Chapter Forty-Eight

Sundermount

(Birthday request from Saterra3950!)

The question became how to give Cullen space to think without making it obvious that I was doing that.

The Answer came when Hawke mentioned that they needed to head up Sundermount – I had known they hadn't done so yet since Merrill was never around, but I suppose with everything else going on… it slipped my mind.

I insisted we head out at once. I only allowed two guards to come with us.

The ones chosen were not even from the same groups – I brought Taliwe and Elaria.

The moment we were outside the city, Hawke sort of cornered me, "What the fuck is going on?"

I jerked at his frustration, "Is something the matter, Hawke?"

"You've been in a slump for six days – since you came back from that wedding. What happened there? Did the bride not live up to…?"

"Don't insult Bella… I just had it out with Cullen – told him Dragon secrets and… I'm just not exactly sure if we're still together or not. He didn't say we were over – just that he needed time to think; but… that was the same night as the wedding. I haven't seen him or heard from him since then."

Taliwe clenched her jaw, "The least he could do; would be to not draw it out. It is bad enough that you are left broken hearted – it will be worse if he does end it after a time. You have suffered quite enough at the hands of others. If he has not made up his mind by the time that we return… Ivan has declared he will be storming the Gallows to duel him for being honorless."

I sighed, "I wish he wouldn't. This is my fault – I didn't tell him what he was getting into with me in the beginning and… he has a lot of information to process. He's mortal, Tal."

She shook her head, "I think that it's simple – either he loves and wants you or he doesn't."

Fenris' spoke, "He may want her – but cannot bring himself to share her with another. And depending on what she told him…"

"Dragons – once claimed – can only have offspring with the ones who claimed them. Elune interfered and helped Alistair and Cullen claim me. I can only have children with them. I told Cullen that I refused to claim them – I just… what if they tire of me and eventually leave? I don't wish to be what causes them to not have children. I couldn't bear to see the blame in their eyes."

Elaria looked pissed, "And what about you? You are an immortal – a goddess, chosen by Elune and the Sunwell and Cenarius. They marked you – claimed you – and you will never have children with another so long as those men live. How is it fair to you?"

I scoffed, "Who said it was, El? Cullen learned that night that it was never possible to have me as all his past the year. That wasn't fair to him – to learn that he was chasing a false hope; if he was chasing that at all. Before coming to Thedas, I would tell you that everyone I ever loved tired of me and left. Ness supposedly loved me – and she left me. Kayn – if you need another example – didn't come back to me or… he never told me that he loved me anyway. And those are just the two most recent examples."

"So you would give them up before they could leave you… I think you may have walked into that conversation with Cullen on purpose," Hawke shook his head.

I sighed, "I don't know – maybe."

"So Alistair doesn't know?" Bethany asked softly.

I shook my head, "He has no idea. I wasn't sabotaging that relationship before because I thought it was doomed to end when he took the throne."

"What else haven't you told him that you told Cullen?" Carver asked.

"The vow with Elune – that it will hold even if… but I didn't need to make that vow it seems. Being claimed, my dragon won't even allow me to look at others in that way anymore. Any ties I form now will be familial ties only."

"What if they want more?" Anders asked. I shrugged, "If my mate desires another woman or a man… I might be able to get behind that; if they wish to mate with the person. If it were only a fling – now that I'm claimed – I'd get rather… jealous. I may not be able to stop myself from staking a claim if they're still with me. If they've broken things off with me and are moving on… that's different. I didn't think I could get jealous – but… mating seems to have changed that."

"Your father once told me that being territorial was natural – that if you didn't care to guard what you had, you should not have it; it was not yours to have." Taliwe was speaking softly – as though to a wounded animal; one she was worried would run.

I sighed, "I can somewhat see that – but the thing now is that they aren't mine… not anymore. Cullen left last week and hasn't returned. He said he needed to think – so I won't be going to him and intruding on him."

"What if that's what he's waiting for – a sign that you do care?" Hawke asked.

I looked away, "Then all the better, right? Let him believe that I don't care – let him move on with someone who can be his; and only his. It's better that way."

Taliwe snapped and slapped me, "Better for whom? You said that the other one who was meant for him would belong to another!"

I shook my head, "Things can change; in that future, I wasn't meant to come here… to Thedas."

She looked stricken, "You truly believe you don't deserve them?"

I didn't answer – what could I say? She was right – I knew I didn't deserve them; I was used, dirty and not worthy of life. My soul belonged to the Maw; eternal torment and suffering were my lot in the afterlife. What more could I do?

