**Trigger Warning for suicide, please be aware and proceed carefully.**
Neal kept his gaze on the tally marks on the wall. Only fourteen more marks and that was supposed to be it. The end of his four-year sentence. But after his attempted escape yesterday, he probably had to start all over again. Was it a stupid move to escape just before his sentence was up? Definitely yes. But he had to know. He had to see it for himself. He had to see Kate. That's why he went straight to her grave right after he got out. All the way to the cemetery, he was thinking (desperately hoping) maybe this is all a big con. And Kate is waiting for him back at their apartment. But his hope was replaced with emptiness at the sight of her name on the stone. This can't be real. He couldn't fathom what he was seeing. He crouched down and grabbed a fist full of soil. How can this be real? This is beyond cruelty. He could not see Kate's kind eyes or hold her hands anymore.
No more late-night conversations, drinking cheap wine, and portraying their future. Every memory was flashing before Neal's eyes, and with each one, his chest was getting heavier and heavier. He didn't even know he was crying at that point. Maybe this WAS Kate's ultimate con after all. She conned him to believe that he could have a happy ending. That he could have a normal life too. Now he felt anger. How could you be angry at someone who is dead? But Neal felt anger towards Kate. Or maybe just towards the world and how it runs and makes you feel helpless all the time. Was it just Neal that felt crushed by life? How did other people keep living, getting married, having kids, going to work, or going out with friends when there was Neal who couldn't even breathe? Were there any instructions to this world that someone forgot to give him his copy? Nothing made sense anymore. Neal didn't know when he had laid down next to the grave. He didn't know how much time had passed until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Apparently, someone was calling him for a while. But it was so hard to listen. Or maybe he just didn't want to. It was like he was underwater, and everything else was so far from him, out of reach.
Now that he was back at his old cell and trying to remember the events of yesterday. The only thing he was sure about was that Peter was there. He was not sure if he saw his face or even heard him. But he remembered he felt safe at the touch. It made sense that Peter found him so fast. Where else would he be, except Kate's side? He was supposed to feel disappointed that he was caught again. But he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. He remembered the first night that he drew the first line on the wall. When he was so frightened that he had no control over his life anymore so he had tried to focus on the lines. But each line reminded him of every day that he lost. Every day that he was not with Kate. Her Kate. At the same time, they were also promises that he could get united to her... that someday this ordeal will end and he could forget it ever happened. But what now? What was the point of walking down the road that no one is waiting for him at the end? He chuckled at the thought. He was famous for passing any security measures and getting anything that he wished for. And now? He could not even reach the closest person to him. Now he could not reach his Kate. No matter how much he hoped or prayed. Will this pain ever end? Will he ever feel in control? And that was when he saw the answer that was lurking behind his mind for a while now. There was still a way to feel in control again. To make it right. Or was it "to make it stop"? He was so tired of being tossed around by the powers much bigger than him. It was like all of his life was just a bad dice. He realized he didn't have any chance from the beginning, and he conned himself that he could change that. That was Neal's first con. To make himself believe that he had a chance despite being born in an unstable family who could not care less about him, despite having no one to care for him even when he was just a small kid who wasn't supposed to know how cruel this world can be. And then there was Kate. Who made him feel that he could be happy too. She was like a rope thrown to him when he desperately needed to get out. And now? Someone cut that rope, and he was back down again. Only this time, it was a much darker and deeper place, and Neal only saw one way to escape, and he did what he had to do.
In a few seconds, before he lost his consciousness hanging from the ceiling, he wondered, was this how Life was supposed to be? to end? Feeling overwhelmed with the pain while feeling empty of hope? Maybe he is not losing anything after all.