Tuesday, February 23.
Matt
She was back. He didn't think about it, how, why, when. But she was back. He found himself in the cafeteria. The only ones there were Tai, Mimi, and Sora. It was dark all around them, and a spotlight shone on them.
He made his way through the darkness, ecstatic. He could see Sora again! His heart pounded in his chest. For the first time in a while, something was going right. He looked at the group; they were all sitting next to each other. Their mouths were moving, but he couldn't hear them. Maybe he was too far away.
There was a bunch of laughter around him. The whole cafeteria had lightened up. Everyone was visibly laughing at him. His breath caught in his chest. He looked to his friends for help, or even validation that it wasn't him they were laughing at. They shrugged and went back to talking. The laughing got louder, and their voices seemed to go on a speaker.
Tai laughed. "I can't believe I was ever friends with him!"
Mimi nodded, and Sora spoke up. "Me too, I mean, what happened to me was his fault."
"I can't believe I have a brother like him," TK said, shaking his head. Matt turned around to where he was standing with their mom. He took a shuddering breath and tried to defend himself, but couldn't bring himself to do it. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he fell to the ground. He covered his ears with his hands, insults being slung at him one after another.
Gut-wrenching sobs escaped his lips. He was gasping for air without realizing it. His whole body trembled. Mocking laughs came from the crowd. He shut his eyes.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. He curled up into a little ball, the insults drowning him. He shut his eyes, waiting for them to stop.
"Get up," a deep voice said. Matt's eyes shot open as he looked up, eyes wide. His father stood above him, he cowered. Hiroaki shook his head. "You're such a disappointment." He walked away, but as he had, he turned around and kicked him…
Matt's eyes shot open, and his chest heaved with every breath. His eyes darted around the room, and he shut his eyes again.
Just a dream. He opened his eyes again to the sound of the door opening. His mother walked into the room.
"Matt?"
He bit his lip and looked away, tears pricking his eyes. Nancy sat at the foot of his bed and placed a hand on his knee. Matt trembled, clutching the blanket in his hands. His heart pounded against his chest, ready to break out any second.
He shut his eyes and tried to push his feelings down, lock them into his heart where they'd still. There, they couldn't be used against him, to hurt him. All he could think about was the beatings, neglect, the words. Those were what hurt the most. It was obvious his father didn't love him, that he was unlovable.
Matt choked on a sob, and brought his knees to his chest, sobbing into them. He couldn't stop himself, even if he tried. He traced a small scar on his upper arm. His chest tightened, the enormous lump in his throat made it hard to breathe.
"Matt." He didn't reply, keeping his gaze down on the bed. "Matt." He took a shuddering breath and looked up. Nancy placed a hand on his shoulder. He shut his eyes again and leaned on her subconsciously. She traced circles on his back, whispering comforting words.
After a while, Matt let himself relax. Remembering it was a dream, and deep down, he knew his friends would never say something like that about him. Slowly, he came to terms with the idea that as of right now; he was relatively safe.
Safe. The word itself was comforting. It was so soft with no hard letters, making it sound intimidating. Safe. He took a deep breath and let himself relax a little. He felt small chills go up his spine, but not the scary kind. It was like some force came and lifted the fear off of him. He shut his eyes and drifted off to sleep before he knew it.
Matt fidgeted with his pencil while the teacher continued to talk. He couldn't seem to concentrate. Sighing, he glanced at Tai. He was giving the math problem on the board a dirty look, Tai language for I don't know how to do it. Matt sighed and looked down at his own paper, then back up to the board. His teacher was going over questions they were supposed to have done. Matt didn't do them.
He instead wrote what the teacher was writing. X equals something for some strange reason. Because math. Matt huffed, continuing to twirl his pencil in his hands. He couldn't get a handle on the situation. Matt was always good at blocking stuff out. Pushing the closet out of his mind for the six and a half hours he was in school. But now, he couldn't.
And then there was TK. It seemed like he hated him, and Matt couldn't figure out why. Sure, he thought of himself as intolerable, but TK didn't know him. How could he hate him already?
You intruded on his life. Matt frowned. He'd come in and changed his life in an instant. It made sense. Maybe TK enjoyed being an only child and didn't want Matt to be there. He was screwing things up for people by existing.
Matt sighed. He almost asked to leave to go to the bathroom so he could think, but he bailed midway. Matt shook his head and tried to pay attention. Keyword, he tried. Matt's chest tight tightened and tears pricked at his eyes. There was nothing he could do to fix this.
He didn't want TK to hate him. Before, when TK was in the back of his mind, he had the comfort that any few memories TK had of him were okay. But even then, he had no validation that he didn't hate him. Hell, who knows if he even thought about him before this. His heart pounded in his chest and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
TK's eyes would light up when Matt walked over to him. When their parents were arguing, his crying would slow whenever Matt hugged him. He clung to him, never wanted him to leave for school, and would run up and hug him as soon as he got home. Then, when he'd work on his homework, TK watched him like what he was doing was amazing (it was multiplication).
