Her mouth felt incredible.
He had theorized how it would feel like, alone where no one could judge him. The number of times his thoughts drifted to her was mental, but these fantasies were ones he particularly cherished. Nothing could have prepared him for the real experience, though.
The kiss was sloppy, short, and incredibly clumsy, just like him. He had gotten a wisp of that joy, of that heat lovers went on and on in movies and poems, a thing he had already accepted he would never have. Because that was reserved for the mundane, for the ones that had time.
He was grateful, so ever grateful he thought he could cry. There was a chance for him after all, he would not be left astray! He was worthy too, just as the other ones. Fate would not deny him of this as it had denied him everything else.
And what a dream, to not kiss just anyone, but her! The subject of his adoration, the maiden in his dreams. The one he pictured every time someone asked if he had a special someone with a shy smile, the person he knew was the one, as certain as the sky above their heads and all the lovebirds that habited there.
How corny, he thought. But that was alright, to be corny for her.
That was just another signal that his heart was in the right place.
He is putty in her hands, even before the kiss had started he had begun to tremble, scared and amazed by this new experience. He takes her hands for support, like he has seen people in the park do, and begs through her connection for her to give him time, to hang in there. He is eager to make her feel good, to finally tell her all the things that pass through his head when he is with her.
Something happens. The blinding pull that took over both when they sat down closer than ever is dissolving, he can feel it. It´s like a mesh that clouds all reason, where the only voice that matters is instinct, pure wants and needs without caring for consequences, and he feels it lifting, leaving the two teenagers to reason what just happened with their bodies.
He expects laughs, snorts, a smile. He wishes to see the gleam in her eyes that once was reflected someone else, one that is no longer with them, the sign he once told him would be directed to him, and to him only.
It´s what he was promised. It´s what he deserves.
But when he looks up, breathless and dizzy, it isn't assurance what he sees. Not even her eyes are there, the blue sapphires are covered by new bob cut, one he once thought brought them out, but now hides them away from him. It´s not an accident either, she is doing it on purpose.
Pink blush covers her face to the ears inevitably standing out from the head of hair. He tries to approach, thinking that she is just as shy as him, embarrassed to the brim. He still feels her taste linger on the back of his teeth, and dullishly wonders if he could encourage her out of her stupor with another kiss.
He puts his hand on her cheek, or at least that´s where it was supposed to go. She evades it slowly, deliberately, a rejection.
His heart clenches in his chest but he rapidly puts the concern down. They had just kissed, what´s more of an affirmation of her feelings for him than that? She must be thinking like she always does, a clever girl. She must be brooming the new sensation as much as he is.
"What is wrong?" He asks to the dark room, going back to his place in the bed, that after their demonstration of love, feels too far away.
She doesn't respond, and the seed of doubt is planted on the pitch of his stomach, cold fear settling in his veins.
"Anzu?"
"I´m sorry," she says, and her eyes are full of remorse, not love "I´m so sorry Yugi-"
She tries to stand up and leave, but he manages to get her wrist and confused, begs her to stay.
"W-what?" he says, interrupting the string of whispers they had created until then. "W-why are you leaving? Anzu, what´s wrong? P-please, talk to me, did I do something wrong?"
He is foolish and she knows it, blaming it all on him. Ignoring completely that she didn't smile, that she didn't want to. The clear signals that she doesn't want this, that she doesn't want him.
"Please, Anzu, I´m sorry. I didn't want to force you or make you uncomfortable, it´s the truth! I just got caught up in... "he sees her lips, wet with his own taste. His eyes linger there, entranced by what he had just done to her, how good it had felt for him, and how much she had disliked it.
The seed of doubt blossoms, getting its weeds and branches on his heart and head. Repentance fills his senses, and her sweet flavor vanishes, leaving only a sour feeling of incompleteness.
This could have been perfect, but he had ruined it. He always did.
"N-no Yugi, it´s not about you…" She sits by his side, her hand intertwining with his, to maybe comfort him this time. He is relieved that his ministrations weren't seen as an invasion, for the last thing he could ever want is to hurt or scare her.
He looks up again, bewildered. If this isn't about him, his embarrassing inexperience, or his overwhelming rush, what was it?
She still wanted him, didn't she?
"I´m sorry Yugi". She whispers, not looking at his eyes directly. Her eyes had always been sincere, a trait she shared with him was that they weren't good liars. He wants to see them to formulate an answer to this problem.
Sorry for what? For stopping him?
"I shouldn't have let you on as I did," she says, every word landing on him like a boulder. "I should have stopped this long time ago. I´m sorry".
She talks as if she is reading a pamphlet, his rejection had been long ago written, it was planned. He had no saying on this matter, at least hadn't had. It´s as if the kiss was the last nail in the coffin.
No, no! Not like this, he was close! She had to know, she would have a change of heart, certainly!
"What do you mean? A-A long time ago? Then- "
The realization hits him with full force.
Lately, she had begun to stand closer, drawing him near. He couldn't have known when it had started, he was so happy to be reciprocated and accepted in the feelings he had guarded for so long that time had been silk in his hands, he hadn't counted the minutes because he thought it would last forever.
A dark part of him clenches in anger. That´s what it was, wasn't it? It was what he had always wanted, what he deserved. What he promised he would get.
She had touched his hand, inviting him places. She had dressed up just for him, verbally reassured him that she liked his company. They had gone to the movies and talked in the dark, closer than ever before.
