Confessional
Disclaimer: Not mine. Notmine. N otmine. Notm ine. No matter how I say it, it's still true.
Grissom paced uncomfortably in the locked down safety of his office, from his desk to his book nook and back again. His fingers danced blindly against themselves in a show of his agitation.
His door was locked, his glass walls sound proof and his blinds drawn down. The lab was muted and seemed very far away.
For Grissom there was a sense of protection in the seeming distance, illusory but necessary.
For this, he needed a safe quiet space.
He sighed and ran one big hand through his hair and then down across his beard. He could do this.
"I just.."
He faltered, sighed and tried again.
"I think maybe she needs more than I can give her and I will end up damaging her in some way ok!"
He was shocked at his defensive tone. There was no need for it but he was unable to stop it, to finally be saying these things out loud, and to an audience- well, it was almost exhilarating.
Liberating.
"I see her and I want her. I see her with other men and I want to harm them."
He stood, expecting a condemning response, but it did not come.
When Catherine had suggested he talk to someone, anyone, he had been dismissive. Scornful even, but he had to admit, she had been right. It felt remarkably good just to say these things out loud.
"I can't give her what she wants but I treat her badly when she tries to get it from others. I use her feelings for me to manipulate her. I know it's wrong but I just can't seem to stop myself. I want to, but I want to punish her more."
"Why?" he cocked his head considering this, as though motive had never occured to him.
"Because...because I hate that she has so much more courage than me. She has youth and beauty and brains but she is so much more than me in so many things and it hurts me."
And just like that his enthusiasm for confession left him.
"It hurts me."
He wanted to cry. Naming the impulse that had arisen in his chest was like setting lead weights down on his ribs and he felt old and sad.
He sat on the edge of his leather chair, arms on his knees and head bent.
"I want to let her in. I really do."
His voice was quiet now, ashamed of the weakness he was displaying.
But his audience was silent still and he didn't expect anything more from them. It was with this quality in mind that he had chosen them as his confidante.
Grissom sunk himself deep into the chair behind his desk taking his jar of irradiated pig foetus onto his lap.
"Oh Miss Piggy, I just don't know what to do about this."
BR
BR
Sorry, but once I got the image of Grissom sat in his office talking to Miss Piggy, it would just not leave me alone.