Friday, February 26

Matt

If there was a time he could tell it was winter, it was now. Five AM, February, below zero (-18) degrees. It felt weird to use the blanket, and he was cold. Matt shuddered, resting his head on his knees before looking at the digital clock next to the bed. He squinted, the red light hurt his eyes.

For once, he wanted to sleep. His eyes were heavy and stung. It was five am, and he'd be too tired if he woke up after sleeping for an hour. All-nighters, for him, were less tiring than going to sleep for a short amount of time.

He rested his head on the headboard, sighing. Deep down, he knew the lack of sleep was getting to him, but he never slept well. At least before he slept a little. On the days his father was home, he was too anxious to go to sleep and focused on keeping his guard up. Then there were the times he was in too much pain to sleep. Now that he was away from him, Matt's anxieties were getting worse.

For a while he sat there, shuddering from a cold chill. He shut his eyes, half tempted to keep them closed, but then he opened them again and adjusted how he was sitting. It was weird, but he choose the floor over the bed his mother had for him. He was used to it. It takes a lot for a feeling of a floor to change. Carpet isn't that soft after you sit on it for a while.

The clock ticked away until it was a good time for him to get up. He pulled himself off the floor, his back cracking in a few places. Matt stretched before turning to get dressed. He never minded school like other kids. It got him out of the house and away from his father. Now, it distracted him from all the confusion he had at his mothers.

Before he left the room, he ran his hand through his hair and rubbed his eyes, trying to ignore how tired he was. Then he made his way out of the room, hoping that nobody would see him.

This was one of the worst parts of being here. He never knew what to do. He didn't get along with his mom or TK, which he knew was on him, but he couldn't help it. Nobody could care about him as much as Nancy did and call it real. It couldn't be. It was him. And TK, well, he screwed himself over in that one. He pushed him away. As much as he wanted to blame it on TK, he couldn't. It was his own fault.

Matt was about to turn the corner when he jumped. Nancy did too. He crossed his arms and looked away, his face heating up. Did he jump that much? He sighed and glanced back up at Nancy, who hadn't moved.

"I was just coming to see if you were up," she said. Matt nodded, tempted to walk away. He didn't want to stay around there where it was nothing but awkward tension. They stood there for a second in silence. "I have to get going. Eat something, please." Matt nodded as he watched her grab her things and head out the door. She waved to him. "Bye, Matt."

"Bye," he mumbled. He rested against the wall, playing with his sleeve. There wasn't much else to do. He was ready to go. No, he wasn't going to eat. He established that before she had asked him. One week doesn't give him the right to food. It'd take a lot longer than that. Much longer.

A door opened. Matt looked up. For a moment, he met TK's eyes. TK's eyes darted away as he made his way to the bathroom. Matt's eyes stayed where he was standing for a bit until he finally pulled them away.

Matt shook his head. It didn't matter. The more he over thought about everything, the more complicated his questions became. He stopped playing with his sleeve, which had stretched out because of how much he had been pulling on it. The whole time Matt stood there, he felt uneasy, like something was off. He pushed the feeling aside. Being there felt weird.

He sighed. Every day, he was more and more grateful that school hadn't changed. Over time, he found that he'd rather be there than at his mother's house. There was too much tension, no matter what he did or whom he talked to.

One thing about winter, he hated it. He was cold was no matter how warm it was. And if he was cold when it was warm out, he was freezing when it was cold. Matt tried to hide the chills. He was scared to bring attention to himself, especially when TK was walking in front of him.

There wasn't a way to describe it, but things felt worse than they usually did. Some dark corners of his mind longed for things to go back to how they were. Not the abuse, but the neglect.

Matt didn't know how to react to everyone trying to help him. He had been fending for himself since he was eight. It's all he knew. The biggest changes were Sora being back, which he welcomed, and now he was aware of TK being there. And then Nancy's kindness changed everything he knew.

"So, when were you going to tell us?" Matt looked up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw TK do the same, then look down. Tai stood in front of him with his arms crossed. He'd never seen him so upset.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he replied as he tensed up.

"What happened with Sora!" Matt flinched. He opened his mouth to say something, but the hurt look on Tai's face stopped him. Matt looked back up at him, tears glistening in his eyes. He blinked them away.

"How did you find out about that?" Other kids walked past them. Matt stared at the ground to avoid their glances. Many people stopped and whispered. His breath hitched. This was the universe mocking him, wasn't it?

Tai scoffed. "It doesn't matter how I found out!" Matt dug his nails into his arms, barely holding himself. There was a part of him that wanted to bolt, turn, and wait to confront this another time. He sighed and closed his eyes, dizzy as his chest tightened.

