Beta: Huge thanks to LittleKnux2008 for beta talents!
A/N: This is a bit longer than usual. She's really losing it now, hehe. Hope you find it OK.
Summary: Elizabeth addresses Rodney's recent behaviour, but learns something about herself. WIP. Chapter Seven: pre- and post-Coup D'Etat.
Chapter Seven
Elizabeth looked at her computer screen, and blinked. It was time to stop for the night. Her head ached a little, and her wrists were a little sore. If she wasn't careful, Carson would ban her from typing up her own reports.
She closed her eyes, and sighed softly. Things had been a bit crazy these last couple of weeks. Since she and John had been possessed by aliens and tried to kill each other, things had slowed a little around the city. Even so, a lot was being achieved, and she was up to her eyes in work. Her thoughts strayed to Rodney, and his almost fatal jumper crash, sink, whatever. She'd barely had two minutes to talk to him since; all thoughts of time off, or even mission re-evaluation, were now forgotten like a vague memory.
All her good intentions of letting him help her had slipped away. She had been to see Kate Heightmeyer, though. Finally got round to it, so many months after Rodney had suggested she ought to. It had been more than a week since she'd been, and Elizabeth had tried to forget it quickly. She hated having to face all those feelings, and dragging them all out in front of her had been so hard, so very uncomfortable for Elizabeth.
All her anger at Simon, her brutal dismissal of that rejection, had been laid bare. She thought she was allowed to be strong, but apparently not so. Kate had wanted her to deny that kind of strength. She wasn't ready for that. The psychiatrist had asked Elizabeth to confront her feelings towards Colonel Sheppard. Elizabeth explained she was merely showing affection for a valued team member, not seeing if anyone else other than Simon would be interested in her, as Kate had proposed. Elizabeth had lost her temper at that point, the air had been almost blue. She'd felt a lot better after that.
Kate had insisted they discuss Peter. Elizabeth had tried to resist, and then stick to facts, but Kate would not be satisfied. Every last shred of pain had to be hung out to dry, it seemed. Well, fine, she'd played along, until she was a gibbering, sobbing wreck. She hoped Kate was satisfied.
All she wanted was to be the leader she used to be – strong, comforting, nurturing. But she was no longer in charge, it was. The expedition had ripped her leadership from her, and turned her into a monster. She hadn't used those words to Kate, not yet. She'd missed her appointment yesterday. Maybe in a few days, she would stop by, apologise.
Bed. All she wanted right now was sleep. Not that it would come easily. It hadn't for some time now, not since… well, not since the whole five-sixths of a solar system fiasco, actually.
She made her way along the gallery leading from her office to the control room, and glanced to her left for a moment. Just a breath of fresh air would help. She approached the balcony doors, and they slid aside, noiselessly.
At the railing, she breathed deep, her eyes shut.
Then she felt that sensation. It was unmistakable. How did he do it? Genetically enhanced metabolism? She opened her eyes.
"Rodney. You don't usually…"
He stood by her side, and his voice interrupted, "No, no. I know. Usually too busy in the lab, or something."
"Well, I was just thinking about you, actually." She managed one of her old smiles, the teasing one; although a part of her wondered if he would even appreciate it.
His smile told her he did. "Really? Well, I have been waiting an age for you. I was beginning to get a little cold, actually. You work as late as me."
"You were…? Um. I know. Carson will forbid it one day. Yes, well, I know I haven't had much chance to talk to you since…"
His hand let go of the rail and waved from side to side. "I know. Busy. It's OK. But I thought it really was about time I found you, talked to you, saw how you were doing."
She looked down, ashamed. She was supposed to be the one in charge, the one looking out for her team. Dr Rodney McKay, multiple PhD's in insensitivity, or so everyone thought, was still looking out for her. It must be bad.
"Well, much better for knowing you are around. Even if I continually make a complete ass of myself. Please, let me forget that whole alien life-pod incident. Don't mention it. Anyway, I was thinking, maybe we needed to have that mission re-evaluation? You know, when you were…"
"Delirious? Yeah, I know. Stupid idea. Sorry."
