"I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way." - Robert Frost

Chapter 12 – Feros: The Thorian

Five seconds later, it all had gone FUBAR.

Effectively pinned down behind a block of concrete, I had plenty of time to mutter curse after curse as bullets flew left and right.

It wasn't the first, and certainly not the last time I condemned my bloody bouts of outright stupidity. But never before had 'not thinking something through' put me in such trouble.

I had let my guard down only for a few minutes, had made the mistake of starting to feel comfortable. And as if the Thorian had smelled it, it just had to use this glorious opportunity to screw us all.

I glanced to the side. Miller was ten meters away from me. His quick jump had brought him to one of the prefab-buildings, where he now crouched just out of the colonists sights. He returned my glance, and grimaced. His hand went up to his voice-comm.

"Eltee, this is Miller, do ya copy? The civs just went nuts and opened fire on us!"

"I know, on us too! Where are you? And where's Raven?"

"I'm with Miller!" I tried my best to shout over the gunfire. "We're on the north-east side, at objective six! At least seven of them have us surrounded!"

There was a lot of static on the line, and for a second I feared for the worst.

"We can't reach you, we got the other fifty or so on us -"

A bullet glanced off Millers cover. He threw himself on the ground.

"Fuck this! Eltee, your orders?"

"Do not return fire, do you copy? Do Not return fire! They look like they're mind-controlled or something."

"Understood!". Miller lowered his arms again and shouted at me.

"I got an idea! Raven, get over here!"

"And how?" I shouted back and leaned out of cover.

The seven colonists I had counted at first had become more than fifteen. They only had pistols and their aim was remarkably poor. The way they stood there, unsteadily and with clenched teeth made me guess that they were still fighting to keep control over their brains and bodies.

But it was only a matter of time until they would lose it entirely, come closer and massacre us. Even now, crossing the open area to reach the corporal through the constant hail of lead was near impossible.

Miller groaned. I thought at first that he had been hit, but…

"Come on, mate! Use ya flashs!"

I felt like banging my head against the concrete, but I saved that for later.

"Flash out!"

I made a run for it, stumbled and came to a halt next to Miller. The moment I pushed myself from the ground, I heard the 'zombies' collectively releasing an inhuman scream that chilled me to the bone. So much anger... so much hate…

Miller shook me out of it. He pointed at the door. "Get in! Move!"

I jumped inside, Miller followed and slammed the door shut with a loud bang, just as the first civs came in sight. Bullets ricocheted off the massive steel, but that had been designed to keep out even the worst of what colonists could encounter.

My squadmate acted as swiftly as I had never see him move before. He fired up his omnitool and moved it along the frame, causing sparks to flare up from the heated metal. Before I had realized what he had done, Miller had welded the front door shut.

"Raven, check if there are other entrances!"

I obeyed, but fortunately found nothing. The two windows inside the two rooms of these spartanic-looking colonist home were made from the same super-hardened glass that's also used for space station and spaceships. There was no way our our former allies were able to crack them with their guns.

Miller appeared at my side, and sighed in relief. "Okay. They won't get in here. Pray they don't remember that they got fucking omniblades."

I took that as permission to collapse. I sat down on one of the beds, unfastened my helmet and placed my face in my hands. Even the filtered air my mask made me breath tasted stale. I looked up when I heard first the comm-lines signature beep in my ear, then Millers voice both live and on radio.

"Squad Leader, this is Miller speaking. We've holed up in one of the houses and shut the entrance. We're good for the time being." He breathed. "What now?"

"Alenko speaking. Status update: There's no chance we can reach you and Raven, we're being overwhelmed here. Shepard ordered us to fall back to the NORMANDY. She's saying that the Colonists are indeed under some sort of mind control, but she's got a plan."

"Of course." he mumbled to me. I shrugged, but listened up again.

"Raven, call Shepard – you and Miller are with her now. We're defending the ship, the colonists are clawing at the airlock already."

I tiredly rose my hand to activate my own comm. "Raven here. Understood, and on it. Good luck."

"You guys too. Alenko, out."

I switched off my radio and looked up. Miller stood before me, a deep frown in his face. "Did I hear that right? They're 'clawing at the NORMANDY's airlock?'"

Before I could reply, we heard something banging repeatedly against the door, followed by a low scratching sound. My heart sank, and Millers frown turned into disbelief. I rose my pistol, but Miller gestured me to calm down and walked over to to look out the window.

"Three of them. Alenko was right – they're literally trying to claw their way in." He paused, turned around and leaned his back against the glass.

"You alright, mate?"

I merely looked him in the eyes. That was more than a telling sign.

"Any idea what's going on?", I asked.

He shrugged. "To quote ol' Anderson: This mission just got a lot more complicated."

I laughed bitterly.

I needed two minutes to catch my breath.

"What do we do now?" It was a serious question, but the second I spoke it out aloud the answer seemed pretty obvious.

"Use ya radio and ask the Commander." My comrade sat down in tailor fashion and leaned back against the wall. "Until we hear from her, I'll wind down."

Miller took off his helmet, closed his eyes and for all intents and purposes looked like he was enjoying a sunbath. I didn't know whether to laugh or scream hysterically, but Shepard's voice made the decision for me.

"Raven, Miller, do you copy? What's your status?"

Remembering my duty, I answered her call. "Raven speaking. We're dug in in one of the prefab-houses and are awaiting your orders."

"Can you move?"

I glanced a Miller. He shook his head.

"Negative. We're surrounded. The only way to move out of here would be to shoot our way through -"

"Negative, negative!" Shepard interrupted me urgently. "They're not rebelling for their own sake! Something is controlling them, and we've just got the tools to reverse that."

I heard shots being fired on her end. My lips pressed tightly together, I looked to the Corporal.

That lunatic Englishman, as if he had all the time in the world, searched his suits pouches, found a cigarette and lit it up.

I stared, but the sound of a Mako cannon startled me.

"Shepard? Commander, what's happening?"

"No time to talk right now! We're on our way to your position, but we're facing heavy resistance! ETA twenty minutes, hang tight!"

