She felt his eyes upon her face as she sat in a chair next to the couch, skimming though a book of poetry. The words were lost to her, nothing actually registering, but she needed to do something as she passed the time. She wanted to be there when he awoke, mostly out of fear that he would feel such remorse that he would try to leave the villa. She wouldn't allow it. They clearly had unfinished business between them. She had been waiting for hours to talk to the man who was her husband again.
"Maria?" His voice was raspy, weakened in his current state. She took a deep breath before reaching to the table next to her and picking up two pills for his headache along with a glass of water. She finally met his eyes as she handed them to him, feeling herself shiver involuntarily, she thought she hid it well. He took the pills quickly, drinking quite a bit of the water in his dehydrated state. "Thank you."
"Tell me when it's my turn to talk." She leaned back in her chair, flipping another page as nerves crept over her. She wasn't afraid of him, she knew he wouldn't hurt her, truly. If he hadn't been so incredibly drunk, they would have still argued, but it would have been a more rational, level-headed conversation, she knew it. When he drank was when he became the monster she had faced.
"I can't begin to express the shame I feel for what I've done." He sat up slowly upon the couch, wanting to touch her, wanting to take her in his arms and apologize profusely, but knowing he shouldn't. He looked at his bandaged hand, his brow furrowed in disgust for himself. Even after everything, she had still taken care of him. He felt sick. "The way I behaved is intolerable, disgusting on all levels..."
"Yes, and you feel such regret, and it will never happen again." Her words held an edge she hadn't intended, but she wasn't much concerned about being too harsh at the moment, for obvious reasons. She flipped another page in her book, avoiding his gaze.
"I swear, it won't. You know it won't. I was so drunk...I wasn't thinking straight." She sighed, doing her best to calm herself.
"All I can hear are excuses...Georg, I don't think you realize how completely and desperately in love with you I am."
"Maria..."
"You wanted to hit me. You were going to hit me."
"I wouldn't have." Her eyes met his like a shot, so much pain and anger behind them that he nearly lost his breath.
"Bullshit, Georg! You even said you felt hatred for me. And I've done nothing to deserve what happened this morning." She slammed her book closed and tossed it upon the table, loudly knocking over a photo frame in the process.
"No you haven't, I'm so sorry..."
"You said things to me and called me things that a man should never call his wife."
"I know I did. Darling..."
"Don't you dare call me that right now." She felt tears begin to fall from her eyes, and she angrily wiped them away. He knew about her childhood, how she had been beaten and abused, so he had to know how difficult it was for her to revisit such emotions as an adult. She had sworn she would never be in that position again, and she felt like a complete mess. "I will not be married to a man who is violent to me. I simply will not."
"Do you want to leave me?" She stopped at the sound of his words, weighing her response for a moment. Even though she knew it most definitely should have, leaving him had not crossed her mind once.
"No I don't. But I will if you so much as think about raising a hand to me ever again. And I mean that with all of my heart, you will never see me again." He nodded, believing every word she said to him.
"I wouldn't blame you for it." She wiped her cheeks once more, noting that his eyes were red and threatening to spill over as well. He was doing everything he could to hold himself together, just as she was.
"Georg...you have a serious problem with alcohol."
"I know I do."
"Then we're solving the problem. I've asked Franz to remove every bit of alcohol from the house. You've had your last drink." He couldn't argue, so he merely nodded in agreement. "I told you long ago that I felt you had a problem."
"I know you did. I'm sorry for not taking you seriously."
"Clearly you take me very seriously. You think I'm a Nazi." She saw his eyes jump back to stare into hers, and part of her wondered if he truly felt in his heart that she was. There was simply no way.
"A lot of things came to light..."
"There's no excuse for your behavior!" She yelled, louder than she meant to, but couldn't have helped it if she tried.
"Of course there isn't, I'm not making an excuse. I'm simply telling you that so many things came to light at once, and I was drinking, and I had never heard you denounce them..."
"I married you, you stupid man! How could I denounce them any more than that? You didn't even talk to me, you simply assumed..."
"I understand that now."
"Do you?" She crossed her arms, sitting back in her chair in disbelief. She didn't allow him to respond, scoffing at the thought. "Honestly, I can't believe you would think such a thing."
"My mind is so twisted right now..."
"Because of that damn project! The one you've told me will be finished for months, and you're still drinking and brooding away over it. Stop it, just stop it all! You are ruining us!" She sighed as tears fell down her cheeks once more. He moved to reach for her, and she slapped his hand away, his quick movement having startled her. "Don't touch me right now."
"Maria, I don't know what to say to you to express how much I regret what I've done. The thought of hurting you...seeing you like this because of what I've done..." He looked to her for forgiveness, as he couldn't finish his words. Of course she could forgive, she was certain that on some level she already had if she were honest, but it still didn't stop her body from flinching every time he moved. "Please tell me what to do."
"I've never wanted anything from you besides what you are."
"And I'm a monster."
