Tuesday, March 1
Matt
He could create and combine the different rhythms he made. It took him a while to come up with something that he could remember and recreate.
Was tapping your fingers on a table that complicated? Sure, if it kept him occupied. That way he didn't have to think.
Matt knew he should leave for school soon. If he waited much longer, he'd be late. But much longer meant he had time. It meant he could keep stalling, could keep waiting.
He didn't dwell on how before he would have wanted to be anywhere but home, and as of right now, he didn't want to leave. One might ask why he cared. It shouldn't matter, right?
This was different. The better question is, why wouldn't he care? He had to be patient, to give it as much time as he could. Unfortunately, he had less than three minutes to wait it out. Matt wasn't about to skip and cause more issues.
So, he continued to focus on the table, messing with different tempos and orders. Were five fingers and a wooden table a great musical instrument? No, but it was good enough. If calling it music would help him relax, he was going to call it music.
Finally, with one last glance at the door, he got up and grabbed his bag. He'd halfheartedly thrown his coat on earlier, so he was ready. Matt watched the clock, staring at its place on the wall, relishing in every second he could spare.
The minute hand switched, it was time. Matt sighed, giving himself thirty more seconds. Nothing happened. Matt blinked. He couldn't argue, but he didn't have to like it either. He turned to the door and left the apartment.
No one else was with him. Somehow, that made it worse. Nobody knew. He wondered if anyone could know. Someone probably did. He's been here for years while Matt's been there for a little over a week.
Regardless, it didn't mean he couldn't ask questions. It didn't mean he couldn't feel bad for Nancy. And it definitely didn't mean he didn't have every right to be pissed.
If Tai was any sign that he should try to sort his crap out, Matt was ignoring it. It took a lot for Tai not to talk everyone's ears off during lunch. It rarely happened. When it did, something bad happened, or it was an off day.
Of course, he had to consider this to be a bad day. That's why they all sat at the table, quiet. Matt kept his gaze away from the group while Tai picked at his food. Sora said nothing either. Matt briefly wondered if she knew.
Stop. Matt tensed. There's nothing to know. Calm down and stop being dramatic. If he had to act like things were fine- no, there was no acting, everything was fine. It wasn't Matt's fault nobody else agreed. Whatever. He'd have to ignore it. Something had to be certain.
Matt sighed and grabbed his untouched tray of food, leaving to throw it out. Sora looked like she was going to protest, but Tai stopped her. They couldn't take this from him too. Not here, not now. He wouldn't let them. Matt lingered away from the table for a second longer. Neither of them were looking at him, anyway.
He took a breath. Everything's fine. Matt turned on his heel, walking back to the table and sitting down wordlessly.
The last time lunch had been this quiet was after Sora's accident. Nobody knew what to say. They couldn't say anything because they didn't know anything.
He let the silence play out. He watched the other kids continue like nothing was wrong- because nothing was wrong. None of it mattered. Nothing happened. Everything was fine.
The bell rang. He stood up and waited for them. When Tai caught up to him, Matt walked again.
"Ready for class?" he asked. Tai was the one who usually held the conversations, but that didn't mean Matt couldn't do it. Tai had said little all day; Matt wasn't ready for hours of prolonged silence again.
Stop it. There was none, just stop.
"Yeah," he replied, quietly. Too quiet. "You?"
"Yep." He turned to go to class. Tai followed, and he could feel him staring at him. Bubbling over with a million questions.
Matt didn't say anything after that.
"Did everyone get that?" Most of his classmates nodded. Matt did too. His health teacher continued on. Matt did everything he could to pay attention. For once, it was working. Sora kept giving him a concerned look. He wished he could tell her to stop. If anyone should pay attention, it's her. She was having a hard time catching up.
Matt took the note, trying his best to say to her, really, I'm okay. He was. There was no doubt in his mind. Everyone else disagreed, though. Even when there was no reason to.
Their lesson was on the impact of nutrition. Lovely. At least it was easy, no difficult subjects that'd trip him up on the homework. He was fine.
"So, often blood clots can occur." Matt's breath hitched. "And blood clots can be very dangerous." He tried to block him out, but he couldn't. "They can result in death."
Sirens. Sirens again, and again, and again. They faded, but they still played. They played all night. Matt shuddered.
