Thursday, February 25

Matt

Clash. Matt flinched. He turned to Sora who slammed his locker on him.

"We need to talk," she said. Matt sighed. Crutches or not, Sora could be intimidating when she wanted to be. Matt looked away. He knew this was coming, that didn't mean he wanted it to, though.

"I see you're just as blunt as ever," he murmured. Sora rolled her eyes and didn't reply for a minute. In a strange way, that gave him a small boost of confidence. At least he wasn't the only one at a loss for words.

"Look, I didn't want to say anything in front of Tai and Mimi because I figured they didn't know but…" she trailed off. Matt tensed up, turning his attention to his locker. "Matt, how long has this been going on?"

He said nothing. Matt's chest tightened, and he shut his eyes, trying to calm his shaking. Everything rushed back to him. He was still there. If he had these memories, would he ever truly be away from him?

Matt shifted. To his surprise, Sora waited for his answer patiently. His heart pounded in his ears and placed a hand on his locker. Matt was lightheaded, and he felt himself sway. Nobody said anything, and he fought off tears, shutting his eyes again. Matt grit his teeth with a small muffled sob coming through.

He shook his head, grabbing the stuff he needed and shut his locker in one rapid movement. "No, I'm not talking about this with you, Sora." He started to walk away but Sora grabbed his arm. Matt froze. Sora sighed behind him and squeezed his hand without a word.

Voices ran through Matt's ears. He tried to break away from her but he couldn't bring himself to. His feet were rooted to the floor, his hands refused to move. Sora's hand seemed to waver in the air. He glanced back, catching her eye for a second before breaking eye contact with her. He broke away from her hand, a cold sensation lingering on his hand as they parted.

"Ever since their divorce," he said. Neither of them turned around. They stood there, frozen.

"You need to get out of that house, Matt," she replied. Matt looked away when Sora looked at him. His lip quivered every so slightly.

"I already did," he looked at her and she glanced down, so did Matt. Sora fidgeted with the bottom of her skirt. "Where are you now?"

"My moms."

"When did that happen?"

"Like, three days ago." Sora was quiet once again. Matt turned to her and she looked further away. He could have sworn he saw tears but he wasn't sure. Matt shifted uneasily. If Sora was upset he wanted to be able to help her. But at the same time, he didn't know why or even if she was upset. He tensed up holding his breath as she let out a soft laugh.

"Sorry," Sora said quietly wiping a tear as she looked back at him, "you're okay now though, right?" Matt was shocked by her voice. He wasn't sure why, but she sounded so desperate. But he couldn't figure out why. He nodded, not thinking about it. Sora smiled softly wiping another tear as she walked over to him placing an arm over his shoulder. "Let's get to class, okay?"

Matt blinked dumbfounded. "Sora?" She shook her head as they walked.

"Don't worry about it, okay?" Matt nodded as they continued to walk to class. Sora broke away from him. He continued to look at the floor, occasionally glancing at Sora. As they walked he fidgeted with the bottom of his binder. Normally, it was a race to get to the place across the hall, this time it felt endless. Maybe it was his imagination but it felt different today.

"Aiden, would you just listen to me?" Matt looked up and so did Sora. Someone was walking away from who had just spoken.

"I did, and I'm not interested." The kid had red hair and was a bit taller than the other one. They were junior high students, they didn't have uniforms. Matt could have sworn he'd seen them before.

The other kid had dark brown hair and skin. He rolled his eyes and trailed behind him. "All I'm asking is you lay off a bit. This has gone too far!" The taller one with red hair turned around facing him and rolled his eyes.

"Listen, Trent, it's not our fault he decided to do that," he spat, crossing his arms. "Besides, who's to say it was us that started it."

"Well he sure as hell wasn't doing it during basketball last year." The boy with red hair scoffed and turned on his heel walking away.

"Whatever," he murmured. Matt looked at Sora who shook her head.

"Don't you miss junior high drama?" she joked.

Matt laughed. "God no, all Tai did was complain about soccer." Sora chuckled as they continued to walk to their class. As soon as Sora walked through the door the bell rang. Matt quickly stepped inside the classroom. Sora chuckled again. "One second doesn't count, Sora."

"Uh-huh, sure." She playfully rolled her eyes as she went and sat down at her desk. Matt smiled following suit. The teacher started talking; Matt didn't care to comprehend the first few things he said. Matt looked back at Sora, he was just glad she cheered up.

