Disclaimer: Don't own anything.
The Powers of Light
Chapter VIII
If The Ancient Castle Stays Risen For More Than Four Hours, See Your Doctor Immediately
"Runefaust at last!" the Force happ'ly moaned;
At last they could get back the weapons they had loaned!
But first, they looked at a pretty flower;
They found it to bring one of semi-great power!
"I am Hanzou the NINJ," the note said,
"I await you in headquarters, not quite dead.
Ph34r l\/ly 1337 l\lil\lj4 P0\/\/3r! Pirates suck."
The Force accepted, though they needed no fried duck.
Rolling their eyes, Max's group did proceed;
They longed to defeat the Dragon, to do the deed!
They felt like the Ancients (aliens or just from Rome?).
But most of all, they wanted to go home.
So long had it been since last Max had seen
Sweet Guardiana, his old life, and the glorious bean
That he loved like a brother.
With affection that bean he did smother.
That bean was Max's only friend;
The bean was the only one who would ever lend
Max a hand, a favor, anything.
Oh, yeah, and Varios, too. But he's dead.
Getting back on topic, Max left the bean behind;
Before leaving, he had a heart-to-heart with the blinds
And then the bean. He explained that it was too
Dangerous for a bean like him. I mean, cows go moo!
Now Max missed his bean, his bestest friend;
You would too, if Lowe was all you had.
Lowe was constantly stoned; Oddly enough,
On the same bong from chapter one… Good stuff.
True, Lowe's bongs had gotten them out
Of many a fix. That showed clout.
Well, OK, it was actually more like one.
But it did add a fair amount of fun!
Upgrading their weapons one final time,
They paid their last tourist fee of twelve dozen limes.
The tour went through Mahato's castle,
Where, guess what: They found gators to wrastle!
The Force was in shock! Max was overjoyed.
Now there were gators to wrastle, all named Lloyd!
Here in Runefaust, there was no weirdo named Ted
To kill them all off (or so he thought) with lead.
Unfortunately, as was already
Predicted by my awesome powers (girls, steady!)
Of (pause for thundercrash) FORESHADOWING(!)
(I tell you, it's completely maddening.)
As soon as Max even TRIED to wrastle,
Weirdo Ted came in and laughed at the castle.
Why he did this I do not know.
I thought he would kill the gators for the show.
Oh, never mind, Ted just slayed the crocs.
Guess my AWESOME POWERS were right. Dumb jocks.
Because he had no more gators, Max started to pout;
Incredibly pissed off, Mahato took the shot.
Max quickly face-planted, although it was not as seemed;
Mahato was simply dealing with his rage (MEAD!)
By getting severely drunk. Yes, using mead.
At least mead suppressed his normal human greed.
Max quickly conjured up a bucket of cold water;
Don't ask me how, just accept it. Welcome Back, Kotter.
He hit "A" and selected "Item" from the random
Clichéd pop-up menu, at which point he hit "Use." Dumb.
"No Effect" was his only reply.
Enraged, Max kicked the bucket. No, he didn't die.
He simply kicked the bucket of water really hard.
It flew away and hit a trav'ling bard.
The bard, being incredibly emo,
Composed a song about his whole
Horrific ordeal of getting hit with a bucket.
He was swiftly murdered in the interests of good taste.
Anyway, somehow the water still hit
Mahato, and much more than just a little bit.
He quickly sobered up, although, admittedly,
The difference was hard to see definitively.
Mahato began babbling incoherently:
"Oh, genderless sibling Otrant, STOP it PLEASE!"
Max quickly stabbed Mahato with the Breaker.
He decided he was better than an L.A. Laker.
Mahato started talking clearer:
"Oh, hey man, Darksol's gone for some beer.
Little does he know that I have my own
Secret stash of Bud!" Max moaned.
…In pleasure, I can assure you!
Budweiser, please oh please don't sue!
Max enjoyed a nice fresh Budweiser®,
Fresh from the magic fridge of Kaiser.
Max took the clues Mahato had gave him,
Remembering one in particular from the sim;
Ramladu, the King of Runefaust, was now
Darksol's official Beer Wench. But how?
Max attempted leaving, and swiftly found
That the guards would now let him through to the pound.