He needed to get out of this room, take a breather. After that, he'd be fine.
Matt raised his hand and pretended it wasn't shaking. It took a minute for the teacher to call on him, but he did, eventually.
"C... Can I go to the bathroom?" His voice shook a little. He did his best to mask it. The teacher glanced at the clock, then back at him.
"Can you wait? Class is almost over." Matt wanted to scream that he couldn't, but he couldn't argue with an adult. Defeated, he nodded.
He couldn't bring himself to listen to his words any longer. Matt doubted he could if he tried. He froze, he froze again. Why does he keep doing that? He didn't want to! Not again, not here, not now.
Stop it. He shut his eyes as if doing so would block out the past like it blocked out the present. What he had to do- all he had to do, was tell him she needed him.
That's not what happened.
Matt cringed. That wasn't his fault- it couldn't be his fault. Right? It was his choice, not his. Her reaction wasn't his fault. The mess left behind wasn't his.
Knowing that didn't help. Rationally, it should. He was so used to blaming himself for everything, but this time he couldn't. Matt only blamed him.
He hated that more than anything. Matt couldn't think like that- he'd never be able to say that out loud, but he still thought it. No matter how much he tried to push the thought away, he still felt it. He didn't want to.
Matt was hearing everything around him. But at the same time, he didn't. He was shaking, again he was shaking. But this time, he was watching himself shake from above in the middle of the classroom.
"Matt?" It was her again, making sure he was okay, acting like he could ignore how she was crying and he wasn't. Like he could ignore that, or where she was going. He said he didn't want to go with her, but he didn't want to be alone.
"Matt?" He jumped, glancing up at the teacher again, who was looking at him, concerned. Why was he crying? He zoned out, sure, but not that bad. "Why don't you go outside and take a breather, okay?" he said, motioning to the door. Matt nodded and made his way out, grateful to get out of there. He needed out of there.
Once he was out of the classroom, Matt leaned against the wall and took a shaky breath. It's okay, you're okay. Breathe. He was alone again, this time he didn't mind it.
She had called. The ring scared him, breaking an hour long silence between him and the apartment walls. Matt had picked it up, not that he knew why he did it. Something told him should. He didn't have her number memorized. He hadn't recognized it.
She'd told him she was staying, just in case, asked him if he was fine with that. Like saying no wouldn't make things ten times harder on her. Like he'd be willing to admit how shaken he was. He couldn't look the direction of his room. He hated how he hadn't said something in that instant. Instead, there was a minute before she walked over. It hadn't taken long, considering he was visibly shaking, but it still took time.
They say every second counts; he wasted some because he couldn't move.
The door opened, pulling Matt back into reality. He glanced over to Sora, who walked over to him. As close as it was, it felt like it took forever. Once, she stopped a few feet next to him. He sighed. It felt calmer with her here, safer. She wouldn't let him think alone.
"You okay?" she asked. He could tell she thought it was a stupid question, but it felt necessary. Matt opened his mouth to say something, to say he was, but the words caught in his throat. He shook his head.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He looked at her, watching her gaze. Matt looked back down. If she knew what was- had happened, would she still want to hear?
"He- I-" he winced, "I- I can't." Sora nodded. She looked away from him, instead looking at nothing in particular.
"It's okay. You don't have to if you don't want to."
"I want to. I just don't think I can." Sora nodded saying nothing for a minute, but she didn't turn to leave either. That meant more than he thought it would.
"Does Tai know?" Matt glanced at her, and she looked at him. They made eye contact for a second before they both turned away.
"He might. Kari's friends with him."
"Tai…?"
"TK," he mumbled.
"Oh." Her voice didn't scream anything. Matt couldn't tell what that meant. He didn't think about it, though. "Did something happen?"
Matt tensed up. "You could say that." Again, Sora was silent. It was an expectant silence. Matt waited for the 'what happened' or 'is he okay?' but it never came. Matt was glad. He couldn't give her an answer. He didn't know. That'd usually result in a 'it'll be okay'. He didn't want that. There was no guarantee it would be.
"Matt?" He blinked and looked at her. "Can I hug you?" He blinked again before thinking it over and nodding.
Sora pushed herself off the wall and pulled Matt into a hug. He hugged her back. It wasn't awkward like the last one, which was a relief.
