Disclaimer: OK I know it sounds weird but read it, it kind of works. I don't own any of the characters in this story with the exception of Olli, Ronny Demonic and Mad Jack. Open all hours (a UK comedy series from the 1970s) is from Will Clarke and owned by the BBC and Buffy is from the fantastic Joss Whedon and owned by Fox so please don't sue me. I hope this brings a smile to some people's faces.

WARNING. Open All Hours plays on the fact that Arkwright has a stutter and uses it as a comic effect and true to the series I have taken some of that aspect into this fic. If you are offended by this, this fic may not be as enjoyable for you. Also there are some blatant innuendos taken from the series.

HELLMOUTH OPEN ALL HOURS
(Chapter II)

Granville's life had never been easy, he'd considered it boring, dull and monotonous to boot but as he listened to the life stories of the two women who'd just entered the shop, and that dull life he'd hated so much, He was almost grateful. And the knowledge that these two were romantically involved removed any of his usual awkwardness which seemed to be destroying and possibility of romantic encounters with women.

"So, let me get this straight. You, Willow, are a witch and you, Kennedy, are a slayer?"

"One of many."

"And you're both destined to guard the world from evil monsters?"

"Well yes but not on our own, the new council sends slayers all around the world."

"And this Hellmouth you destroyed in Sunnydale? It was a magnet for all of those demons and vampires and everything evil? And we've got one here."

The redhead smiled "Basically, yeah."

"That explains why the Black Widow hasn't moved away."

Kennedy looked a little excited. "The Black Widow?"

"Mrs Featherstone, She's trying to seduce old misery guts up there." He pointed to the ceiling with a spoon of apple pie. "She's a great admirer of his firm grasp on money."

Willow's eye's eyes glanced upwards. "How long before he comes down."

Granville thought. "I haven't seen him stutter that much since the VAT man thought he'd found a mistake in the books, and that turned out to be a smudge! He'll get to about halfway down the oxo tin before he calms himself enough to count out loud, then another third to reach normality and the rest just to make sure no-one's had their hand in it while he wasn't looking." The shop door bell rang. "Oh you know what that bell means."

"What?"

"S-s-seconds out and l-l-let's get some money in the b-b-blue corner."

Laughter ushered the three into the shop, where they met a smiling woman in a blue dress and white apron.

"Hello Granville, has he gone out?"

"Go out? And leave the oxo tin unguarded when the shops open? You must be joking! He's just had a bit of a shock"

"I want to see invite him round tonight, mother's in the hospital for the evening."

"Is she ill?"

"No but she needs her annual blood's doing and I'm too tired." She caught sight of the two young ladies behind the counter. "If he sees you behind there he'll stutter till he drops."

"Oh I'm sorry, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel, this is Willow and Kennedy, they're going to be lodging here for a while. Ladies this is Misery Gut's Fiancé. I don't know why she said yes but she's being treated." For this he received a friendly hand around his head.

Nurse Gladys studied the new lodgers and spotted their intertwined hands. "Now I know how he can have two lodgers in one room. Just trust me on this, try and keep your relationship on the quiet, most of the ladies around here are still convinced that this is the 19th century. Just wait until you know them before you let them know you."

"Don't worry Miss Emmanuel; we're pretty good at telling who'll be ok with it."

"Please call me Gladys. Are you going to be helping out around the shop?"

"As far as I know just serving and taking deliveries."

"Well that'll add some smiles to old misery's counter then. Do me a favour Granville, love, go and fetch him down from upstairs. If he wants an incentive tell him I want an opinion on my buns."

There was a clattering from the floor above and before Granville could move anywhere near the door it burst outwards. Gladys watched her out of breath fiancé reach the counter in record time. "--gasp—as always m-m-my dear the-they are in p-perfect condition. B-b-but if you w-w-want a more thorough inspection I'm available anytime of the day or n-n-night."

"Oh shut up you daft beggar! I assume you heard the whole interchange?"

"Only the b-b-bit about your poor old m-m-mother going into hospital. V-v-very ill is she?"

"No. Not at all."

"P-p-pity."

This received a slack jaw from the American slayer and witch. It also received a stern look from Nurse Gladys. "If you don't stop about my mother soon I'll..."

"N-n-no my dear, you know I'm only j-j-joking. I would like to h-hold your mother in the same place I hold m-m-mine. What was it you were s-saying about tonight?"

"You can come over if you like, I'll even cook."

"I'll be over after t-t-ten o'clock."

"Alright, I'll see you then."

Once she had left Granville tapped his uncle on the shoulder. "Did you mean when you said about her mother, holding her in the same place as your mother?"

"Yes of c-c-course!"

"Hang on, your mother's dead and buried!"

"Th-th-that's very true."

Before he had time to be berated by his new charges he started on his duties. "Right l-l-ladies, first the introductions. I assume that you will be Willow the s-s-sorceress?"

"I prefer witch if that's ok Mr Arkwright."

"We'll d-d-discuss that in a minute. And you…" He turned to the other woman who so recently entered his life. "…m-m-must be the Slayer K-K-K …. K-K-K….K-K-K"

Willow moved to the fruit and veg stand while Arkwright continued to try and stutter out the name of his charge. It seemed stupid that he couldn't pronounce the name of the girl he was going to train. She pulled an apple out of the stand and pulled a small knife out of her pocket. Arkwright had stopped his attempts and was watching the young woman in front of him gracefully cut the apple in half and take out the pips. Pulling the knife across the flat surface of the fruit she made a star and then peeled the skin from the outside. Then from a small cloth pouch on her belt she took out a phial of clear liquid. She let two drops fall onto the apple and put everything back in the pouch. Walking back to Arkwright offering the apple a whisper echoed round the shop.

EAT AND SPEAK THE WORD

He took the half apple and ate it. With an encouraging nod from Willow he turned back to his charge. "You m-m-must be the Slayer…" he paused "…Kennedy" His face lit up as he said the word that was previously beyond his grasp. "H-How did you do that?"

"Trade secret" She winked at her girlfriend, then stood by the counter. "And that will be 23 pence for the apple."

Granville smiled as the shopkeeper grudgingly handed over the money. Then wider Kennedy opened the till, put the money in and closed it again, without any apparent worry of it removing her fingers as it had threatened to do to him so many times. These girls should make life a little more fun, he thought to himself, I wonder if they can help me mend that bleedin' bike.

A/N

Finally Another chapter up! More en route eventually. Keep tuned in.

And, as ever, Please Read and Review! Any thoughts even Flames welcomed with open arms. If I have no feedback I can't improve.

Rigs