He waited impatiently for the seats to be filled up with students before he started his speech, the tap of his foot marking each second passing by. He started the mini-speech he reserved every year for the 5th years as soon as the bell rung. They were hooked, as usual, not a single word leaving their mouths. Oh, how he loved this speech. "Moronic though some of this class undoubtedly are, I expect you to scrape an Acceptable in your O.W.L., or suffer my . . . displeasure." There were few students he actually had any hope of passing but perhaps this would act as an incentive for them. He looked at Longbottom specifically before continuing, "After this year, of course, many of you will cease studying with me. I take only the very best into my N.E.W.T. Potions class, which means that some of us will certainly be saying goodbye." This time, it was Potter he looked at.
Oh, how he wouldn't miss teaching the boy. No one understood just how frustrating it was to teach Potter. Potter Sr, despite being a pompous troublemaker who thought himself above the rules, was quite talented at Potions. Not as talented as Severus, of course, but he was more than decent. It was only because he deemed the subject 'worthless' that Potter Sr. had decided to take the class as a joke. Perhaps if he actually tried he'd have left the class with a decent mark. And, Lily was excellent at Potions.
So, how was it that Potter had somehow managed to evade both his parents' skills? Severus should have been teaching a potions prodigy. He probably wouldn't have been able to take him under his wing, as he would have just about anyone else, but still, he wouldn't have been such a disappointment.
It didn't help that looking at Potter physically hurt him. Regret stared him back in those eyes. It was better these days, the wrecking-ball feeling when Potter first came to Hogwarts (Albus, of course, hadn't given him any warning whatsoever, so the welcoming feast was when he found out) had dimmed to only a mind-numbing sensation now.
Of course, he disliked the boy as well, he was his father's son after all, but not any more than he disliked the Malfoy boy. The difference in his treatment of the two boys was only circumstantial.
At least, Severus fumed, Mr Malfoy read the instructions. Granger was glaring at him for picking on Potter as if he had done something wrong. He would concede that he was unfair to the boy most of the time, but this wasn't one of those times. Even one of his Slytherins would have lost points had they neglected to read the instructions to their entirety. It wasn't as if it was a difficult task, he'd written large and clear -as clear as his handwriting could get- and Potter had his glasses on. It was due to negligence, the boy deserved it this time.
XXXX
He was in for a long year, it seemed. It only felt longer when Umbridge decided to sit to his left during dinner. "Professor Snape," was her greeting. It was enough to make him annoyed and he'd was in her presence for not even a full minute. "Professor Umbridge." Dumbledore reprimanded him with one glance carefully placed to the side. Severus sighed, gritting his teeth and putting on a friendlier tone, "I presume your classes went accordingly?"
His wishes that her answer would be short and to the point were all to waste. "Oh, why, now that you ask, yes, for the most part. The students are absolutely lovely." Severus wondered if they were teaching the same dunderheads. If so, he wondered if she would be up to trading with him. "There's only one problem."
Spoiler alert, there was hardly anything left that she could complain about by the time the Great Hall was emptied. He swore that he didn't complain about them half as much as she did. He had no love for them, that was no secret, but he would like to think that he had better things to do than occupy his free time thinking about the students. Out of sight, out of mind, was his dictum, and he stood by that. When he did complain about them, it was to Minerva, who was complaining just as much.
Speaking of the witch, he had bought her a whole thing of chocoballs before classes started in hopes of persuading her to stop being miffed at him. Chocolate was, after all, the secret key to a woman's heart, everyone knew that, even him.
Thinking about delivering it made him really nervous. He could owl it to her, but that sounded so impersonal. It sounded perfect to him, quite frankly, but Minerva would probably get angry with the way he gave it to her and then he'd have to apologize again. No, that wasn't an option. Leaving it in her room felt something that would be creepy from anyone but a lover, and even that, to Severus, was borderline. If he had a lover, he definitely wouldn't want her in his quarters without his prior knowledge. Not because he'd have anything to hide, but because it was a great invasion of privacy.
Anyways, the only option that remained was...giving it to her face-to-face. His stomach was tied up in knots at the thought of approaching her to talk about their issues. He wasn't an emotional person, to say the least, but neither was she. It was why they got along so well, despite her being 40 years his senior. Honestly, he didn't feel the age gap most days. Being a spy tends to age one up.
He followed her all the way to her classroom at a distance after breakfast was over and Umbridge had finally left him alone, not to sound like some sort of creeper.
