You're not crazy.
He stayed up 3 nights in a row. All It took was for him to miss one night and his body then refused to let him sleep for another 2. He had to keep working on something, It wasn't exactly his choice.
Donnie has seemed to do everything in 3s or divisible by 3s. He never knew why, it was just something he had to do without control.
His brothers noticed years ago, He'd seem largely uncomfortable if it wasn't in 3s. If he heard the click of a pen he'd click it again 2 more times.
If he heard a bang, 2 more have to follow or he'd get anxious.
His attacks were in patterns of 3s. 3 punches, 3 kicks, 3 strikes with his staff.
They never, ever understood why their brother had this obsession. They thought maybe it was just a different way of thinking, It wasn't exactly as strange as Mikey's behavior at times. But once Donnie started shaking more, Throwing up over the smallest things, Locking his lab doors so all they'd hear is strange bagging sounds..They felt the need to keep a closer eye on him.
October 6th, 2016.
He was about 17 now. Things had been so crazy with the kraang, his friendship with April, Their battles against the Shredder, and his one role in the team and family.
He had about 27 cups of black coffee and kept switching between listening to music, and working on fixing multiple projects and the retro-mutagen. He looked at the time, and ironically, it was 3:06 am. He sighed as he looked back on his strange habits, yet he couldn't find an explanation. He thought at first it could have been a traumatic response to something, Maybe from him slamming his head on the wall or desk, Maybe it's an anxiety tic? He didn't know..But for so many times he's repeated to himself that he's simply crazy.Right now, He was working on a stronger wifi router for the lair so they can use their electronic devices. He needed a screwdriver, And luckily, to avoid another anxiety attack, He kept a set in a drawer under the 3rd beaker cabinet.
He sighed as he pulled it out and felt a heavy grip on his chest, Like something horrifying was coming. A repeating thoughts and nighthawk that appears when he just wants to feel normal.
He looked in his reflection in the glass of the old cabinet and hated what he saw. An overly skinny mutant monstrosity, With dark bags that were revealed by the absence of the purple cloth that normally covered his pale face. He punched the counter under it, Then again, and again. a perfect 3. His strange convulsions to do every movement repetitively in 3s. He could already tell this day would be one of the harder ones.
He heard the faint sounds of doors opening, He looked at the time again. ''How long have I been here..?'
It was now 4:30 am. He doesn't remember standing there that long..It only felt like a couple minutes.
He quickly moved over to the desk, Where his mask was placed on the corner, He wrapped it around his head and triple knotted the back of it before footsteps slowly moved closer to the lab doors, He heard a single knock. Donnie created 2 more against his desk before his oldest brother came in.
"Don..? What are you doing?" He held a strongly concerned look, as he knew this was his habit.
"I..i couldn't sleep." he said guilty, keeping his eyes on the cold floor. He heard movement and tensed as he felt another body step closer to his, the warmth of his brother's hand gently rubbing his left shoulder.
"you're gonna make yourself sick again donnie..you need to sleep."
"I'm fine." His voice exposed how worn he was. He for some unknown reason felt coldness that shot from his spine up to the back of his neck. He grabbed his Left wrist with his right hand and gently rubbed it with his own thumb.
"c'mon..let's get you to bed and i can tell splinter that you need a day off." His younger brother shook his head. "hey..if you need a day off for whatever reason i'm sure it'll be okay." he shook his head again, and leo soon realized it was in 3s. His body started growing weaker, he so badly craved sleep but didn't want a nightmare. Leo moved his arm so it was over his brother's shoulders, He may be shorter, But he was still able to reach. He didn't want to say anything, he was too tired and suddenly any energy or motivation to try drained from him. Like something sucked the life forced out of him. At the same time, He felt as if his heart would burst from anxiety.Another voice soon came that caused Donnie to jump, Nearly falling over. His immediate older brother walked through the lab doors. "Is dorkatello making 'imself sick again?"
''lay off raph, give him a break." Leo retaliated. "Do us a favor and tell Sensei he's taking a health day."
"He looks fine, Why don't he just tell Sensei himself?"
"Raph he isn't fine-"
"Stop." Donnie said in a warning tone, It caught Leo a little off guard, But Raph took it as a sign of him being okay.