"I understood, Shepard! Raven, out."

I ended the call, then turned my incredulous gaze to my smoking squadmate. He took another drag, exhaled, returned the glance and grinned. "What's up, Raven? You ain't looking happy."

I breathed in and out. This entire situation had me bordering on hysteria.

"I thought I knew already that you're out of your mind. Had I know that you're so batshit crazy, I'd asked for someone else."

"I'll have ya know," he lectured me, seemingly unfazed and pausing briefly to take another drag, "that the art of 'procrastination' is of vital importance to the human race."

The colonists still hadn't given up trying to somehow breach the door, but the constant banging slowly lost its scare.

"Since we can't do anything anyway, I may as well enjoy the break. This ain't my first time in that kinda trouble." Miller shrugged. "Few guys attempting to get on my nerves. So why make this bigger than it is?"

I used my most sarcastic tone. "So, the civilians you're ordered to protect, suddenly turning on ya, no biggie. That's what you're telling me, right?"

"Naaah." He took one last drag and flicked the cig into the closest sink. Three points. "I'll admit, the whole 'zombie' thing is a new. But back when I was with the regiment, having to fortify a location was what we'd trained for days." He chuckled once and dryly. "Heh... 'course, most of the time we broke defenses rather than building them, but still."

Despite myself and instead of doing what was the only logical thing – namely, preparing for the now inevitable encounter with the Thorian – I was interested to learning more about this.

Jeffrey H. Miller was, his usual antics aside, a rather calm person. He could joke and annoy his fellow marines to no end, but that aside, he never shared personal stories.

That wasn't unusual. Most of the marines were rather non-talkative, except for the two youngest PSCs, who had barely completed their bootcamps when they had been assigned to the NORMANDY. They were even younger than me, at eighteen and nineteen years. I would never figure out why they had been chosen to participate in our hunt for Saren. Then again, I wasn't exactly in a position to voice criticism.

The others had served at least five years each, taken part in multiple operations and deployments and appreciated the advantages of not getting too involved in their comrades personal matters. That incident involving Danners and one of the PSCs had proven them right.

But Miller was an interesting character in his own right, and despite my own reasons to not get involved too deeply with his private life, I was... curious. Intrigued.

It only took an inquisitive look, an unasked question. Miller returned my gaze, then shrugged.

"Ah, why not. It ain't a secret. Yeah, Raven, before I joined the AMC, I've already been a soldier for eight years. First with the Royal Marines, then they recruited me int'a the SAS. Ya know what that is?"

I couldn't believe my ears. "Wait. That famous British spec-ops unit, right?"

"Damn right!" he exclaimed proudly. "The Special Air Service. The Regiment. The Flying Daggers. I was with one of their urban CTU-squads. Y'know, fighting organized crime in London, later in Manchester." He grinned. "Officially, we were a police special unit, but whenever the regular cops couldn't handle the heat - an' that was quite often," Miller snorted, "We were sent in to clean up. And goddamnit, we were good. I even made it to Sergeant, believe it or not."

I had read about how in this time, the dark areas of Earth's bigger cities had often turned into breeding grounds for very violent crimes and war between different cartels, gangs and other groups. Still, it unsettled me that the British government had decided to permanently assign their best men to fight in this volatile environment. And Miller was one of them? How-?

Of all sudden, Miller turned dead serious. "But you know what? If you're always stuck in these cesspools - it fucks your mind."

I nodded, intimidated. I didn't understand, but my assumed background forced me to respond in such a way. I was supposed to know about it.

"Let's just say that they demoted me, and gave me two options - leave on my own, or be DD'd*. I did the first. Good choice. I spent the next four years as a civvie, got clean and married my wife."

I remained quiet. The way he spoke was outright disturbing, and the many allusions he made sparked up many more questions. I didn't dare to ask any further, though, and was ready to leave it at that.

But then, he relaxed and grinned the way I knew him.

"But well, I'm a soldier, mate. So when everything had settled, I requested reinstatement, but they didn't need me anymore - the Alliance took me instead. And well, Anderson and I knew each other from some Spec-Ops-contests – and the drinkin' contests that followed." He laughed, to which I grinned. "He always brought me along on the ships he was stationed on. I've served under his command for the last eight years, and well, now we're here – fightin' a SPECTRE with our own SPECTRE."

I now knew more than I did before, and still I felt like I had learned nothing. I was thoroughly impressed by this man, just as much as I was puzzled. Why had they granted him a reinstatement, when he had been almost dishonorably discharged before? What had been the reason for him to return to a spaceship-deployment, when surely he could have stayed planetside, with his family?

It took some seconds for me to reply. Which I did by grinning in what I hoped was a friendly grin, with a tad of irony. "And here I thought that you were aboard 'cause you're the only one able to match Joker's deadpan snarking word by word."

He chuckled. "Nah mate, there's no chance in hell I'd be able to do that. I'm here 'cause Anderson asked me to. And, between you and me," he grinned the rated-R-for-arsehole grin that he was infamous for and pulled two small white, familiar looking cylinders from a hidden pocket, "'cause it's way too much fun muggin' ya all off, Skyllian-style."

I sighed in mocked defeat, but took the offered cigarette with a nod. "Shepard's here in roughly ten minutes. Let's smoke these, then we should get ready."

The other madman in the house nodded in agreement. I could continue to wonder about him later. For now, there was a mission to be completed. And a plant to burn down.

Nervous as I was, I expected something to happen. I was not disappointed.

Five minutes had passed, our cigarettes had burned down and we had moved on to check our equipment. Unrest filled me, and the prospect of fighting Shiala's clones was outright dreadful.

But then, we heard a deep rumble. Miller looked up. "That sounds like construction equipment, you know, these heavy lifters." I nodded, couldn't say anything however. Quietly at first, but steadily increasing in numbers and volume, I could hear voices in the distance. Voices that sounded deep, gurgling and... slimy, somehow. They creeped me the hell out.

Miller was on his feet in an instant, pistol drawn and the door firmly in his sights. When it didn't move, he gestured me to stay low and approached the window. He let his gaze wander around... then froze.

