So began the case of Wright v. State, with Chief Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth representing the plaintiff, Mr. Phoenix Wright, in his petition for legal personhood, and Defense Attorney Armin Payne, Winston Payne's cousin, representing the state of Japanifornia.

"A key requirement of marriage is consent, and consent requires the mental capacity to understand what he is consenting to. As an android, Mr. Wright is incapable of love! And thus he can have no understanding of a marriage!" Payne expounded.

"Objection! Love is not a legal requirement of a marriage!" Phoenix yelled, letting his unfiltered ideas escape his mouth while thinking through exactly zero of the implications.

"Goddammit Mr. Wright," Athena and Apollo muttered to each other in the gallery, wearing identical expressions of disgust.

"No beta, we die like Daddy," Trucy agreed.

Payne looked delighted. "Just as I thought! Mr. Wright does not believe love is essential because. . ." he paused for dramatic effect. "He does not love Mr. Edgeworth!" Gasps filled the gallery. Turning to Miles in sadistic glee, Payne continued "I concede that Mr. Wright is correct: love is not required in a marriage. But do you still consent to marry him, knowing that he does not feel love?"

Phoenix looked like he'd been hit in the face. "ACK! That wasn't what I meant! Miles, please believe me!" he cried.

Miles sighed in exasperation. "I know, dear. You were just grasping at straws, as is your modus operandi. Perhaps this will finally teach you to think before you object." To the judge, he said, "As our witnesses will attest, Mr. Wright has full capacity to understand and consent to complex situations. For our first witness, the prosecution calls Mr. Larry Butz to the stand."

Larry looked perfectly at home, standing on the witness stand with a carefree grin, a place he'd stood dozens of times over the years.

"Witness, state your name and occupation please," Miles instructed.

"Edgeyyyy! Don't you recognize me?" Larry whined.

"Just answer the question!" Miles snapped.

"Fine, fine! Geez, no need to be so uptight! Let me see. . . ."

Witness Testimony - Larry's Recollections

I've known Nick since we were kids.
Nick is really loyal. Super loyal.
He wrote letters to Edgey for years after he left, and then he went to law school!
He must have really felt something to do something like that, am I right?

"I see." The judge nodded. "Defense, your cross-examination please."

"Witness, please repeat your testimony," Payne instructed.

"Sure thing, pops. I've known Nick since we were kids," Larry began.
"You met in the fourth grade, is that correct?" Payne asked.
"You bet! We were best buds all year! Well, for half a year."
"What happened after half a year?"
"I'm getting to that!"
". . . Ok. Please continue."

"Nick is really loyal. Super loyal," Larry said.
"Hold it! Did his loyalty extend to others as well?" Payne pressed.
"Yeah, for sure! He defended Iris just because she reminded him of his ex, who tried to poison him. Long story."
"That seems quite single-minded, does it not?"
"No kidding. He even defended me! Pitiful old me!" Tears leaked from Larry's puppy-dog eyes.
Payne was unmoved. "Witness! Please add what you just said to your testimony!"
"Ugh, fine! Nick is really loyal to everyone he meets." Larry amended.

"He wrote letters for Edgey for years after he left, and then he went to law school!"
"Hold it! Why did he go to law school?"
"To chase after Edgey, of course!"
"This Edgey. . . That would be Mr. Edgeworth, correct?"
"Right."
"And did Mr. Edgeworth write back?"
"Nope! Not once!"
"The court demands that fact be added to the testimony!"
"He wrote one-sided letters for Edgey for years after he left, and then he went to law school," Larry said.

"He must have really felt something to do something like that, am I right?" Larry finished.

"Objection!" yelled Payne. "Your honor, there is a fatal flaw in the witness's testimony. Mr. Butz claims the plaintiff had strong feelings for Mr. Edgeworth. But it appears he holds the same feelings for everyone!"

"What—what do you mean?" stammered Larry.

"Oh yes. The plaintiff showed loyalty to an ex-girlfriend who tried to take his life!"

"Nick's just sentimental!" Larry yelled.

Payne shook his head. "Human sentiment dampens with time, but Mr. Wright persisted in writing letters for years! That seems pretty. . . inhuman."

"Objection!" countered Miles. "The witness testifies that Mr. Wright feels intense loyalty. Surely that's an admirable trait of an upstanding citizen!"

"An admirable trait? Ha!" Payne scoffed. "More like a codependent trait! Frankly, he sounds like an dependent machine, trapped by his rigid programming, blindly following orders!"

"No! Noooo!" Larry wailed.

"Enough!" Miles snapped. "That will be all, Mr. Butz! The prosecution calls the next witness to the stand!"

The next witness was a familiar face. "Name's Detective Dick Gumshoe. I'm a criminal affairs detective. I've known Mr. Wright since his earliest cases," Detective Gumshoe said.

"And would you say that Mr. Wright has reasonable situational awareness?" Miles asked.

"Oh, I don't know about that. He's always going around flashing evidence. It's a wonder he hasn't been straight-up murdered by now!" Gumshoe answered blithely.

