Lost and its characters belong to JJ Abrams, Bad Robot and everyone else who pays good money to make good money that I will not be earning by this ficlet. Just taking a stab at something I was thinking – about Jack after The Hunting Party and how he feels about Kate and why he has to push her away. Um. Summary!

Jack in a Box
By Mystic
February 6th 2006

He'd always denied himself the things he wanted. It was just safer. If he wanted something, chances were, it wasn't good for him. His father would tell him, his mother would tell him, his friends would tell him. So the more he wanted, the more he turned away. He closed his eyes and he thought about other things. About the names of arteries, of capillaries, of organs and tissues and systems. Organized chaos.

Now he watched Kate sit by a fire, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. She denied herself release and he understood it more than she knew. He leaned against a tree somewhere close enough to watch the rise and fall of her chest, but far enough for the haze of camp fires to block her view of him.

His hands pressed tight into the water bottle he held and he knew he should have been back at the caves. Knew people expected him there since he'd lead the exodus from the beach, but he wanted to be close to her. He wanted to walk across the sand and sit next to her in silent apology and give her a nod and a smile and let her know he wasn't angry at her – he was angry at himself. For letting her down. Of course, there was no real way he could have protected her, he knew that, but the idea that the others had her in their grasp, could have snapped her slender neck in front of his eyes… and he'd have been helpless… his eyes turned out towards the ocean.

He wanted her. More than he wanted to want her. Parts of him understood perfectly well, and parts of him sat in confusion. She was everything his parents had taught him to run from. Unabashed and free from all the restrictions he'd grown up with. Kate had a will all her own and it bothered him because he knew, no matter how much he begged and pleaded, she would do what she wanted, no matter the consequences. Jack envied it.

Wished he could be that way.

Watching her remove the small toy plane from her bag and twist it around in her hands though, he knew she had some limits, some restrictions, some things that made her stop dead in her tracks and retreat with fear. He knew she was capable of holding back, of wanting and not having. She gripped the plane, her eye coming up to meet his across the waves of heat he thought made him invisible and he watched a single tear roll halfway down her right cheek before she wiped at it with the back of her hand angrily and looked away. Embarrassed. Like she didn't want him to catch her crying.

He wanted to know what she was thinking. What she was afraid of. What was she thinking at that very moment, when their eyes connected. He wanted to know if she was sorry. Wanted to know if she would apologize. Wanted to know if she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Jack didn't let his eyes waver because he wanted to watch her. He allowed himself that much.

Her hand closed tighter around the plane and she pushed it far into her backpack and her body shifted slightly, curling up, like she was trying to cocoon herself away from the world and he cringed. In that one look he'd seen her sorrow. She wanted him to forgive her. She'd wanted him to want her again the way she knew he did. Jack leaned his head back, pressing until the bark of the tree rubbed painfully against his scalp and he dropped it again, his chin touching his chest before he pushed off the tree and walked across the sand.

Feeling her eyes on him, he walked past her, his feet heavy in the sand and she sighed softly. Jack raised his head, staring at the open stretch of beach in front of him and he promised himself he'd isolate himself from her. She would only hurt him and he would only hurt her. It's the way it was. But he wanted to comfort her. Wanted to turn back and hug her and tell her it was ok. Wanted to kiss her and touch her cheeks and run his hands through her hair, feel her warm body against his.

Jack wanted her. More than anything he'd ever wanted. And he wanted nothing more than to be with her. Wanted to make her smile. Wanted to make her laugh. Wanted to listen to her talk all day. Wanted to shake his head at her and feel that bubbling inside his stomach when she raised her eyebrows at him and gave him that grin.

He wanted her, so he walked away.

Finis