Disclaimer.

J.K Rowling went out one day so I took her characters out to play.

We ran around, they laughed with glee,

All this fun and she works for free!

Once more into the breach. This chapter was intended to cover the Halloween ball as well but it got too long. Besides Severus and Phaelan had other ideas.

Thanks to Shadowknight and Jagqueen2 for their review. I do not hold myself responsible for late nights and skiving off assignments. I only admit to the same sin.

To the ever faithful Mark Darcy – you might end up having the entire story dedicated to you – you keep me writing.

The rescue.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking in the rare autumn sunshine enjoying a respite from the dreary rain that was the usual climate. The excitement elicited by Charlie's arrival was now overtaken by the auction and preparations for the Halloween feast and Ball. Norbert was settled in his pen by Hagrid's hut with Charlie setting up a tent to stay close by. The trio were making their way back to the castle to change and make their bids at the auction. All seemed to be calm at Hogwarts until the billowing black robes of Severus Snape appeared from beneath the Whomping Willow.

"What's with him?" Ron wondered aloud.

"He's in a hurry for something, that's for sure. He hasn't moved that fast since he was chasing Sirius." Observed Hermione.

"Come on, we'd better get inside. "Said Harry, leading the way up to the castle entrance. "I want to make sure I get my bid in to fly with McKenzie."

"I'm for Honeydukes." Declared Ron.

"As usual." Quipped Hermione rolling her eyes.

"Oh listen to her, "Ron teased and continued in a high pitched voice, "little miss 'I've got to get that first edition from Flourish and Blotts'."

Harry and Ron laughed at her scowl.

"At least I'm feeding my brain Ronald." She growled.

"At least I'm feeding…Me." Ron retorted still laughing. "And I can share sweets with my sweetheart." Whereupon he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and kissed her cheek.

Blushing, Hermione gently punched Ron in the side. "Make sure it's white chocolate."

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Severus had watched the dilapidated Muggle car drive away with his lady and smiled knowing that the charm held in the sigil was working in full force. He apparated back to the Shrieking Shack and used the secret passage under the tree to reach the hidden dungeon entrance quickly. When he entered his chambers he flooed the Headmaster's office and called out asking to come through.

"What is it Severus? You look worried? Where's Phaelan?" asked the old man.

"Who's here, Shacklebolt, Tonks?" Severus asked.

"Neither, they were called away." Dumbledore told him. "What's happened Severus?"

Taking a deep breath Severus related what had happened when he went to meet her and the fact of the charm tracking her.

"I can't move alone on this Albus. We need to catch these bastards and this is our perfect opportunity." Snape told him as he began to pace.

Dumbledore sat behind his desk to reflect on the situation. Coming to a decision, he leaned forward to advise Severus.

"We can activate the order members here and use the DA." The old man told his junior knowing there was to be a blast of denial from the young man.

"Of all the…Albus, we're talking about her life. This isn't some game; some exercise for the Corp of Cadets to practice their pathetic skills." Snape bellowed, "I need people I can trust."

"Alright, what about Charlie Weasley and Remus?" asked Dumbledore calmly.

Sighing, Snape conceded, "Yes they are adequate but hardly enough."

"Then I offer the following; hear me out." Dumbledore cocked his eyebrow at Snape who was about to speak.

"Take Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom and Seamus Finnegan. Phaelan has lauded them all. That not withstanding, all except Seamus has fought before. They know what they're doing." Decided Dumbledore as he sat back.

"This is insanity." Snape began to pace again for a minute…two…three, "Alright, I have no choice."

"Good, we'll meet in the Room of Requirement in fifteen minutes." Smiled Dumbledore. "Go do what you must to get ready Severus."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Phaelan came around in the back of a moving car. Lying on her side with her hands still secured behind her, Phaelan was jostled with every bump and turn the car made. Between the motion and the sickly sweet scent of chloroform, she felt her stomach begin to heave. As a spasm of nausea passed over her, Phaelan moaned unconsciously.

"Yer awake then." Observed Phin as he looked over the front seat at her. "What's wrong wi' ye?"

Phaelan looked at him as she took deep breaths to try and control her sick stomach. "Feel sick." She managed to mutter.'