Any other time, he'd get caught up in the why. In this moment, he accepted it. There was too much to think about. The whole situation was a lot.
He wanted to be angry. It'd be so much easier to blame TK. Why be mad at him? Matt couldn't tell if he was angry with TK or someone else. He wondered if it was possible to get anger and confusion confused.
"I hope you're proud." A locker slammed shut. Matt stopped, glancing over in the voice's direction. It was Davis.
"What the..." Tai trailed off, not finishing his sentence. Matt glanced over at him. Weirdly enough, Matt wanted to go home, get out of the school, move on to another day.
A few other kids stopped. Matt was going to continue walking. Screw it, middle school drama was disastrous, anyway. Then he said something.
"It's not my fault you're blaming me for something that's not my fault."
"Oh, please. It's yours. You know it." Matt's breath hitched.
"Well, nobody cares about you! You just take up space."
Yeah, he was blaming the wrong person.
"He has a point, Aiden." Matt glanced up at another kid. He looked vaguely familiar.
"See, even your buddy Trent agrees with me." Aiden laughed.
"Yeah, he's one hell of a friend." Trent didn't reply. Aiden glanced around before his eyes landed on Matt.
"Hey, Matt. How's your brother doing?" Matt flinched. Tai stepped in front of him.
"What is wrong with you, Aiden?" he spat. Aiden shrugged.
"Nothing, just wondering if he made it to hell y-" Davis punched him, cutting him off. He tripped. Other people had more of a reaction. Tai looked shocked.
Matt blinked, numb. He shook his head and turned. "And I hope you rot there," he said, loud enough for Aiden to hear.
Knowing what he did, he was driving himself insane. Matt wanted to be alone, but he didn't. He wanted to be there, but he didn't. If he thought about it, thought about him, he panicked.
He didn't know what he wanted.
At least there he didn't have to worry about it. He'd focused on his schoolwork. It was math. Nothing that scared him. It was numbers. Numbers were fine. Numbers were okay,.
Then he was called. Matt had to go to the office; he had to see her; he had to go home. Not that a hospital was home. It wasn't school, and it wasn't a place he could avoid everything. He had to face everything head-on.
He tensed up, picking at the bottom of his jacket. This was a good thing, right? Things were supposed to be okay now, right? She'd told him he was alright, awake even. He'd waited months for those words with Sora. It'd only taken a little under 24 hours this time. But he knew was he didn't want to do this, or see him.
That was wrong, right? Shouldn't he be ecstatic? Anyone else would be. He had every reason to be. So why wasn't he? Did he have to be? Was he a bad person if he wasn't? Yeah, he was glad he was okay, but he didn't want to see him, not yet.
It's not like they were close to begin with. They didn't have a relationship. Would TK want to see him? He doubted 'd argued with him a few days ago. Besides, it would not be okay after this, was it? It couldn't be.
Here he was, sitting in a car on his way to the hospital to see him again. For the first time since- he winced. Don't think about it. He did.
His mind wandered until they were right by his door. Matt panicked. Why wasn't he thinking and trying to figure out what he wanted to say. What could he say? Did he have to say anything? Why was she bringing him here in the first place? Did she say why? He wasn't paying attention. He should have been paying attention. Did Nancy say anything to him that entire car ride or was it silent after she told him he was okay? He'd only nodded in response.
Why couldn't he get out of his head? He had to stop that. Why wasn't he listening? If he was, he'd have a better understanding about what was going on. This was hard enough. He made it even worse.
Nancy opened the door. Matt's heart stopped, his mouth going dry, his muscles tensing, his throat closing. Shit. Matt opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't. He stood to the side so he couldn't see the room or inside of it, couldn't see him. He wasn't sure he wanted to.
I'll wait out here, he wanted to say. Is that okay? It's not. He's supposed to be there for him. He was struggling. That's how being the older sibling is supposed to be. Why wasn't it like that here? It should be. Matt was supposed to have the answers, wasn't he?
How could he have answers to questions he didn't understand?
Nancy walked in, pausing to glance at Matt. Matt held his breath, his feet glued to the floor by his doubts.
She opened her mouth to say something, but Matt walked forward before she could. He didn't want her to say anything. He could hide in the corner and not say anything; TK wouldn't notice, would he?