"Raven," he whispered. "What the hell are those?"

I stood up to move to his side. My gaze followed his outstretched finger. Subsequently, the temperature in the room seemed to drop below zero.

Corpses. Or so they appeared; blanched, bloated, void of any features that could mark them as individuals. Caricatures, a travesty barely resembling anything human.

They had been quite ugly in the game, I have to say. But having them shamble by only a few meters away was a disgusting and repulsive nightmare.

I swallowed. Following Miller's nod, I activated my com. As I spoke, he continued to look out of the window, his lips pressed together and forming thin white lines.

"Commander, Raven here. Watch out. Something's going on out there. We've heard some strange noises, now there are some pale... zombies walking around outside – they don't look too friendly." A thought flashed through my mind. "Remember the Cerberus labs on Binthu? I think we've seen a few of them there -"

"We've seen them, and you're right." Shepard sounded exhausted. "They've been laying in wait, attacked in a group of twenty or more, and to make things worse they've been mixing in with the colonists. The Thorian's clever, I'll give it that."

I almost missed my cue, but lucky for me, Miller did it for me.

"The what?"

"Later! We're only half a click from your current position – get ready! And remember: Don't shoot the colonists! We've got some sort of a sleeping gas here, that'll help, or just knock 'em out. These... Creepers... they're fair game."

"Okay, we'll be ready and waiting for you! Red out."

We exchanged nods, then, in a matter of twenty seconds prepared for war. Already I could hear pistols firing, but also assault rifles and shotguns. The infected and creepers who had held us besieged turned towards the source of this sounds and went in motion.

Another five minutes passed, and the gunfire became louder and closer. My teammate grew more and more restless. Finally, he shook his head and snorted.

"I'm tired of this. We must help Shepard. Raven, stand back."

I did just that. Miller walked to the door, activated his omnitool and drew a line of some greyish paste right where he had sealed the door before.

"Thermite paste.", he explained, then took a few step back as well and pressed one key. The substance caught fire within a second and grew hotter and hotter.

Miller readied up his rifle. I followed suit, and side by side we took aim.

" 'kay, mate.", he said, tone now carrying authority. "They should be split up now. Kill the zombies. Leave the civies to me. As Shepard said - a rifle butt to the head should do the trick."

I nodded tersely, banishing any doubt about our own safety to the back of my head. The Corporal knew what he was doing. Hopefully.

Then, with a metallic creak, the heavy door leaf crushed to the ground – exposing a Creeper and a colonist who seemed both utterly surprised and in pain.

I pulled the trigger immediately, then for a second time. The heavy Mattock round tore an arm off – the second bullet caused the Creeper to explode. I almost vomited. Imagine blowing up a rotting corpse with a frag grenade... Real life was indeed far more graphic than a game. Thanks to my breather mask, I was at least spared the smell. Greenish guts and gore flew everywhere, leaving a hissing sound where they landed.

Meanwhile, Miller had closed the four meters of distance and straight up domed the colonist, who didn't even had a chance to fight back. The velvet gloves were definitely off. I'm pretty sure that I saw a tooth flying. When the area was confirmed clear, the Corporal kneeled next to his opponent and examined him.

"Alive, but unconscious. The Commander was right." He looked up. "Let's hurry. Tell her we're oscar mike* and drawing some heat from her."

I nodded, radioed Shep and didn't forget to also warn her of the Creeper acid.

"Okay. Do what you can, but stay alive. See ya in a few."

Beeline, we had only three hundred meters to cross. It may as well have been three kilometers, though. Fortunately, we only had to take down three more colonists. It was difficult enough to avoid 'friendly' fire, with the mindless zombies constantly rushing us. I lost count of my tally after fifteen, gradually got used to innards splattering around me, and then even Miller had enough and switched his rife for his shotgun.

"Those freaks just dunno when to quit!" he hissed between clenched teeth.

For the first time, I actually wished I had carried one as well. Loads of melee-suicide-bombers rushing me was exactly what I feared – my Mattock's rate of fire was too low to really thin the crowd, and my light armor enabled me to run away, but would not withstand a full acid blast. Thankfully, my comrade showed once more what he was capable of – between punching colonists and blasting Zombies, he always made sure that no creeper came closer to me than maybe ten meters.

It felt like an hour, but in reality it took us only three minutes to reach Zhu's Hope's 'main street'. The fire from Shepard's direction had ceased. Just as we were about to reach the rendezvous point, I heard a noise I had been waiting for. Sure enough, the BOREALIS' middle section was lifted up. I looked around the corner, saw Wrex' red figure and was about to shout a greeting, when...

... A middle aged man walked, or rather, tumbled twenty meters in front of me, straight towards Shepard. Fai Dan.

"I tried. To fight it." He groaned. "But. It gets in your... head."

I gulped.

I had to make a decision, and I made it almost subconsciously. Thinking back now… it was actually strange.

It felt… how to explain this? Like having to flick a light switch when entering a dark room. Absolutely normal, and a logical thing to do - that you don't even think about.

I raised my right hand and clenched it to a fist – a signal to stop. Miller's footsteps ceased. No doubt that he held his rifle trained at the colony's leader. Now my heart rate started to climb. I don't actually felt it, I felt just as calm as ever - but the medical log later showed a sudden increase by 40 beats a minute.

"You... can't imagine. The pain." Dan's left arm hung from his side, his other arm shivered violently. His pistol was still in his holster.

Most of my mind calculated cooly, subconsciously. I had to try. There was no other option. I was too far away to run and tackle him.

Shepard saw me over her pistol's iron sights. The guys behind her, visible to me only as blurred shadows, didn't move either.

"I was supposed... to be a leader. These people... trusted me!"

Silently, I dropped on a knee into a crouching position, brought my rifle up and trained the sights on a point an inch or so to next to his right ear. The same second, Dan lost control over his right hand. Against his will, it pulled the sidearm out and trained it on our Commander.

Her eyes widened, but neither did she lower her gun nor did she make any other move. Did she realize what I was up to?

"It wants me to stop you... But... I... Won't!"