"Oh Jaysus, just hang on till ye get to the jacksx, will ye." Phin pleaded. "Don't spew anything here, we'll never get the smell out."

Phaelan made a foul face at him and spat, "Fuck you, you prick, "before promptly emptying the contents of her stomach on the floor of the car.

"Oh noooh. Would ye…oh fuck." Was all he remarked before turning away.

"We're almost there Phin." Offered Liam unawares of what had just happened.

"Too bloody late." Phin muttered.

"Here we are." Liam exclaimed as the car came to a stop. "What's that smell Phin?"

"Never mind, let's get inside." He instructed.

Opening the door on the rear passenger side, the men pulled Phaelan's bound feet out first and then helped her to stand. The reorientation of her world caused her stomach to complain again and once more Phaelan voided the remains of her last meal but this time managed to hit Liam on the chest.

"Argh, ye stupid woman, look what ye've done." Liam exclaimed as he face turned green.

Looking at Phinnius, Phaelan said. "Sorry, I've nothing left to share with you but if something comes up I'll let you know."

Cccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc

In his dungeons, Severus pulled out an enchanted parchment which held the names of all living members of his Mother's family. It was a short list but glowing in bright blue was the name Phaelan A.S. McKenzie followed by Praenuntius Matrimonium indicating her status of consort or literally Foretelling of Marriage. The statement gave him pause for a moment. When he had offered courtship it had read Patrocinor Familiaritas; to protect a cherished friend.

The ancient document was held by all of the heads of household in his mother's family. It was cast with a spell to capture family history instantly, including changes in status. When had Phaelan's place in his feelings change? He hadn't noticed but he couldn't deny the truth of it and had no time for contemplation.

"Damned precognizant document, don't presume you know everything," he said to the parchment before him.

Pulling his wand he cast the spell to locate Phaelan, "Expiscoria Era Mei Locus," to reveal his ladies location. Slowly a map revealed itself on the parchment pointing out her exact location and that there were two males around her.

"Papero exactum effingo." Snape intoned to produce an exact copy of the map.

Folding the duplicate, he placed it in his pocket. Rolling up the ancient parchment, he placed it back in its scroll holder to protect it. Pulling out a satchel to hold the money he would take, Severus made his way to the Room of Requirement to meet with his, God dare he say it, rescue team.

As he entered the room, Snape was surprised at what he saw. Standing before him were not students in uniform but four young men and two older mentors ready to confront the enemy. Severus had not realized how far the DA had come since the days of the Department of Mysteries. Phaelan was right in her assessment; these boys were men and far from the children who entered Hogwarts seven years ago.

"Ah, Severus; I have briefed your team on what has happened so far. Please continue with your plan." Dumbledore indicated Snape should explain his plan.

Laying out his map, Snape showed the team her location, a warehouse in an industrial area fairly well deserted on the weekend.

Seamus stepped up and placed a sack on the table.

"Me Ma got this through some connections." He announced.

Severus opened the sack to see the gold of Galleons.

"Finnegan, how, who?" Snape asked in confusion.

Seamus laughed. "Tis Leprechaun gold sir. My mam sent it by floo. She's does a favour or two for the local colony and they owed her. It's charmed to last for a full day."

Stepping forward, Dumbledore took a ream of paper and transformed it into Pound notes.

"I trust this should suffice for the purpose." He declared with a smile.

Snape, though he would never admit it, was impressed. This was far more than he expected. They might actually stand a chance of succeeding. Taking a deep breath, Severus began the background and execution plan for the rescue.

"First of all, you must understand that Phae..that is Miss McKenzie was taken hostage only because she submitted to the capture. Between us, we were fully capable of escaping but that would have lost us the opportunity to apprehend the culprits who perpetrated the attack on the Grangers offices." He opened.

"Did you have a chance to discuss this with her Severus?" asked Remus in confusion.

"Not exactly, I will perhaps explain later. Now to the matter at hand; Miss McKenzie has on her person a charmed object which has pinpointed her location on this chart. With the Headmaster's assistance we will portkey to this location immediately outside the building she is being held in." he looked up in warning. "Be careful, if there are any Muggles around, we must hold them for ministry obliviation. Stun them if necessary but only as a last resort." He emphasized by rapping on the table.