"See, Leo? He's fine. Don's a fighter, right?" He said nothing, he started shaking slightly and squeezing his one arm over and over. His anxiety getting worse for no reason.
"Raph, Get Sensei. He can't train like this and shouldn't even be standing right now."
"Stop." He said again..It also he could keep saying, He couldn't push out any other words. "Donnie..?' Raph said, Finally seeing something wrong and finally realizing that his brother wasn't okay. He was right, Suddenly something snapped and his fear of losing control had taken him over again. "Stop! Just fucking stop!"
"Hey! Hey donnie listen to me, you're okay." Leo pulled Donnie closer and tried to calm him down. He was shaking his head and rubbing around his neck with his hands.
"No! No, just please leave!" He shouted, Leo tried his best to hold Donnie, He tried so hard to calm him down, He held his brother's head with both hands to stop him from shaking which only worsened things. "Hey..hey come on, calm down, I'm right here, you're okay.""Just fucking go!" Donnie screamed. Raph quickly grabbed Leo to silently tell him that he needed space. He pulled Leo away from the lab as they shut the doors.
It felt like something was grabbing onto his lungs, Like he couldn't breathe. A part of him was trying to be rational and say it was because he hadn't slept, and this anxiety attackwas a simple product but that small voice was overrun with the constant message of him being crazy, insane even. His breathing was uneven and his knees were weak. He took a hand off his neck and punched his desk. He punched it once..twice..a third time. A forth, fith, and sixth followed until he finally stopped himself. He looked up at his black monitor, and saw his distressed face within. He couldn't find anything salvageable inside him. He didn't see why he was like this..he wasn't too traumatized..at least not to the extent he'll admit.
He sat on the squeaky chair by him, His legs finally getting a break..sort of. His right leg was bouncing like crazy, it felt like he had 0 control. It always feels like he has no control. He put his head on his desk and hid in the crooks of his large green arms. Trying his best to hide any and all emotion even though he was alone.
He sat there for so long, once the poor boy's breaths had come to a steady pace and his heart felt within rhythm again he allowed himself to slip into his thoughts, the terrible thoughts of death, of the kraang, of the mutagen, of his own insanity. Things he goes over time and time again of everything that could ever go wrong. His eyes eventually were blurry from his refusal to rest, but it didn't matter. He was alone. So nothing else could go wrong.
About an hour or so later, His furry father stepped through his doors with a plate of leftover pizza, Figuring it would be the easiest lunch. He set the plate down on the desk and put his old hand on his son's shell. Gently rubbing it and trying to encourage him to look up.
"My son..your brothers informed me that you were in need of a mental health day, do you need anything?" His voice was the same comforting tone as usual..It only made Donnie feel weaker. He felt as if he was a small child instead of a near-adult. Donnie shook his head in the answer of No.
The old rat's frown deepened. "Would you at least like to eat?" He shook his head again. "Donatello..may i see your face?" He paused..then slowly lifted his head, His eyes were red, His face looked numb in some way, But Splinter decided it was from a lack of sleep. His poor son had been having more and more breakdowns, sleepless nights, and days without food over the last years since going up to the surface. He blames himself some for allowing them to go and exposing them to such trauma, but knew it was better than them all dying from an alien force..yet again..seeing his second youngest son's state, he wishes he could turn back time and undo it all.
He gently wrapped his arms around his son, and the only response was him putting his head back down.
"talk to us if you need anything, we're all here for you."
''I think I just want to be alone." he said silently, Worrying his father, but he removed his arms and turned to the door. Before leaving in near silence, He left one more message. "Rockwell and Leatherhead, will be joining us in the lair at 11." He then walked away, His tail trailing behind him as he shut the doors gently.Donnie looked at the food, even though he was hungry he picked up the plate and dumped the contents. He hadn't eaten for days now, but he just couldn't work up the energy to take an actual bite of anything. Luckily his brothers hadn't caught on, seeing as he normally eats in his lab.
Hours had passed, Hours of him trying to play everything off and act as natural as possible, even if he was just passing to the bathroom or the kitchen to get more coffee. His brothers of course were worried, But they didn't want to risk sending him into another anxiety attack.
He spent the whole day trying to work, but ending up dizzy or lost in thought, for a good 2 hours he simply laid on the lab floor after attempting to modify the shellrazer.
