Monday, February 22

Matt

TK's head was down, his second step was always shorter than the first. He was playing the game everyone played, where you don't step on the cracks on the sidewalk, he guessed. He wasn't making it obvious he was doing it, but after watching him for a minute, it because obvious to Matt.

He usually walked to school alone or ran into Tai. But now that he was walking with TK and it was painfully awkward. They still had yet to say a word to each other. He sighed, glancing away from him.

They only lived a few blocks away. Further than his father's apartment had been. They arrived at school soon, regardless. It was a white building with windows lining the two floors. Students were already filing in. Matt tightened his grip on his backpack.

He would have said goodbye, but that would have made things even more awkward if that was even possible. Matt walked to the High School, this was one of the few times he was here on a Monday. Tai was going to get a kick out of this one. He knew nothing about the reasons.

He made his way to his locker to put his stuff away. Everything felt normal again, besides being there on a Monday, but he didn't think about that. He was glad everything was going as usual. If his home life was going to change a ton, he had the comfort that school wouldn't.

"Hey, Matt!" Matt turned. Tai and Mimi walked up to him. He offered a small and shy wave. Then returned to sorting out his stuff. They stood next to him in a matter of seconds. "Didn't think we'd see you today," Tai said.

Matt shrugged. "Things happen." He shut his locker and walked away. Tai had his arms crossed while Mimi glanced around.

"Is everything okay?" Tai asked, raising an eyebrow. Matt looked at the floor and nodded. With that, he walked away, but stopped a couple of paces away. He glanced behind him, and he felt Mimi and Tai watching him.

He sighed and turned around. "You want an explanation, don't you?"

Tai shrugged and exchanged glances with Mimi. "I'm glad you're here and all. You just seem off. We're both worried," Mimi said.

Matt stayed quiet for a minute, watching Tai and Mimi. Tai had anticipation etching across his features. He stood still. Matt couldn't see him fidgeting at all. Mimi, on the other hand, was playing with the bottom of her skirt and was glancing between the two nervously. Matt looked down at his shoes.

"It's a long story."

"You can tell us when we walk home," Tai suggested. Mimi nudged his arm and then he looked nervously at his hands. Matt could tell by the way he tensed up he realized it sounded somewhat insensitive. "If you want to."

Matt bit his lip again. Now he was debating between 'I'd rather not' or telling them he was in a new apartment and not give the reason. But then again, if he did that, that would bring up new questions.

He sighed. "I'd rather not." Tai nodded and walked up to him, his previous guilt vanishing. His typical hyperactivity came back in seconds.

"Alright, then let's get to class!"

Matt sighed again. Mimi walked up behind him and offered him a small smile. He shifted his weight and then followed behind them, lost in his thoughts.

What if they thought of him differently now? He didn't want to be known as 'Matt Ishdia: the kid who was neglected by his father.' The kid who wasn't good enough for his father, some would think. Though he was one of the people who thought that, but the entire school didn't need to know. He felt weird with anyone knowing it. Doctors, his mom, TK, the school which probably knew.

The only person who knew was Sora. And well, that didn't work out so well. She was gone- dead- not dead, Mimi would have corrected. Sleeping. Trying to shed light on the situation, he guessed. They didn't know if she would be the same if- when- she woke up. Mimi would have turned around and pointed at him when she said it. It was how she was.

Sora has fallen into a coma four months ago, after falling from the third floor of his apartment. She got in the middle of a fight between his father and him. Matt balled his hands into fists and clenched his fists, his knuckles turning a pale white color.

"Matt?" He looked up, snapped out of his thoughts. He wiped his eyes, getting rid of the fresh tears he hadn't even noticed. He bit his lip, looking away from the concerned looks of his friends.

"Sorry," he mumbled. His lip quivered. He bit it in a pathetic attempt to make it stop. Mimi walked over to him and gave him a small hug. Matt tensed up at the sudden contact. He wanted to push her away, but didn't. Tai came over and put a hand on his shoulder, and he relaxed for a minute, trying his best to keep his tears at bay. But it didn't work that well.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tai asked. Matt shook his head, finally pushing away from Mimi.

"No, I'm okay." He made eye contact with Tai. He wiped his tears away and took a shaky breath. "I'm just dealing with a lot."

Tai nodded. "We should get to class." Mimi and Matt nodded. He walked away with Mimi, but Tai trailed behind. "Oh, and Matt." He turned around to face him. Tai looked up from the floor, and the two made eye contact. "I'm here if you need me." He motioned to Mimi. "We both are."

Matt smiled weakly. "Thanks, Tai. It means a lot."

He couldn't eat, it wouldn't be right, he didn't earn it!

They all sat next to each other for dinner, but Matt couldn't bring himself to eat. The only time he ever got food was when he did something good or he stole it, it'd be about a week before he resorted to that. He couldn't buy anything at school because he didn't have the money. His friends would try to offer him something, but he couldn't accept. He always lied and said he wasn't hungry.