Alistair needed a proper Queen; Cullen deserved a true lover…

"Do you really think that Elune would have intervened if you didn't deserve them? She chose them for you as much as your Dragon side did. If she didn't approve, she wouldn't have caused the claims. You wouldn't have Duncan either."

I considered Elarias' words, "They deserve better – you can't convince me otherwise."

"They don't seem to want better, Tara – they want you," Hawke was frowning.

I shook my head, "Alistair might – but Cullen won't… not after this. And I already told him that I can't just… be with one of them. My more primal instincts want all or nothing. I love them Hawke – but I no longer have them."

Hawke flinched, "Shit – so because the Knight-Captain has his head so firmly lodged up his arse… you get to suffer?"

I snorted, "I don't see it that way – his head is… I see it more as fate playing with me. Perhaps I should travel to Revendreth at some point – all people have sin-stones there the moment they enter the realm; the smaller it is the less likely you are to be damned there. Since I'm an immortal goddess and my soul will actually go to the void… I'd like to see how big my stone is that it would damn me so much."

"That's the afterlife with the Venthyr right?" Varric asked. I nodded, "I've lived so long and done so many things… I'm sure my sin-stone would be rather large indeed. Souls sent to Revendreth are made to atone for their crimes for centuries before being given the option to become a Venthyr or move on to their next life – granted they are redeemed; if the soul is irredeemable, they are sent to the Maw – the realm of eternal torment and suffering."

"Damn, scales – that's not heavy at all…"

I shrugged, "Usually the people, who commit genocide, kill their kids, or such are sent there. I didn't do that kind of stuff, but… I admit that I sometimes killed for revenge and not justice. Of the four afterlives I know about, that is the one I would most likely be assigned to – Bastian is for people who serve, Maldraxxus is for people who relish the fight and defend, Ardenweald is for those with a close bond to nature, and Revendreth is for the sinners; I don't like fighting, I serve because I must, and my bond with nature is more twisted than one would think for what I am… there are many other afterlives, but those are the only four I know of."

Elaria frowned, "You believe you have a large sin-stone?"

"I should, right? Unless some of those sins weren't as bad as I thought they were or were somehow negated, that's where I belong – or am I to be doomed to the Maw if I weren't to spend eternity in the void?"

Hawke slapped me – stunning all of us. I lifted an eyebrow, "Something to say?"

"Yeah – you're being a broody bitch. It works for Fenris – it does not work for you. Get your head out of your ass; you said Cullen didn't break things off with you – he just needed some time. Not everyone can be all awesome like me – I took what you are in stride."

Fenris snorted, "I am not broody."

"Yes, you are," we all chimed. Varric smirked, "Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you walked passed – they'd have broody babies in your honor!"

Elaria nodded seriously, "He isn't wrong; I know Taliwe has considered asking to bed you."

Taliwe nodded, "Oh yeah – the only thing holding me back is that you sound like my Regent Lord."

I laughed at that, "Yeah – before getting to Azeroth, I actually had a big crush on Fenris; then my step father was Lor'themar and… big turn off. Still… he is very handsome…"

Fenris was flushed at the attention he was receiving.

"My point was that you need to pull your head out of your own ass long enough to see that you still have Cullen at the moment."

I sighed, "Until I hear from him, I just… I don't know what to do Hawke. Dragons mate for life. He and Alistair are already my mates… you don't quite get what that means past the fact that I won't bed anyone else. It means… it means that I can never have a child that isn't theirs – so if I've lost them… even if they die of old age and I'm still around… I can never have another child. I love children… I was promised another and if I… oh…"

"What?" Taliwe asked with furrowed brows.

"I was promised another child, Taliwe – and I may have just lost Cullen meaning that I won't have Alistair… fucking shit – Elune!"

A tinkling laugh flitted on the breeze, causing Fenris to stiffen and Elaria to gasp, "You mean you're… pregnant?"

"That's what that means to a T – fucking-A… Elune fucked with my birth control to fulfil her promise to me…" I gave a small smile despite myself.

"What about Cullen?" Hawke whispered.

I frowned again, "I… I suppose I should tell him… he does have a right to know. I'd only be a week and half to two and a half weeks along at the moment so… there's no real need to get touchy about it now. I fought in the Blight until I was 7 months almost. I even went into the Deep Roads and fought the Archdemon. I'll wait until either he returns or I hit the three-month mark so I'm past the first trimester. Though… if he… hasn't returned by then… I may have my answer anyway."

