'Yet beautiful and bright he stood,
As born to rule the storm;
A creature of heroic blood,
A proud, though childlike form.'
~ Casabianca, Felicia Dorothea Hemans (1826)
Chapter Forty-four - Faithful heart
SNAP.
Kat glared up at Neil. His interfering hands removed the compact from hers faster than she could protest.
"Stop looking at it." He sighed as she swiped it back, wishing he had thought to use his height to his advantage. "You look fine."
Her eyes narrowed further as she reopened the mirror. She took care to swerve it away from him as she inspected the abnormally large pimple marring her forehead. "That's easy for you to say, it isn't on your face."
Her glare moved to Todd whose muffled laughter was spurring Neil on, she could see it in his growing smile with each glance he stole at his roommate.
"Seriously, Kat" he continued, his words confirming her suspicions, "you could turn up to class painted green and Charlie would still think you're the most ethereal beauty to walk the earth."
"That's more of a comment on his preferences than my face" she retorted, unable to hide her blush. She tilted the mirror to catch Todd's eye in the reflection. Understanding her unspoken question, he subtly shook his head.
"Oh" Neil settled on the window ledge; arms crossed as he leant back against the window. "Todd didn't have to tell me. I have eyes and frankly I'm insulted you didn't speak to me."
"That's because there is nothing worth telling." She placed a hair pin between her teeth as she brushed her hair through with her fingers.
Neil rolled his eyes, "why don't you believe me?"
"Because," she paused to pull a slight side fringe from beneath her headband and pin it into place so that the hair lay over half of the angry bubble on her face, "I don't believe it."
"Don't" Todd said quietly, "or won't."
"Does it matter?" She replied softly, examining her reflection. "It's safer to contain hurt than watch the collateral."
The compact closed with a snap.
"Kat-"
"No, Neil."
Todd remained silent; his eyes filled with the same doubt Kathleen felt.
"I just-I have a lot going on" she admitted, eyes downcast. "I hardly know what to think anymore."
"And if you stopped thinking?"
She picked up her satchel and crossed the empty classroom they had commandeered as a powder room. "Then I would be stupid." She didn't stop to see if the pair were following as she melted into the flood of students in the halls. "And selfish" she added quietly, unable to see the sorrow wiping the smile from Neil's face. Todd placed a hand on his back as they weaved through the crowd to chemistry, never straying far from her side but silent in the background.
XXXX
"What time is the funeral?" Keating rose from his desk to greet the students slowly filtering into his class. He stopped in front of Neil's desk. "If I didn't know better, I would say you're not happy to see me."
Kat dropped into her seat with an audible groan. "We had chemistry, Sir."
"What she means" Knox translated, "is that our regular hour of suffering has been extended by several hours of extra work."
Approximately twenty pairs of eyes settled on Hopkins with a glare. The boy in question shrank into himself, barely ducking in time to miss the swat aimed at the back of his head by Fraser.
Cameron coughed, gaining Mr Keating's attention. "Two chapters have been added to our test next lesson because Hopkins-" Cameron broke off, his mouth twitching in restrained anger, "rather vocally complained of his ignorance to this material after one or two students gave an incorrect answer on the topic."
"I see." Keating strode further down the aisle. He stopped once more by Kathleen. "I was planning to cover elegies, but I suppose that can wait another day." His words addressed the class, but his eyes settled on her, "I don't like seeing my favourite students upset."
Her gaze slid down to the worn desk her arms rested upon. The various scrawls and aged scratches from hundreds of boys before her sprang to life. She could imagine their presence at the same desk with their own copies of Milton or Chaucer open beside their ink wells, pens poised as their teacher - likely Nolan himself - breathed life into the twenty-six letters re-arranged across the pages. As much as she currently disliked Keating's compassionate insight into his pupils, she appreciated him. It was safe to assume he was the first of his kind to grace Welton with his presence, much like herself in some ways.
Her musings were brought to a sudden halt by the landing of a folded square of paper on the left side of her desk. Shooting a cautious glance at Mr Keating out of respect, she subtly unfolded it behind her book. Laying it flat, she realised it a was page torn from their chemistry textbooks. On top of the printed formulae, multiple black ink lines converged to form a flower, each petal unfurled into pages covered in writing. In the centre was a girl drawn cross-legged with her head bowed over a book in her lap, a pony-tail shaded dark in ink curled around the girl's shoulder.