Soon, He heard the loud commotion of his brothers greeting their friends at the door. Mikey as usual being the loudest out of the bunch over seeing his best friend.
Leo tried knocking on the lab door again, Only cracking it a little and shouting through "Doc and Leatherhead are here, if you wanna join us." Before Donnie could come up with an answer, The door was shut.
Donnie just continued with his night, pacing around his silent space in an attempt to collect his thoughts again. The loud hiphop music from the main room leaking in slightly as they joke and play games in the other room. Donnie considered it was best not to ruin the night with his presence.Soon, He heard the door slide. As he was reorganizing his equipment the door slid open and closed, but without footsteps. He quickly turned around in fear only to see it was his furred, genius ally. He floats above the ground with a neutral face.
"Did the Cardi-B get to you?" Donnie asked, Meeting his eyes.
"Affirmative, I don't understand your younger brother's genre of music."
"This place isn't sound proof, but it's at least better than that."
"It'll suffice." He said as Donnie got back to organizing, It didn't take the chimpanzee long to notice everything was organized in 3s, and incredibly neat. Adding on the smell of thrown out food from over the day..He fears the tales he's heard from the other turtles may prove a concern.From what Rockwell knows, Donatello has had a strong history of avoiding food, Sleep, Doing nearly most of his movement in an unnatural pattern, and anxiety attacks.
The worried teens had nearly broken into tears explaining this. It didn't take long for the 35 year old neuroscientist to figure out a diagnosis, but he has to be sure, and with making this certainty there is a risk of sending the young scientist into a panic attack, but in the name of his own safety..it's worth it.
"So..How have your projects been going?"
"Slow...but coming along I suppose."
Rockwell fell silent..Trying to think of a way to start a conversation. He moved over to look and the teens work, Everything was amazingly sorted.
"Our team has finally found a warehouse to sleep in, We're creating a lab."
"If this is your way of starting small talk, you're failing. But if you need anything you can borrow stuff from here or break into your old lab."
"Already a step ahead of you, Amazingly simple, I was able to retrieve not only my old work but my colleagues."
"That's great Rockwell." He tried to sound happy, but exhaustion was too hard to hide, Especially from Tyler. He could feel the anxiety, He could feel his depression, His hunger and exhaustion.
"You know, Donatello, My psychic abilities are still as strong as before.""You mean when you beat the shit out of me for being angry?"
"Exactly..and right now..you seem to need a little medical attention."
"I'm..not in pain?" Donnie said, slightly confused.
"Then tell me, dear boy, what do you spend your time doing here?"
"Working, what the hell else would I be doing?"
"Organizing things in 3s, Refusing to eat or sleep, Drinking an obsessive amount of coffee."
"Alright, alright. I'm a teenager, what do you expect?"
"For someone as smart as you to be more aware and honest regarding your mental stabilizim."
"I'm sorry?"
"Sit down for a minute.'
Rockwell moved a chair over, while still floating in place. It must be nice being able to move things with your mind.. Donnie took a seat to humor ape in front of him."Doc..I appreciate your concern, but I'm okay."
"As somebody who studies the chemicals of the brain for a living, I really don't think you're as okay as you say."
"..and what if i'm not ok? There's nothing we can do if I'm not ok."
"I'm a doctor, I'll figure out a way for you."
"And for somebody who made sly comments on my intelligence, why are you suddenly offering help?" He lowered himself, Dragging another chair under him just before he reached a sitting position.
"Because you saved my life."
Donnie fell silent..he didn't even consider the fact that Rockwell could've died without their help. They never ever think of it, it normally hurts them more to remember near death situations or deaths they've already grieved. Rockwell was looking him in the eyes, and Donnie could tell that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Donnie, I understand not talking with your family, Especially your father. but you need to talk to some adult for help."
"I don't need help. There's nothing we can do if I'm not ok."
"You're repeating yourself." Donnie hushed once again. "Have you ever looked into mental disorders?"
"Of course I have, I got worried when everyone started showing signs of PTSD and anxiety and depression. Plus we think Mikey possibly has ADHD.""It's good you've been doing research..have you ever thought you might have one of these disorders?"
I'm just crazy...He knows it too. Donnie thought, Before he could even respond to the initial question Rockwell quickly stopped him from this negative thinking.
