Ladies and Gentlemen,
This is the type of letter I hoped I would never have to write… but as things stand, it would be dishonest not to write it.
Effective today, I am putting Mass Effect: Raven on Hiatus. This break might just last six months, it might last a year, two years - or it may never end.
On one hand, this feels like I am admitting defeat - I've been staring at this document for three hours now, unsure if I actually want to do this. It kind of feels like I'm breaking a promise to my readers and to myself.
But on the other hand, I know that I have to do what is best for myself - and mentally "turning the page" is part of that. I will elaborate in a moment.
"But Raven," some of you might say, "it wouldn't be the first time that you needed more than half a year to publish a new chapter. Why should we be surprised that it takes you an eternity to write?"
The difference is, in the past, I normally needed extremely long to publish a chapter due to three factors: A lack of time, other matters to worry about with higher priority, my own 'perfectionism' making me redo (up to) thousands of words.
But I always wanted to write.
Tonight, I am sitting down for the seventh? Eight? Time since I've published the last chapter, telling myself that I had enough time to get writing & finish the half-baked chapter I am sitting on - and realize something.
I should not need to force myself to write. And I don't know what to write in the first place.
Over the course of the last one-and-a-half year and especially since I published the last chapter, my life has changed drastically. I finished my studies in May 2020, and, already drained from the mental strain that the paper took on me - especially since I had to write it at a time where nobody knew what the hell was going on with regards to the virus - I started looking for employment. Due to the pandemic, I was unable to secure a job I had hoped for.
The latter half of 2020 was, therefore, a bit of a nightmare for me as I struggled for employment and other things that will remain private. That being said, I got to catch a bit of breath around Christmas - just in time to finish and wrap up Mass Effect 1 and even release the 'fun' little spin-off set in Skyrim.
The first half of this year was also rather decent for me. Things started to look up at the job market, I finally got to work with someone who was not completely incompetent to deal with the COVID situation and my personal situation, I learned that my rather…uncomfortable living arrangements with two flatmates was going to end sooner than anticipated. I published the first 'real' chapter of ME 2.
Ever since then, things have taken their toll on me. I had to move to a new apartment, I had to and still have to struggle constantly with the relevant authorities for my living, my current employment is unsatisfying (to be polite about it) and likely only temporary, financial strains do exist, and sadly, only a month ago, I lost a family member rather dear to my heart. Among other things that are either not worth throwing onto the pile individually.
To sum it up: I am stuck in a limbo between finishing my education and finding permanent employment and/or stability in general, have a lot of the rugs my life once stood on pulled out from under me, and thanks to a worldwide crisis which is currently not predictable, it is set to stay like this for quite some time to come.
As such, I am mentally drained and on the brink of falling back into the depression I just clawed my way out of.
Now, this is not meant to be a rant, me begging for pity or anything along those lines. I am alive and physically well - which is more than a lot of other people can say about themselves, sadly. This is merely an explanation, my attempt to put it all into words - and may sound familiar to a lot of people facing similar situations.
That being said: I need to change my approach to things. Fully reset, free up my mind, else the complete breakdown will come - and if it comes, I am not sure if I would have the strength left to recover from it.
As such, sadly, the time has come for me to - for now! - put a halt to this project.
Now, realistically, this won't make a huge difference to you, my dear readers. I have gotten lucky that I have an audience that was always patient and encouraging with me. Sadly, it is nothing new to you that I am slow to write & publish - for which I can only apologize. Again.
But, as much as writing is supposed to be something I do for fun, it is also a fact that there's always a small feeling nagging at the back of my mind.
"You have to continue the story." "Stop that waste of time and get writing. " "Come on, people have been waiting for ages now - you must sit down and write!"
Imagine that endless repetition over months, but for around dozens of different things, to the point that you feel like you're never getting anything done. Subsequently, you exhaust yourself by resting too little. By resting too little, you slowly lose your ability to work - meaning that you get even less done. It's a pretty vicious cycle.
And once the point has been reached that you actually dread sitting down because you feel like you're wasting time on something else with basically anything you want to start, you know that you're in trouble.
And combine that with the fact that, thanks to that and a combination of other factors, my drive to get things done and my creativity are both drained up, and you see why I think drastic changes are needed.
The fact that I find it easier to write this small "essay" is easier to me than writing the story itself should say enough.
And, sadly, ME: Raven cannot be on the priority list anytime soon.
Trust me, I had half a mind to just quietly "let it die" and just come back when/if I ever feel like it again.
But in the end, I feel like I owe the people who have been following for so long an explanation and honesty, at least.
Plus - my hopes are that, if I make this Hiatus official, my mind will find it easier to "let it go", to not worry about it anymore, and it actually be a weight off my shoulders.
I'll see about that. It will take a lot to pick myself back up, but I've done it before, and I will do it again.
Closing words, then. I have no real idea how to end this, so I'll make it brief.
I would like to apologize to all the people that contacted me over the last few months and never received an answer back. Sadly, my contacts on fanfiction dot net are not the only ones whom I lost touch with.
All fellow authors out there have my explicit permission to work with what I have created - as long as it is clearly marked who their original creator is. Perhaps from a 3rd person perspective, or "intertwined" with the story of your own OC? That would be kinda cool.
That being said, I hereby explicity forbid the continuation/adoption of ME:Raven itself. And that has a very simple reason:
I am not saying "Goodbye". I am saying: "See you later." Because at the point that I am writing this, I am not quite ready to give up entirely.
And with any luck, these tough times will only make us all stronger, once the tide finally turns.
Once again, Thank You All for the enjoyment reading your comments, chatting with you via DM's and writing for you has brought me over the years. And I do hope that I did bring you guys some enjoyment in return.
And I sincerely hope that, once, when, if I come back - I come back refreshed and able to do my very best.
Good Luck to all of you.
Sincerely yours.
Jan "RedRaven" E.