"Urk!" Miles flinched. "Your own awareness is just as bad!"

"Yeah, you don't have to say it like that," Phoenix grumbled.

Gumshoe's face fell. "Sorry, pal."

"Ahem. That's alright. Please testify about your experience working with Mr. Wright over the years." Miles said.

"You got it, sir!"

Witness Testimony - Gumshoe's Experiences

Mr. Wright is a chaotic force on crime scenes! He's always turning up surprise clues!
Even when he's turned away, he finds a way to investigate somehow.
The only time I saw him give up was when Mr. Edgeworth left that note.
He was a mess! Wasn't showering or eating. He was hurting real bad.
If you ask me, you're all being pretty mean, talking about him like he's not human.

"Ah," Phoenix said, red-faced and staring at the floor. "I was hoping you wouldn't hear about that," he mumbled.

"I'm. . . sorry," Miles offered, equally abashed.

The gallery murmured. The judge cleared his throat. "I'm puzzled by the sudden gravity in this courtroom. Let's get on with the cross-examination, Mr. Payne."

"Of course, your honor." Payne waited for the most harrowing part of the testimony to interrupt.

"Detective Gumshoe, you said that Mr. Wright was not showering or eating, is that correct?"
"Yeah! He was in real bad shape."
"How did you discover his state?"
"I was the one who broke the news to him," Gumshoe explained. "I called to check up on him. He didn't answer for days. We had to break his door down."
"And what did you find inside?" Payne prompted.
"It was Mr. Wright. . . he was unresponsive and reeked of grape juice," Gumshoe said sadly. "From then on, me or one of the officers, we checked in on him every day, made sure he ate something. It was six months before he could take care of himself again."

Miles tuned out whatever argument Payne was making about androids and their food and showering needs, and instead focused on—

"Phoenix," Miles whispered brokenly. "Oh god. I'm so sorry. I never knew."

Phoenix held himself stiffly, frowning down at the floor. "The less said about that time, the better."

What have I done? The crashing wave of regret and self-loathing drowned out the court's proceedings. Miles didn't surface until the cross-examination ended.

This time, Trucy took to the stand, poised and giving the judge a winning smile. "Trucy Wright, professional magician and Mr. Wright's daughter," she introduced herself.

"Thank you, Miss Wright," said the judge, "Your testimony please."

Witness Testimony - Trucy's Daddy

Daddy took me in when my first daddy. . . disappeared.
He took care of me. Made sure I had food and a bed, and even helped me practice magic tricks.
Daddy was worried sick when I snuck into Papa's—Uncle Miles's—suitcase.
He wouldn't let anything happen to me. He'd take a bullet for me.
I know my Daddy loves me!

Trucy finished with a determined glint in her eyes. The courtroom was quiet.

"It's clear you love your Daddy," the judge finally said. "Mr. Payne, your cross-examination, please."

"As touching as the girls' testimony is, I find it quite irrelevant. Don't you?" Payne asked with a shrug.

"Why wouldn't it be relevant?" demanded Miles.

"Juridical persons are awarded rights and duties on a case-by-case basis," Payne explained. "For example, a corporation can sue, but it can't vote. Mr. Wright may well be a father, but that is irrelevant to whether he can marry."

"Objection! Of course it's relevant. Both parenting and marriage pertain to the family! The two roles have similar interpersonal and domestic responsibilities!" Miles said, slamming the bench.

"Speaking of parental responsibilities, Miss Wright, do you recognize this?" Payne held up a small box in his hands.

Trucy leaned in for a closer look, then fell back with a gasp. "Yes," she squeaked out.

"Please tell the courtroom what this is."

"It's. . . ." Trucy cast a scared look at Phoenix, who gave her an encouraging nod.

"It's ok, Truce. You can tell them the truth," Phoenix said firmly, though his hands trembled in white-knuckled fists.

"It's a deck of cards from the Borscht Bowl," Trucy said quietly.

Payne's face stretched into a toothy smile. "And how did you recognize it, dear?" he asked in a sickly, syrupy voice.

"I. . . Daddy. . . ." Trucy looked on the verge of tears. "He brought me to work with him," she gulped.

"Exactly," Payne sneered. "Mr. Wright brought the witness, who was then an eight-year-old child, to his secret poker games in a known criminal hideout. Did he love her. . . or did he find her useful?"

The courtroom immediately descended into chaos.

"Objection!" Phoenix leapt up, furious. "My daughter's the most important person in the world to me!"

"You're awful!" Trucy screamed at the same time, tears gathering in her eyes. "How dare you talk about my Daddy like that!"

"Objection!" Miles roared over the din. "He did what he had to, to take down an even bigger threat!"

"Order! ORDER!" The judge screamed. "That's quite enough of this line of questioning. The court will adjourn for a twenty minute recess!"

The second the gavel fell, Miles grabbed Phoenix by the collar and hauled him out of the courtroom, neatly preventing the murder of Mr. Armin Payne.

- O -

Author's notes: Why yes, I do enjoy arguing with myself for fun.