"I just-" he cut himself off and took a step back. He glanced around. Of course, others besides him and Sora would know that story. Now, it was as if the entire school was wondering if he was the same. He, too, was scared he had become his father. As much as it killed him, that feeling never left. "I don't know what you want me to say."

"Why have you been lying to us for years?" Matt looked up, confused. This was recent, right? Tai had every reason to be mad, but years? Mimi was standing next to him now. She looked like she wanted to say something, but she kept quiet.

"I didn't-"

"Bullshit."

"I have no clue what you're talking about!" Matt cried. He took another step back, glancing around. Some people had moved on, some were still talking. That didn't matter, they were still there.

"I'm sorry, Tai, I think you should leave him alone," TK said quickly. At first, Matt didn't react to it, too engulfed in his confusion to notice.

"You don't need to get your two cents in, TK. This doesn't involve you." Matt looked up, even more confused. He glanced over at TK, who was looking away from him. TK shrugged.

"I don't see how it involves you, either."

"Sora is my friend," Tai responded.

"And Matt's my brother." Matt flinched, looking back down. His stomach twisted and his throat ached. Closing his eyes, he stopped himself from backing up again. A small, barely audible whimper escaped.

"You're acting like this could be avoided," Tai said. He didn't sound as mad as he had before, which was a plus. But those feelings were still there, underlying in his tone.

"Maybe not, but do you think this is a conversation you should be having on a public sidewalk?" Tai said nothing. Matt glanced up, making eye contact with him, desperate for him to understand what TK was saying. Tai looked down, a hint of guilt shining in his eyes. Mimi pulled him away. Tai nodded.

"You're right, sorry." He walked away with Mimi. Matt glanced over at TK, who seemed to linger there for a few moments, and then walked away. Matt perked up.

"TK." TK stopped and turned around. He said nothing and looked away.

"Thanks," Matt said. TK nodded and walked away. Matt shuddered. People were still looking at him. Matt went inside and tried to ignore them. He reached his locker and sighed, trying to slow his breathing. After a moment, he opened his locker, threw his things inside, and tore down the hallway.

He turned a corner and walked into the bathroom, shutting a stall door behind him. He rested his head against it, then sighed. Tears fell, and he wiped them away. Tai was the last person he thought would be upset, sure. He understood how he would be, but in the end, he always had his back. Another chill hit him; Matt shivered.

To make matters worse, TK continued to confused him. He never seemed interested in his being there before, and now he's sticking up for him? He might have been looking too far into it, but there had to be a reason. TK could have walked away when it started, but he didn't. Matt sighed again. It wasn't about finding what stayed the same anymore; it was being prepared for what would change. He hated that.

TK

No matter how hard he tried to focus, he couldn't. He flipped another page, barely reading the words. TK glanced at the clock, sighed, and went back to reading. Nancy had an earlier shift than usual, covering for a sick co-worker or something. Normally, it wouldn't phase him, but now he was stuck alone with Matt.

Beep. TK jumped and glanced over at his phone. He grabbed it off his nightstand. He blinked, an unknown number staring back at him. With a slight feeling of dread, he opened the text.

Just so you know, I'm not the only one who thinks you're worthless. Kari said she wants distance from you because you've been so irritable. She's just too nice to say anything. - Aiden

TK read the message and shut his phone. He didn't put it down and stood up. After placing the book down, he started pacing. Je shouldn't have been surprised. He shouldn't have been this hurt. This was normal. But the way Aiden was starting using Kari against him, he hated it more than anything. As much as the things he said to his face hurt, the lies he could say behind his back scared him more.

TK walked out of his room, too caught up in his thoughts to remember that Matt was out there. As soon as he met Matt's eyes, he looked away. It wasn't possible to look away fast enough.

Make a move. Standing there would create more tension. He couldn't grab his coat and leave early as he had aimed to. So, TK walked to the bathroom. It was the first place that came to mind. The door clicked behind him. He locked the door and let his hand rest on the doorknob.

You've been so irritable. TK winced. Once again, he wasn't surprised. TK knew he had changed, and he knew that Aiden could have been lying; he ignored that. He could've been. TK could have ruined his relationship with one of his closest friends.

TK started pacing again. The ten minutes until he had to leave for school would be long ones. TK turned to the sink cabinets and opened them; his eyes rested on the razor blade. After grabbing it, he set it on the sink and shut the drawer.

TK rested his head in his hands, ran them through his hair and grabbed the blade; he lifted a sleeve.

This cut made him feel stronger. He wasn't strong. He was the kid who broke down in the school bathrooms. But the pain was like a burst of energy. TK moved his hand, cringing at the discomfort. He kept going; it was distracting him.

