I'm glad you guys liked that last chapter, because I wasn't sure. I had no idea how to explain in words how much he cared for her, guilt, and total confusion…scary stuff, aye.

ImInsideLookingOut: Wow, thankyou so much. That is the best review I have had! I thought they were getting worse as I went along, but I guess not. You're really appreciated!

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Ryan couldn't sleep. The loud, bleeping machine was put by his ear, and, despite the sleeping tablets he took earlier, they didn't help. He just couldn't stop thinking about Marissa, lying limp on the operating table like something dead ready to be examined. He could see knifes cutting into her soft skin and ripping it apart. Needles jabbing into her arm, pumping seemingly toxic chemicals into her blood stream. The whole situation seemed petrifying and pointless.

Rolling over, he stared out of the window at the dark sky above. Clouds floated by, oblivious to the raging storm in his head. Ducks in the dozens glided along side each other in numerous formations, white wings stretched out like flags. For a moment, the birds hovered in mid air, then gracefully landing in a small pond nearby. It was amazing how simple their lives were. Eat for most the year, breed, fly south for the winter, then return for spring. The process never changed, constant and dependable.

Sighing, Ryan turned his back once again, pulling the blanket over his throbbing head. The last fix-up of pain relief had long worn off, and Ryan was really starting to feel it. It's just, something had to be real. He had to feel something other than numbness, see something other than nothing. Yet he still felt alone, no matter how many people shielded him.

'Ryan, you awake?' he heard the familiar, cautious voice come from the doorway. Forcing a smile, he nodded and pulled down the scratchy blankets.

There was Seth and Summer, looking very tired, standing a foot or so away from his bed. Summer was tucked gently under Seth's arm, like always. Since the two had got back together, they had been inseparable.

'Hey', Ryan replied eventually

As if she had a cow prodder jabbed up her bum, Summer leaped forward to strangle Ryan in a hug. Though it hurt, it was worth it if SUMMER hugged him. Moments like these came few and far between, to he cherished them. Putting on a fake smile, he rubbed the top of her head affectionately

'Hey Summer'

'Oh Ryan, I was SOOOO freaking worried!' she exclaimed, perching on the edge of the bed like a Parrot.

'Yah man, me too. You gave us all quite a scare', Seth added, watching his best friend carefully.

Through their friendship, they had always had each others back, and Seth had stuffed up. Ryan was always their for him, but he was too obsessed with Summer to even notice. It was his fault, in Seth's eyes. But only in Seth's, for Summer blamed herself. It was the same situation with her and 'Coop', as she called her, and felt as if she had let the lanky yet beautiful girl down.

'It's not me you should be worried about'

Ryan didn't have to go any further; they all knew what he meant. It was like a big black cloud hanging over their heads, threatening to break into rain at any moment. Everyone was on the edges of their seats, waiting to hear news from the Operating Theatre. Ryan, as everyone knew, had taken it the hardest.

Ryan blamed himself. If only's were constantly going through his mind. Memories were slowly piecing together and ravaging his brain like a deadly disease. Flashbacks played over and over, repeatedly waking Ryan from his sleep. That was what he was afraid of…

It was always him who brought a tear to her eye, him who caused all the pain. Many times he had walked into her room to see her sobbing into a fluffy pillow. When he had left her for Theresa, Went off with Lindsay, Yelled at her ect, the list was endless. Now, the pain was more than emotional. Now, he had blown it big time. He may have killed her.

There was a long silence, before tears ran down Ryan's face. It was the first time he had cried in front of anyone, let alone Seth and Summer. Covering his eyes with one swollen hand, Ryan tried to hide it all away. He was usually so good at it, but not today. Pretty soon, he was leaning into his friends for support, each giving each other worried glances.

After he managed to compose himself, he looked up upon the duo. It was a weird moment, as if caught in space. Neither said anything, just merely smiled comfortingly at the clearly distressed Ryan. Not that any words needed to be said, they had some sort of connection. It was quite odd, because Ryan and Summer hand t always gotten along, just mainly when times got hard or rough. When they did come along, the emotions they really felt came out.