Nancy left to do paperwork a few minutes later. Matt continued to keep his gaze away from him; both boys were silent.
He didn't know if this was a good thing or not, or at least the right thing. Perhaps there was no 'right thing' to do here. TK wasn't saying anything, either. Silence was easier, wasn't it? They had nothing to say to each other before; why would they now?
Still, Matt felt this constant nagging to at least break the silence. It wasn't a comfortable one either. Matt believed that was his clue that, hey, one of you should say something.
Without that, he wanted to. Not a lot, but at the very least a small hi, or acknowledgment of him, would be something. The entire conversation was silence. Nancy said a few mundane things before she left. TK had stayed silent with the occasional one-word response. Meanwhile, Matt sat in a chair, silent.
Nobody knew what to do. That wasn't anyone's fault, he knew. As much as he wanted to say something, what if he said the wrong thing? His relationship with TK was strained enough as it is. Now wasn't the time to fix it. Attempting that could make things worse, neither of them needed that right now.
Not to mention the anger Matt buried in the pit of his stomach. Why? He had no idea; he wouldn't dare admit it to anyone either. Matt couldn't imagine saying it to someone. He didn't know why he was angry, or if he was. He was, at first, he thought he'd known. Now? Matt had no idea if it was the same thing or something completely different. Regardless, he was angry.
He didn't want to be. It'd be easier if he wasn't. Anger scared hi. Then again, if anything this past week had taught him, he truly didn't know himself.
His stomach twisted. The dumb hospital chemicals were overwhelming. The situation itself was overwhelming, everything was overwhelming. Matt didn't want to do this. Not today, not tomorrow. If he had the option, he wouldn't do it at all.
But he didn't, did he? This wasn't something that could be avoided- maybe it could? At least wait until he could figure out his feelings about the whole thing. Well, the parts he knew.
Did anyone know, besides TK, what actually happened? Matt doubted it. Nobody would if nobody asked, had Nancy asked? The entire time, she'd seemed to avoid it. Since it happened, since now. Of course, he hadn't been here the entire day like she had. It was possible that conversation had taken place when he wasn't here.
What was he thinking? He couldn't have a conversation with TK when he wanted to. Right now, when he doubted he could it'd be all but impossible. He hadn't even talked to Nancy when she was here. Maybe that was because he was in here as well?
He couldn't read TK, he didn't know him. TK didn't know him. H tried to kill himself. A conversation with the guy who'd chewed him out a few days ago wouldn't help. Matt didn't want to risk it. Then again, were the unanswered questions making things worse? They didn't get along, but he never wanted this to happen. He didn't want TK to feel this way, didn't want him to leave.
Was he afraid to lose him? In a way, he already had. TK wasn't the same kid anymore. He didn't have any reason to believe Matt was the same. Not that he was. They were strangers to their old selves, strangers to each other.
Yet, he was his brother. That had to count for something, right? Just because they didn't know each other didn't mean they never did or could. It felt like a lifetime ago, but it was still this lifetime.
Did it matter? Did it still count? Was there a chance? Matt didn't know the answers. He never did, maybe he never would. Regardless, he opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again.
"Are you… are you okay?" he asked. It wasn't the best question. No, Matt, he's not okay. Matt knew he wasn't okay, but they were the only words he could manage. That had to count for something.
TK said nothing. The only thing Matt could hear besides his own beating heart was a light shuffling after he asked. He couldn't bring himself to look at TK.
The silence was still unnerving. It shouldn't be. TK had been quiet this entire week. He was only five back then; he was going to change. You're not the same person as you were when you were a toddler. That was the only time he'd ever known TK, though. That's the TK he'd protected. He didn't know him now.
What would have happened if they weren't separated? Matt would know him, wouldn't he? Would they be the same? Even if they weren't, they'd have grown up and adapted easier. Matt wasn't the same, either. He knew that now.
Was that what they had to do? Try? Relearn? That's what they would have done if things had happened like that, right? Was that all they needed? Time and effort?
"I just..." Matt sighed, burying his head in his hands, running his hands through his hair. What was he trying to do here? What was he trying to say? He shouldn't have said anything. Silence would have been better than the wrong thing, right? "I'm sorry."
