The Mission
It was Molly who had delivered the bag to Tonks. And instead of moving to Grimmauld Place, Tonks found herself holed up at the Burrow, sharing a room with Ginny. Her plans, not even begun, were shelved when she heard the news – Remus was gone and no one could tell her when he would return. All she had by way of explanation was a hastily scribbled note, saying that she should forget him and go on with her life. He was "too old, too poor, and far, far too dangerous" for her to entertain any thoughts of a future with him. He was fairly sure he would not be returning. He would think of her. She should take care of Harry. He had not even signed it "love." Her hopes shattered, she had retreated into herself. Everything happy seemed to have gone out of her life and, despite Molly's assurances that Remus would be back and forget the unworthiness nonsense when his mission was over, she feared the worst.
As he apparated back into St. Mungo's, Remus had been met by Dumbledore in the lobby. "Remus, I hesitate to do this, given how harrowing I know the past day has been for you, but we urgently need you to undertake a mission for the Order. It will be the hardest thing I've asked of you yet, and I apologize for thrusting this upon you so soon."
"Headmaster, you can count on me for anything that will further our cause, you know that," Remus assured him.
"Then I think we should go somewhere more private to discuss this. I'm afraid headquarters is no longer a possibility, until we determine the legal status of the property. Please meet me in my office at Hogwarts within the hour, Remus." He had barely enough time to pen a brief note and drop the bag in Ron's room with Molly before he was on his way to Hogsmeade.
She slipped out of the infirmary and made her way to the front gate, intent on apparating as far from Remus as possible. She could hardly breathe, her chest felt heavy, and her eyes were swimming with tears. Not only had the Order lost its leader, but she had also realized that Remus would never consent to let her love him. She had to learn how to forget this madness! The pain she felt each time he rejected her was worse than the last. What had happened to the strong, independent young woman she had imagined herself to be? Now she felt older than the world and completely broken. Remus had sent her to the brink of despair. She couldn't afford to throw herself off the precipice; the Order needed her. Her parents and Ginny and her fellow Aurors needed her. Suddenly, she heard someone quickly approaching and turned, wand at the ready, adrenaline flooding her already tense body. She managed to stop herself before flinging a barrage of irreparable curses at a clearly startled and shaken Remus.
"Molly and Minerva have already threatened to hex me into oblivion for what I'm doing to you, so you can put your wand down. To be honest, though, the look in your eyes has done more damage to me than any curse could."
"Remus, I think I'm finally beginning to understand that you don't care about me. And don't tell me you do, because if I keep telling myself that you don't, maybe one day I'll believe it. It hurts too much to think you still care."
"I want to show you. Please, maybe it's the only way you can understand why I don't deserve your love. And why even if I were to be with you, you would only grow to hate me. Can we go back to the school? I want to use the pensieve. I want you to see for yourself what a monster I am."
"We don't need a pensieve, Remus. If you want to let me in, and I agree that I want to see your demons, we can do it right now."
"You're a legilimens?"
"You can't repeat that to a soul, Remus. There are some things an Auror has to keep secret at all costs. Do you promise?"
"While you can't trust me with your life, though you don't believe it, your secret is safe with me. I want you to see."
"Then close your eyes and put your hands in mine." She took his large, scarred hands in hers and uttered "legilimens" softly. Clearly, Remus had had his mind revealed before, as he quickly organized his thoughts for her. First, she felt the euphoric warmth of their friendship, inwardly delighting in the assurance that her feelings had been reciprocated. The many hours they had spent at Grimmauld Place, their midnight chats over tea in the kitchen, their friendly academic sparring, and, soon, the glances that they both knew meant more than friendship.
Suddenly, she was thrown into what was obviously a dream. Remus walked in a realm of confused smells and sharp sounds, missing something essentially human. He must be in his werewolf form, she realized. She saw a blur, recognized a scent that she knew must be hers, and shuddered in terror as the dream Remus took off in pursuit. He cornered the dream-Nymphadora and leapt at her throat, taking a perverted delight in ripping flesh from bone.
She felt his exhaustion as he pushed another memory into her view. This was a real memory. Remus, again transformed, was following a pack of werewolves deep in the mountains. The others were yipping encouragement to him. "Kill," the wolf understood. "Kill men. Kill their young. Eat their sweet flesh and sate yourself with their blood!" She could hear the screams of a woman in the distance followed by a sickening silence. Remus turned, frantic, fighting his urge to follow the pack and his need for fresh meat. The moon was sinking toward the horizon, and as his internal battle raged, a wave of sharp, unbearable pain wracked his body. Moments later, he looked down at his naked human form and was ashamed. He was neither man nor beast and could never hope to be successful at either. Even if he gave into the wolf, he could not be one of them. Just as wizarding society would never accept him. He heard an angry snarl above him – it was Grayback, covered in gore and eyes wild. "There's no reason why I shouldn't kill you right now," he growled. "You've done nothing to prove your loyalty to us. I'll give you one more chance, just because you're my blood child. She felt a strange sensation, as Grayback did just what she was doing now, but with a violence and disregard for Remus that she could only call rape. He tore away just as suddenly. "Bring me her head. Otherwise, the next time I see you, you're a dead man." Grayback faded into the darkness and Remus' world went black. She knew Grayback was talking about her.