He couldn't eat something when he did nothing to earn it! It wasn't right. He glanced over at TK, who still hadn't said anything. He was looking away from Matt, so he couldn't guess what he was thinking, but one thing was for sure. By how slow he ate, he could hell he wasn't hungry.

Matt bit his lip; he couldn't figure him out. He was always good at reading people, taking a good guess at what they were thinking, was studying people's body language. That way he knew if they were mad at him, or going to hit him. He knew every time his father clenched his jaw; he was about to be beaten. Mostly, clenching his fists meant he was going into the closet.

But with TK, he seemed still. Like he was hiding something from everyone, or at least from him. Usually, Matt could identify three key things someone did in just a couple of minutes. The only thing he knew about TK was he bit his lip a lot. He wasn't sure what that meant, or if he was conscious of it, but he strived to learn. He knew his mannerisms inside and out when he was younger, but now, nothing.

TK looked up at their mom. Then he looked down, biting his lip again. It could be nerves, that was his guess.

"Can I be excused?" he asked, almost whispering. Matt glanced over at him. This had been the first time he heard him talk, save for thanking Nancy at the door last night. He could tell something was wrong by how shaky he sounded. Matt glanced over at his mom, who he guessed got the same message by her expression. She nodded, slowly.

"Yeah, go ahead."

TK nodded, muttering a small thanks and made him to the bathroom. The atmosphere shifted. With TK out of the room, he felt a little less uncomfortable- though it pained him to say it. He knew he could trust Nancy. There wasn't a lot of trust. It'd break in an instant, but he knew enough that she cared. TK, he wasn't sure.

"Matt?" He looked up. Nancy motioned to his plate. "You should eat something."

He tensed up, shrinking away from her. "I-" he cut himself off. His heart raced, pounding against his chest like it was trying to escape from its rib-cage prison. He winced, panicking. She was telling him to eat, the way she said it implied she wanted him to. If he didn't, he was disobeying her!

But, he didn't do anything! He didn't earn it, he couldn't accept it without having some sort of reason! It wasn't right, and he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Matt let out a small breath, then shook his head. "I can't," he choked out. Nancy stood up and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. She tried to reassure that he could, but he couldn't. And he couldn't bring himself to say why memories flashed through his head. Memories of him being told he wasn't good enough for food, that he didn't deserve it. Mistakes don't get rewarded, and neither does a disappointment.

According to his father, he was both of those things.

TK

Awkward. Uncomfortable. Unbearable.

TK bounced between the three words, trying to decide which one was the best to describe the situation. He kept his eyes glued to the sidewalk. Looking up would put him in danger of making eye contact with Matt. And that's crossing over into social activity, which TK was not good at.

Like at all.

Awkward would be the obvious choice. His English teachers would disapprove of it because it's boring and predictable. Here, it meant there was a slight embarrassment, according to the dictionary, that is. TK didn't feel embarrassed, so uncomfortable was the better choice, he decided. By the word definition, at least. Though unbearable was a bonus option.

It was unbearable how uncomfortable the walk to school was that morning.

No, that's too wordy. It became too hard to read that it almost made little sense. It would have gotten a note in a red pen by a teacher. TK concluded that this time, less was better.

The walk was uncomfortable. That's how he'd describe it. Long story short, it was the worst walk to school he had ever had the displeasure to endure.

Now, was that too wordy?

He didn't get the chance to figure that out. He looked up, and they were at school. Neither one of the two said goodbye and walked in opposite directions. TK looked toward the middle school door like it was the entrance to hell. It was.

I'm not going to take it today. He took a few courageous steps while he walked to his locker and opened it. He said that every day, and it never worked. Today was different, he could feel it- his locker slammed shut.

"Hey, nerd." TK put his combo back in and opened his locker again. It slammed shut again, the corner catching his finger and scratching it. TK winced and turned to the perpetrator.

"What do you want, Aiden?" he snapped. Aiden was another seventh-grader who was only a couple of inches taller than TK. He had small teardrop-shaped eyes, which were a light brown. His hair was a pale copper color with subtle curls, making it look shorter than it was. He had pale skin dotted with freckles. His head was a kind of oval shape, but his hairline made that less noticeable.

By looking at him and the way he carried himself, you could tell he was a leader. He was set to become captain of the soccer team right behind Tai. He was the type you didn't mess with. If you did, well, you're screwed. Did he have redeeming qualities? TK didn't know, and he didn't care to know. He'd rather never know and have him walk out of his life forever.

Aiden rolled his eyes. "Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Someone. He made it a habit not to say his name; it wasn't worth his time. He didn't waste their time with the inferior, even if they were the only one who had that opinion about that person. Mostly, the people in his grade liked him. To his knowledge, he wasn't on anyone's bad side. He was the kid that everyone knew, and didn't have a problem with, but didn't acknowledge all that much. Typical shy kid transfer material.

He was more noticed when he was on the basketball team, but he was midway into the season when he quit because of Aiden. Trent, one of Aiden's friends, bothered him too, but he wasn't the prime offender. He followed. TK wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse, but he took it as a blessing. He never told his mom he quit the team. She thought he finished the season. It's not like she came to the games to find out, anyway.