The air was still, as if both of them were holding their breath. Maybe TK was. Matt looked further into the corner, wrapping his arms around his head even more.
"I guess I… I guess I came here thinking it would be the same, thinking you never grew up." He watched TK, who blinked, muling over his words. Matt's chest tightened. He used to be so talkative. TK's silence hadn't hurt as much as it did now. He hadn't noticed it. "I was expecting you to still need me like you used to. I'm sorry."
Things were quiet again. TK was still quiet. Matt hated it and he didn't know why. TK talked little, at least to him.
It made sense. He would not bounce back right away after this. It was another thing that needed time.
Was there something more? Was he wrong and TK wasn't talking to him? Maybe it was him, it had to be him, right? This kind of thing- he was no expert, but it didn't come out of the blue like that, did it? He didn't know; he had no way of knowing and it was killing him.
Well, he knew about Aiden. That was all he had.
He spared a quick glance to TK. He was laying down, his hands clenched into fists around the white blanket. They wrapped the entirety of his arms in bandages. Matt could see the lower part had a small patch of blood that'd bled through.
Matt hoped he wasn't in pain.
He wasn't looking at him. Matt could barely see his eyes, though he could he didn't look for long. Matt doubted he was listening. Judging by how tense he seemed, he might have been. Or he didn't like that Matt was here at all. The thought hurt and didn't know why.
TK had blinked a few times, slowly, automatically. He was there, but not there. Perhaps he was, and Matt didn't know it. It's not like he had any way of knowing. But something about him, it wasn't okay; he wasn't okay. Neither of them were.
He tore his eyes away from TK, continuing to hide his face in his arms. His hands clenched into fists around his thin and brittle hair. Matt suppressed a shudder.
He didn't want to leave him. It's not like he could help. They couldn't have a conversation, let alone be friends. Matt had his own share of issues to be worrying about. He knew he had to worry about those. Whatever means of coping he had was thrown out the window. He'd been a wreck all week. There were so many things he had to deal with, but he couldn't find it in himself to neglect whatever TK was hiding. He couldn't leave his brother.
"It's okay," TK said, almost inaudibly. TK's voice was weak. He sounded weak, afraid. Matt's breath hitched, the silence broken. He hadn't expected it.
"It's not," he whispered, just loud enough for TK to hear. There was more shuffling. Matt glanced up, seeing TK roll over so his back faced Matt. A twinge of guilt shot through his chest. He was making this worse, wasn't he?
"This isn't your fault, please don't think that." This time, Matt fell silent. He didn't know how to reply to that. He might not have needed to. If he had, he didn't get the chance. After a few brief moments of silence, Nancy came back again. Matt let himself breathe again. Despite the silence, despite the pain, despite the raging sea of questions, it was silent.
TK
The pain didn't go away. It shot up his arm despite the darkness. There was a light, causing TK to wince. His eyes didn't open, and he clutched the soft material underneath him. It made the pain worse, but he didn't release the hold.
A soft groan escaped as he clenched his eyes shut. Why did it hurt so much? TK couldn't tell where he was, he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He tried to think about what happened before, but his memory was hazy. The pain wasn't. His wrist ached.
Tears welled in his eyes. TK cringed again. He'd had bad days before, making it hard to leave an episode behind him, but never like this. A cut would sting a little or make it hard to hold a pencil. This was so much worse.
Despite that, he felt relieved. It'd been worse than this in the past. The moment he cut was always the worst past pain wise. What did he do to make it this bad- oh. TK's breath hitched. Right.
Suddenly, he there was a rhythmic beeping beside him and voices that sounded so far away but so close. TK's heart sunk.
He pried his eyes open, wincing at how bright the room was. It took a minute for his eyes to adjust and be able to keep his eyes open without his head hurting.
There was a slight throbbing pain in his head. TK ignored it, focusing on his breathing. The crushing onset of anxiety was enough to make his head spin. His hand's grip on the now identified hospital blanket tightened, despite the pain in his wrist.
Tears welled in his eyes; he closed them, willing to blame it on how bright it was. For a place that was holding people who were sick, they didn't mind giving them headaches.
TK bit his tongue, a sob built in the back of his throat. He couldn't get this right and now he was paying the price. There was a movement at the other side of the room. TK tensed.