Matt sighed erasing some work on his math homework. He wrote down a multiplication problem on another sheet of paper. Then, he put that number in the equation. Then there was a knock on the door and Matt perked up.

"Can I come in?" Nancy asked. Matt nodded. She smiled and walked in shutting the door behind her. Nancy sat on the floor next to him and for a minute, stayed silent. He looked back down, everything that happened yesterday coming back to him. Guilt ate away at his chest, he tensed up.

When Matt looked at Nancy she sighed. Matt hadn't noticed how tired she looked until now. Granted, he figured that was natural with everything that happened. The guilt intensified, like little tiny monsters nibbling at his ribs. Even though Matt was old enough to know monsters weren't real, he envisioned the feeling like that.

Nancy looked, then down, and then back at her hands. Matt held his breath; it felt weird for her to be so quiet. Somehow, he found Nancy always knew what to say, like she had planned it out years ago. She tucked her hair behind her ear and stood up.

"I'll be right back, okay?" Matt nodded, confused. He watched her leave the room and he turned back to his homework. The vast amount of writing almost enough to make him give up for the night, but he had two more questions left.

He sighed and grabbed his pencil. As he scribbled down a bunch of numbers there was another knock at the door. Matt looked back up and Nancy walked back in, this time she didn't ask. He didn't care that much, if at all.

Nancy handed him a calculator. "Here, this might be easier than doing multiplication by hand." Matt shrugged.

"To be fair, I aced those tests back in third grade." Nancy smiled sadly sitting down next to him. Matt tensed up. "Sorry," he mumbled. Nancy shook her head.

"No, it's okay." She handed the calculator to him again. "But you're older now, you know how to multiply, and divide, and whatever else is on that paper," she chuckled. Matt smiled taking the generic box calculator.

"Thanks, mom." Nancy smiled. Matt himself was hung up on the effect two words could have. He tensed up, wondering how it came naturally when he was mad at her yesterday.

"Anyway, in about twenty minutes we've gotta head out." Matt glanced up at her.

"Where to?"

Nancy didn't say anything at first, which Matt uneasy. "I want you to start talking to somebody. I know you're confused about everything so hopefully this will help you." Matt nodded. but he didn't say anything, he wasn't sure what to make of it. Nancy looked at the floor and then back at Matt. "Are you okay with that?" Matt nodded again. "Okay," she said, breathing a sigh of relief.

After a minute she got up and left the room and Matt continued to do his homework. He was able to finish it and luckily that was the end of homework for the day. Matt sighed and sat on the floor for a minute, at a loss of what to do. In the end he only had a few minutes before his mother got him anyway, so it didn't matter too much.

"But you don't think you would have put up with it from someone else?" Matt shook his head. "Do you know why?" He shrugged.

"I guess it's easier when it's not him." Dr. Len sat up a little.

"Years ago when it all started, would that answer have been the same?" Avoiding the question Matt found a loose string on the chair and twirled it between his fingers. This was the third time he had done it, but who was counting? He was. At least he could focus on something else.

"I don't know," he said, "I don't think I would have understood the question back then. I wouldn't have believed he could have-" he winced and backed up a little more, hiding in the chair.

"What made your beliefs change?" he asked. Matt tensed up again.

"When he proved them wrong."

Dr. Len was silent for a minute, before speaking up. "If you were to describe your feelings during that time, how would you?" Matt paused, taking a minute to think about it. Being honest, he didn't know.

There was the shaking when the final bell rang and watching the clock at home in dread. He was free when he was at school, but at home he was trapped.

He... wasn't sure what to call any of that.

Then there was the part of him that felt so guilty about it all. He'd been told he was the reason the family falling apart. After all, he wouldn't have treated him like that for no reason, right? Then, Matt thought back to what his mother said, and all the confusion and anger had come back. Everything he thought he knew, gone.

"I don't know," he replied, letting go of the string. Dr. Len nodded.

"Can you describe what you're feeling thinking about it?" Matt was quiet for a moment looking for another string to focus on.

"I don't know, I guess. I thought I understood everything, but I don't anymore." He let out a shaky breath. "I was scared. When I went to school it was a different world where I was okay, and then when I got back to this one, and I was just scared."

"Do you know what changed now?" He shook his head.

"No," Matt shrugged, "nothing changed. It's still my fault."

"Do you know what you could have done for it to be your fault?"

