Dislaimer: Seriously. See previous chapters. More OOC-ness ahead.
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Office Repair Blues
Chapter III
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The doorbell rang. Two repair men who had been called by Walter a few hours earlier stood on the doorstep, trying to ignore the priest standing over the burnt ruins of what looked like it was once a lawnmower. Father Maxwell looked surprisingly professional, despite the fact that he felt like the world's biggest fool. His ceremonial robes fluttered about him as he moved around the lawnmower with incense, praying for its lack of immortal soul. The repair men shifted nervously, and jumped when Walter opened the door behind him.
"Ah, you must be from ACME repair company," Walter said cordially, holding open the door, oblivious to the nervous looks the repair men were giving Maxwell.
The two neon-clad employees stepped into the mansion after Walter, following the butler upstairs.
"Well, this is it," Walter said, opening Integra's office and gesturing to the smashed wall.
They gaped at it for a few seconds before one repair man asked, "How did this happen? That hole is enormous!"
Walter was silent for a moment. Then, "Did you see the lawnmower outside?"
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Alucard heard the doorbell from his basement lair. At first he rolled over and went back to sleep, but the curiosity was getting to him. Finally, he rose from his coffin, determining he wasn't going to get any sleep until he found out the source of this disturbance. He heard voices coming from Integra's office, and phased through the walls and up the stairs.
The two ACME men stared at Walter in shock. After hearing the fantastic tale of the Lawnmower of Doom, along with Hellsing's infamous reputation for being slayers of the supernatural, the men were a bit more than nervous.
But when Alucard's head, complete with trademark red hat, came through the floor to investigate, both the vampire and the workmen let out simultaneous screams.
Walter blinked and watched as the ACME men ran for their lives, being chased by Alucard and an extremely large flamethrower.
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"I haven't heard from the mansion lately," Integra said to Seras over dinner. She speared a potato and popped it into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully. "Perhaps we should go back."
"I'm not sure that's wise, Sir," Seras answered as she poured her glass of water in a nearby plant to make it look like she drank it. "Wouldn't Walter have contacted you if they were ready?"
"No. I didn't tell them where we were. And how would they think to check this remote island off in the Caribean?"
"So that's how you did it," Seras said in awe. "I was wondering why they didn't follow us."
"Ah, I learned that the last time I tried to take a vacation. I made the mistake of leaving the number of the hotel I was staying at, and within the hour I had a list of phone messages a mile long. Though," Integra leaned back in her chair. "I suppose it is rather quiet without Alucard's constant disturbances."
"Don't tell me you actually miss him."
"A bit, I suppose." Then Integra made a face. "But then I remember incidents like the Lawnmower of Doom, and I remember why I got away in the first place." She waved over the waiter. "Lets go back to the room."
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Walter continued to stare in shock as the workmen drove in their truck and sped away like Hell itself was on their heels. This analogy was actually not far from the truth, as Alucard was firing the flamethrower in random directions and laughing manically. The butler didn't even have to leave the room, as the repairmen hired to fix the gaping hole in the wall were currently causing about 26 traffic law violations as they sped away.
"Twenty-seven," Walter sighed as the truck ran a red light. Then he went to find the plaster he had purchased earlier that day.
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One person at the Hellsing mansion was actually enjoying this office repair session. Father Alexander Anderson hummed to himself as he carried a lawn chair, a glass of iced tea, and his ever present newspaper outside to enjoy the sun. The paladin set up his lawn chair in a particularly shaded area, dragged up a table to put his iced tea on, and settled himself down to read his newspaper.
Anderson was enjoying this little vacation. No crazed vampires in neon chicken suits claiming to be the ruler of all the goats in Switzerland, no constant threats from various enemies of the Vatican, and best of all, no Maxwell to nag him about relaxing instead of doing work. Anderson smiled to himself as he opened to the front page. He made a mental note to take vacations more often. Hawaii was supposed to be nice this time of year…
Woman Swallows Cell Phone
"Not again…" Anderson groaned, seeing yet more unusual headlines.
In an effort to hide the device from her boyfriend, a young woman swallowed her own cellular telephone. She appeared in the emergency room a few hours later, concerned that she was hearing strange music. When the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest, he was shocked to hear the chords of Oh When the Saints Go Marching In. The woman was given several laxitives in an attempt to flush the device out of her system.