She turned to face him and clutched at his arm. "No, no, Rodney, it was a brilliant idea. Genius, even. It's true. I do… We do need to go back over everything, set ourselves new goals, clear principles. Heck, a prime directive if we need to." Her eyes burned into him, willing him to understand.
He looked down at her arm, and he could hear the break in her voice.
"Hey, it's OK, Elizabeth. You're right, it's not such a bad idea. And I meant it, I'll work with you on that one." He saw her relax visibly. "I'll remind you of all the really bad things we've had to think about, like steal ZedPM's from kids, and torture people with ponytails, and you can decide where we're going wrong. Yeah?" He smiled at her.
She let go of him and held the rail, leaning on it with straight arms, her head down, eyes closed. "Oh, Rodney, that's not funny."
He swallowed. "It wasn't meant to be funny. I'm serious. This whole expedition has turned into some bizarre struggle for survival that I'm not sure we're gonna win. I might get the life sucked out of me any day now. It's… well, we need you to keep us straight."
"I'm not sure I can. We've lost so many."
They stood in silence for a minute.
"Um, so… have you been to see Kate yet?" He was tentative.
"Yes." She noticed the surprise in his face.
"And?"
She gave no reply, simply lifted her head a little, and stared out at the dark water.
He prompted, "We all miss him."
"Yes. We do." She turned slowly, and faced him. "Rodney, it's getting cold out here. Let's go in now."
"Sure. Anything." He looked into her eyes, smiling sadly. He placed a hand on her back, and guided her away from the rail. "Do you… want to get something to eat, before, you know…"
She smiled. "Yes. That would be good. Come on, maybe they still have some of your favourite."
He grinned back. "Maybe they do."
0o0o0
Rodney walked into the infirmary observation room, and finally found who he was looking for – Elizabeth. She was standing near the glass, staring down at the surgical team working on another Genii woman.
Elizabeth looked up and saw him standing there.
"Rodney. Is everything all right?" With her arms wrapped around herself, she tried to be as in control as she could muster.
"Yes, fine. I thought I'd find you, see if you wanted to set a date for the mission evaluation?" He smiled hopefully, coming to stand by her side, and look down at the operation going on below them.
"Sure. We'll go to my office. I just…" her voice trailed off as she watched what was going on.
They stood, silently, just watching. Rodney could sense Elizabeth was not entirely with him, she had so much on her mind. He wished she would let him in, let him back in. Somehow, he'd found his way through the mire that was the horror of the Pegasus galaxy. Sure, he'd faced his potential demise once again today, hostage once more to the Genii, minutes from death, but once more he'd found himself alive, and home. He felt like he could do it. He was capable. But he needed her. He needed to be led.
Suddenly, Elizabeth reached out one arm and just clasped her hand around his forearm.
She whispered, "That woman… she was going to die."
He felt his heart pounding. She needed him, she was holding on to him.
"I know, Elizabeth. It's OK. Carson and his team are helping her."
Before he knew it, her head was in his shoulder, and she was sobbing. "They were dying, Rodney. It's just horrible."
He kind of put an arm around her and just held her as she let the emotion of the day wash out. He suspected she was crying not just for those Genii, but also for the thought that they might have lost Lorne and his men, the thought that he and his team might have been killed. She had a lot of things to face every day, and she just wasn't as strong as she wanted to be, no matter how she acted.
"It's OK, Elizabeth. It's all going to be OK." He drew her around until he could take her fully in his arms. Holding her close with one arm, he used the other hand to stroke her hair until she relaxed into him.
After a minute, he lifted her chin, and smiled at her. "Come on. You'll be OK. Kate just brings it all home, that's all. You know it's a good thing, right?"
She wiped her eyes, and sniffed. "Yes, I know. Thanks Rodney. We're really going to be OK, aren't we?"
She wasn't just talking about the mission now, she was talking about them. And he knew they would be.
"Yeah, Elizabeth. We're going to be fine."
In a moment, she had transformed back into leader of Atlantis, and they left the observation room together.
A/N: What a tough season for McWeir. And ethics LOL.