"Yes sir, we understand, "said Harry, "but how are we to tell Miss McKenzie what our plan is?"

"Leave that to me, "replied Snape, "I will be entering the building first. We will need to check for exits and ensure there is no escape route. Timing will be crucial therefore I will create a protean charm for each of you to tell you when to enter."

"Like the ones we have for DA?" asked Neville.

"Not that complex Longbottom, it need only work one time." He replied.

"When we get these two buggers, what are we going to do with them?" Charlie asked.

Dumbledore coughed at this. "If I may?" he looked at Snape for permission to speak. "I suggest you bring them back here to spend the night in our lower dungeons. We should at least offer them the choice of a Wizard or Muggle court and prison."

Ron snorted, "Headmaster, they tried to kill Hermione's parents and almost killed a host of other Muggles at the same time. Why do they deserve a choice?"

"Ah Ronald, we could have Severus hand them over to Tom Riddle as well. The satisfaction of knowing how he would punish their failure has the unfortunate drawback of the knowledge they have of our Potions Master's true affiliation. Undoubtedly, that news would be revealed."

Dumbledore said with a small smile.

"Why here Albus?" Asked Charley.

"Wait and see children, wait and see." Dumbledore cryptically replied, while tapping the side of his nose.

Severus pulled out six knuts from his pockets. On each he cast a Protean charm to show the word Now when they were to enter the warehouse. Passing them out, he explained how he would talk to Phaelan.

"Our damsel in distress speaks several languages which I sorely doubt her captors understand. I will communicate in one or more of them. The plan is simple gentleman. Restrain the pair after they have been disarmed and return to the Shrieking Shack by reverse port key. Are we ready?" Severus looked around and was pleased to see the looks of determination on the young men.

"Lets move." He finished before moving out to the point they would port key from.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

"Is this all you could find Phin. This stuff is disgusting." Asked Liam as he looked in the small fridge left in the office of the once garage come spare parts company.

"It was on sale at the Off Licence xx, Liam. Quit complaining it's wet." Grumbled Phin as he lolled on the old wooden office chair.

"I hate fechin Courage beer. It takes fechin Courage to drink it.xxx" Liam whined as he opened the can and supped.

Phaelan had observed the antics of her kidnappers and wondered how in hell they had survived this long. She closed her eyes and sighed.

"Come on Severus." She mentally pleaded. "My I.Q is decreasing brain cell by brain cell being around these morons."

Looking at them she decided a little irritation would provide entertainment.

"Hey! I gotta use the head." She announced.

"Yeh what?" asked Phin.

"You know, I need to go pee, visit the little girls room, take a whiz." She translated.

"Cross yer legs hoor." Replied Phin.

Phaelan smiled at his comment.

"Can't," she said, "my legs are tied."

"So like, who's who in your relationship." She taunted.

"What d'you mean?" asked Liam.

"Who offers his ass to who?" she asked.

"It's not like that at all" insisted Liam.

"I don't know, you look like an old fish wife to me." Said Phaelan looking at Liam.

"Shut it Liam, she's just trying to goad ye. Don't listen." Phin sneered.

"I'm no fechin fairy, ye hear." Liam looked at her with wide eyed anger.

Phaelan waited five minutes by her calculation. "Can I have a drink of water." She asked meekly.

"Shut up." Phin retorted.

"Please, all I can taste is the sickness in my mouth. Just a sip, please." Phaelan tried in her most pathetic tone.

"The water's off, ye'll just have to suffer." Phin told her.

"I really need to go to the bathroom." She whined. "Pleeeease."

"He might not take kindly if she's in a bad way Phin." Whispered Liam.

"All right then but one of us goes too." Decided Phin.

Liam came forward and untied her legs. Phaelan was sorely tempted to kick him in the teeth but restrained herself.

"Wait," called Phin, "take the gun and stand outside the toilet." He ordered.

Phaelan was led into a filthy toilet, had her hands untied and the door closed behind her.

Remembering her self taught survival training, Phaelan decided to urinate standing up even though there was no where to wash her hands. Placing her fingers just so, she aimed and hit the commode. When she finished, there was no way of flushing, she knocked the door and turned placing her hands behind her so they could be tied again.