Dan's voice grew strained, heavy with defiance and hurt.

I suddenly felt like I was in another world. All movement seemed to slow, almost to a standstill. Through red and glowing shades, I saw my target. I noticed how my breath and heartbeat had stopped. I tasted metal.

I have had such moments before. But never this intense. And yet, nothing felt off. It was normal.

"I... Won't!"

As Fai Dan screamed what was supposed to be his final words, as he abruptly lifted his pistol to end his suffering...

My right hand's index finger moved ever so slightly.

There was no gentle transition. The next thing I knew was that I was on the ground, had a bit of a headache and felt thirsty.

I licked my lips; now I could identify what that metallic taste had been. It was actually simple. Blood. My own, no doubt. What irritated me, was that it came from my upper lip… was I bleeding from my nose?

I quickly sat up, startling the three that kneeled next to me and that I only noticed now.

"Woah! Easy, Raven!" Ashley sounded outright shocked. She quickly pressed her gloved palm on my chest and kept me from righting myself too fast. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." I answered, actually surprised at that question. Only then I realized that they had their medical field equipment pointed and otherwise aimed in my direction. "Just a bit thirsty."

"Here you are. Slowly." Garrus placed a full bottle in my hands; Remembering the routines, I took only three small gulps, but immediately felt better.

I looked around. Aside from Garrus and Williams, Liara was close to me; Tali and Wrex seemed to secure the staircase leading to the Thorian and Shepard and Miller kneeled next to a collapsed human.

"What is with Fai Dan? Is he okay?"

"Unconscious and injured." Ash's gaze wandered to him, then back to me. Her expression was masked. "But still alive."

"So that..." I took a deep breath, then grinned. "Actually worked?" A rush of euphoria and adrenaline flooded my system and suppressed all lingering discomfort. I felt... good.

Ashley looked unsure as if she wanted to kiss or kill me. Garrus' features were impossible to read, and Liara shot me an incredulous look, supplementing it - inadvertently - with a dropped jaw. "You... you planned that? All of that?"

I blame my condition at that time, but groaning internally I wished for the 'old', by far less naive Liara of the later parts.

Garrus chuckled. Dryly. "It certainly didn't look like that. I thought I'd get a heart attack when I realized what you were doing."

Ashley still didn't look convinced that I was really as okay as I appeared to be, but since I at least looked healthy, even the always professional Gunnery Chief couldn't help but to blurt out. "How did you know that Fai Dan would do that...?"

Her tone startled me out of my joyous feelings and made me shiver instead. That was the voice of someone who demanded an answer. The last time I had heard something similar from her had been Horizon.

I needed to come up with an explanation. And I needed it quickly.

I breathed deeply, buying me some extra few seconds. "A... hunch."

"What kind of hunch?"

I grew nervous. I opened my mouth, but it felt like someone else was speaking. "He didn't aim at the Commander. He fought back. And when he spoke about how he 'was supposed to be their leader', it just... clicked." I attempted a meek smile. "But I only knew it for sure when he started shouting." My smile fainted immediately. Ash had her lips pressed together tightly, continuing to glance at me with eyes that conveyed anger, relief and disbelief at the same time.

But nothing happened. She turned and looked to the place where Shepard and Miller were now feverently working on the fallen colonist. "You hit his pistol when he was about to pull the trigger." she said, demeanor and voice strictly professional. "The pistol was fired, but it got jerked away. The bullet fractured his frontal bone instead of the brainstem. The Commander is currently trying to save his life."

She turned towards me. Even though she was, as always, wearing subtle makeup, I could clearly see the dark rings underneath her eyes. "Then you just collapsed. Your vital signs went all over the place, your blood pressure went through the roof - including nose bleed and everything. Shepard had to give you one shot of sedative, and another two against circulatory problems." She stated this as if she was ticking off a checklist. Completely flat.

"And now, you're just…" she trailed off. Still avoiding my glance, she took a look at her omnitool and shook her head with vigor. "Fucking hell, Raven, we thought you'd had a brain hemorrhage or something! And now, everything looks as if nothing ever happened!"

"I…" My face must've been completely white. It should be obvious, but that news was… unsettling.

And still… I felt alright. I had no feels or signs of any injury. Exactly the contrary - I felt energized, as if I had just woken up from a long and very relaxing slumber. Ready to take on everyone who stood in our way.

"But... I feel fine. I'm okay!"

"Do you?" Ashley looked me over again. "Shit. You really do."

"Raven, Chakwas here. Can you hear me?"

That was unusual. Chakwas was monitoring us during missions and, for that purpose, was always tapped into our communications – but she usually never talked to us. From the way my squadmates changed their postures, they were as surprised than I was.

"Loud and clear. What happened?"

"Essentially, what Williams just told you. This is most strange." That didn't help to raise my spirits. "I do have a theory, but I need you in the medbay to confirm it. Your sensor feed suggests that you're okay for the time being. You're clear to stay ashore, but I strongly recommend that you don't use your adrenaline rush and hang back. Let the others take point, and avoid all direct fire. Understood?"

"I copy. So 'do what you do usually, but be extra careful.' Is that what you're saying, Ma'am?"

"Precisely. Chakwas, out."

I lowered my hand and matched Ashley's irritated look. The fact that she didn't react at the slightest to my sarcastic-joking-disrespectful comment made everything sound much worse.

I had enough and gave myself a push. Ash noticed in time what was up to, grabbed my hand and helped me back on my feet. Even as I stood, I felt nothing pointing towards any weakness. I just stood, just as steady as I would have under different circumstances.

I remembered my manners just in time to give her a warm, and what I hoped was a reassuring smile. She didn't quite reciprocated it, but at least her lips turned upwards and she seemed a little more convinced about my well-being.

Note to self: Apologize properly when you're back on the ship.

Garrus stood by my side, half-expecting me to fall over. When I didn't, he merely shook his head and made his way to Tali and Wrex. Liara, on the other hand was not that easy to get rid off. Phrasing it like this sounds unfair, admittedly, she didn't grind on my nerves or anything. But from my perspective, she was worrying too much.