TK went back to his locker. Maybe if he ignored him, he'd go away. After all, it's better not to give them a reaction, right? Aiden grabbed his wrist while he was putting in his combo. TK tensed up and looked at the ground, ignoring the pain that came with it.. The only thing he could do was pray his cuts didn't start bleeding.

"You should listen when people talk to you. It's polite," he sneered.

TK bit his lip and didn't reply. Aiden tightened his grip. He stared at the floor, accepting that Aiden had the power here. TK would have tried to pull away, but he knew it was useless. Aiden would get back at him later. Accept how bad it is now, and it might not get worse later. That was his philosophy. It was a bad philosophy, it always got worse.

He got used to monitoring him- them, if Trent was acting up again, wherever he went, that way he knew when it was coming. He couldn't stop it, but that didn't matter because he could never stop it. They'd keep coming back. He was never safe until he got home. He stayed off MySpace for that very reason.

If it wasn't for that, he still wouldn't be safe. His self-hatred was the biggest danger he had. After all the lies- though he didn't think they were lies- TK believed everything Aiden said. But that wasn't the only reason. It soon became a coping mechanism. A way to control the pain he was feeling because he couldn't do that anywhere else.

Aiden let go of his wrist and pushed him into the lockers while he walked away. Something about having to go to class. TK took a second to calm his breathing. The strong stinging feeling in his wrist distracted him for a minute. Huffing, he turned back to his locker.

He opened it up, half expecting it to slam shut again even though Aiden wasn't there. TK grabbed his stuff for class when he heard footsteps behind him; he tensed up.

"Hey." He looked over his shoulder and relaxed, seeing that it was Davis. He should have guessed by his voice. "Are you okay?"

TK shut his locker and turned to him. "Fine, why?"

He shrugged. "When I got over here, you looked shaky. Maybe it was my imagination."

"Maybe." TK walked away, Davis caught up to him.

"What do you mean, maybe? It's a yes or no question!"

"No."

"No, you're not okay, or no, you're not shaky?"

TK stopped outside the classroom door and made eye contact with Davis. "I'm fine," he reassured. "No need to be so paranoid." He walked into class and Davis rolled his eyes playfully trailing behind him.

"Just making sure."

Guilt.

He couldn't help it. No matter which choice he made here, he'd look like an ass. He could either not eat and make his mom worried, or eat in front of Matt. And he couldn't imagine how that was making him feel. It's not like he was hungry, but he forced himself to eat like he always did. He didn't feel like eating.

But he couldn't help but feel Matt's distress, everyone's distress. TK wished he wasn't there. That way, their mom could focus on helping Matt recover and not have TK get in the way. He bit his lip and looked away.

It would have been better. Maybe, if he hadn't been there, Matt would have been with Nancy and none of this would have happened. Matt deserved better, and it was because of him he didn't get that.

He hated that he was here, screwing things up for everyone else.

TK glanced up at his mother, then back down. The hardest part of socializing for him was starting the conversation. TK bit his lip, then mustered up a little courage.

"Can I be excused?"

He hoped he didn't sound too anxious, making a cause for concern when he shouldn't be the focus of it. It was healthy to know when you shouldn't ask for help if someone else needs it more.

Right? He didn't matter anyway.

"Yeah, go ahead," Nancy replied.

He nodded. "Thank you."

He got up and made his way to the bathroom. Shutting the door behind him, he leaned up against it and let out a small- quiet- sob. He buried his head in his hands and paced around the bathroom, trying to steady his breathing.

Don't make a noise and bring attention to yourself!

He put his hands on his head. According to his basketball coach, it opened up your lungs and helped you breathe. For a while, he'd been going through the motions.

TK opened the bathroom cabinet and found a razor blade. He set it down on the sink. Taking a few steady breaths. If he couldn't win over his thoughts, he'd distract himself from them. He rolled up his left sleeve. Cuts ran down his entire forearm, but that still wasn't enough for him. Why wasn't he hurting as much as the people around him? The people who deserved better?

TK shook his head and picked up the blade, pressing it to his skin harder than he expected. He muffled a cry of pain and continued the cut. He dropped it back on the sink when he was done. Blood poured down his arm now, the pain successfully distracting him. He felt the warmth of it somewhat comforting, like a dangerous security blanket. He bit his lip, closed his eyes, and cried a little more.

He didn't know why. Maybe it was from the pain, frustration, or guilt that plagued his mind like a dark cloud in a clear sky. He was so tired of everything; he wanted to get out of there. Whether it was the world or the dark corners of his mind that brought him there, he didn't know.

Maybe subconsciously he was frustrated with how he kept mutilating himself. He treated his life and body like it didn't matter because truly felt it didn't.

His life was in the hands of this inanimate mental object. Once he went too far, he went too far and he couldn't stop it. He wanted to be happy; he knew that. But the small demons in his head kept him from that, or thinking he even deserved it.