Elaria flinched lightly, "That's… true."

"So that laugh we heard… was Elune then?" Anders asked.

I gave a firm nod, "She loves to fuck with my life… I'm sort of happy for it though. I…"

"I get it," Bethany gave a soft smile.

"Wait… I slapped a pregnant woman?" Hawke looked mortified. To say nothing of Taliwe slapping me before that.

I nodded and Fenris simply said, "I can fix that."

Elaria nodded, "If you don't, we do."

Fenris hauled off and decked Hawke – causing him to fall like a sack of potatoes. I sighed and shook my head, "Alistairs' going to go nuts if he finds out I'm pregnant again – and so soon too…"

"Yeah – he'll demand that you marry him," Hawke spat blood out.

I nodded, "He would – I already had one child out of wedlock, he won't want me to have another."

"What are going to do about the expedition?" Anders asked. I tilted my head, "I'm still going."

Everyone started arguing, "No, you are not," Hawke snapped, "You are pregnant – I won't be responsible if the child…"

"Hawke – it won't be my first trip to the Deep Roads while pregnant – and you'll need me. I can detox the Blight; if anyone but Carver or Bethany gets it…"

"I'll take Ka'yu or…"

"You will not take any women other than Bethany or me; we can call Inas, but I won't risk… do I make myself clear?" my voice was dark.

"I'll take Inas then – but you aren't going."

I sighed, "Fine; whatever. But we have to pretend I'm not pregnant for now – we can't risk enemies doing something bad."

"I can live with that – but rely on your magic more and weapons less." Anders said.

I shrugged and we approached the Dalish Clan.

They looked at me in awe – taking in my purple hair and Vallaslin. The male of the two said, "Halt – we cannot allow humans…"

"They are the ones the keeper spoke of – Flemeth sent them. I know; you expected an Elf – but Hawke here is the one with the Amulet. I do have news from Lyna Mahariel though."

The man jerked, "Speak it."

"She's the new Commander of the Grey – and she married an elf assassin. His mother was Dalish, at least, so not a complete flat-ear."

The woman chuckled, "She swore to never marry – not again. I guess it's good that she has. Marethari is over there – can I ask about the purple hair?"

I shrugged, "Sure – but I'm surprised you're not asking about Taliwe and Elaria. We're from Azeroth – another world. Taliwe is my emissary from my step-father, Regent-Lord Lor'themar of the Sin'dorei; Elaria is a Priestess of the Moon from the Night-Elves. I am both, hence my coloring."

I could see many elves watching us by this point.

I continued, "My purple hair is from the Night Elves. Hey Elaria, Taliwe, can you field these questions?"

Elaria inclined her head, "Of course, Tara."

I nosed my way over to the Craft-master, Ilen, "Hi… this isn't meant to sound bad, but can you mark the Ironbark Grove on my map? I won't take more than a very little and since I've fought with Grey Wardens – including Lyna Mahariel – I can promise that the Darkspawn will be cleared out for your hunters. I'll give you this Heartwood in return," I pulled out the heartwood I had collect along with the ancient heartwood for the bow that Wade made.

Ilen blinked, "Where did you get this?"

"Lyna showed me how to harvest it while we were working in the Wending Wood." I smiled. His hand closed around the satchel of wood and said, "I'll mark your map; you bear our marks and one of Asha'bellanars' rings – and Ma Serannas for the Heartwood."

I beamed at him as Taliwe came up behind me. She said, "How long until you tell your step-father about…?"

"After I tell Cullen. If you all weren't with me when I realized, then you wouldn't know either."

We began moving toward the rest of the group as she said, "You should tell him soon then; Lor'themar will wish to be… more involved in this one."

I shrugged, "I hid the last one until 6 months, Tal – honestly, I didn't know until 4 ½ months, but still."

"I think you should tell him sooner – he was… hurt."

"But Cullen should know first – this is his child… and I don't want to tell him until… either he comes back to me or I'm at least 3 months along. You know that the chances of miscarriage… I can't risk enemies trying something, Taliwe."

"… I suppose that is… fair. But before 4 months if you can?" she pleaded.

I ran a hand through my hair, "Oh… fine."

I then looked up to see the Dalish Maleficar – Merrill. She was 5'4 with soft black hair, big green eyes and tanned skin. She was talking with Hawke, but kept glancing at Taliwe and Elaria.

When we reached them, she asked, "Oh – Hello… I'm Merrill… can I ask…?"

