I hope everyone's Holidays were great!
Ok, so not all of this chapter happened in season 4 (so i guess it's a bit "AU"),
although I wish they had a scene like this!
Please review and enjoy!

Featuring "Fly" by Celine Dion

The rain was dropping fat drops on every inch of the stationary car. It was pounding the black, slick cement of the parking lot, the noise deafening and frightening. Michelle didn't hear a thing. She couldn't process anything. She sat in her large car, only vaguely aware of how she had gotten there.

She was somberly ordered home by someone, she had spoken to them, but at that point she couldn't feel anything but numbness. She could now, though. She knew she had walked the rows of cars to reach her own; her clothes were beyond damp, soaked to the skin, her hair threatening to curl. She should have been cold, she was always cold, especially in the rain, but she just felt empty. And the burning tears rolled out of her eyes, down each inch of skin, covering her perfect complexion with the intricate sloping stains only tears can produce.

Tony is the only one ever able to keep me warm. Michelle realized with a start when the outside draft seeped through the glass and metal of the car, turning her wet shirt icy. But she couldn't start the car, she couldn't leave.

Tony. He was gone…

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
You were my softest cloud, my whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape our sorrow and your pain
And fly again

Tony. He was gone. Really gone. Not like those times before when she had cried like this until she succumbed to sleep; then he was only miles away, even if not with her anymore.

Now they couldn't start over again. They would never do what Michelle had wanted to do since the terrible divorce. Now she was empty. Cold. Only Tony could keep her full, content, cozy. And much as she had tried after the divorce, she couldn't be with anyone but Tony. Somewhere at the back of her mind, while the other thoughts were racing through, Michelle decided that she was going to take her old wedding ring off of her bedside table, where it always sat, and she was going to put it back on her finger. She was never going to take it off. That's what she wanted, but it didn't feel like enough.

As had the cold from the outside, the pain seeped into her bones. Physical pain that one might associate with a broken bone… but this pain was from a broken heart. Why? She wanted to ask. Why me, him, us? She didn't know where to turn; her world was closing in on her, slowly. She wasn't scared of the suffocation that the closing in was sure to cause, she had felt it before, she just didn't know if she could live through that again.

Michelle thought back. Yes, she had talked to Bill. He was sorry for them. And everybody else would be, she knew, but what could they do now? Tony was dead, part of her was dead. It hurt more than ever before- to have the one thing you'd wanted, no- needed, given to you, and then ripped out of your hands, with you left behind, wildly flailing in order to try to feel it again.

She felt the tears slightly ebb and blur her eyes as she tilted her head backwards to the ceiling. Could Tony see her now? Was he watching her cry, was he wishing that he could hold her now? The tears flowed harder…

Fly, fly my precious one
Our endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
Feel my love forevermore
And hold my memory bittersweet
Until again we meet

Michelle tried to control her breathing, regain charge of her mind- she knew she could. She was still shaky when she slowly, apprehensively reached over to the glove compartment. She quickly withdrew her hand as it popped open. With another deep breath, salty tears almost obstructing her view, she reached into the lit box; her hand immediately touching metal, what she was looking for. She calmly placed it on the passenger seat and shut the compartment with a hesitant click.

Michelle stared straight ahead and steadied herself to look at what she had extracted. In one precise, unhurried, fluid motion, she turned her head to the seat and looked down. There was her gun, the metal flickering from the past midnight sheen penetrating the glass window. The rain cast strange patterns across the car seats and her lap, and the gun. Surprisingly the sight of her loaded gun didn't scare Michelle, she didn't yet know why she had taken it out, but now that she had, a serene atmosphere settled into the dark car. It seemed to give her tears more meaning. ..

Fly, fly no need to leave me here
I won't waste a breath, try to not shed a tear
Our hearts are pure, our soul can be free
Be on your way, but please wait for me
Above the universe we'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
We will never forget

Why did she take out that gun? Michelle asked herself rationally, but she knew the answer. She only wished she had her wedding ring with her. She choked down her cries, the tears coming faster, more violently now, as she remembered her possessiveness of the ring. She thought of it as her personal piece of Tony, always wrapped around her finger, always for her to have.

While married she would wake up at night -waking up Tony in the process- when she forgot to put her ring back on before falling asleep, after needing taking it of for one or another reason. She would wake Tony, and he, mumbling and bumping into furniture in the dark would journey to the bathroom, grope along the marble countertops, until he could return the silver band to her. She always made Tony replace the ring on her finger with a kiss. When she had left Tony, she gave him her ring. Every night of their separation, Michelle would cry herself to sleep, and then wake up panicked, feeling naked and alone, needed her ring to comfort her, wishing there was Tony to comfort her. But her ring was never there, nor was Tony. The day their divorce was made final, his lawyer gave her a small package. No note. She had shakingly entered her house and opened the package. Inside was her ring. He had known she would need it. Michelle didn't know if she should be offended or if she should want to thank him. But she stopped sleeping with that ring on, and the dreams and disoriented nights still left her crippled. So, every night after a terrifying dream, she would sweep her hand across the oak table to clutch the small circle to her chest. She slept with the silver band pressing into her palm, every day she left it by her bedside. Michelle couldn't put it on again, Tony wasn't hers anymore, and wearing the ring reminded her of what she used to have, what she had lost. But holding the ring gave her a bit of comfort, a bit of the old Tony.

Now, as she ran her fingertips over the smooth and cold metal of the gun, she almost wished she could feel the two metals scrape together, hear them clink. But at the same the thought almost scared her. Only almost.

She looked straight ahead as she gingerly removed her hand. Her vision blurred again and she became conscience of a fleeting hot sensation on her neck. Just a tear, and it turned lukewarm then cold as it and others slid under her shirt. A deep breath -not a sigh- ensued. She stopped thinking for a moment and felt the frosty bitter pain cascade through her again. She was nothing now, she knew this. Again she looked over to the thing on the seat. She stared at it again. It was there, right next to her; within an arms reach.

Tony. She opened her mouth to say his name into the silence, but she couldn't form the words. I love you, she wanted to say. Michelle quickly and deliberately wiped her face with a sleeve. Her makeup was long gone through the course of the day, only a trace of gray black remained under the glassy eyes of her now mostly dry face. Her tears backed up into her eyes and she stared stoically ahead as they threatened to spill over, her head, her chest, everything aching. The option was there, it hung, cloudy around her head…

Fly, fly little wing
We'll fly where only angels sing
We'll fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

The silence was broken by the ring of a phone. Hesitation set in. Michelle knew she had to answer it, old habit kicking it, and she grimaced at the unprompted pain her arm generated at its reaching to her cell phone.

"Hello?" she questioned in a shaky voice, barely conquering the growing lump in her throat; willing her voice not to quiver, her tears to wait before spilling at the sound of her own words in the air. She diverted her eyes from the gun as she had spoken. She didn't know who would be calling her or why, but something told her it must be important...