Then again… having someone who was supposedly near death casually walking around a moment later probably has that effect on people. I wouldn't know...

Pausing to take a closer look at the squad, I noticed that pretty much everyone looked banged up. Some of them had the obvious marks of omnigel and medigel usage on them, some others, like Garrus, had not been too successful in wiping away some stains of blood and grime.

But nobody seemed to have taken any hits that would've knocked them out. And injuries were guaranteed any time we stepped on a battlefield. On average, only two of us came out of a mission entirely unharmed, so while it was unsettling to see that every single one of us had taken damage, it was sadly what was to be expected. The only actually unnerving thing was that usually, my squadmates and Shepard were far better in hiding it…

Since nobody had given me anything to do, and Shepard still seemed occupied with Fai Dan, I drew my rifle and joined Tali and Wrex. Some strange noises, almost too quiet to pick up, came from the Thorian's lair and sent a shiver down my spine. I pulled my pistol, just in case.

"So…" I drawled, attempting a bored tone, "How's your day been so far?"

Tali spun around and fixed her eyes on me, but didn't say anything.

Wrex grunted and kept his crimson lizard eyes pinned on the staircase. His headplate sported a new scar. "More interesting than standing around in the cargobay. And it's about to get even more interesting. Wrex happy."

I laughed and shook my head. "Okay. Tali? What've you guys been doing while I was stuck here?"

The Quarian Machinist merely stared at me for a few more seconds before she seemed to have found the right words. "I wished I had stayed in the colony, too." She proceeded to give me an abridged version. When she finished a minute later, I crunched my teeth in pretended frustration and real anger.

"So ExoGeni fucked up the colony, and the reason why we had to wait for so long to come here, was that they wanted to buy time and hoped for the Geth to destroy all evidence. Bloody awesome! What about that Jeong fella?"

"Shepard is holding him in custody. Right now, he's stowed in the Mako we've borrowed."

"Seriously?!" Doesn't he either get convinced or killed?

"Yeah." Wrex took over. "Was quite bitchy at first, said we would all get in trouble with ExoGeni lawyers." He chuckled. "Then Garrus punched him straight in the face. Your humans noses are just as fragile as they look. That egghead shut up immediately. I think I'm starting to like that turian."

"Weeell..." I used the hand that didn't held my rifle to scratch behind my ear, "Whatever works, I guess?" I could imagine how that must have looked like. Still, yet another outcome differing from the game, and a more ruthless Garus than what I had expected.

But for now, other things were more pressing. "So now, we've got to kill a pla..." I stopped, noticing in shock that I had almost made a mistake, "... got to figure out just what that Thorian is, that creature that has infested the colony and controls their brains." I summed it up and theatrically shook my head. "Remind me, why exactly was I so eager to sign up?"

I prayed that I had not said enough of the word 'plant' for their translators to pick up.

"You're asking this roughly two times whenever we're on a mission." Wrex' deadpanned. "It starts to get boring."

I grinned. Whatever affected me, made me just a little bit careless. And it looked like I was off the hook. "Says the man usually casually standing at some crates and watching the others work. Isn't that a bit more boring?"

"No. Watching others work, is relaxing."

Our banter was cut short by the sound of people coming closer and a shout.

"There you are!"

We turned around and saw the others approaching our position. Shepard approached me faster than anyone else, only stopped when her face was barely ten inches away from mine. She quickly grabbed my pauldron with her left hand – the right held her shotgun – and squeezed it that I could feel it even through armor. Shepard used the two inches that she was taller to look down on me. Her face, not covered by any helmet, conveyed no emotion.

"Just for the record." she spoke, in a calm manner that I was not expecting. "Another stunt like that, and I'll leave you behind on the ship, the next time around. Is that understood?"

"Y-Yes, Commander." I stuttered. Simultaneously, my face heated up and I felt as if the ground had become shaky.

She remained still for a few seconds, her green eyes burning holes into me. Then the ghost of a smile played on her lips, and her grip on my shoulder weakened.

"That being said, good shot. Dan will likely survive."

I looked to him. He was still on the ground, but now a medical mask and a thick layer of medigel covered his face.

"The bullet grazed his skull, but didn't penetrate it. He's unconscious, but Chakwas has her eyes on him. Bravo team will transfer him to our ship in a few." She removed her hand and instead brought her shotgun up. "I'd much rather stay here, but we need to move as quickly as possible."

Her smile vanished. "The Doc has told me your status. If I had a choice, I'd send you back, but I'll need every shooter I can get, and we're out of time. Stand behind us, and save your lead for when you have a clear view. Understood?"

"Yeah, yes Shepard. Thank you."

She nodded. "We'll talk about it later. Get your hood on." Addressing everyone, she raised her voice. "You know your positions! Let's go!"

I removed my breather mask, grabbed the Recon Hood from my rig, pulled it over my eyes and fastened the seals. Looking up again, I found myself at the rear, Garrus to the left and – surprisingly – Miller to my right. His expression, clearly visible under his helmet, was one of tiredly amusement with signs of wear and tear.

"I dunno if I should punch ya, hug ya, or give ya an earful. Looks like Shepard got that last one covered already."

"Yeah... Sorry."

"Ah, it sorta worked. We thought you'd be a goner, though. The Commander was not happy, I'll tell you."

I didn't answer, and fortunately, my face couldn't give anything away. I had a myriad of thoughts cruising around my brain, too many to put something together, and too fleeting to catch any one of them.

Frustrated, I shook my head and readied up my rifle. I could deal with all those questions one after another – and when we were done here. I followed the others.

"All right, we just need to find this creature and determine what it... what it..."

The way Tali's voice started out determined and trailed off to become confused may have been cute, under different circumstances. But seeing the Thorian for the first time shut up everyone.

"Kee'lah, what is this thing?"

I wasn't surprised as much as disgusted by all the slobber dripping from that plant's 'mouth'.

Even Shepard sounded... impressed. "We're gonna need bigger guns."

"I doubt that my fire could even char it..." I said, quietly, to which Garrus slowly nodded.