He rescued Jogurt from there and swiftly
Tossed him back into HQ, where he died thrifty.
He could now also access Ramladu,
And his pet cows that do NOT go "moo."
Instead, they go: ickywickytangwangbee
Ah, the heck with it: NI!
Attempting to enter the castle with the Force,
They ran straight into Darksol! …Of course.
"Hey Max. Have fun with my Beer Wench.
Course, I won't be needing him after this. French!"
Of course, in the Ancient Devil tongue
(Which I just made up while using my lung),
"French!" is the most dreadful insult one can receive;
It really is quite the pet peeve.
They walked into the castle, and for the first time,
They met Ramladu, class BRWN! …Got a lime?
Before fighting, he offered them a beer;
When they refused, he tried to incite fear.
He ran away crying when that did not work;
His pets attacked instead; "Dumb jerk!"
He screamed. Except for the Chimerae,
Most of the pets were easy as pie.
Have you noticed a flaw with that analogy?
Pie isn't actually that easy to make? Why
Did that expression appear? What smarmy
Jerk came up with that? Not me…
Back to the battle. Max easily won
And proceeded up the room in a hot dog bun.
Don't ask. Ramladu threatened revenge for his pets,
And released his robot puppies to settle all debts!
The Crew had fun slaughtering those;
And if this were not a poem, but prose,
There would be a description of this epic battle.
Sadly, this isn't. It's a fetid piece of cattle.
Max took on Ramladu one on one.
Ramladu quickly kicked the giant hot dog bun.
He claimed to be wielding a Holy Staff,
But it looked more like a mace. Go ahead, laugh.
Max kicked Ramladu's surprisingly strong
Butt with no casualties. And nothing went wrong.
Ramladu suddenly started hating Budweiser®,
And the magic fridge Kaiser.
He died free of being the Beer Wench,
But without being able to press bench
A lot. Attack ratings aren't everything.
…You'll die if you start to sing.
At the same time, Nova found a secret door
Leading to the Gate of the Ancients. Poor
Max had to go without earthquakes this time.
…And there was no magical mime.
Somehow knowing what to do,
Max went to the (very obvious) peninsu-
La and used the Glowstick… err, Chaos Breaker.
The Castle of the Ancients rose up from the sea…
"How those little gray guys built something like
That always amazes me… Mike'N'Ike?"
Said Nova, revealing more than anyone
Thought he knew. He obviously won.
Max ran to the Gate to find it somehow unlocked;
"This is bad," he thought, "My comp is overclocked
And anyone could have broken into the Gate!
Silly Darksol! You wouldn't be a good mate!"
He entered the Teleporter as fast as he could;
He really needed to chew Darksol out, but good!
He made it through, but found blocking his path
The giant Colossus, most fearsome in math!
It split into three, the best to divert
Max and the Force. The group took care of Bert
And Ernie, formidable foes,
And then prepared to strike a great pose.
In taking on Colossus, they remembered their training;
Freeze three, circle tight mainly;
Blaze three, just attack as hard as you can;
And Bolt three… You're screwed.
Nevertheless, they still defeated the final
Monster in a display of great idle
Fortitude. Amazingly, the wall collapsed
And steps appeared! They walked up them fast.
Upstairs, they found Darksol engaged in a
Dark Ritual. Shocking, the news today.
Just as he was about to raise Dark Dragon, too.
Stupid youngsters and their cows that go "moo."
The Force confronted the twisted Devil King,
And realized they had to bring
Some beer if they hoped to win.
So they left to get some Heinekin.
Returning with the beer, they thrust it
In Darksol's face. He self-destructed.
All the enemies died too, but sadly
This triggered a cut-scene, though very badly.
In it, Darksol moved into the Dragon's head.
The hardest part was fitting in the bed.
The Dragon had now woken up;
And lookie here, he had some luck!
Food! Right next to him! Oh, he was hungry!
He cackled madly and lightning flashed drunkly.
Now the Force began the final assault.
This time it was real, this time there would be no fault.
It was the final battle,
And truly, they all fought well with the cattle.
Dark Dragon was quickly subdued.
Or so they thought…
A/N: If you think there's something missing, don't worry, I know what I'm doing. Hope this was good…