He finished with four cuts in total. As the blood rolled down his arm, he watched, unfazed. He placed toilet paper over the cuts. Once he was confident they were through bleeding, he threw the paper into the toilet and flushed it. TK washed his hands to get the small bit of blood off.

His reflection caught him by surprise. He was almost scared about it. TK's eyes were bloodshot, his skin was pale, there were bags under his eyes. He blinked. He looked thinner. TK never paid attention before, it that much worse that he was noticing.

Tensing up, he looked down. As he moved his hands, he could tell he had lost weight. TK turned away from the mirror and looked at the floor, trembling. It was stupid that this scared him. He had always looked fine; it was his arms that held all his issues. He shuddered. Was this all taking that bad of a toll on him? TK shook his head and walked out of the bathroom. It was time to go.

Matt didn't look at him when he walked out, which he took as a blessing. He was looking at the floor, lost in thought. TK made his way over to the coat rack. He grabbed his and put it on, cringing as it glided over his arm. Then he left, Matt trailing several feet behind him.

How do you divide your attention when approximately 50 things are going on? TK looked around at the kids surrounding the scene. He acted like he couldn't hear the whispers or sense their judgment. TK looked over at Matt. He seemed even more uncomfortable than he was.

He looked up at Tai who stood with his arms crossed, defensive, angry, confused. TK looked back down, tugging on his backpack. It wasn't his place to say anything. But when he looked at Matt, he looked so scared. It was something TK never thought he'd say.

Matt kept taking small steps back. TK couldn't ignore the hurt in his eyes. TK didn't know the full story, but judging by his reaction, it was something about his father.

"Isn't that the kid who cuts himself?" TK winced. He recognized the girls from his classes. The issues surrounding what happened yesterday frustrated him even more. He looked at Matt one last time. Despite how shy he was, how scared he was to say anything, he couldn't watch. Matt probably wasn't ready to talk about whatever the issue was.

TK shuddered before looking at Tai again. They weren't strangers, being friends with Kari, they'd seen each other a lot, and they got along.

"I-" he stopped himself and winced. Nobody heard him. He mustered up what little courage he had. "I'm sorry, Tai, I think you should leave him alone." Tai looked at him.

"You don't need to get your two-cents in, TK. This doesn't involve you." TK looked down. He had hoped it would have all resolved after one sentence. He should have known better.

"I don't see how it involves you, either," he said. Several people had moved on, others were still there. There was a heavy sense of judgment on him, mostly from junior high kids. It was enough to make TK feel uncomfortable.

"Sora is my friend."

"And Matt's my brother." TK almost jumped at how quick he replied; he hadn't thought about it. Would that make Matt uncomfortable?

"You're acting like this could be avoided," Tai said. TK sighed. Was it fair to make Matt talk about what happened? If this was about their father, it seemed wrong to force him to say anything. As far as TK knew, Tai knew nothing about it.

"Maybe not, but do you think this is a conversation you should be having on a public sidewalk?"

"You're right, sorry." TK looked up, shocked. He didn't expect Tai to mean that, but as he walked away. TK saw the guilt in his eyes. TK waited for Tai to get a little farther ahead to avoid any further confrontation, then he walked away.

"TK," Matt said. TK jumped, his feet stopping on his own. He turned around to face Matt, not making eye contact. What was he doing? Matt could handle himself. Tai was his friend. He didn't have a place saying anything-

"Thanks." Matt wasn't looking at him. Tears welled in his eyes. TK looked back down and nodded, whispering a small 'you're welcome'. TK walked away before he made another bad decision. He took comfort in Matt's tone. He sounded genuine. TK sighed and tugged on his bag as he made his way through the halls.

Some students looked at him. He sighed in relief. Even if everyone knew, they weren't all outwardly judging him. A glimmer of hope shone through. Maybe he could fix the issues he and Matt's relationship had, at least, on his side. Even if Matt didn't want to talk to him, he could at least show that he didn't hate him, that he cared.

It seemed like a dream for their relationship to reflect what it once was. He'd love it if they could trust each other to some extent. TK was lost in his thoughts when his feet lost their direction as he tried to steady himself. His back hit a locker. He looked up to see Aiden, who smirked.

"Stop getting in the way." Aiden turned on his heel and left. TK pulled his bag closer to him and sighed. Maybe he shouldn't try to fix things, at least not yet. Matt had enough going on. He didn't need TK causing more confusion. Besides, he was bound to say the wrong thing. He'd get in the way of Matt getting used to things. He wanted him to be happy. There was no way talking to him would help Matt. If anything, he'd make it worse.