She felt him pull back but kept Remus' hands firmly in her own. She had seen what he had to show her, and she was unafraid. She knew that this was the only chance she had of proving to Remus that all of that didn't matter to her. Why, a hundred creatures just as dangerous would love to get revenge on her. And hundreds more men, equally dangerous and infinitely more calculating. Her life was defined by danger, and she wouldn't have it any other way. Softly, she whispered to him, "Now it's my turn, Remus. I want you to enter my mind now. See yourself stepping through the doorway." She invited him in, and when she felt his presence in her mind, pulled his physical body into a tight embrace. She flooded his senses with her love. "I forgive you for the dreams you cannot control, Remus. I forgive you for the hatred of others. I forgive you a nature you neither chose nor embrace. I forgive you for being the victim of circumstances beyond your influence." She felt him slump to the ground, sobbing, but she held tight to him, clutching his hands, now trembling. "I even forgive you for your hard-headedness, since it's one of the things I love best about you. I haven't yet forgiven you for one thing, though. Can you guess what it is?"
She gently withdrew from his mind, breaking the mental connection but maintaining their physical contact. He had seen what she needed him to but she would not force him to endure any more. If she did so, she would never be sure that what might happen between them would be his free will or his defeat. She had great respect for him and would rather never see him again than know that she had forced her desire on him. Indeed, she would have given up on him a year ago had she seen in his eyes that he did not return her love. And spared herself a lot of heartache.
"I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye. I had no idea that would be the last time we'd see each other, Dora, I swear."
"I know," she quietly said. Tears began to run down her face and she knelt down with him. "Molly said they'd sent you on a secret mission for the Order. That Dumbledore hadn't given you any warning. That you'd been on your way back to see me when he sent you away. I was terrified, not knowing where you were, what you were doing. I thought I'd die."
"I should never have left you, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too. The last time I saw you, I should have done this." She grasped his lapels and pulled him to her, pressing her lips to his and securing her arms about his back, preventing either of them from making further apologies. They remained like that, arms entwined, lips wordlessly expressing all of the love, fear, hope, and truth that they had been unable to speak before. As darkness began to fall, he softly said, "come with me." They stood and apparated before the door of an ancient, decrepit stone cottage. She knew, as they crossed the threshold, that this was her home. Whatever would come, she would be beside him. He wordlessly led her into the kitchen and lit a merry fire in the hearth. He set a kettle to boil and then invited her to join him on the tattered rug by the fire. She brushed the tear stains from his cheeks and clasped his hands again in hers.
"There are so many things I would like to do right now, but maybe it's better if we have a cup of tea and talk a bit?"
"I don't know whether I have the words to express what I'm feeling right now, Remus. But I do know that there's only one thing I really need to hear."
"I love you, Dora," he breathed. "I have for so long now. But why would someone as intelligent and beautiful and wonderful as you want to ruin her future with something like me? I would destroy you."
"Oh, Remy," she sighed, using her childhood name for him. "But how can we know what the future holds? We have right now, and that has to be enough. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. No matter what comes"
She touched his face, tracing the line of his jaw with her finger and sliding her fingers through his hair. He slowly pulled her toward him, pressing his lips to her ear, whispering softly to her as he took her earlobe between her teeth and felt a shudder go through her body. She kissed the curve of his neck, feeling the thrill of anticipation like electricity in the air. The cheerful whistle of the teapot interrupted them, and they sat themselves back by the fire with chipped mugs full of steaming tea.
After a few sips, Tonks felt the warmth settle into her stomach and into her heart. She smiled tentatively as Remus met her eyes. He raised an eyebrow. "What happened to your hair, Dora? I miss the pink." She closed her eyes and willed it to change, as she had so many times since he left, without effect. "I think I've lost my powers, Remus. It's been months since I could change anything." she sadly remarked. "Oh, really? I think that's the most vivid shade yet!" She saw her reflection in the dark mug and let out a whoop of joy. "I take it that was my fault?" Remus asked, abashed. "Because of you, but not your fault. You've made all the apologies I want to hear for now." They sat in companionable silence for many hours, sipping their tea, exchanging increasingly confident kisses, and smiling like fools. When they could no longer keep their eyes open, they drifted to Remus' disused old bed and collapsed, arms intertwined, into the most peaceful sleep either had had in many long months.