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Our cabin in Aspen never changes. I expect it to, but it doesn't. It's just north of Cripple Creek, and it's damn cold but the snow is soothing somehow. My mom designed the cabin, of course. Her style is everywhere. It's one level with five bedrooms, but only the master has its own bathroom.
Jennie is in the room next to mine. We got there at night, it wasn't the plan but dad had to consult with a 'dimwit client.' His words, not mine. My parents went out into the city to get some things for the cabin. That left Jennie and I alone. We had been alone here multiple times, but last year I didn't feel like this. It wasn't this bad.
"Jennie?" I knocked on her door. I didn't want a repeat of last time. Well, I did but I couldn't handle that again.
"Come in."
I did. She was laying on her stomach reading one of the books I got her.
"Which one you got?" I asked casually. She shifted up to look at me, her sweater moved up her stomach, exposing the dimples on her lower back. My mouth watered until I could tear my gaze away.
"Private India. It's one of the newer ones." I sat next to her, watching her read. She didn't notice I was staring at her.
"Are you okay?"
She wore a permanent frown; one she never wears when she reads. "I'm fine." Her voice was dry.
I grabbed her book from her and set it on the table.
"Hey!" she tried to reach for it but I gripped her wrist. She tried with the other but I grabbed that one too. her wrists were small, my fingers overlapped.
"Tell me what's wrong."
"Nothing is wrong." She shrieked, trying to wiggle free of my grasp.
"Don't make me tickle it out of you, Cheesecake…" I warned.
She frowned, giving me a 'you wouldn't dare' look.
"Your choice." I grabbed both her wrists in one hand and moved so that she was between my knees. I tickled her stomach until she was shrieking. Usually it's the only way to get answers.
"Okay, okay…" I stopped, "I can't afford my internship." I furrowed my brow in confusion. I dropped her hands, she rubbed her face in frustration. I still stood above her on my knees, deftly I noticed the swell of her breasts over the top of her sweater.
"That doesn't make any sense."
She sighed, looking up through her lashes with her blue eyes. "I have to find a place to live. I just don't have the money for a down payment and first month's rent. Which is what they ask for."
I shook my head. Holding her gaze for a moment then I had to start laughing.
"What is funny?" She scowled.
I shook my head. "Your internship is in Clemson and I live in Clemson, Cheesecake." I grinned.
Her mouth turned up, she wasn't getting it. "So?"
"So, you can live with me dumbass. My apartment is what, like ten minutes from downtown?"
Her eyes widened in shock. She smiled a bit but then her face went cold. "I can't make you do that. You have school."
"So? That just means I'll be in class most of the time. Besides, I need someone to cook for me."
"God, you're annoying."
"True. Say you'll do it."
I didn't know what I was doing. Could I live with her? I didn't care if I could, I wanted—needed to help her. I could get past my raging hard ons, right?
"I don't know…"
"Ruby Jane." I threatened to tickle her again. "I'll tickle you into submission." She flushed. I thought it was cute, how damn ticklish she was.
"I just don't know…"
I shrugged and started tickling her.
She laughed aloud and tried to push me away, but I was too strong. She took me by surprise and rolled us over. Then the world seemed to stop. She was on top of me. She has never been on top of me before. I felt her breasts pillowing against my chest, then I felt her crotch right on top of mine. I forced myself not to move, I begged myself. But she was right there, and I was so weak. I shifted my hips, my now extremely hard cock pressed against her. She gasped, but she didn't move. She didn't move. Our eyes met and I saw the desire in hers and felt it in mine. My gaze traveled down to her lips, her soft kissable lips. I started to breath faster, trying to control myself. To do anything but grab her hips and rub her against me until I got off.
"S-say you'll move in with me. Just for your internship." I finally spoke. My voice was heavy, masked with desire.
"Okay. I'll move in with you…just for my internship."
I nodded and smiled.
I sighed disappointment when she shifted off of me, more so that she was sitting over my thighs. Her eyes were on mine, then her eyes were traveling lower, lower. Shit.
"Oh…" her eyes were on my erection, very obvious in my sweat pants.
"Sorry. Can't help it."