Kathleen inhaled sharply at the sight of a bow in the ponytail of the girl in the sketch, resisting the urge to reach back and feel her own. Despite the lack of detail bestowed upon his usual works, it was abundantly clear that Charlie had drawn her. The circled symbol for potassium beneath the flower only confirmed her conclusion. She slipped it into her book as Keating marched closer, burning excess energy as he shared the forgotten delights of Felicia Dorothea Hemans' work. Kathleen found herself drawn in; her troubles burned away in the fire of 'Casabianca.' The enduring image of the boy on the burning deck became a girl enclosed safely in a flower as chaos ruled the ocean around her. As the smoke dissipated with the tail-end of the poem, her turmoil washed away with it.
The conviction of the poeticised Giocante rolled through her like the flames of the ship as she stepped out of Keating's safe haven. Kathleen breathed in the crisp winter air, her peaceful smile only strengthened as Neil and Todd met her on the steps outside.
Charlie's sarcastic tone interrupted their silent reconciliation as he slammed the door shut behind Knox. "If I ever fail to dodge conscription and find myself stuck on a burning ship, remind me not to wait for orders before I bail."
"It's supposed to be a commentary on innocence and faith" Knox retorted, "would it kill you to be romantic before committing to military critique?"
He pulled a face. Knox threw his hands up in defeat.
Cameron rolled his eyes. "How about you stop bickering like an old married couple and start on the chemistry revision. We can hold study group at lunch."
"Jesus, Cameron!"
"What?"
"No, I agree with Nuwanda" Meeks interrupted, "I doubt chemistry will improve the mood of anyone. You may find yourself worse off for suggesting it."
Charlie grinned, "we only just got Kat back. You wouldn't want to isolate your favourite student, would you?"
Cameron spluttered. Before he could form his rebuttal, Kathleen stopped him. "Whatever do you mean by 'got me back?'
"You haven't smiled at anyone since breakfast" Pitts shrugged.
She gaped, "so?"
"Kat" Knox placed his hands on her shoulders, making direct eye contact as he spoke. "You hardly said a word in Keating's class. That is unheard of."
Neil nodded, "you nearly killed the table twice over with your glare."
"I know you hate math" Charlie smirked, "but you have to admit it equals a bad mood."
"Okay, okay" she slapped Knox playfully away, "I've been a sourpuss all morning. I get it! But I am fine now." She gestured to herself, "see!"
"Seriously?" Charlie scoffed, "All it took was an English lesson to cheer you up? I thought Meeks was bad. I can't believe I'm surrounded by nerds." He dodged Meeks' shove, almost knocking Neil down in his haste.
"Yes" she replied, ignoring them as she thought of the drawing between the pages of her poetry book, "I guess Keating was right. Poetry really does woo women."
Knox shot her a curious look, shrugging when she raised a questioning eyebrow his way. She dismissed it, too distracted by Neil's wish for snow and the resultant tales of previous snowball fights to notice him opening his book to the verses Charlie had plagiarised the night of the party. Whatever his plan, Knox thought to himself as he studied the sonnets, it had to be better than the strategy of last year's snow battle. A real knockout.
XXXX
"I don't understand" Kathleen repeated, haphazardly pushing back the lock of hair falling in front of her eyes. "If I multiply by five there" she pointed to one equation before moving her finger to the next, "why is it different here?"
Cameron's eyes stayed glued to his chemistry revision, "because that is how it works."
"I know that's how it works but I don't understand why" she sighed. "It makes no sense."
"It does" he said, "but for the purpose of the argument it doesn't matter. Accept it, get the correct answer and move on."
She collapsed into her arms on the table, narrowly missing Pitts' pencil tower much to his relief. He carefully inched it away as she pleaded unsuccessfully with Cameron to end the tutoring session for the day.
Eventually she relented, moving on to the next question under Cameron's watchful eye. The hair fell from the front of her headband again. This time she twirled it around her finger, the slight pull soothing her despair. A pen entered her sight as he moved to correct a mistake in her method.