"Hurry up Severus, I'm getting hungry." Phaelan thought to herself. "Please my love, I trust you."

Phaelan sat quietly and reflected on her unconscious thought. Severus was her lover but did she love him? Did he love her? She wasn't willing to broach that yet. It was enough he looked upon her as special and ….and oh how sweet her time with him was.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

The two groups of would be hero's port keyed into an empty yard beside the deserted building housing Phaelan and her captors. As they appeared, they all pulled their wands and looked around. Fortunately, no one else was in the area.

Severus pulled the chart from his pocket. He was still garbed in the Muggle style trench coat he frequently affected when in their world. Activating the location charm, he watched as Phaelan's exact location was revealed to them. Remus and Severus each cast a disillusionment charm and walked around the building to check the exit points. Satisfied, they returned to the rest of the team and reported. They broke into pairs except for Severus; Remus and Neville, Harry and Seamus, Charlie and Ron. Each pair then took their place at an entrance ready to break in or prevent a break out.

Snape walked to the front entrance and rapped on the door. After a moment or two, the one called Phinnius appeared and unlocked it.

"Ah, ye're here then. Well come along in. Show us what ye've brought." he announced.

Severus walked into the old office area and looked around. Phaelan was not in sight. "Where is she?" he demanded.

"She's fine, don't worry. Liam won't hurt her unless I give him leave to. Now, show me what you have in your bag there." Phinnius indicated the satchel in Snape's hand.

Tossing the bag on the dusty desk, Severus stepped back and felt for his wand. "Here's your ransom, now, where is she.

"Don't be hasty, we'd best be sure about the amount." The other teased.

Severus pulled his wand and pointed it at the smirking man.

"I'll see her now." He insisted.

"All right, all right." Phinnius said holding up his hands. "Lets take the bag to her then." And so saying took up the handles and led Snape through to the other room.

Phaelan was seated in the middle of the room on an old wooden chair. Her arms were bound behind her and her ankles tied to the legs.

"Keif halac. (how are you)?" Severus asked her in Arabic. He allowed no emotion to show on his face.

Phaelan looked at him but she too kept her face blank. "Ana gowaan wa bard. Emta? (I'm hungry and tired. When?) she asked, wondering when they would move to get her out.

"Delwaky. (Now)." He replied.

"Here, enough of that lovey dovey talk in Greek or what ever you're speaking." Liam warned as he stood beside Phaelan hefting the hand gun. "Is it all there Phin?" He asked.

"It is, it is, Liam." Phin replied with a smile. "Well done wizard. You moved fast. Now put your wand down and back away to the far end." Phinnius pointed to the other side of the room.

Severus did as he was told while at the same time activating the Protean Charm. He quickly strode to the back and said, "Yala! (Lets go.)"

Phaelan threw herself sideways into Liam, knocking him on to his back causing the gun to fly out of his hand. Almost immediately, six figures burst into the room from different directions. Harry and Seamus each shouted Stupefy at a shocked Phinnius who dropped like a rock to the floor. Neville cast a binding spell at the confused Liam who suddenly found himself wrapped up in ropes.

"Phaelan, are you hurt?" Severus asked as he used his recovered wand to release her bindings.

"I'm alright. I really need some fresh water. I was sick." She told him as he lifted her to her feet and looked at her. She looked into his eyes and saw for a fleeting moment the worry and concern there. Smiling at him, she looked again into his eyes telling him wordlessly he could look if he wanted. He smiled minutely at her gesture and brushed his finger tips over her cheek.

Still holding her, he turned to pass his instructions. "Right, let's get these two pieces of rubbish back to Hogwarts."

Seamus, Harry and Charley grabbed Phinnius between them. Harry cast the "Portus," to take them to the Shrieking Shack; Neville, Ron and Remus took the babbling Liam in tow with them. Phaelan and Severus were alone together.

"I guess I go with you." Said Phaelan as she stepped closer to wrap her arms around Severus.

Severus pulled her closely to him and held her. "Phaelan," he murmured into her hair. "This was the most…unwise... exploit I have ever undertaken."

Phaelan frowned into his chest. "What do you mean? It was simple and with those two lamebrains, it couldn't fail." She told him as she looked up at his face. "What?" she asked seeing an odd look on his face.