"TK?" TK swallowed, cracking his eyes open. His breath hitched, seeing his mother's worried glance as she took his hand. He looked away, closing his eyes again. "Are you okay?" No.
TK didn't reply; he didn't move; he didn't want to be here. How was he supposed to face everyone after this- he couldn't die successfully?
Nancy sighed. He didn't if it was relief or worry or nerves or whatever. TK didn't care. He bit his inner lip to keep it from quivering, a twinge of regret twisting in his stomach. This was his fault. All of it was his fault.
Nancy was quiet again. He welcomed the silence. If Nancy was quiet, he didn't have to say anything; he had no obligation to bring up a conversation if he didn't want to. It made being silent much easier.
Then again, it was hard to stay silent. TK knew she had questions, knew there were going to be questions. He didn't know if he could answer them, or if he wanted to.
Still, the urge to say something was captivating. It felt cruel to leave her in the dark. TK didn't know what happened. He knew he didn't want to. That night was hard for him to think about, and he'd been awake for less than five minutes. He could only imagine what it was like for her.
It hurt to know that he was the one causing all this pain and couldn't change that. TK wouldn't if he could. He wished it had worked. Had this worked, he wouldn't be here; he wouldn't have to face it. Confrontation was scary. The idea of what could happen now was scary.
Still, he hadn't meant for it to happen. He accepted it when it did, that's all. Did he tell her that? Would that make things worse? He had to say something, so he started there.
"I don't mean for this to happen," he said. It was barely a whisper. His chest felt hollow, his heart pounding in his ears. He didn't want this, any of it. TK could still feel Nancy's eyes on him. She was silent, though, but she was listening. "But when it did, I didn't mind." The air felt still. TK almost doubted he was breathing. "I'm sorry," he said, "that doesn't make it any better."
"No," Nancy said, her voice breaking. Guilt clawed at his chest like a sea of monsters preparing to drag him down and bury him before a cut ever could. "It doesn't."
TK meant to say an apology out of instinct, but the words died in his dry and barren throat. TK couldn't say it if he wanted to; he couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not. There was nothing good about the situation, regardless.
Nancy sighed. It was tearful, shaken, broken. TK tensed, his still aching wrist clenching around the pillowcase.
"TK, something has to change." I know. TK didn't know what was supposed to. He knew what Nancy wanted. He didn't want the same thing. Sure, it's what got them here, but it's what almost got him out, though. He'd been so close to an escape. Now, he felt further trapped. TK couldn't hide from how bad this was, no matter how much he wanted to.
She was quiet again. He didn't know if she wanted him to say something. Deep down, he knew he couldn't. The silence was easier. She couldn't rob him of that. Nobody could. The more he laid there, the more grief of his failure built up inside of him. He couldn't catch a break. Was it so bad for him to want an eternal one?
"Please," she whispered, almost hollow. Her voice was so quiet, but so full. TK couldn't manage any more than a nod, burying his face so his tears weren't visible to anyone else.
The betrayal would hurt more if he failed; he didn't have high hopes he would succeed. He kept the ending of the conversation to a singular nod. It was easier; it was safer. The silence was easier.
After his soundless agreement, Nancy had tried to talk to him about irrelevant things. TK knew she didn't want to, but it was easier than dealing with tension.
She'd left to go pick up Matt from school early. It was quiet again, save for the rhythmic beeping and soft chatter from outside the room. It was calm. And unlike the unanswered questions and impending conversation, it was safe. It felt wrong for him to hope they'd avoid it. He did anyway.
TK tried not to think about how there was a distinct possibility Matt would come here. The possibilities of either of them talking to each other was slim like it always was. Now, though, was it different? These were the moments things changed, right? In any movie or book he'd read whenever there was some sort of 'tragedy', things looked up afterwards.
It was fake. TK didn't want their relationship to change because of his own failure. It was wrong? Part of him wanted to believe Matt cared, the part that didn't doubt it. Still, if this was the moment things change, he wasn't sure how to feel about it.
If he couldn't get out of this mess, could things go back to how they were before? Before the argument and they had a silent agreement to not say anything to each other. Before Aiden, before his arguments with Kari, before everything.
