Why, hello once again. It turns out that writing ludicrous Lord of the Rings parodies is my distraction from having to write essays on Hamlet and existentialism. Ah, procrastination, thy name is fanfic.
Disclaimer: Sadly, to this day I own neither Lord of the Rings nor The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Though not through lack of trying, I might add.
Lets Fight a Battle Again! (to the tune of The Time Warp)
Scene opens with ARAGORN standing on the ramparts of Helm's Deep, looking out over a sea of Uruk-hai.
ARAGORN: It's astounding.
Night is fleeting…
Dawn takes it's course.
But listen closely…
LEGOLAS: Not for very much longer…
ARAGORN: These Orcs seem to keep control.
I remember,
Doing the Moria thing,
Drinking those moments when
The dawn light would hit me,
LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and ARAGORN: And the Orcs would go crawling!
ALL: Lets fight a battle again!
Lets fight a battle again!
URUK LEADER: It's just a stab to the left-
URUKS: And then a hit to the right!
URUK LEADER: Put your hands on their head!
URUKS: And squeeze the neck in tight!
But it's the axic thrust,
That really drives them insane…
ALL: Lets fight a battle again!
Lets fight a battle again!
Scene crosses to HALDIR, RUMIL and OROPHIN sitting in the mallorn trees of Lothlorien
HALDIR: It's so dreary…
Oh sense of duty free me!
So you won't see me…
No, not at all.
Way back in Lothlorien
With good old Rumil and Orophin
Well secluded,
I see all!
ARAGORN: With a bit of a canon flip…
HALDIR: You're into the film shift!
ARAGORN: And nothing
Will ever be the same.
LEGOLAS: There's fanfics and fangirls…
ARAGORN: And the dreaded Mary-Sues!
ALL: Lets fight a battle again!
Lets fight a battle again!
HALDIR: Well, it's just a stab to the left…
ELVES: And then a hit to the right!
HALDIR: Put your hands on their heads…
ELVES: And squeeze the neck in tight!
But it's the axic thrust,
That really drives them insane!
Lets fight a battle again!
Lets fight a battle again!
At this point the ELVES commence a rather vigorous can can, with really high kicks. The other cast members pelter them with mud.
Scene changes to SAM and FRODO strolling through Mordor.
FRODO: Well I was walking down the street
Just-a havin' a think,
When this old sort of guy gave me an evil ring,
Scared me a bit,
Took me by surprise,
He had a pointy blue hat and a clunky cart.
Started a journey and I felt a change,
Food meant nothing,
Never would again!
ALL: Lets fight a battle again!
Lets fight a battle again!