"Come in," she hollered at his knock. Her face darkened slightly at the sight of him. "I thought you were a student." She returned to her work, refusing to look at him.
"Not so long ago, Minnie." He smirked, knowing that she hated the moniker. It felt childish to him, too, but it annoyed the crap out of her. He reach into his pocket and grabbed the bag of her favourite chocolate, handing it to her, "Sorry."
He waited in anticipation. What was the worst that could happen, he asked himself. She could laugh in his face and send him on his way. He could handle that. Oh, what was he thinking? There was no way that she would forgive him. Why should she? He'd finally blown it and she would never speak to him again. One part of him, the one that was keen on protecting him at all costs, was indignant, telling him that he didn't need her. The other, the one that craved social interaction and normality, fought back saying that he liked his interactions with the Transfigurations Professor.
The first side would end up winning, he knew that. It was the only reason he had survived this far. One didn't get anywhere depending on others and it might have been a mistake for him to put himself in a position where he could easily fall into that if he wasn't careful enough.
He fled the room before he could hear her rejection. Walking back to his quarters in the emptied hallways, he felt like an idiot. What a fool he had made of himself. And, if he had to make a fool out of himself, why couldn't it have at least been a half-decent apology? 'Sorry?' That was fucking terrible, even he knew it. He was overwhelmed by his own thoughts and, 5 minutes later, he had somehow convinced himself that Minerva hated him by now.
He hated himself too.
XXXX
"If you can't do it right, don't fucking do it at all!" Miss Lupin had tears in her eyes but he was past caring. He was running on 6 hours of sleep in the last 2 days, it was bloody freezing down here, and he was starving.
He was missing a Quidditch match for this and had been hoping to get this over with so that he could catch the end of the game, at least, but that seemed to no longer be plausible if it ever even was.
Their session had ended abruptly when she burst into tears, unable to get any work done. It was only then that Severus realised he might have overdone it just a bit. It was awkward now- did he help her? Did he wait for her to stop? That didn't seem likely to happen anytime soon. He excused her instead.
She didn't argue with him for the first time, bolting up the stairs like a child who had just received a scolding would. He ignored the surprise he felt at her actually listening to him and moved to pour the jug of liquid she left behind into the cauldron. It was strange, actually being able to get around. The makeshift lab down in Black's basement was small as fuck. Enough for one person, but it was a bit of a cramp with two. They were constantly bumping into each other and when they weren't, she was always no more than a foot away. Having this empty space to himself felt unusual. Which, in itself, was weird, since he'd only brewed with her for a month.
To be fair, he'd only been utilising this lab for less than a month before she came- he tried, at first, to brew in his own lab. The process of bringing the potion here, undetected and safe, was risky and he didn't want to waste all the hours it took to brew the potion so he made do.
It was impossible to make the Wolfsbane potion in its carrier cauldron smaller through magical means, nor could it be stored in a different, less inconspicuous container. Apparating with it was also too risky and took far too much time than Severus was willing to spend. He already wasted more time brewing for the Wolf than he wanted to. Then again, what he wanted to do seldom collided with what he had to do. He didn't have free will but he kind of brought it upon himself so he really couldn't complain.
The rest of the time flew by. It turned out that he was able to get it done much faster without having to teach her to do it. Not fast enough to find out whether Slytherin beat Hufflepuff, however. He sighed, leaning against the empty metal counter with his eyes closed and his head down. What a failure he was.
He knew Slytherin would beat Hufflepuff, the Badgers really had no chance against them, but he always made sure to attend their games. Some of them didn't have parents who cared enough about their games and it made a lifetime of difference to them whether he came or not. You're getting sentimental, you fool, he chided himself. Sentimental or not, he understood it. He wouldn't wish the feeling of knowing your parents didn't care about you on his worst enemy. It was the absolute worst thing a parent could ever do.
Enough of that. He didn't believe in self-pity. That was for the weak. Things were the way they were and, at the end of the day, he was the one who made all his decisions so it wasn't acceptable to whine when he was accepting the consequences of his own actions. It was only a shame that his Slytherins had to pay for it.
With another sigh out of his mouth, he decided to go back to the Castle and see if he could get some sleep.
XXXX
Just as he fell back on his mattress, as if on cue, his left arm started burning. The burning of the mark felt like setting a blazing fire on your bare skin, except that it didn't burn you. Not physically, anyway, although Severus might prefer that to this. This was an entirely different torture for him. Eloquent as he is, he didn't have the words to describe just how much he despised the mark. His other hand came to clutch it. The strength of his grip he had on his arm was nearly bone-crushing but it helped distract from the pain.