"I am not accustomed to feeling …. fearful for someone else. I did not like it." He finally told her.

"Oh Severus, "she began, "how do you think I feel when you are called to Him? When you're in the business of war, that feeling comes with the territory." She told him.

Kissing her forehead, he pulled her close once more, "Then you must excuse me for this is unexplored territory for me. I must find my way. Now, we must go."

Suddenly Phaelan found herself outside the Shrieking Shack. As they entered, they found the two former assassins, now both bound, facing the wrath of angry young wizards.

Seamus was red faced with his personal anger. "You two don't deserve the right to call yourselves patriots. It's your kind the give the Irish a bad name." he shouted while pointing his wand their general direction.

"What are ye, a Westbrit, ye wee nob.xxxx" Taunted Phinnius. "Ye think ye're better than us 'cause ye hobnob wi the English purebloods. You wait till ye need a job."

"Bolllocks. "Seamus shouted back. "Me Da's a Guardaxxxxx. He's a Muggle and a proud Irishman. He's told me all about scum like you. Ye come to the south and bring your shite with you. You deserve Azkaban and the Kiss."

"Phin, be careful, he's got a wand." Warned Liam mumbling around the swollen lip he received from Phaelan's head butt.

"Mr Finnegan, I believe the headmaster is expecting the delivery of our prisoners." Said Snape as he caught the tail end of Seamus' tirade.

"Yes professor." Replied Seamus still fuming at the identity of the men before him.

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"Is that what you wanted Headmaster?" asked Filch as he finished preparing two of the old dungeon cages.

"Yes that looks fine, Argus. I suspect our visitors will only be with us for a very short time." Dumbledore replied.

The sound of scraping and pushing could be heard behind them. When they turned, they saw Hagrid and two elves manoeuvring two large armoires into position against the wall facing the cages.

"Easy does it lads." Warned Hagrid, "We don't want to shake up the contents any more than we have to."

"Hagrid, you've found what we needed; good show." Complimented a smiling Dumbledore.

"We had some still lurking around in the other side of the dungeons, Perfessor. We just had to move 'em." He announced.

"Fine, our visitors should be joining us shortly." Advised the old wizard as he turned to go to the secret entrance and meet Severus and the group as they entered.

As Dumbledore arrived, Severus and his team had just entered the dungeons.

"Congratulations gentlemen and Lady. I see you were successful." Beamed Dumbledore.

"Yes sir. We encountered no problems." Snape advised.

"Good, now follow me if you will." Dumbledore led them deeper into the depths of the castle.

"You're not takin' us to the dark lord?" asked Phinnius.

"Obviously," Snape retorted, "It can be arranged if you prefer."

"No, no, don't put yourself out." Phin replied.

They finally reached the area Dumbledore had prepared for their arrival. Dumbledore indicated the two men should be placed in the prepared cells. With a wave of his wand, the Headmaster closed the doors and locked them.

"Gentlemen, please release your bonds." Asked Dumbledore, looking at his young wizards. Harry and Neville stepped forward and ended their spells.

Turning back, Dumbledore fixed his gaze on the prisoners. "Welcome to Hogwarts. I am Albus Dumbledore. Perhaps you've heard of me."

The pair looked at each other in surprise. Phinnius found his voice first. "Of course squire, who hasn't heard of the great Dumbledore. It's a privilege to be in your presence sir." He grovelled.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore replied, "but you may have changed your minds by morning. You will spend the night here in relative comfort. I will provide an elf for your needs such as they may be." Walking closer to the cells, he looked at each man face to face.

"Tomorrow, we will make a decision as to your disposition with the statements of injured parties being taken into consideration. In the mean time, along with the elf, I have arranged for some other company to visit you intermittently through out the evening." Turning, Dumbledore indicated everyone should step back.

Calling the elf, Dumbledore gestured to the armoires facing each cell. "Buggit, if you please?" he asked the elf.

The small creature approached the heavy furniture and opened the doors to release two Boggarts. One immediately formed into Voldemort in front of Phinnius; the other became an old woman with a cruel pinched face and hunched back. It gestured at Liam with a gnarled walking stick.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph." Exclaimed Liam as he pressed himself against the back wall.

