Author's notes: This story is on crack. And you may even have to be on crack to enjoy it. It's meant to be funny, so please, no one take it too seriously. Sam and Dean are OOC here, but that's on purpose.

The Winchester Brothers in the Land of Fic

The Setting: A run of the mill motel somewhere in the middle of the good ol' U S of A.

Dean runs into the motel room, only to find Sam still asleep on the bed. He plops down next to him, grabs his shoulders and begins to shake him like there's no tomorrow.

"Sam! Sammy! Sam! Sammy! Wake up! Wake up!"

Sam yawns, not disturbed in the least. "Five more minutes."

Dean continues to shake him, his voice growing ever-more agitated. "Sam, wake up! Now!"

Sam finally opens up one eye. "Are we in danger? Are you about to get your ass beat?"

Dean stops. "No."

"Then leave me the fuck alone. I'm tired. It was a late night last night."

"Yeah, I know Sam, but look! Look what I found outside the door this morning when I went for my five cups of coffee."

"All right, I'll bite. What?"

Dean sits back, holding a ton of paper in his hands. "Fan fic scripts!"

At this, Sam finally sits up, awake and alert. "More?"

"More, Sam. More. Many more."

"Well, maybe this batch isn't as bad as the other ones."

Shaking his head, Dean says, "These are worse. I thought things would have started to cool down by now. I thought these fan girls would lose interest, but instead it just gets worse every week."

"Well, how bad is it?" Sam asks.

"I've separated them into categories," Dean says with a hint of pride. "You want to know how many het fics we got?"

"How many?"

"Three. A grand total of three."

Sam shrugs. "Ok, well that's up from last week."

"And you want to know how many gen fics we got? You know, the ones with an actual plot? Ten!"

"Well, what's wrong with that? That's not bad."

Dean stares at Sam as if he's just lost his mind. "Five of them are death fics!"

"You or me?"

"You."

"Damn."

"And now do you want to hear how many slash fics we got? Do you? Huh?" Dean asks, growing more hysterical with each passing word. "Twenty-three! Twenty-three, Sam!"

"Dean, calm down."

But Dean is already reaching the point-of-no-return hysteria. "Do you have any idea how tired I am of touching that thing of yours? Not to mention the blow jobs! Gah! The taste! And the actual sex! It hurts, Sam! My ass hurts! How am I supposed to fight demons and evil things when my ass hurts?"

"Am I going to have to slap you? Cause I will. I have no problem doing it, " Sam says. He doesn't bother to add that he would probably enjoy it.

Dean curls up into a little ball on the bed and begins to sob. "Make it stop, Sam. Make it stop. It's unnatural. It's wrong. It's against the laws of God and man."

"Let me see those," Sam says, completely ignoring his brother's breakdown.

Dean looks up, not a tear on his face. "Hey, I'm crying and having a breakdown here. Aren't you supposed to be holding me and comforting me?"

Sam rolls his eyes. "Bitch, please."

With a grunt of frustration, Dean hands over the scripts. "And they're getting worse too." He drops his voice down to a whisper. "There's bad things in there now. Like bondage. And discipline. Kinky things."

"Really? Who's the bottom?"

"You."

"Damn."

Sam starts to flip through the multitude of papers. "Wincest. Wincest. Hey, there's two in here where you turn into a girl." He starts laughing hysterically.

"That's not funny, Sam," Dean whines. "I don't want to have a vagina."

"Dude, you are a vagina."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Sam stops laughing and looks thoughtful. "You know, I'm not really sure."

He resumes flipping through the pages. "Wincest. Wincest. Wincest. Hey!" He stops, holds up one script in particular. "This one here's an AU where we're not brothers."

Dean looks hopeful. "Really?"

"Yeah. It's by some chick named Isolde13." Sam continues to flip through the pages, speed-reading. "Hey, I like this one. I'm not some big sissy-boy in it. I actually kick some ass!"

Dean leans over, trying to look at the fic. "What do I do? What am I?"

"Oh umm . . . well . . . "

"What? What?"

"You're a whore."

"A what?"

"A whore. A prostitute. A hustler. A streetwalker. A gigolo. A.."

"I get the picture!"

"Apparently, this chick thinks that you're not just hustling 'pool' when you go out to get money."

Dean's face darkens dangerously. "Sam . . . " he warns. But almost instantly the dark look disappears. "A whore? I don't want to be a whore," he whines.

"Dude, you are a whore."

"What does that mean?"

Sam looks irritated and confused. "I don't know!"

Dean's eyes open really wide as he looks around. "Dude, do you think we're in a fic right now?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Now let's see what else we have here. Wincest. Wincest. Ooh, this one here's a non-con for you." Sam looks genuinely sorry. "I feel for you, man. I went through a bunch of those right after Skin. They're pretty harsh."

Dean pales and all but collapses on the bed. "See what I mean? This has to stop, Sam!"

But Sam, ever the pragmatist, says calmly, "Dean, let's look at his practically, ok? It's becoming obvious that the fan girls aren't going to stop anytime soon. The show's just hitting its stride and neither one of us is getting any uglier. At least I'm not. So I say we make the best of it."

"How do we do that?"

"We enjoy the ride. I mean, let's face it - there's some pretty good sexin' going on in these things."

Dean couldn't possibly look more shocked if Sam gave birth to a litter of kittens right there on the bed. "WHAT! ENJOY IT!"

Sam nods.

"What part of against the laws of God and man did you not understand?" Dean screeches as he gesticulates wildly with his hands. "Sam, you're my brother!"

Sam reaches out and slaps Dean across the face. "First of all, calm down. Second . . . don't be such a grandma. Besides, I've been hearing theories about us not really being brothers."

Dean manages to take a shaky, deep breath. "What?"

"Yeah, I keep hearing that we're only half-brothers or maybe not even related at all. You know, one of us was adopted and all that."

"So," Dean begins tentatively. "So, it's ok that we do these things? We're not getting a one-way ticket to hell? Is that what you're saying?"

"That's what I'm saying, big brother."

"Really?"

"Look at it this way. If the powers-that-be didn't want us having sex, would they have made us this hot? And with no women around anywhere?"

Dean scratches his head. "Well, I guess . . . when you put it that way."

Sam smiles and throws the mound of fic on the bed, thinking it's a damn good thing his brother's so pretty otherwise he'd never make it in the world.

"So, since we both agree that there's no harm in it, and we don't have anything else going on today, why don't we practice?"

"Practice?" Dean gulps.

"Sure. Practice makes perfect."

"But what about my ass?" Dean whines.

"I promise I'll take real good care of it. Now come here. But lose the shirt first."

"I still don't know about this. I'm not gay, see . . . "

"Don't make me tell you twice."

As Dean hesitantly begins to pull his shirt up over his head, Sam can't help but feel as if he's being watched. It's an eerie feeling and his mind goes back to what Dean said about being in a fan fic.

He quickly discards the idea as being silly.

He would know if that were the case.

His last rational thought before his brother's lips meet his and the porno music strikes up in his head is, "This Wincest thing is pretty fucking cool, but if those crazy broads start writing mpreg, I'm so outta here."