Title: Like Knives
Author: Nat
Summary: Because even now, he can't imagine life without her.
Takes place after "Before the Flood" (4x22)
--
He'd never, in all his life, wanted something to be true so badly. His hope and faith so long ago destroyed and buried.
But after 18 months of believing she was dead, all he wanted to believe was that she was alive. He'd never been so quick to believe something in his whole life, especially when it came to Irina Derevko.
When Dixon had told Sydney that Irina was being held prisoner by Elena, the overwhelming urge to go and find her had engulfed him. He needed her to be alive. Not just to eradicate his guilt, but simply to be around her once more.
(You laugh at yourself, because since her sudden reappearance in your life four years ago, nothing has been the same, but truthfully, you don't want it to be because you think that with her by your side, life could be… well it could be something much more.)
Maybe this is their second chance, their third or their fourth, but maybe this is it.
(You think maybe there's a reason she keeps dying and coming back to life).
---
It's been six months since he's seen Sydney. He refused to let her see him while he was imprisoned by his own country.
He looks at her now, and god, all he can see is her.
Every look she gives him has Laura etched into it.
He watches the way she tucks her hair behind her ear, and he remembers that Laura did exactly the same thing. But now he can't help but wonder whose mannerism that truly was – Laura? Or Irina?
---
A part of him liked to believe they were even now. She'd left him with her betrayal to torture him emotionally for 20 odd years. He'd thought he killed her but had left her to the physical torture of her sister for 18 months. They'd each endured pain because of the other. They were even now, he hoped.
But he knew he was wrong.
And he'd never understand why she forgave him with a secretive smile and a kiss which left him with the overwhelming need to tell her to stay, when they both knew she couldn't.
---
Laura's funeral is today.
He can't face it, he can't face them. All those faces looking on with pity and sympathy, they're all just painful reminders that Laura's dead, and she's not coming home.
Most of all he doesn't want to step foot in that church. He will not go in there and pray for God to take Laura into his open arms and welcome her. God has nothing to do with it.
Because if he did, Laura would be in bed with him right now, hovering above him, her hair falling down around them, like a curtain, her body marking comfort against the cold. God is not his saviour; God took her from him.
God made him a widower. Left his daughter motherless.
(And the part of him that believes in God and faith and hope, is buried with Laura that day).
---
Two days after the incident in Russia, he hears that Elena Derevko's body has gone missing from CIA custody.
He's not really surprised.
Because even though most don't know it, or see it, Irina Derevko loves her family, more than duty to her country, or herself, and after years of her telling him that she does everything in his and Sydney's best interests, he finally believes her.
Elena may have betrayed her, but she is still Irina's sister.
He checks the obituaries in all the Russian newspapers he can get his hands on for that entire week. A couple of days later he finds it, in code, of course. He doesn't sleep until he's deciphered it.
Elena Derevko
22/7/49 – 15/9/05
Beloved Sister
---
Blue and red lights filtered through the curtains.
Sydney bounced excitedly to the front window, squealing loudly about Christmas lights.
But Jack knew better.
Two police officers stood on the front step. ("I'm sorry there's been an accident.")
It rained all night long. Violent streaks of lightning cut through the darkness lying dead about the house.
She'd only been dead a matter of hours and yet already everything was fading to black and white.
---
He thinks that maybe he'll retire and disappear to some sandy island where it's summer all year round.
He'll drink ridiculously coloured drinks, with equally ridiculous umbrellas in them and take long walks down the beach where the waters are so blue and the sands are so white.
He thinks that maybe she'll join him, and they'll disappear together.
Because even now, he can't imagine life without her.
---
He loves seeing her like this.
Relaxed, uninhibited and yes, dressed in a skimpy black bikini.
It's their first holiday together, and he can't get enough of her. At this point he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. He's already brought her a ring, it's just about the timing now.
She smiles at him, her eyes shining bright. He thinks she knows that he's going to propose soon, but that doesn't worry him, because he knows she's going to say yes.
That night they watch the sun set from the beach, his arms wrapped around her from behind. As pink and purple spreads across the skyline, he whispers softly into her ear.
(Marry Me, Laura)
---
He never thought that he'd even feel this way about her again. He'd promised himself a long time ago that he never would. But he can't help but wonder if she's ok right now. Because he knows - god, he knows - that she'll have to come to terms with her sister's betrayal eventually, and even though Elena betrayed her, she'll have to come to terms with killing her too (a truth that he's all too familiar with).
So now he's sitting on his kitchen floor with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a picture of her that isn't her at all, making a toast in her honour and he counts the days until he sees her again.
fin