My disgust only grew stronger when the monstrosity spew out the first asari clone. Unsurprisingly, the green imitation did not wear any clothes. Real life doesn't need to conceal anything...

"Intruders!" she exclaimed loudly. "Your every step is a transgression. A thousand feelers appraise you as meat, good only to dig or decompose..."

Suffice to say that it all went to hell within two minutes.

The battle that followed has been described meticulously by other sources. As such, I don't need to and frankly, don't want to retell it all. Especially since my own contribution to it can only be described as 'minor'.

I fired a total of fifteen rounds and used one fire grenade to slow down one wave of creepers, killing seven of them in total and dealt damage to two clones. Considering we fought a total of at least eighty Creepers, not all that important. Another grenade proved my earlier assessment to be correct – if anything, being set ablaze only made the Thorian order his minions to attack even more aggressively, and the fire died down soon after without major effect.

Even now I shudder when I remember the whole affair. It easily ranks in my personal top five for 'most nauseating battles'. Let me just say that it was a messy, and bloody affair – if you can call the Creeper innards and acid 'blood'. Had I not been somewhat experienced by now, and not wearing a mask that spared me the smell; I guarantee you, I had thrown up. A lot.

But finally, the last node keeping the Thorian alive collapsed, as did the monstrosity itself – it fell into the pit.

A pod on the wall burst open, an asari emerged. An actual blue asari, clothed in in brown commando leathers. Shiala slowly swayed to her feet and looked utterly astonished.

"I'm... free!" she exclaimed, no doubt confused at the eight heavily armed people in front of her. Her speech was still sluggish. "I... I s'pose I should... thank you for releasing me."

The euphoria and energy that had fueled me was depleted by now. The tiredness and queasiness that followed kept me from listening too attentive, but as far as I could tell, Shepard took all of the paragon-options. Shiala mentioned how Beneziah had allied herself with Saren to guide him down a gentler path, and how this had failed dramatically – thanks to Saren's ship. The SOVEREIGN.

I perked up when Shiala and Shepard linked minds to transfer the Cipher.

"Try to relax, Commander. Slow, deep breaths. Let go of your physical shell. Reach out to grasp the threads that bind us, one to another. Every action sends ripples across the galaxy. Every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another's spirit. We are all connected. Every living being united in a single, glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe, Commander. And Embrace Eternity! "

As Shialas eyes turned black, Shepard began to shiver. I remembered the cutscene, this nightmare of black and red.

Feeling worried, I took a look at my omnitool. Miller and Ashley shot me glances.

"Heartbeats quickening. Brain activity off the charts." I murmured, only for them to hear. "Something is happening."

Thirty seconds later, to my teammates' relief, Shepards posture relaxed again. She slowly looked up, meeting Shialas anxious gaze. Our questions regarding her experience were blocked off with very vague responses, to which the asari said that our commander's mind would need time to sort it all out.

And finally... Shepard spared Shiala's life.

Pressley soon notified us that two Alliance frigates had entered the system and would arrive within eight hours to render assistance and reinforce what was left of the colony.

In Zhu's Hope, where the lucky survivors had finally woken up, a lot of work was waiting for them, the ExoGeni employees and all personnel the NORMANDY could spare. The sensor grid had to be rebuilt ASAP, quarters had to be prepared, a lot of injuries needed treatment. And some unlucky fellas had to check the registers, see who was still alive and start to look for everyone missing. No doubt that their news would rarely be good - of 300 humans that had once lived here, only around sixty had been found alive so far…

I was not directly involved into any of it, however. My first destination when we came back, was the NORMANDY and her medbay.

There I lay on my back for an hour or so, had a couple of sensors attached to my vitals and a scanner thoroughly examining me - not quite unlike a MRI tomography, only without the BS surrounding it. Now that all data had been collected, Chakwas was sitting at her console and tried to make sense of it all, while I rested.

On the cot to my right was Fai Dan. He was still unconscious, and since he had fought off the Thorian's influence for the longest time – not even counting his injury – he would take a long time to wake up from it. The Doc had done her best, though, and the incoming Alliance ships would take over soon. I glanced over and allowed myself the tiniest bit of complacency.

I was tired and felt worn out, and would've surely fallen asleep had the hospital setting not brought up my usual feelings of discomfort.

My slow and idle thinking was interrupted rather rudely by the medbay door opening. I moved my head to the side and saw how Shepard, still in her armor, approached me.

All sleepiness dropped off me. Not without difficulty, I rose to a seating position and awaited her.

"Commander." greeted Chakwas, only briefly looking up to return Shepard's nod.

She didn't say anything until she stood next to me. But before Shepard could open her mouth, I spoke up and made sure that my voice was firm.

"Commander, I want to apologize for disregarding your orders – again." I said, meeting her gaze. "I wanted to save that man's life, but... I don't know what happened there. I just... it just happened. Still, I should've waited for your sign or something instead of endangering myself – and accidently injuring him. Sorry."

She watched me for a moment. Then, to my relief, she smiled.

"Apology noted, and deemed unnecessary. There's nothing you need to apologize for. I've grown used to your behaviour, and know that you had only the best in mind. As long as it stays that way, I won't reprimand you, nor will I put it down on your record." She seated herself on the unoccupied cot to my left.

"As you know, independent thinking is of of the most important traits that I am looking for in my squad members. And while I do wish that you'd stick to the plan a bit more, I still think you're helping more than you're doing harm. My comment regarding your potential... grounding...", she put a joking emphasis on that word, "Don't take it too serious. I'm just glad that you're not as badly injured as I thought. I knew something was off, when you took aim and I saw how bloodshot your eyes were. Then, when you passed out..." she stopped and shook her head. "I was hoping that our good doctor could tell me already what is wrong with you. If your health is unreliable, I'm afraid I can't deploy you anymore."

I gulped, and cold sweat showed on my forehead.

"I think I can dissuade your concerns, Commander." Chakwas spoke up and rose from her seat. She looked serious, but not overly worried. "Your arrival was timed well. But before I begin... Raven, have you ever had such an incident before? Or anything resembling it."