'It's ok', she whispered, sitting down and hugging him close, 'I understand. I know it's no comparison, but Coop is my best friend. We both love her endlessly; we all do, but you, most of all. You two care for each other so much it hurts.' she paused, 'You have to understand, she needs you more than life itself. Don't give up; it's not your fault. The guy who was driving the boat was stoned, it wasn't you being careless. It's ok, she'll make it through, and she always does. Marissa is a rock, a soldier. But, she will need you to help her; you can help each other...'

It was encouraging to hear Summer's words. Well, enough to brighten Ryan's mood anyway. He was just going to reply when Sandy burst in.

'Sorry to break this up', he said frantically, 'But the doctor is coming to talk to us about Marissa'

The three jumped up, but Ryan more slowly. He was so sore from lying in bed all day, that a wheelchair was needed to get around. Groaning in pain, he hobbled over to the chair with Seth at the handles.

The hallway looked different than the day before. It seemed clearer, made more sense than the previous jumble of colours and sounds. Gazing around, Ryan looked at all the sick patients. Cancer, Bulimia, broken bones, internal injuries, viruses was all written down on paper beside's each person's bed. He hadn't checked what his own was. Actually, he didn't rally care. It would only be an assumption from some stuck up doctor. For example, once they tried to hospitalise Marissa, claiming she was anorexic. But once put on the scales, she was a perfect weight. If only it was that simple this time.

The room that they went into was small and hot. The wooden roofs were low and had only one window, up against the furthest wall. It had a gloomy feeling to it. In the middle, on the couch, were family members and close friends. Caleb, Julie, Summer, Seth, Ryan, Kirsten, Sandy and Jimmy, each looking tired and depressed. Many gave looks at Ryan, mainly Kirsten, in total sympathy. He was the one most upset, even more than Julie. He was sitting there, fiddling with his fingers, when the doctor walked in.

'Hello, I'm Doctor Phillip', the tall, blonde man said kindly.

Ryan snorted in irritation, 'we can read, just tell us about Marissa'. Kirsten gave him a 'look', and he quickly shut his mouth. Everyone knew those looks, as if it were the Grim Reaper. Looking down at the white tiles, he waited for the doctor to respond.

Doctor Phillip wasn't at all fazed by Ryan's remark, brushing it over swiftly. 'Ms Cooper has come out of surgery well'

Everyone heaved a sigh of relief, smiles popping up.

'But, she isn't out of the woods yet. We don't know if it has helped her legs. She has a 60 chance of walking again. But, she is ok at the moment, so if you want to go and see her in a minute you are welcome to. One at a time though'

Instantly, everyone looked at Ryan. It went without saying that he was to go in first, and he agreed without protestation. Smiling at the group of now joyful people, he wheeled himself up to ICU

There she was again, as amazing as ever. Tubes were stuffed down her fragile neck, as well as in her arms. Ryan chocked up all over again as he was wheeled to her side. Up close, he could see that her blue eyes were all puffy, joints swollen. It was just so hard to see this lively girl laying on a bed fighting for her life.

'Hey Babe' he said softly, sliding his hand into hers, 'I'm sorry I left you. I didn't want to, they made me…I wanted to stay here, make it alright, after what I have done to you. I'm so, so sorry Marissa. I never meant to hurt you…'

He was quiet for a moment, thinking over everything he had done to her in their past. The list was endless, only making the whole situation worse.

Ryan laughed dryly, 'Gee, I must sound like a broken record, eh? I'm surprised you have put up with me for so long, with what I have done. I don't expect you to forgive me…I can't forgive myself. But, you must understand that I love you. I love you more than anything. You're my everything. And, sometime's it hurts. I think about it, and my heart throbs. I don't think you understand, because I don't understand it myself. I can't explain it, because no words come to mind. Just…I would rather die than be without you.'

Seth and Summer stood by the wide door as Ryan poured out his heart to the sickly girl. Tears sprung to Summer's eyes, turning her head into Seth's chest, Usually, it was the other way round but Seth had learnt to be strong when the time came.

'It's not Fair Seth. Those two love each other so much. Why does it have to happen to them? I mean, Ryan would die for her, and she would for him.' she sobbed quietly.

He rubbed one had on the small of her back, 'I know Summer, I know.'

And he meant it too. If it was him and Summer, the situation would be the same. It would be hard for adults to handle, let alone immature 17 year olds. If anything worse was to happen to Marissa, Ryan would then be completely out of control. Seth hated to think of what consequences would come of it.

It was 2 days later, when Marissa opened her eye's.