She blushed until she was red from her face all the way to her neck. I wanted to kiss every inch of her blush.
She was staring at it like she had never seen one before. But then I thought…she probably hadn't. Then I said something completely normal for me, that had nothing to do with secretly being in love with her.
"You just gonna' stare at it or you wanna' suck me off?"
She punched me right in the gut and got off of me. "God Lisa, you're such a…" she fumbled with her book, fingers shaking. She laid back on the other side of the bed with a huff.
"Horny jerk?" I rolled onto my side and propped my head up on my elbow.
"Yes." She started reading again. But she was still distracted, kept sneaking glances at it. It was kind of cute, that she didn't really know what to do.
"Shouldn't you go…take care of that?" She mumbled.
"It will go away on its own. Don't worry." I smiled sheepishly. I had to admit that I was eating it up, making her uncomfortable and all. So I couldn't help it. "You can tell me you've never seen one before. Or felt one." I teased her.
She sighed, shut her book and looked up at the ceiling. Still blushing. "No." She barely whispered.
"No what?" I pretended to be dumbfounded.
"No, I've never…felt or seen one. Maybe in anatomy books back in high school."
"But you write about them."
"Yeah, based off of what I've read."
"Then you're probably getting it wrong…so when you're making out with a guy doesn't he ever get hard?"
She covered her face with her hands. "No. God, why are you asking me this?"
I grabbed her hand and pulled it away from her face. "You don't have to be embarrassed. It's not a bad thing."
"I'm not! I just don't want to talk about it with you." She shouted.
"Why? Because you just felt mine?"
"No, I just…don't want to keep feeling like this." She huffed and sat up, crossing her arms.
"Like what?" I asked, a little more serious now because she seemed really bothered.
"Like I'm missing out on something. I know it may be stupid, but it's just how I feel."
I sat up and looked at her, though she was avoiding my gaze. "It isn't stupid. Never discredit your feelings, and don't let anyone else do it either. Jennie, look at me," she did, "you get me?" She nodded slowly. "Good. I would hug you but my cock might scare you again." She fumed and punched my arm. It hurt, too. "Sorry, I'm done now. I swear."
She went back to reading for a second, I just sat on the bed messing with my phone.
"Lisa, can I ask you something?"
"You just did but you can ask me another one." I felt her irritation but turned to face her.
She sat Indian style across from me. She toyed with her fingers nervously.
"You've got to stop being so…prudish, Cheesecake."
She met my gaze, her eyes fleeting. "I'm not being prudish. I thought I was…making you uncomfortable. You're blushing." I laughed though my face didn't feel hot at all.
"I'm flushed because my hard on is coming down." I said blankly.
"Oh." She nearly squeaked.
"You okay now?"
She nodded, laid back down and started reading again.
While she was reading I started looking at the medical schools I got into. Then I thought of dad again, and what he could possibly do to stop me. Even if he cuts me off or something, I can use financial aid, get a job.
It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Jennie worked two jobs to pay for school and still has loans to pay off, that's why this internship is so important to her. It can get her in the industry, get her some connections. I had to help her, right?
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The rest of our trip was really relaxing. I didn't fight with my dad, and I teased Jennie mercilessly about her new fear of sex. She thought I didn't see it, but she was growing more and more interested in it. I didn't know why, but I guess I understood. Everyone our age was just like me or getting married, or at least in some sort of relationship.
Jennie wasn't avoiding a relationship; she just went about it the wrong way. I was always on the receiving end of the failures, so I know. It's not that she gets too attached, she just picks people who don't want to get attached and thinks she can change them, like the people in the books she reads. Even if I tell her I love her, as more than a friend, she'll either feel the same and try to change me, or not feel the same and still try to change me—change how I feel. I wasn't prepared for either.
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I sealed the last of Jennie's boxes and loaded it on my truck.
"What about my car?" We stood in her driveway, ready to leave before she freaked out.
"I have two up in Clemson, you can drive one of them. We should ride together."
She looked back at her car sadly but then agreed.