Matt shook the memories out of his head. He had been good enough for TK once upon a time. Now he knew he wasn't. He wasn't as strong as he used to be. He wasn't a role model, and TK was older and knew he wasn't invincible.
He was nothing like he used to be.
He'd be the one to help TK through the arguments. Now he was the one who needed the help. And it seemed like he didn't want to help him. Maybe he felt he shouldn't need help. He was the older one. TK should get comfort, not him. Matt felt his gaze harden. The tears cleared up.
Did he not care? He balled his hand into white-knuckled fists. Why didn't he want him there? It wasn't fair. Matt loved him just the same. And he wasn't about to cling to TK, but it would have been nice knowing he was there. Instead, TK pulled away. He didn't care. Matt sighed.
No. He thought. You don't know that. Ask him. He glanced back at the clock. In a few more minutes, he'd confront him. Find out what he wanted from him. Why wasn't there for him like he had been. Even if it was so long ago. He had to remember some of it, right?
But if he did, why did he continue to treat Matt like this? Then again, TK wasn't the same kid that he was back then.
The bell rang. Matt made the spontaneous decision that he needed answers now. He stood up and got his things together. He was about to walk out until he heard Tai call his name.
Matt turned to him. "Yeah?"
Tai looked down sheepishly. "I wasn't paying attention. Did you get the notes?"
Matt shook his head, a ping shooting through his chest. Tai always went to him, and now his selfish lack of attention was going to hurt him. He bit his lip and mumbled an apology before turning to leave the room.
"Matt, wait!" Tai called. He cringed and turned back around. He shrugged. "There's no need to apologize, I should have been paying attention."
Matt nodded. "Thanks, Tai."
Matt turned and left the classroom. Tai had a study hall in there right after, so he didn't have to leave. Matt kept his head down and turned the corner. With luck, he saw TK by his locker. (He didn't know where his locker was, extra luck).
He sighed and made his way over there. TK was reading something, but he didn't pay any attention.
"Hey," he said.
TK jumped slightly and shut the paper and threw it in his locker, then he shut it. He turned to Matt, and he could have sworn he looked a little pale. TK glanced at the ground.
"Hey, yourself," he mumbled. Matt cringed again. Then he realized he did not know what he wanted to say. He stumbled over the next couple of words, then sighed.
"Do you hate me?"
TK looked up with wide eyes, then shook his head. "No! Of course not." He looked back down. "Why would I?"
"I-I don't know. I just." He sighed again. "You don't talk much, do you think I intruded or something?"
"No, it's nothing like that, honest!" He bit his lip. "I didn't know what to say."
"Because you didn't want to say anything."
TK looked up again, hurt. This made Matt mad for some reason. TK shook his head. He opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but closed it again and bit his lip.
"It's nothing like that," he mumbled, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
Matt shook his head. "Save it." Matt walked away. He heard TK call his name, but he ignored it, holding back tears that didn't need to be there. He turned the corner and made his way into his next class, sitting down with a shaky breath.
After a minute, the bell rang, and the teacher started talking. He sighed and tried to push what happened out of his mind. TK didn't want him there, did he?
He tried to feel angry like he had before. But now, it was replaced by guilt. Even if he didn't want him there, he looked so hurt. And he was the reason. He bit his lip. He accused him over nothing. What the hell did he just do?
TK
He winced as his back hit the wall. Aiden scowled, then grabbed him by his hair and threw him to the ground. TK stumbled back up. Trent looked back at the door, then back to them. Aiden clenched his fists and hit him to the ground again.
"You think it's funny, don't you? Screwing things up for everyone else," he said. TK looked down, deciding not saying anything would be the best option.
"Aiden, let's go," Trent said, motioning to the door.
He scoffed. "Why? You scared we're gonna get caught?" he asked, turning around. He looked back at TK. "Little shit won't tell anybody. He knows better."
Trent shrugged. "Let's not waste our time. We have algebra next and Mrs. Becker won't be happy if you're late again."
Aiden sighed. "I guess you're right. Let's go." With that, they made their way out of the bathroom. Once they left, TK deemed it safe to stand up and grab his stuff that they had scattered across the floor. Then he left the room and made his way to his class.
He saw Aiden slip a paper into it his locker then walk away. TK sighed and shook his head and walked towards his locker, deciding to confront it while he was thinking about it. He put in his combo and opened it, taking out the paper.
You're lucky Trent is such a goody-two-shoes.
- Aiden
He sighed and fought off his shaking. This was Aiden's version of a threat.
"Hey." TK jumped and threw the paper back into his locker and shut it. He turned around to see Matt standing behind him. He stumbled over his couple of words, but then he sighed.
"Do you hate me?"
His head snapped up. That caught him off guard.