Anderson, disturbed, quickly turned the page.
Satanist Jeans a Hot Seller in Sweden
A tight-fitting, punk rock style of jeans has made its way into Sweden. While the jeans appear harmless, the logo features a grinning skull with an upside-down cross. Though this did not cause a huge uprising, the jeans are now being shipped to more religious countries and controversy is expected. The company that makes the jeans has received more than one message complaining about the logo, but they plan to continue to manufacture the denim pants. These jeans are being shipped to France, Britan, and Australia, as well as many other countries.
Anderson ripped the article out of the paper and stuffed it in his pocket, reminding himself to show it to Maxwell later.
Pack of Angry Chihuahuas attack Local Repairmen
"This could be amusing," Anderson mused, reading on.
Two repair men from a local company approached a woman's house. When she opened the door, the men started feeding her a story so ridiculous the elderly woman sent her seven Chihuahuas chasing after them. The repair men's story involved a demonic lawnmower and being chased by a man in a red hat who was heavily armed. The police are looking into possible drug abuse in this case.
Anderson blinked twice, then burst out laughing. He fell out of his lawn chair and began rolling around on the ground, gales of laughter bursting from his lungs. The paladin gasped for breath as he managed to climb back into the lawn chair.
"Oh, if they only knew…"
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Two men in neon shirts with the ACME logo on the back ran around town with a homicidal vampire and a pack of angry Chihuahaus chasing them.
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Alucard returned to the Hellsing mansion to find Walter and Maxwell with a large can of plaster between them. Walter had already managed to fill in most of the hole, and they were applying the plaster over it. Without looking up, Walter tossed a tool in Alucard's general direction.
"You can do the top," he said, pointing up. "You're the tallest."
Grumbling under his breath, but knowing better than to argue with the irate butler, Alucard scooped up some plaster and set to work. After a few minutes, however, he grew bored and looked around the room for some kind of excuse to escape. His eyes fell on the large container of plaster, and an evil grin crept onto his face.
He snuck over and made a big show of getting a scoop to continue his manual labor, secretly forming a large ball of the white substance.
"Snowball fight!" he yelled suddenly, flinging the ball at Maxwell. The Judas priest looked up and his eyes grew wide as he saw a large ball of wet plaster flying straight towards him. He dove out of the way just in time.
The plaster connected with Walter's face.
Alucard paled and ran for his life as Walter chased him through the Hellsing mansion.
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A few hours later, Walter, Alucard, and Maxwell had applied the last of the plaster to the wall and stood back to admire their work.
"I think we're just about done," Walter said happily, stacking the supplies in a corner and surveying their work. "Just have to assemble the furniture and paint the office."
"Does that mean I can go now?" Alucard asked hopefully.
"Yes, yes," Walter said absently.
"See you, suckers!" Alcard cackled as he prepared to phase through the wall.
"Alucard, wait!" Walter yelled, noticing the vampire going through the newly plastered wall. "Don't go through the…" The vampire vanished. "…wall."
Out on the grounds, Anderson folded up his newspaper, picked up his iced tea glass, and turned to go inside. A plaster-covered, pissed off vampire landed at his feet.
"Ah didn't know we were going to hae rain," Anderson joked. He then started laughing. "Alucard, ye look like ae snowman!"
Walter and Maxwell at that time came running out the door. They skidded to a halt when they were greeted with the sight of a priest on the ground, tears streaming down his face from laughing too hard, and a formerly red clad vampire looking very much like a homicidal version of Frosty the Snowman.
"Screw you, Anderson."
- As always… To Be Continued –
Author's Notes: First of all, those stories in Anderson's newspaper are actually based off real events. I'm not poking fun at anybody in particular, its just for amusement.
Secondly, I'm hoping that the next installment will be the last, though I make no guarantees. But I'm pretty sure there won't be more than two chapters at the most, one for assembling the furniture, and an epilogue type thing for the homecoming. See my profile for more detailed information on why my updates are so slow. My current goal is to get this done by the end of January, but I make no guarantees, especially with the end of semester at the end of January. Again, see profile for more details.
Until we meet again, review? Reviews inspire me to update faster. And as always, I love suggestions given by readers. They help eliminate the Evil Writers Block.
Disclaimer: Cheap Monday jeans (the satanic ones) a real brand of jeans. The article where I found this can be found at I really didn't make that up. o.O