She already said goodbye to her dad and her sister yesterday. Her dad even gave me the stern look I had been waiting for and pointed at me with his face in a tight grimace when he telling me to taking care of Jennie when she's not looking. His eyes were beady and hooded, sending daggers right through my heart when he said that.
The drive was only three hours so I hit it in one shot. We arrived just before dinner time. I led her up to my apartment in The Gallery. It was two bedrooms, and a pretty good size.
"It's really nice."
"Why do you say that like you're surprised?" She shrugged and walked farther inside.
The island faced the front door and the kitchen was off to the side. Mom made sure I had the best, stainless steel appliances and good furniture. I had a leather loft couch and two side chairs. The entertainment system was my favorite. I watched Jennie walk around, looking at a few pictures I had. I hoped she wouldn't notice there were quite a few of us. I had to say, I imagined her standing in my living room a bunch of times, but seeing her here for real, in her shift dress and wool boots, was a hundred times better.
"I'm not." She smiled.
"This will be your room; I'll clean the equipment out tomorrow." I showed her the bedroom next to mine, the bathroom was in the middle. "Only one bathroom though, so knock before you come in." I joked with her, she shook her head in mock disappointment.
"It's pretty nice." She sat on the bed, my mom insisted on me keeping it dressed. It had been like that since she bought the place for me two years ago.
"Yeah. We should eat after we bring your stuff up."
She nodded.
She didn't do any of the work though. I didn't mind lugging all her bags up either. I was sweating through my t-shirt by the time I was done, my jeans clung to my legs.
"Finished?" She chirped. I glared at her softly and she giggled.
I sat next on the small couch in the room—her room. I could get used to her being inches away, it might make my life a lot harder but I could handle it.
"What do you want for dinner?"
She shrugged. "You live here, you tell me. Maybe you can show me around a bit too." She suggested. I stared at her a bit too long, liking how she looked in the light. She looked like a dark haired, raven. A beautiful raven at that.
"Oh, yeah. We should do that. I'm going to shower first though."
"I'll wait here. Maybe snoop around a bit."
I chuckled and stood up. "Okay."
She stopped me at the door, touching my arm softly. "Lisa," she looked up at me.
I already knew what she was going to say. I pulled her into a hug, she latched her arms around my waist and I squeezed her shoulder—being surprisingly platonic.
"You're welcome." She sighed and released me. "Be right back."
We walked outside together. The wind blew softly, because she was right in front of me her smell hit my nose. I smiled, she smelled like lilacs and cheesecake. She was undeniably edible; I couldn't get through one day, without wanting to taste her; without wanting more of her.
"Oh, this is one of my cars." We walked past the Audi coupe I drove up here in the fall, I left it because I decided to fly back.
"I can't drive that." She eyed it suspiciously.
"Why?"
"It's too…flashy." I laughed to myself.
"Your only other option is the Mercedes." I pointed to the mid-size C-class my mom drove up here…and then ended up flying back too. I guess that's what happens when you have too many cars, they get left places.
She didn't reply.
"Let's just talk about it later. I'm too hungry to argue with you." My voice was a little shorter than I intended but she didn't flinch at all.
I took her to Todaro Pizza, the best pizza here in my opinion. I ordered a large pizza that I could probably finish myself and she got a personal veggie pizza. It's actually funny, sometimes she pretends she's a vegetarian. It's cute.
"I'm sorry about before, I appreciate you letting me even use your car. And live with you." She gazed at me from across the table. I leaned back, arms crossed and legs open, my most comfortable position.
"It's okay Cheesecake. I know you don't like people helping you, but I'm not people. I'm your best friend."
She smiled and nodded. Then she pulled out her phone and started reading, she was good as gone. When our food came, she put her phone away and ate.
"When do you start class?" She asked me.
I finished chewing and replied. "Next Thursday." It was only Saturday so I had a while.
"You excited?"
"God no. I held off on some core classes too long. I'll be in class with a bunch of freshmen." I dreaded it. I wanted to get all my pre-med courses out of the way and take my MCAT a year before med school, which I did. But now I was stuck in English and some biology electives. The only thing I was excited for was this homicide course I signed up for and my biomedical ethics class.