Once it was somewhat manageable, he forced himself to get up. The longer he held this up, the harder it would be to summon the guts. He quickly threw on his Death Eater robes, grabbed his mask, and left his quarters down the hall where there was a secret passageway that led outside the castle.
He probably should have informed Albus that he was being called but oh well. If Severus didn't make it back, Albus would assume it was because the Dark Lord did away with him since no alternative reason made any sense.
Once he made it to the other side of the gates of Hogwarts, he pointed his wand at his blazing arm and apparated to the Dark Lord.
"Severus," greeted the Dark Lor. His eyes were nothing more than red slits, staring him down to his soul. He was in trouble, based on how deadly still the Dark Lord sat. "What has become of my loyal servant? Does he remain loyal to me? Have his loyalties changed sides?" Severus could swear his heart was completely still. With anxious butterflies in his stomach, a thousand questions hit him in a second. Where was he going with this? Had he found out that Severus was unloyal? Surely not, right? If he had, wouldn't he have started with that? Was he playing cat and mouse with him? Or, maybe this was a test.
"Of course not-"
"Silence! You will not interrupt me. Crucio." Severus was glad to find out that the strength of the curse was incomparable to the torture session he had been under the first time he attended the Dark Lord's call. Nothing could beat that, in fact, Severus was surprised he was still alive after that.
"Is our Bella right, after all? Have I become blind-sighted?" If this wasn't a test, Severus didn't know what was. How stupid did the Dark Lord think him to be? "How could you possibly ask such a question, my Lord? Everyone knows that the Lord sees past everyone, down to their deepest, darkest desires, does he not? Had I switched sides, my Lord, I have the utmost certainty that you would already have sensed so. The Dark Lord is no fool." Severus watched the angry expression on the Dark Lord's face turn neutral. His short speech had definitely appeased the Dark Lord. Thank Goodness, he didn't think that he was up for any more of this.
His so-called Master pointed his wand away, ending the curse. Severus gasped with relief, sweat dripping down his forehead. There was no blood, not today, thankfully, at least, none that he could feel. "How are things at Hogwarts?"
"Calm, my Lord. There is a new Ministry-appointed professor, a rather smart venture of you to take." Severus looked at him through his dampened hair. If the Dark Lord had hair, his eyebrows would have been raised. A second of hesitance, he nodded, his long, thin fingers drumming against his chin in deep thought, "Yes, a new Professor. Tell me more about her." Liar, Severus thought.
He went on to inform the Dark Lord about Umbridge's inadequacy in a classroom and how hatred for her was a unanimous feeling among the students these days. A satisfied feeling crept over his expression- the Dark Lord was pleased. "I see. I will expect more news from you the next time."
Severus thanked him, kissed the hem of his robes, -resisting the urge to wipe the germs off of his lips- and took his place next to his comrades. From across the room, Lucius Malfoy nodded his head at him. Severus returned it in kind. The meeting didn't last much longer, but the Dark Lord looked deep in thought by the end of it. Severus decided that that was something to be concerned about, but it was a problem best left for the future.
XXXX
The Headmaster looked concerned when Severus dragged himself into his office. "I'm fine." His voice lost its stability trying to hold back the pain. He wasn't used to being crucio'd after 14 whole years of calm and quiet, more or less. It wasn't as bad as the first call but still, it was something he needed to adjust to.
Albus didn't look as if he particularly believed him but the need to know any advances in the Dark Lord's plans took precedence. Severus filled him in before he asked. "Not much, then."
"Funny," Severus bitterly said, "The Dark Lord is of the same opinion."
Regret filled Albus's face almost instantaneously, "I'm sorry, Severus, you know I don't enjoy sending you out there."
"It must be done." Whether he wanted it, or Albus wanted it, was unimportant. No one else could gather information from the Dark Lord right under his scaly nose other than him. Anyways, he owed Albus this and he wasn't one to fall short on repaying his debts. If he was, he wouldn't be protecting Potter after all these years.
Besides, he knew Albus didn't like the position he put Severus in. It was proven in the fact that he never asked whether he was alright upon his return and that the older man was able to meet his eyes less and less. Severus didn't stick around for long. He wasn't in the mood to make small talk with a guilty Albus. Besides, the Dark Lord had already occupied too much of his day, he had grading to attempt to finish, even if he already knew he wouldn't get much done judging by the way his hand shook.
On the bright side, he'd be able to eat now.