Kat let go, leaving the strands to fall over her eye as she reached for the eraser, she had nearly worn down completely. A few minutes later the cycle repeated, her frown deepened with each correction. "I'm going to fail the test" she muttered, the low volume audible only to her tutor.
"Perhaps it would be easier to study with a more sensible hairstyle."
She flushed, unwilling to divulge the trivial reason for the impractical twist on the headband style. She knew his patience was wearing thin as it was. Her dermatological concerns would hardly improve the situation.
"Meeks? Do you have the notes for this chapter?" Kathleen took a deep breath while his attention was elsewhere.
Meeks shook his head empathetically.
"You could ask for clarification" Todd suggested quietly. "I'm sure your initiative would be appreciated."
"Todd's right" Neil pushed, "office hours will be over soon. What if you memorise the wrong method?"
Cameron rushed to gather his possessions. The group froze, only returning to work when he lifted his head to warn them he would be at least half an hour.
The second the door slammed shut Kathleen threw herself at Todd, "I love you!" He squeezed her back with a laugh. "I'm serious. I couldn't see an end to the torture!"
"It was equations, not waterboarding."
She looked Meeks dead in the eye, "waterboarding would be more pleasant."
"Not if Cameron was inflicting it." Charlie grumbled, "let's get out of here before he gets back."
Knox threw his things into his satchel, "if I see one more formula, I will go blind. Last one back has to apologise to Cameron." His words had the desired effect. It was a scramble for the door.
"Hey" Charlie said, slowing to a walk as the others dashed down the halls. Kathleen stopped, watching the others go. "Don't tell Cameron but I think your hair looks nice like that. Besides, anything that annoys Cameron is a bonus."
"Thanks" she laughed, reaching up to check the false side fringe was still in place.
His gaze faltered for a second before locking onto her own half-veiled one, "but I miss your eyes. Don't make me wait until dusk to see that shade of blue each day."
Before she could bring herself to breathe, let alone form words, he slipped away to catch-up with the others. His confident demeanour and escape worked to mask the sheer panic in his countenance from her view. He swore internally, cursing his big mouth, his brain malfunction and any higher power that allowed such a sappy comment to go unfiltered. Unaware of his mortification, Neil's words echoed in her mind.
A noise jolted Kat from her trance.
"Having fun eavesdropping?" Kat asked sarcastically, annoyed by her own embarrassment. "Did no one teach you it's a sign of loneliness?"
Fraser shrugged. "Oh, I have friends. But as you can imagine I would rather not be seen with them right now."
Kat nodded, her initial unease soothed by the familiar irritation at Hopkins' earlier error.
"Sometimes I swear they have a combined IQ lower than their age" he added.
She fixed him with a look. "And that excuses your stalking how?"
"Don't flatter yourself, sweetheart. You're not that interesting." He grinned, "I was escaping to my dorm when I heard your little drama. What can I say? I'm invested now."
"Invested enough to forget about it?" She asked hopefully.
"He likes you" Fraser commented, his teasing expression falling. "And you like him."
Their eyes met. He shrugged and she tore her gaze away. "Don't let Nolan or any other bullshit hold you back" he said, "you'll only regret it."
This time it was him who refused to look at her. His rare earnestness evoked a memory of another evening walk through the halls of Welton, of the girl he reluctantly confided in her about, the one his Father ripped away.
"You're different, okay" He snarled, "everyone here is part of it and we never even had a chance. We grew-up in it, we live in it, hell we will probably die in it. You are not. You dip in for a few months and leave intact. You're good for him and for some unfathomable reason he makes you happy in this awful place." He paused, adding gently, "don't forget it, alright?"
"Thank you" she said sincerely. He shrugged, eyes still turned upward as he turned away and disappeared without looking back.
Switch on those alerts because I'm back. My return is fuelled by detailed chapter outlines and a whole extra week in the timeline. This will be the busiest summer of my life in terms of writing but I'm actually looking forward to it. Uni is over until October, and in September I am going to Edinburgh!
Thank you for all of the astonishingly kind comments. They seriously made my day during my exam stress and I honestly think they were my lucky charm because I got my results back today and I couldn't be happier! I've also picked two relevant modules for next year- one on literature of the romantic period and one on romantic lyric poetry. I'm extremely excited and I thought you guys would appreciate it.