"Well at least you'll have a whole new hook-up pool. Eager freshman." She wiggled her brows and I laughed, but it was uneasy.
She joked about my sexual accolades so casually, it really made me think she didn't think of me romantically at all. Like…at all. Girls don't joke like that when they like you. We finished eating and I paid the tab, of course she argued but I always win. She didn't say anything about it making it a date or something, I was the only one who thought like that. I had never even taken a girl out on a date before, but I'm sure it involved paying.
Then I showed Jennie around campus. When she visited she had only been to my apartment. I drove to the athletic facility and came in through there. I went in through the football stadium. It was rarely ever locked.
I showed her every interesting thing I could think of. My locker, the sidelines, the viewing room at the very top of the stadium. She was only slightly interested. I showed her around campus a bit but it was getting cold so we headed back.
I haven't read any of Jennie's blogs in like two weeks. I thought of it in the car when we head back from my campus, the last one I read was when she graduated. She usually does a new year's one and one after that. Sure, I could read it myself on her site but if she doesn't give me the go ahead, I don't read it. It was an unspoken rule.
She said, she already know it's good when I'm asking about it, she was acting extremely weird. Remember when I asked her before and she said the same thing? Weird.
I didn't see much of Jennie until the day I had class. She was immersed in her first few days at work. I insisted on celebrating over the weekend. But first I had to tackle Friday classes. She wasn't home when I got back, it was only two in the afternoon. She pretty much worked a nine to five. I ate a quick lunch and then I couldn't help it. I had to see why she didn't want me to read the last few blogs.
I hoped she wouldn't take it badly, I figured she wouldn't even know. I sat on the couch, pulled out my laptop and went to her site. I started with the first blog. The title completely threw me off.
My Virgin Manifesto-posted on Cheesecake Write's blog.
This may be a shock to you all, and this is very hard to even type but at my glorious age, I am still a virgin. You may be wondering how that's possible, if you read the short stories I post then you know it may be hard to believe. But believe me, it is true. Yes, I am heterosexual. Since the beginning of time, maybe, a woman remaining a virgin meant she remained pure. People even profit off of a woman's in-tact hymen. In Europe, the bride's family put up a dowry for her wedding to a suitable man. In Japan, sex with a virgin is so highly valued that a wealthy man would sponsor a maiko and train her, in return he got her hand in marriage and right of mizuage—the ritual of privilege to take her virginity. Hell, sacrifices to the gods were made possible with virgins. When the Greeks needed wind to sail for Troy so they could wage war, but the goddess Artemis prevented it and asked for a virgin sacrifice.
With everything said, the end goal, the prize in all of these was a woman's virginity. In most all of these scenarios, the woman is getting little to no profit. So let's come back to our time, can women—like me, still profit from our attached hymens? From our undeniable purity? Not legally. What we can do is control it, at least. We aren't being married off, we aren't being forced by money, and we lose it because we want to. Not because we have to, or are given no choice.
I have a choice. I have chosen to believe that it is holding me back, making me feel like something is…wrong. Nothing is wrong. I know that, but I can't stop myself from feeling that sinking pit whenever I'm with a guy, things are going well and our relationship comes to a stop because he doesn't want to be the one to deflower me. I thought guys liked that…anyways, I have made a choice. Back to that. This little hymen of mine is going to get broken, I don't know or care by who, as long as they don't have diseases. I'll start looking and get back to you. I'm losing it, guys.
This is Cheesecake, signing out.
Holy. Fucking. Shit. No fucking wonder she didn't want me to read it. This is…wait, she's going to what? Lose it to some rando? Fuck no…but could I stop her? Fuck no. I don't have the right to control her hymen, she has made it clear that no one does. But I couldn't let her do that. I know how she is. I may know her better than she knows herself and if she did that, it would kill her. She wouldn't make it…I know that for sure.
I read the next two. They were considerably brighter. About the new year and then her internship. Good. I couldn't read the comments on her manifesto, too many creeps offering to…it made my blood boil. I shut my laptop down and went for a run to lose this frustration. I didn't expect her to be back when I got there.
"Oh, you're here early." It was only four.
