"Yeah, let me call Sam," Ember said, letting out another sigh. She had really been hoping to have Castiel around for the weekend. "Do you think you'll find him by tomorrow?"
"Almost certainly," said Cas. "We've got a good lead from a reliable source."
"I love you, Cas," Ember said. "Be careful."
"I love you too," Castiel replied.
Two minutes later, Ember called Sam. "Aw, Ember, rough timing, I just left on a hunt. Dean's there, though."
"You guys aren't hunting together? I thought you had… well, not made up exactly, but… you know what I mean."
"Yeah, we have, but… actually, it might be good if you checked on him. I mean, you and Dean are on speaking terms again, right?"
"Yeah," Ember said. This was true. Ever since the beginning of February, Ember and Dean had once again been on speaking terms. Dean had, ironically, been the one to open this door, with Sam's help. It was, Ember had to admit, a big help overall. They had consulted with each other about cases, and Dean and Sam had even had the children over to the bunker one weekend a month for the past two months.
"Well, he's become obsessed, with finding a way to kill Abaddon," Sam admitted. "He could use a distraction. Maybe even some help with research."
Ember paused. She did want to make a trip to the bunker, but she didn't want to intrude on the ever-fragile, ever-evolving relationship she had with Dean. "Do you think Dean will be okay with it?" Ember asked.
"Ember, Dean adores those kids, and he adores you. And if Castiel is desperate enough to send you to the bunker for the weekend, he probably has a good reason," Sam said. "Anyway, someone needs to remind Dean to eat once in awhile."
"Wait, Dean's forgetting to eat?" Ember asked. "Jesus, that is bad." She paused. "Okay, we'll be on our way in 20."
***Ember POV***
March 25, Late Night
It was just after midnight in the Men of Letters bunker. Josephine and Krissy were both staying at friends' homes, so only Aidan had come to the bunker with Ember, and he headed to his room around 10. Ember and Dean had been drinking since then.
"Come on, drink with me," Dean had begged.
"You don't need any help drinking, Dean," Ember had responded.
"I don't drink nearly as much now as I did before Purgatory," he said.
"No," Ember corrected. "We both know that's not true. You held off on the Hunter's Helper for awhile after Purgatory, but we both know you're back at it again."
Dean gave her a scowling look. "Sam ratted me out again, huh?"
"He didn't have to," Ember said, rolling her eyes.
"Humor me," he begged. "Like we used to, during that year we settled down. Come on, how many years has it been since you lived somewhere where you felt safe enough to drink? Tomorrow's Saturday, nobody's going anywhere."
Dean had a good point. Ember had a low tolerance for alcohol, and demons were always a threat, even now that Ember was so strong. She drank very rarely, because she didn't want to be surprised while intoxicated. It had been the year after the apocalypse, when Sam was in Hell, that she had last been really, properly drunk. So, the drinking began.
Finally, at just after midnight, Dean slurred, "Mmmmm drunk."
Ember laughed. "I didn't know that was possible."
"Added Absynthe." Dean began to giggle.
"Dean!" Ember said, warningly. "Why the hell would you do that?"
"Havvvveee trouble making the drunks anymore. Haddd to use harder stuff. Like Cas. In the world with the Lucifer-Sam."
Ember wondered if Dean was simply saying names now. Perhaps she would ask him what he was talking about when he was sober again. Just as she began to try to figure out what to do, Dean asked, "Emmmber?"
"Yeah?" She had a feeling whatever Dean was about to ask, she didn't want to hear it. He had a habit of only telling her his true feelings when he had a little bit of alcohol in him. It was why she hadn't attempted to shut down his drinking entirely during their year away from hunting. Still, this was worse than it had ever been before. He was drunker than ever now, she could tell.
"D'ya think I wouldn't let Ssssssammy die 'cause I was being sssssselfish? Cuz I can't stand to be alone?"
Ember was stunned. Had Sam told him that? Ember and Sam had talked about this being the reason,, but she hadn't thought Sam would ever repeat this to Dean.
"Dean, I…"
But her guilty expression showed on her face. "You do think that, don't you?" Dean said, staring at her and looking crushed. "And it's true, you know? It's truuuuuuueee! I can't imagine… life without him… and without you…" Dean shivered violently suddenly as though very dizzy, and he laid his head back on the chair he had been sitting in for the past few hours.
"I ffffffucked up so bad, Ember," Dean continued. "Your shmemories, and becoming a vammmmpire, and Gadreel…" Dean's eyes began to close, and she could tell unconsciousness was not far off for him. She had always wondered how much he would actually have to drink to black out – apparently, now she knew.
"Dean-…" she started.
"Thinggssss change, you know?" Dean said, his eyes still closed. "You're dating an angel now. A half-demon and an angel? Sounds like a bad joke."
Ember's blood ran cold, and the few kind things she had been about to say to Dean flew out of her head as she turned to face him.
"It won't last, you know. It can't, now that he's… angel…"
Finally, just as Ember opened her mouth to make a retort, Dean's head hit the side of the couch, and he was out cold. Still boiling with anger, Ember shot a disgusted look at her old boyfriend before heading up the stairs herself. She shook her head at the shell of a man she used to date. She knew that tomorrow morning he wouldn't remember anything.