"Elaria is a Night Elf and Priestess of the Moon; Taliwe is a Blood Elf and a Warrior. Blood Elf as in Child of the Bloodlines, not a blood mage." I smiled at her.

Poof – just like that, the two elves from Azeroth were fielding more questions from a Thedasian elf.

Merrill – as it turned out – could talk 40 miles in a minute…

As we climbed the mountain, I was made to stay back from all fights – no one was allowing me to do anything… not even post-battle healing.

It got to the point that I just teleported back to the house since the whole trip seemed pointless.

Unfortunately, Taliwe and Elaria had already told my other guards the big news with orders not to tell anyone else. This meant that Ivan followed through on his 'threat' so here I was rushing after him to the Gallows.

Renly followed after us.

At the Gallows, Ivan stormed up to Cullen with me panting along behind him – almost winded because Ivan wouldn't fucking slow down for the short person.

Ivan grabbed Cullen by the arm and turned him to face him, "Cullen Stanton Rutherford of Honnleath; I, Ivan Knottley of Gilneas, challenge you. You have shown a lack of Honor and responsibility that I find deplorable."

Cullen blinked as I shouted, "Ivan, stop this. He doesn't know. I didn't know so how could he?"

Ivan snarled, "A man should step up and care for his pups."

Cullen looked completely confused before it seemed to click in his head – he was talking to a wolf man… and what were wolf babies? Pups.

Cullens head swiveled and the horror on his face as he whispered, "Y-you're…"

I looked away, "It doesn't… it shouldn't affect any choice you make regarding us. I wouldn't have said anything until either you made your choice or I had passed 3 months. As it is… it's so soon that I wouldn't even have known if it weren't for… circumstances. Please, please don't feel obliged in any way. I only found out this morning. Ivan, let's go. You're stressing me out and we all know that isn't a good thing for pregnancy."

Ivan looked stricken, "I… Very well. I'm sorry."

This wasn't how I'd wanted this to go at all. I'd wanted to wait – for it to be a happier moment. I quickly retreated toward the docks again – I was out of energy today; just everything that happened on the mountain then trying desperately to keep up with long-legs McGee over there… I was just done.

I wanted to go home and sleep until the expedition ended.

Before I got more than a few steps, Cullen managed to grab my wrist, "Tara."

I stopped but didn't turn around, "… yes?"

"You're pregnant?"

I sighed, "I am. My birth control was tampered with and I apologize if this isn't something you wanted. Again, don't feel pressured by this – and especially don't come back to me if it's only for the child… I'd never keep you from your kid even if you don't want me. It is completely up to you if you want anything to do with our child…" I knew that at this point I sounded like an automation – reading off a spiel.

Cullen gently tugged at my wrist so I turned toward him – keeping my head down as I didn't want to see his face if he was about to tell me that he never wanted to see me again. My heart thudded in my chest – I was terrified; that realization startled me. I was terrified that he was going to finally break it off.

In the back of my mind, I knew he wouldn't abandon his kid… never. I knew he'd be there for any child he fathered; he'd likely even be an amazing father… but I worried how he was going to react now.

He spoke softly, "… I was supposed to be off work today… can you… wait for a moment?"

I nodded mutely – wondering what he was going to do. He jogged over to Meredith – who was watching us with a dark look on her face. I saw her frown before her eyes widened and snapped to look at me. She began walking over.

She snarled, "You're pregnant?"

I flushed and said, "It appears so. My birth control was tampered with by my adoptive mother to fulfil a promise that she made to me. I guess even she was unsure if Cullen would return to me since he broke it off…"

She looked startled, "He broke it off with you?"

"You were unaware?" I asked drily, "Well, I suppose to be fair… he didn't exactly… he simply walked out when he found out something about my draconic nature that he couldn't abide. He said he needed time to think on it. I wasn't going to tell him about this – the pregnancy – until I was past 3 months or he made his choice… but Ivan couldn't keep his mouth shut."

Ivan rubbed his neck and looked away, muttering, "Taliwe is going to kill me…"

Renly snorted, "You deserve no less. You took that announcement away from Tara."

Cullen looked passive but said, "As this has come up, I waned to know if I could take the rest of the day off to discuss this with her. As you can imagine, it's quite the shock…"

Meredith looked thoughtful before saying, "Fine – but I expect you back by noon tomorrow."

He nodded, "Yes, Knight-Commander."

And so… we all left the Gallows together – it was a quiet trip.