I denied that. "At least, not that intensely." I shifted uncomfortably. "Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a fight, and I'm trying to focus on my target I feel like... like my vision goes blurry, or I feel like I'm shaking, but my hands are completely still." I paused, my gaze shifting uncomfortably between the two women. "But I never thought it worth mentioning, it only lasts for a millisecond or so, and I thought I'd only be... seeing things. Due to stress or something."

Our doctor nodded. "That fits my observations." She handed identical datapads to both me and Shepard. "Take a look."

The datapad showed a generic human silhouette. Multiple points were highlighted - doing the quick math, I noticed that they showed all the gen-mods that had been implemented into my body.

"Explaining it in all detail would take too long, and would only serve to confuse you. I will try to break it down as much as I can, but it will require a fair share of explanation."

"Much appreciated." Shepard commented dryly, but kept her eyes on the pad. Chakwas ignored her, and instead pointed her finger at the display. Two objects had been highlighted.

"As you know, your body had difficulties to adapt to the implants you received when you joined – particularly these two here, the reflex-boost and the modification to your lungs. Originally, I thought that those were merely normal immune responses. But the problem lies elsewhere. Your brain is structured differently than those of most humans. The reason behind this, that as far as I can tell, neither you nor your parents have ever been exposed to Element Zero." My confusion was palpable.

"Ever since humanity has discovered the Mass Effect, more than thirty-five years ago, Earth's atmosphere has suffered Eezo pollution.", Chakwas explained. "Early engine tests often lead to major Eezo leaks, and the infamous accident in Singapore in '51, and many others like it, have done their part as well."

If I recalled correctly, that had been the same accident that had cause Kaidan Alenko to become a biotic, as his mother had been exposed to Eezo-dust.

"A few years ago, it was discovered that this, albeit very small, amount of Eezo caused not only the development of biotic potential on direct in-utero exposition, but in fact affected every human baby – only very slightly, mind you, a few atoms that caused their brains to develop slightly altering patterns to what humans that were born before showed."

"But how is this linked to my… fits?" I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

"You, or your mother were never exposed to Eezo before you were born." Shepard looked up from the pad - her brows raised in surprise. "That much is certain."

"No comment." I answered with a steady voice.

"Fair enough." Shepard said and nodded. "But that means that some of the gene-mods that you've been given are not adjusted to you. Even though our research on genetic enhancements has made large progress since the end of World War 3, it's still… fickle. Trust me, I've seen a lot of soldiers who had problems with their so-called 'standard mods'."

She paused and checked if I could keep up. As I nodded slowly, she continued.

"Your reflex-booster is, so to say, tailored for a different kind of brain, as is your lung-enhancer. Those organs that are particularly susceptible to Eezo-buildups. And if I read this correctly..." she paused, and gave Chakwas an incredulous look. "Are you sure? This is the first time I've ever heard of something like that."

"I am. Raven, the incorrect adjustment of your implants in itself would not cause you problems. However, I have found a substance in your bloodstream that has seemingly amplified the entire effect." Now was Chakwas' turn to face me. "This may sound strange, but I assume you have smoked one of Corporal Miller's cigarettes recently?"

I nodded in astonishment, to which Chakwas sighed. "His cigarettes are made from a type of tobacco that is grown on Amaterasu, a small colony at the edge of Alliance space. I will spare you the details, but this brand of tobacco is known to contain a few chemical compounds that have a largely unresearched effect on the human body, and are generally banned from interstellar trade."

"Wait wait wait." I interrupted her quickly and with no small amounts of disbelief. "Are you saying that a cigarette has triggered all of this?"

"Partially, yes," Shepard said, who had now finished reading and placed the datapad next to her. "But if I understood you correctly, Doc, then stressful reactions like Fai Dan's almost-suicide cause Raven's reflex-booster to produce too much endorphin." When said physician nodded, she continued: "This time, one of the smokes' components triggered a chain reaction that overclocked that process, which in return caused a hallucination-like state. And that has enabled him to line up that shot, but also caused a lot of side effects, like an increased heart rate and problems with his blood pressure - hence the nosebleed."

"This is simplified a lot, but an acceptable summary." Chakwas responded and lightly bowed her head to our commander, who bit her lower lip in thought.

"Ehm, I'm sorry for interrupting you," I said, feeling oddly ignored, "But as the one who's concerned the most… is there a way to stop that from happening again?" I shifted uneasily and cracked an sarcastic, yet insecure smile. "I know that smoking can kill, but I'd like for it to not happen on the battlefield…"

"Unfortunately, removing your gen-mods to replace them would not be easy." Chakwas said with a tad of sympathy. "They have fully connected to your neural system now, and a full removal would require a long and difficult surgery. It could take months for you to fully recover. "

"That's absolutely not an option." I interrupted her, eyes wide open.

"I thought so. Your other option, which would significantly lower your risks, is for you to stay away from the corporals cigarettes…" Chakwas suddenly paused. Her gaze wandered to Shepard, who returned it in the same intensity. "But maybe, just maybe, you could actually profit from these unfortunate circumstances."

"How so?" This began to be intriguing.

"The chemical compound that has been causing you all this trouble is named Hexadeca-Hyridyl-Cethylpyrrolidin - or," she grinned,"by its more common abbreviation, XHC. You have inhaled it together with at least 4,000 other substances that make up this tobacco's smoke. Maybe it is possible, that by injecting or otherwise allowing your bloodstream to absorb it in a pure form, you may be able to experience a similar effect without the looming risk of a heart attack or internal bleedings."

I folded my hands as if to pray, placed my chin on my fingertips and stared at my legs. My mind went nuts at this conclusion. I remembered the moment vividly.

Everything that could disrupt my focus vanished. My hands were completely still. My crosshair was firmly placed on target, and no doubt plagued me as I took the shot.

I looked up to see how both women regarded me with worry.

"Don't get your hopes up, Raven." Chakwas warned me. "I will need to contact a few colleagues, and conduct a lot of tests, and even then there is no guarantee that you won't suffer more than you will benefit. You are my patient, and ultimately, it is your decision."

It took me less than ten seconds. "Do it." I said.