"You're not a monster when you're simply my husband." He dropped to his knees upon the ground, moving slowly so he wouldn't frighten her. She watched him approach her on his knees, tears falling gently down his cheeks. He looked into her eyes with regret, and her heart pounded within her chest as he held out his hand for her to take.
"Maria, I am incredibly sorry. I love you with every ounce of my being, and I will never stop regretting what happened today. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I will work for it for the rest of my life if I must." She kept her gaze upon his hand, unwilling to touch him yet. The tenderness he offered didn't feel right at the moment.
"Yes, well..." She cleared her throat and stood, backing away from him as he remained on his knees before her. His heart ached. "It's nearly suppertime. You'll need to speak with the boys as well."
"How much did they see?"
"Any of it would have been enough." He nodded, standing from the floor and hanging his head in defeat. She began to walk away, heading toward the dining room without him.
"Maria." She stopped, but didn't turn back to face him. All she wanted was to be alone, crawl into a small space and cuddle into herself for a moment. "Please don't go. Stay with me, let me make this right between us."
"Do you think there's some magic word you can say to make this better?" She scoffed bitterly, still facing away from him. Looking into his eyes would only make her tears fall harder.
"I know there isn't."
"Then give it proper time...give me space." He sighed, nodding, even though she couldn't see him. She exited the room, making her way toward the dining room to take a moment alone before the children joined her. She saw Georg walk past, presumably on his way to talk with the boys.
She sighed, sitting in her chair and holding her face in her hands. She couldn't believe the day she had, couldn't believe that it was all real. Her brain had been firing endlessly since the night before, since her husband first became menacingly angry with her, and she had at that point had no idea why. She still had no idea how everything had escalated so quickly between them. Why hadn't he simply talked to her, she wondered. They were great at communicating...most of the time. She knew things had been tense between them for quite a while, but she couldn't have imagined it was to that caliber.
Suppertime was incredibly awkward, the children all had clearly heard what happened by then, thanks to Friedrich and Kurt. Georg had spoken to them at length, apologized, reminded them why it was never okay to treat a woman in such a way. They allowed him to speak, but he quickly found that they weren't interested in hearing him out at the moment. He honestly couldn't blame them, but it still didn't hurt any less.
"Children, it appears that you've all heard about the incident this morning." Maria looked at him harshly, wondering if that was really what he was going to call it. Some of the children nodded, all nervous to be in his presence, just in case. Maria sighed, shaking her head.
"Georg, let's just eat."
"No, I want to address it." She nodded, looking to her plate to avoid his eyes. "My behavior toward your mother this morning was deplorable. A husband is supposed to cherish and protect his wife, and I failed miserably today. I apologize to all of you for who I've become, and I promise you all I will make it right again." They all nodded, unwilling to speak, and Maria felt a pang of sadness for him. She believed every word he had said to her in his numerous apologies, and she knew he would never truly want to hurt her.
She also knew that was a dangerous train of thought if he were in fact an abusive man...but he wasn't. He had always been so caring and tender with her, so gentle and loving, even when she didn't feel she deserved it at all. And when he had been rough with her, it was only in the throws of passion, and she had asked for it, been rough with him in return. She vaguely wondered if allowing and enjoying such roughness in bed had somehow made his mind go to a place of violence with her, but she quickly dismissed that thought. She knew they both knew the difference.
"Do you want me to sleep in a guest bedroom." She looked up after pulling back the covers of their bed, finding him in his pajamas, but he was nervous to approach her. Meeting his eyes, she could see the pain and conflict behind them. They were both suffering terribly. She shook her head, finishing her task of pulling down the bed. Even though she had thought she needed it all day, there was suddenly nothing more frightening to her than being alone at the moment.
"No. I want you next to me."
"If you're certain." She nodded before crawling beneath the blankets and turning out her light, her back turned to him as she cuddled into bed. Her body felt a bit sore from being slammed against the wall that morning, but she was doing her best to ignore it. It seemed easier to ignore it. He was very hesitant, but finally turned out his light and joined her, turning away from her and maintaining his distance.
Unable to sleep, she watched the clock move forward, an hour quickly passing with no trace. It was unfortunately going to be one of those nights, she feared. She was a bit used to it, as her husband's frame of mind had kept her up many nights recently. Suddenly, she felt Georg begin to shake behind her, unable to stop himself from weeping in regret. Tears fell from her eyes as he tried to remain quiet, but his quaking body betrayed him. She couldn't help the tenderness she felt for him as she rolled over. Tentatively, she scooted closer and pressed her body against his back, wrapping her arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his hair.
"I love you, Georg. We'll get through it." He turned in her arms and found her eyes, meeting them as tears overflowed down both of their faces.
"Maria..." She shushed him, placing her fingertips over his mouth to stop him from speaking. They'd said all they needed to say for the night.
"Let's sleep." He nodded, rolling over to face her as she laid her head upon the pillow next to his. They lay eye to eye, her arm wrapped about his waist, but he was afraid to touch her, afraid he would push his boundaries. She leaned forward and placed a soft kiss to his lips before they attempted to close their eyes, their tears falling for one another through the night.