"He said I was the reason they split up."

"Weren't you young at the time. If I remember correctly you said you were eight?" Matt nodded. "Was there an exact moment where the decision was made?"

"Yeah, my mom made the decision."

"So, how was it your fault?" Matt stopped and finally looked up at him, then he looked back down.

"I don't know."

TK

The corner of the room was a great place to look when you're avoiding conversations. You could see people out of your peripheral vision, but it looked like he couldn't see them. Then again, looking or not, he was still in the conversation. He sighed.

"TK, please."

He shrugged again. "I don't want to talk about it." Nancy sighed.

"Alright, fine, but can you at least tell me how I can help you?"

"No, that's talking about it, and I don't know, okay? I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

TK sighed and stood up and mumbled, "I'm going to be late."

"Aren't you still sick?"

"Do you want to take my temperature again?" Hopefully, it'd lead to a subject change.

"Fine, wait for Matt." TK nodded, grabbing his bag, sighing. He knew she was worried, but he didn't want her to be. It was so normal for him, so he thought nothing was wrong. It was him.

Matt came following behind her. TK glanced away, saying a quick goodbye and heading out. Over the past few days, the walk to school had gotten increasingly more awkward. He couldn't describe how disappointed he was in himself for letting this happen.

They made it to the school without a word, and something about walking away from Matt killed him. As TK walked through the halls, it didn't surprise him when he 'tripped'. A bit of laughter from other students rang in his ears. He winced, shut it out, and stood back up.

This all started with one push a few weeks into the basketball season, around the time Kari and Aiden started dating. Back then, he hadn't cared. Once it all started escalating, he started worrying about her. He was stressing her out, but he couldn't help but worry (he tried not to).

As he walked away, someone grabbed his arm. The words flew over his head. Something about the situation felt off. His arms felt heavy and his head hurt. TK shut his eyes and pulled his arm away. He didn't have to look to see who grabbed him; he knew.

Maybe mom was right, and I am still sick.

TK shook the feeling off. He was fine. It was probably some post-fever thing that happened sometimes. Was that a thing? His head was pounding too much to care.

TK hit his back on the lockers. He winced and saw Aiden standing before him, holding onto his shoulders. He looked at the floor; the words going straight over his head. Aiden pushed him again and TK hissed at a sharp pain. He blinked dumbly. The entire conversation seemed fuzzy. Aiden took his hand off one of his shoulders. Despite all the words being incoherent, he could hear Aiden's voice rising.

His heart started pounding against his ribcage, and his stomach turned. Thick tears clung to his eyes as well. TK took a deep breath through his nose, his throat hurt, and closed up. I can't breathe. He started shaking.

He looked up. TK could see Aiden talking, his mannerisms enough to scare him. He eyed him, scared of what his next action would be, as Aiden continued to talk. He crossed his arms. TK hadn't realized he moved his arm off his shoulder, and looked at TK. Not saying anything. Aiden pushed him again, holding him against the lockers.

"Psycho," he hissed. TK looked up at him and then around. That's when he finally saw how many people were surrounding them. He looked down, his breath hitched, and he saw his sleeve had ridden up. Frantically, he pulled it down, shuddering and blinking back tears. Reality set in.

The looks from his classmates were enough to make him break down, but he did his best to hold it back. Aiden moved back, smirking. Trent walked over to the pair, TK tensed up. He grabbed his arm and pulled Aiden away.

"You need to stop wasting your time, Aiden. Honestly, you're like a broken record," Trent said. TK tensed up, looking at the floor again. Aiden rolled his eyes and pulled away from Trent's grasp.

"Believe me, dealing with that is just as tiring," he replied. A couple of laughs stifled throughout the crowd. The more he looked, the more he noticed it was more than only five or six people. Aiden turned back to him, getting close to him again, and they made eye contact. TK crossed his arms and backed away, pressing his back against the cold lockers. "You really have nothing to say?"

He shut his eyes and mustered up the courage to look away. TK could hear his heart pounding in his ears, and his chest continued to tighten. He wiped a tear away as he vigorously blinked, trying to keep them away. TK coughed a few times into his arm. His chest felt like it was about to explode each time.

"You realize it's just for attention, right?" TK didn't look back up. He fought back the urge to scream that it wasn't. But once he started, he wouldn't stop.

"Aiden," Trent hissed, grabbing his arm again. Aiden shook him off.