Chakwas merely nodded, but Shepard immediately spoke up.

"Are you sure, Raven? I do not mean to insult you, but the potential ramifications could be severe. Your health is not something to toy around with."

"And I don't want to insult you, Commander, but I know."

I had spoken without malice, and Shepard tilted her head and gave me a questioning look.

"Remember what I told you when I joined your team?" I let a few seconds pass. "I said that this was going to be my one chance to do something useful with my life. And I don't know what you've seen when Shiala gave you the cipher…" Images of the final confrontation with Saren, the assault on the Collector base and the Reaper War came to my mind. "... but I've heard and seen enough to believe that, as you yourself said back in Udina's office, you will need every help that you can get."

I broke eye contact and turned my gaze to the ceiling. "Adding to that what we learned today about Saren's mind control abilities, that they are supposedly strong enough to break an Asari Matriarch's will… and I think that it would be foolish if I wouldn't at least try. " I shrugged. "If the tests do not go well, we can still drop the entire idea."

I spoke that last sentence lightly, to which Shepard chuckled.

Even today, I don't know what really made me agree that quickly. What I told Shepard may as well have been the truth. Maybe my still lingering desperation to match my more experienced squadmates played a role in it, too. While I had learned too much to consider myself a rookie anymore… I was determined to prove everyone my worth. And the opportunity to gain a hold of such a powerful tool, even at the cost of my own health, seemed too good to pass up.

"Thank you."

Her sincere tone surprised me. "You're welcome." I grinned ironically and added: "It's my body, after all."

She nodded. Looking at the clock on the wall, Shepard rose back to her feet. "I should go and look after the colonists. You're off the clock, Raven. See you later."

"See ya, Shepard!" She gave me one last smile, nodded in Chakwas direction, then left the medbay.

I stared at the door for a few extra seconds.

Shepard continued to amaze me. After witnessing her expression in front of the Thorian's lair, I had genuinely assumed that her reaction to my antic would be an at least temporary exclusion from her squad.

And yet, she had been just as friendly as always.

I admit that for a moment, I entertained the idea of me being her 'secret crush'. But almost immediately, I shook my head in a very sarcastic manner. No, absolutely not. Shepard had been very nice to every single one of us, and her relationship towards me was not much different from what I had witnessed between Shepard and most of us squadmates. She was an absolute Paragon, that much I knew after all the months aboard.

And to add to that, I had enough evidence to assume that Shepard was developing a very close relationship with Liara - almost enough to consider a romance as a given. But Shepard's private life, while potentially very interesting, wasn't my business - at least not in ME1. I would continue to play the role of a minor character, at least for as long as it would take. Later, in two years, when the weight of the Alliance would be lifted from our shoulders. I was looking forward to meeting new, old friends…

I won't lie. Somewhere, deep inside me, it seethed. I enjoyed my experience, but I missed those who were waiting further down the road. I missed EDI, Jacob, Miranda, Kasumi, Thane, Jack… Cortez, James Vega, even that arrogant bastard of a prothean, Javik. I could not wait to see them all in person, hopefully befriending them, but definitely fighting alongside them. Not to mention that by the time of ME2, we had a good chance of introducing Crow to the struggle - a prospect that made me grin like a lunatic.

Remembering how I lay there, I cannot help but to grin. Had I known just how it all should eventually play out, I probably would have been fat least a little bit less enthusiastic.

And still, I stand by it. I would not have missed it for anything.

Chakwas interrupted my thoughts by turning around to address me. "I will also go ashore, Raven, to check on the others and see if my help is needed in the colony. Don't refrain from using the emergency button, should you feel severe discomfort." Her tone was reassuring. "I am sure that you will not need it, but remember it, just in case. And in case Mr. Dan wakes up, send me a message to my omnitool. "

"Okay, understood... but one thing, Ma'am." I had just remembered something…. Or rather, someone.

"That guy that I've saved when we entered the spaceport - the one who sent us to Fai Dan… where is he?"

Dr. Chakwas sighed. She looked down on my, with eyes that were filled with sympathy. "Mr. Al Talaqani … has not made it."

I froze.

She sighed. "I still had him in surgery when the Thorian began to control the colonists. The order to resist was stronger than my sedatives. He woke up and trashed around… it broke his spine, and his neck. He didn't suffer for long."

I didn't know what to say. Chakwas gave me a sad smile. I would later notice how this same smile tended to be on the lips of veterans that had seen far too much, especially when they talked to young and disillusioned recruits.

"We cannot save everyone, Raven." She said quietly, and gestured to Fai Dan's laying form. "But we can try."

Patting on my shoulder as she went by, she left the medbay. I leaned back and stared up, maiming my teeth and thinking empty thoughts.

The NORMANDY left Feros ten hours later. The Citadel awaited us.

*DD'd = Dishonourably Discharged.
** Oscar Mike = NATO code; O.M. - On the Move, or On Mission.

A/N: Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen! Wow, this one was truly more than overdue. I will never again need six months to release the next chapter, that much I can promise.
I have a few good reasons for that delay - like the fact that I've reworked a third of the entire story in those six months (as I mentioned in the FYI that has been in place of this chapter before). And a fair bit of real life struggling as well.

Well, I do hope that at least, this chapter is somewhat compensating for the long wait. A lot of thinking went into this, and I've rewritten different parts (particularly the dialogue with Miller and the discussion in the medbay) at least five times each. At least, now they feel well when I'm reading them. Still, I know that I'm prone for mistakes, so please let me know if something sounds fishy, or illogical.

Oh, and don't bother with looking for that XHC. The latin-like mashup-mess is the heavily mutilated chemical code for nicotine.

Regarding the future, I'll begin working on CH13 soon, but I also want to continue reworking the older chapters to meet the higher standards of the newer chapters. Next time an update hits your inbox, I thing all three parts of chapter 4 should be updated by then. This shouldn't take too much time... Contrary to the first four parts, I will likely not need to completely write them anew.

Well, that's it, I guess…? Thank you all for reading, and please consider leaving me a review, a favourite, or consider following! Raven, out!