TK hadn't thought about them when it happened. He'd hoped they'd all shrug and move on, as awful as it sounded. TK had been making himself forgettable for the past year, at least, he thought he was. Was it his fault for not trying hard enough? What if he'd succeeded, and they cared? His last moments would cause more pain.
His breath hitched, and he pulled the blanket closer to his chin to hide. If someone came here, could he pretend to be sleeping? Nancy's voice during their short one-sided conversation played through his head repeatedly. TK didn't mean to hurt anyone, but he couldn't do this anymore; he didn't want to.
He had to go to school after this, didn't he? Could he transfer? Was that an option without moving? No, it's not. Why would you think it is? The thought of seeing everyone again, his teachers, Aiden, it made his skin crawl. He'd thought things were complicated before. It was worse now, so so much worse.
TK rolled onto his back, closing his eyes. People say don't run away from your problems, but he'd been walking through the fire for so long. TK didn't want to do it anymore. He couldn't do it anymore. When he tried to get out of them, every time he failed. When he used to stand up to Trent and Aiden, well, now more Aiden. Any time he tried to break free, he was pushed back and felt more defeated every time.
Giving up was easier, taking it was easier. Trying to escape was hard because he had to live with the consequences. This time, had he succeeded, he wouldn't have had to.
The door opened, snapping TK out of his thoughts. Though he made no physical reaction, keeping as still as he could. He opened his eyes, turning his head to look at the wall
"Hi," Nancy said. It was quiet. TK gave little of a reply. Simply a soft and strained smile without looking away from the wall. TK's breath hitched upon seeing Matt out of the corner of his eye.
Nancy sat down in the seat next to him, Matt taking the one in the corner. His heart pounded; his mind raced; he didn't want to say anything. TK hated that he liked it better without them there, but it didn't stress him out as much.
She'd tried to talk to him. He couldn't look at her. He refused. Maybe he should have. If he had, would she have stayed instead of leaving to go do paperwork? He'd never know. Now, he was stuck in the most uncomfortable silence of his life.
He didn't look at Matt. As far as he knew, he didn't look at him. TK prayed Nancy would be back soon. He didn't want to talk to her, but if she was here, he wouldn't be alone with Matt. He doubted they'd talk, they'd never had the conversation Matt had asked to have a few days ago. TK didn't want this to be the reason things changed.
"Are you… are you okay?" Matt asked. TK's breath hitched. He said nothing. If he acted like he wasn't there, Matt might forget. It was a stupid plan. TK rolled over a little, trying to hide behind the blanket the best he could. He knew it wasn't working.
"I guess I… I guess I came here thinking it would be the same, thinking you never grew up." TK blinked and inwardly frowned. This shouldn't be the reason he knows this. He wished Matt had said this before, or after, but not now. "I was expecting you to still need me like you used to. I'm sorry."
He continued to hold the blanket in his hands. TK hated this. He wasn't mad at Matt; he understood why this would complicate things. Something about it felt wrong.
He apologized. Why? He had no reason to; it wasn't his fault. None of it was. Sure, their relationship was rocky, but that wasn't Matt's fault. TK tried to understand why. They didn't know each other. That was the simple answer. Why weren't either of them trying?
"It's okay," he whispered, his chest tightening. He didn't blame Matt. TK didn't want him to blame himself, either.
"It's not." TK buried his face in the pillow, pulling the blanket closer. What did he say? He ran through his options. TK's throat was tight, still sore for whatever reason. He opened his mouth to say something a few times, but nothing came out.
He didn't care about the reason. TK wanted Matt to be happy. He cared, which is why he didn't want Matt to dwell on this. Matt could move on from him. If Matt ignored it, ignored him, then he'd have less to deal with. Matt had enough to deal with. Whatever problem TK was having, he was sure was trivial in comparison. Is it? TK cringed. Now wasn't the time.
TK trusted his gut. He didn't care if it was wrong. This shouldn't be about him, it never should have been.
"This isn't your fault, please don't think that." He closed his eyes, taking an uneasy breath as the tension in the air refused to leave. Matt was quiet. TK didn't hear him move, or sigh, or anything. It was like he wasn't there.
Soon enough, Nancy came back. The air was still tense; she was silent too. That didn't matter to him. TK took another deep breath and shut his eyes. They didn't have to talk anymore now. They wouldn't talk anymore. He could be quiet again. He liked the quiet.