"Shut up, Trent!" He turned back to TK. "You're selfish." TK tensed up, hugging himself. Aiden scoffed. "Doesn't matter, you're nothing either way." Aiden roughly grabbed TK's arm. TK looked up at him, a little shocked. He motioned behind him to the people standing surrounding them. "Do they look like they care?" He looked away again. Aiden pulled TK forward. He almost tripped. "Huh?"

"Aiden, we're going to be late-"

"You know, Trent got bored of you because you're too much of a hopeless case. You don't care about anything. It doesn't matter how you treat yourself. You'll further isolate yourself, anyway. Nobody cares about you.

"You are the biggest waste of space I ever had the displeasure to meet. Your so-called friend's just pity you and can't wait for the inevitable day you cut too deep. Your parents hate you, we hate you, and that's never going to change. Do us a favor and disappear for us because if I have to walk into school and see your face again, I might just kill myself. And you're the one who needs to go. I'll actually amount to something. You sure as hell won't.

"I see you trying to hide from everyone, but you fail. If you're bad at acting invisible, you should just end it and go six feet under. Sounds like a plan. You're already halfway there, just a little deeper, please. You're nothing and you will always be nothing-"

TK pushed Aiden away, only pushing himself backward. "Shut up!" Sure, he wasn't that strong, but it was enough to catch him off guard. Aiden stood in front of him, stunned for a minute. TK's eyes darted around at his shocked classmates. He couldn't stop his blood from boiling. They could not care less about the situation until he pushed someone. Someone chuckled.

"Showing your true colors, aren't you, TK." He tensed up, a few of his other classmates laughed. TK looked back at Aiden, who smirked.

"See what I mean?" TK tensed up and backed away from him, pivoting it into a sprint. He didn't care how many rules he was breaking. He just wanted out.

Isnt school 101 not to listen to rumors? TK sent. He sighed.

well ya but i wanted 2 make sure u were ok Davis reply.

I'm fine He shut his phone off and sat up, resting his head in his hands. After earlier, the whole situation had spread like wildfire. TK sighed, perking up when he heard the door open. By process of elimination, it was his mother. There was an inevitable knock at his door. He sighed.

"Come in." Nancy opened the door and walked in.

"Hey."

"Hi," he murmured. Nancy sat down next to him. "I didn't think you'd be back yet." Nancy looked at TK, but he kept his gaze on the ground.

"It's an hour-long appointment, and it's not that far," she said. TK nodded, tensing up again.

"Right, sorry."

"No need to apologize." TK said nothing and kept looking at the floor. "TK?" He jumped and looked back up at her. "We need to talk about this."

"Mom, please not right now."

"Then when TK? The longer this goes on, the more danger you're in."

"I'm not in danger." He looked back down, tensing up again.

"Why can't you just tell me why so I can help you?" Nancy asked, looking TK in the eye. He looked away and said nothing. Nancy sighed and started crying. He had never seen his mother cry, and it felt like a horrible son. Not even that, but like a horrible person.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I just don't know."

"TK-" he cut her off.

"Just let me have this, please."

"TK-"

"It's been a year and I haven't gotten hurt yet." He kept back the tears. He couldn't keep from crying. It just caused more stress.

Nancy wiped a few of her tears away. "You are hurt, TK."

"I'm used to it."

"TK-" he sighed.

"I don't want help." Nancy moved to sit on the floor so she could look TK in the eye. She moved a few stay pieces of hair out of his face.

"Please, there has to be something I can do to help you. Whatever you're dealing with, I'll help you find another way to cope. Please, stop hurting yourself." She was shaking. TK looked away, guilt stabbing him in the chest. He glanced back at her and she was wiping a few tears away. TK looked back and burst into tears, unable to contain it any longer.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Nancy pulled him into a hug and TK sobbed into her shoulder, coughing a few times. He tried to stop himself, but he couldn't. Nancy tried to comfort him, but there were too many emotions and it wasn't helping.

Nancy traced circles on his back, whispering comforting words. He had been keeping so much inside trying to keep it together, and he couldn't do it anymore. All the insecurities, confusion, despair, self-loathing came back full force.

The more he thought about it, he never dealt with it in the right way. If he had, he wouldn't be in this mess. TK returned his mother's hug, desperate for some reassurance. He couldn't handle dealing with it alone anymore. So, for a moment, he allowed himself to confide in his mother instead of a knife.