"No! Of course not." He looked back down. "Why would I?"
"I-I don't know. I just." He sighed again. "You don't talk much, do you think I intruded or something?"
A ping shot through his chest. Had he made Matt feel unwanted because of how he was acting? He didn't know what to say! He was so stupid. Of course Matt would feel that way. That's exactly what their father did to him.
"No, it's nothing like that, honest!" He bit his lip. "I just didn't know what to say."
"Because you didn't want to say anything," Matt whispered.
TK looked up at him, shocked. He tried to say something, he still didn't know what to say.
"It's nothing like that. I'm sorry I made you feel that way."
Matt shook his head and walked away. "Save it."
"Matt!" he called. How was he going to make this right? There was no way he could. He ended up doing more harm than good, and now Matt was even more upset. He looked up as Davis walks up to him.
"Are you okay? I saw what happened." TK shook his head rapidly as tears welled in his eyes. Davis put a hand on his shoulder and walked him over to the bathroom, so nobody looked at them. As soon as they got in there, he pulled TK into a hug. "It's not your fault he feels that way. You didn't mean it."
"Yeah, but I made him feel that way. It's all my fault."
"Don't blame yourself. He's still adjusting, he doesn't get that you're quiet," Davis shrugged. TK looked down at the floor. There was a big green square in the middle, smaller white ones surrounding it on the outside. The stalls were green too. Luckily, nobody else was in there, so TK didn't feel as pathetic.
"I haven't said anything to him," TK muttered, pulling away. "I was trying to figure out what to say because I didn't want to say something and make him feel worse. Guess it didn't work."
Davis put a hand on his shoulder. "But he's only been there for a few days. Give him time. Besides, me and Jun fight all the time. It happens. It'll be fine."
"Yeah, but." TK sighed and turned to the sink.
This is why I shouldn't be here. I screw everything up. It's going to be even harder for Matt now that you've made him feel like this. He grew up thinking he wasn't wanted and now you add to that!
"Wow, you didn't even correct me. You must be really upset," Davis joked.
TK rolled his eyes and let out a tearful laugh. "Did you purposely screw that up?"
"Had to see how upset you were," Davis said, standing next to him. He could see their reflections in his peripheral view.
"Jun and I," TK said, rolling his eyes.
"I and Jun." The two boys laughed for a minute, then Davis motioned to the door. "Come on, let's go to class." TK nodded and followed him out, and the two grabbed their stuff and walked to English.
TK tried to ignore Aiden's staring. It didn't work.
TK quietly shut the door behind him and stood there for a minute. He sighed and walked over to his dresser. He opened the top drawer and tensed up when he saw the scissors. Maybe he shouldn't be doing this.
"Because you didn't want to say anything."
He shuddered. A sudden temptation crept up his spine. He felt cold, confused. He stood there for a while, and he was tired. His hands shook without him noticing; he blinked away a few tears. TK put a hand on his arm, barely acknowledging the stinging.
How did he even get to this point? What led him here? This wasn't normal, that was for sure. If it was normal, he wouldn't have to worry about people noticing all the time. But then again, what about this made it abnormal? The fact he wanted to hurt himself, or the fact he was doing it? Or was it that he was living with this problem for so long?
He took a shaky breath. Did it even matter? TK shut his eyes. They suddenly felt heavy, and he got lightheaded. When he opened them again, the gray metal stared him in the face.
Did it even matter if it was normal? He was struggling, and it helped. He picked up the scissors, examining the light blue handle. Feeling the need to hide such an ordinary object definitely wasn't normal either. He traced the metal ends of the scissors, well aware of how idiotic he looked right now.
He traced over the edge. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, he never hesitated to cut like this. Did he want this? Did it even matter what he wanted? He shook his head.
"It's not your fault he feels that way. You didn't mean it."
But it was his fault, even if Davis didn't say it. Everything was his fault, right? There wasn't a limit on how much trouble someone could cause, was there? Though it wasn't deliberate, he still did it. Right?
He glanced over his shoulder and waited for a minute, making sure nobody was coming in. Then he shut the door and sat down on the floor, looking at the scissors. It's like they were mocking him. Books he read would have said that he was "watching them like any hunting animal would watch its prey."
But who was the hunter in this situation? Was it the scissors or him? Or was he the prey? Was he both? TK bit his lip. How was an inanimate object making him question things like this? He was used to this. He was the one who put the metal to his skin, made the cut, and he was the one who felt the pain.
But why?
He looked back at the door one more time and then sighed. It didn't matter why, it's how it was. How it had been for so long, and he didn't want it to change. Everything else was changing around him. At least he had this. He didn't know how much Matt's words could hurt, or how much Trent and Aiden's actions would affect him. But he knew how much this would hurt. And he knew when it would hurt, and weirdly, he valued it. This was something nobody could take from him.
With one last sigh, he rolled his right sleeve up, placed the metal to his wrist, and cut.