"Saints preserve us." Cried Phinnius copying Liam's actions. He swallowed and looked over at his partner's fear embodied. "Who the hell is that Liam?" he demanded.

"Me Mother!" Liam wailed.

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At the Headmaster's insistence, Phaelan went to see Poppy Pomfrey in the hospital. After a quick assessment, she was given a potion to settle her stomach and a toothbrush. Phaelan freshened up and went to the room of requirement to meet with her rescue team. As she entered, they all turned to look at her. She smiled and walked towards them.

"Thank you all. You did a wonderful job. My heroes." She teased lightly. She watched with amusement as the four students blushed. "I think a reward is in order."

Stepping first to Seamus, Phaelan pulled his head down and kissed his cheek followed by Neville, Ron and Harry. She then turned to Remus and kissed his cheek only to receive a fraternal hug in return. Charley was next and she moved to repeat her gesture. She suddenly found herself dipped back and a very thorough kiss placed on her mouth. After a moment, Charley released her and helped her stand.

It took a moment to catch her breath but then she turned and said. "Wow." She suddenly felt a familiar presence behind her and turned to see her dark wizard. Before she knew it, Phaelan was in his arms, pressed into a deep and passionate kiss. Reaching up, she cupped his cheek and pressed herself to his body. After a very long moment, Severus released her mouth but not his hold on her.

Clearing his throat, Dumbledore interrupted the moment. "I think we should return to our chambers to prepare for tonight's feast. Phaelan, Philius has the results of the auction so far when you are ready."

"Thank you Headmaster." Replied Phaelan before turning and leaving the room followed by Snape.

The Headmaster walked to the door and turned. "I trust you understand discretion gentlemen. It has been an emotional day for all concerned." And with a knowing look at his students, he turned and left.

"See you later," said Remus before turning to Charley, "Charley, I believe you offered me a drink."

"Yeah right mate. See you all at the Ball." Said Charley following Remus out.

"Tell me I didn't see that." Seamus muttered.

"That could be psychologically damaging to a young mind." Said Neville.

"Yeah, makes me squeamish." Offered Harry.

"And I though I was thick." Said Ron looking at his friends. "Look at Snape. He's smitten. He's a different man when he's around her."

"What do you mean Ron?" Asked Seamus.

"When Charley arrived this morning, Snape heard me say 'shit' but he didn't deduct points or give me detention. He just threatened me." Ron explained.

The other three pondered what Ron had revealed and shook their heads.

"He's got it bad." Decided Seamus as they left to return to Gryffindor tower.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Severus had accompanied Phaelan back to her chambers. When the portrait opened, she pulled him in behind her.

"It's faster to floo from here." She told him before jumping into his arms and kissing him.

"Why do I need to save time, my lady?" asked a bemused Snape.

"Because..." she replied as he carried her into the bedroom where she stood apart from him.

As he watched, Phaelan undressed from her very practical flight suit, exercise bra, white cotton underwear and sports socks. Probably the most unsexy, unrevealing clothes he had ever seen her wear. In his eyes, she was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.

Climbing on her bed to kneel, Phaelan held her hand out to Severus. "Please?" she asked in a whisper.

Quickly pulling off his outer robes and shirt, Severus sat beside her on her bed while murmuring, "Phaelan, my beautiful practical Phaelan." as he pulled her into his arms.

A/N

x"Oh Jaysus, just hang on till ye get to the jacksx,

"Oh Jesus, just wait until you get to the bathroom."

xx"It was on sale at the Off Licence xx,

It was on sale at the liquor store.

xxx I hate fechin Courage beer. It takes fechin Courage to drink it.xxx"

Courage beer is the name of an English brewery. I too hate Courage beer. He has my sympathy.

xxxx What are ye, a Westbrit, ye wee nob.xxxx"

What are you a British sympathizer you little penis."

xxxxx"Bolllocks. "Seamus shouted back. "Me Da's a Guardaxxxx.

Bullshit. "Seamus shouted back. "My father's a cop (not in Northern Ireland)

Phaelan makes mention of standing to urinate. I had learned the technique many years ago as a Girl Guide (Girl Scout) while camping in rustic conditions. It is invaluable however, practice in the shower – less messy. Here is a website that describes how it's done. There are appliances that can be purchased as well.