"You are absolutely not crazy. Do you understand? "
"I never said I was crazy!"
"You thought it..and i need for you to know that you aren't and never were crazy."
"...then what the hell is wrong with me?" Donnie's voice suddenly dropped to a low, agitated whisper. And Tyler could tell the young boy's anxiety was kicking in.
"If i'm not fucking crazy then why can't i sleep at night? I can't fucking get my mind to stop for long enough for me to have 1 hour without a nightmare or stream of repeated bullshit! I can't fucking eat without feeling like i'm gonna vomit or freak out and everything is just fucked!" He snapped again, Rockwell flinched a little, But it wasn't too shocking. Suddenly, Leo burst through the door in fear that something had gone abysmal. Once Donnie saw him and his other 2 brothers follow a sudden panic attack had triggered, and with that, was the disgusting habit of throwing up even if he hadn't eaten anything. He dodged their fearful gazes and ran straight for the trash can, gagging out whatever contents were in his stomach. Rockwell waved the boys away and with a hesitant, terrified look, left the scene as Rockwell slid the doors shut again. He floated over to the young boy and made sure the tails of his mask wouldn't fall into the line of fire. He rubbed gentle circles around the turtle's shell and waited until he was done. When the young man felt like it was over, He put his arm around the trash can rim and leaned his head against it, trying hard to steady his breaths. His legs were shaky, he felt like he was about to pass out at any second.
"Donatello..i think we should get you to bed."
He didn't respond, in all honesty he couldn't. He couldn't get his heart to stop beating like a jackhammer. Rockwell Lifted both of them, Holding Donnie so he'd feel safer..They passed by everyone else without a word as Rockwell went straight to his room. The room was dark, It was neatly cleaned with everything in designated areas. He laid the boy down in his bed and pulled the blanket over him, Sitting on the edge. Donnie had his eyes only half open, he looked like a kicked puppy at this point.
"Doc..what's wrong with me?" He finally asked, a tear or two leaking from his eyes and into his mask as the fabric soaks it up. Rockwell moved over and untied the back of the mask, draping it over the backboard of the bed. "..i have a few ideas of diagnoses..but we may have to do an evaluation before anything is certain to see what is best for you-"
"just tell me."Rockwell sighed, it was harder than expected to see this close friend of his at possibly one of his weakest states.
"You may have depression, anxiety, PTSD and/or OCD."He heard Donnie sigh, he could feel his urge to just break down again. "i'm 17 doc..i'm almost an adult and got a lot of shit to take care of, the hell am i going to do this if i'm this fucked up?"
"You're not fucked up, A lot of people suffer through this. there are ways to help-"
"And how fucking long will it take to fix me?"
Donnie's eyes stung as more water threatened to fall. Rockwell didn't know what else to say.
"It could take years..but we can find ways to help with all of this, OCD may be a little more difficult, but you'll get through it."
"And how do you know? I'm the fucking weakest of my family."
"Then I'll help you."
"How..tell me how?" He was only getting more and more agitated and angry by the second, and Rockwell couldn't blame him. He looked into the boy's eyes in the most trusting and understanding way hecould.
"Because, we share the same illnesses, Donatello."Donnie looked at him and sighed a little, he was still scared, he still felt like something was crushing his chest. Rockwell levitated Donnie's upper half and wrapped his arms around him tightly, It was a show of strong affection between one struggling person to another. Donnie finally broke down crying into his fur, his silent sobs and breaths being the only sound.
"You're not alone..and you're absolutely not crazy."
Rockwell spent almost an hour holding the young man as he finally allowed himself to cry and process what he was really going through. He stayed with him until he'd tired himself out and finally fell asleep from exhaustion. Tyler laid him down on the bed again, Pulling the blanket over his shoulders again. He knows Donnie may have more nightmares, but he's happy that the young turtle is finally getting some rest and the next day he'll try to find anything he can to help the symptoms. He understands how important mental health is, and how damaging it is.. But hopefully, if he can help this young genius, maybe he can help others struggling.
He got up and began floating away, Opening the door, It didn't matter what Donnie did in the future, just as long as he didn't lose the battle to his mind. He took one last look to make sure he was okay, and gently closed the door.