"Yeah, the editor let me go early. She also wants my review on this manuscript." She beamed.
I took in her happiness all at once. First of all, she looked amazing in her black slacks that fit all her curves, and her pink button-down shirt that strained against her breasts. Her hair was pinned back, exposing her neck. I was already straining against my sweats.
"That's amazing." I smiled brightly.
Shake it off, be cool. I wasn't cool at all. I was hot and it wasn't from my run. I downed some water, it didn't help. She moved around me and made herself a smoothie. I sat on the counter and watched her sip at it.
"What?" She gave me a look.
I took a second. I didn't want to say the wrong thing; she was obviously pretty bothered by this.
"I…first of all, I'm really sorry but I read your last three blogs." I blurted.
"The last three? So." She laughed, sipped her smoothie and then almost did a spit take. "Oh…you read…"
"Your virgin manifesto…yeah." My lips tugged a smile, but I wanted to be serious.
She flushed immediately and set down her cup.
"Did you really mean you were…looking for someone to—to just take it?" I asked, my voice quiet.
Her eyes bugged as she stared back at me. "Yeah. I meant it. I think it will be good for me."
"I don't." I blurted before thinking.
She jutted back. "You don't get to make that decision."
"I know. You made it very clear that you make your own choices, and I respect that. I worship your clear mind, even when you're just unbearably stubborn but Ruby Jane, I am telling you, you'll regret it if you do it this way." I pleaded.
She shook her head. "I won't. Can't you just…be supportive?"
I groaned. I sat back, running my hands through my hair in frustration. And she walked off.
"Wait," she turned to face me. I stood up, feeling the sweat trickle down my back from my run. "I support all your choices. I've spoken my mind about it, so I will shut up. And I'll always be here for you if it goes…badly."
"Thanks." Then she disappeared inside her room.
I opted for a warm shower. But I kept thinking of Jennie and sex and those two in the same sentence didn't work for me. It's bad to come in the shower, that shit clogs the drains. I turned the water cold and got out when I calmed down.
To take my mind off of things, I started early on some assignments. In four hours I managed to write my essay for English, complete the first online assignment for my homicide course and then some crap for my visual arts elective. Hungry, I heated up a frozen dinner. When I was finished I chugged a beer and then thought for a second…a long, confusing second but then it came to me.
I knocked on Jennie's door, my heart racing. What if she leaves or something? I was thinking the worst.
"Come in."
She was sprawled on her bed, reading a loose manuscript with her thick black glasses on. God, this was going to be really hard. As I was.
"Hey." I sat on her bed gingerly.
She curled up her book and then sat up, curling her legs under her. Her t-shirt covered her up but I could tell she wasn't wearing a bra, the swells of her breasts were visible.
"Hey. Are you still mad?" She bit her lip softly.
"No," I furrowed my brow, "I can't be mad at you for making a choice."
"Thanks."
"I.. uh, thought I could make it easier for you."
"How?"
"First, how is your um…search going?"
She shrugged and blushed a little bit. "Well I was going to go out tomorrow and just…kind of like what I tried with that guy. When you were there. This time I won't back out though." Her eyes met mine.
"Why does it have to be a stranger?" I thought if I understood I could talk myself out of the proposition I was about to give her.
"So that there are no expectations. Those guys I've been with, they get weird when they find out I'm a virgin. I don't want to deal with that. When I find the right guy, I don't want my virginity stopping me again." It sort of made sense. But I guess I wanted this too bad to even try and understand properly.
"Okay. The thing is…I'm just putting this out there, and you can say no. You can say hell no and I will understand that completely. So I should just tell you, I guess." I was flustered. I never get nervous for anything but this was tearing me up.
"What is it, Lisa?" She giggled.
I met her eyes, blue and innocent as she stared at me. I felt my heart in my ears, my stomach in my ass. I didn't think this through, but I couldn't back down without a fight. It wouldn't be a good idea; I mean I'm in love with the girl for crying out loud. It would kill me, but…taking Jennie as mine is something I've dreamt of since I was fifteen. FIFTEEN. I took a deep breath, a steadying breath and then let it out.
"What about me? I'll take your virginity."
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