Other people looked at both weird, the odd pairing of a stunning dancer with a shorter than average boy whose only known talent had been shuffling cards. The voice in his head, the constant source of discouragement and low expectations, had remained silent because of her. She made him feel deserved, stunning, a prize worth fighting for. She told him he was desirable, as much as everyone else, people on the streets and magazines.
He was the King of Games, after all. And was worthy to be loved.
But now he wondered, where those words untrue? Could it be that she had just put him up in a pedestal to break it down stone by stone? The seed of doubt had evolved into a tree by now, giving fruit in form of distrust and betrayal.
He expulsed the venomous thoughts out of his head sharply, without difficulty.
What was he thinking, she was her friend, first and foremost! The one he had brought along the brink of abyss multiple times, the only security she had had that she would return home safely had been her trust in him, her eternal love. She had known things any other girl shouldn't be allowed to see, the wickedness in people and the danger to those around her, and she had held on, stoic as a bull.
She would never hurt him, that was for sure. But then, why did he feel as if someone had ripped his heart out with a knife?
"I´m sorry Yugi," she said again, a rough sob caught behind her apology. "You don't deserve this; I don't deserve you".
Her words took him out of the shock. What was she saying, she didn't deserve him? That was ridiculous! He could have laughed if he weren't so hurt.
His mind took him to some weeks ago when they had been closer than ever. It had been a routine both had now, coming from school and leaving all their friends in their respective houses to stay at his place for some time until her parents called, and both would walk back to them.
They had been watching a movie, a lazy summer afternoon.
At first, he had felt embarrassed, even with their years of friendship he had never invited her to pass to his own room, full of boyish clutter and adolescence that little by little turned into adulthood. But with time, it had become intimate, the only person who could see where he spent his days and lived his now monotone life.
In an embrace much cozier than any she had given him, he had relaxed in her chest, listened to her heartbeat. And trough that haze of magic and joy, he had confessed to her that he didn't deserve her, to have her so near and willingly. He didn't deserve that she went out of her way to look out for him, to hold him with the same force he held her, and to try to comprehend what happened behind his violet eyes.
For he had taken away the one she had looked at the same way some time ago, the one he knew she wanted to see again soon.
In the evening, the orange light mixed with his love wish, he said that even if he died right there, he would not have any regrets. That day, he swore he saw the same reflected in her blue orbs, a smile quickly hidden by her hand full of bracelets was the only proof he needed.
That day, she had loved him too.
Where was that now? That love? Had it even been there in the first place, or his despair had reaped him to the truth?
"Don't say that Anzu." He replied, the need to know if what had happened days ago was true was clouding his eyes. "Please, don't say that. You are the most beautiful girl in the world, you deserve everything. Tell me, what is happening?" he swallowed, for a moment doubting if he really wanted to know.
"Was all of that…a lie?"
The caresses in his hand stopped slowly, and she turned away again. The tree died in his insides, the broken and empty trunk leaving him breathless.
"Anzu?"
"No Yugi, it wasn't a lie. Don't think that, please".
It should have made him happy, but he has learned from his mistakes. If she wasn't comfortable, if she said those hurtful and simply wrong things, then she must be lying, or at least, hiding some of the truth.
He wonders if he can handle it, for her sake. She has done so much for him, staying by his side and waiting for his return when he is far, a type of support that has been there always before they met him and his life turned into a hunt for what lived inside his heart. Before he was lovable and worthy, when he wasn't fit for her.
Maybe he never was.
"Then what is it? Why did you stop? I´m sorry if I got too excited or bite you, I-I just- it's my first kiss. A-And well, I don't even have to tell you, do I? I-I am really happy. That's all, I´m happy. I didn't want to scare you off".
She doesn't respond, again retrieving to the other side of the bed.
"I´m sorry" he repeats.
"I know," she says, and it surprises him the sadness in her tone. "And you shouldn't be".
"What is going on Anzu?" he pleads again, approaching her back. He hugs her, to maybe soothe whatever ache she has in her mind with his presence, even in this state, he wants to be there for her. They can face it together, he says to himself, just as they had faced everything else.
"You shouldn't be so fond of such a cruel person". She says even while she takes his arms towards her, so she is encapsulated by him, secure.
He whispers in her ear again, nuzzles her neck. She did it to him sometimes when he was upset or sad, and he hopes it has the same effect it had on him.
"You are not a cruel person, you know that," he says, fearful that if he speaks too loud, he might scare her. "Why do you say that?".
"Because I am, Yugi". She responds, breathing on his skin, pulling him closer. "No good person would have done what I just did".
There is a pause, a moment in which she takes her breath, and he processes her words, trying to make sense of them. He is not in the best position to talk about self-esteem even if he has improved somewhat (with a bit of divine help), but he doesn't know why she would possibly think of herself as cruel.
All that she had been to him had been kind. Lovely and perfect.
"Why?"
"Because I don't know if I…" she leaves the answer hanging there, in the air. He nuzzles closer and caresses her neck with his nose, trying to ease her thoughts.
"Go on. I want to know".
"I don´t know if I am doing this right. I-I don't even know what is happening to me…I am not sure about this". She breaks the embrace and looks at him sorrowfully, an apology.
"I don´t know if I want this".
He takes her hands softly, with the uttermost care.
"This?"
"I don't even know if I really want you".
There it was, a fear he had ignored from the start. There is nothing in his heart now, only remorse. How foolish a desperate man can be, to think that the universe would suddenly let him have the thing he most wants without doubting. Fate had denied him of many things, his family, his youth, his destiny. Ones had been gone or robbed, others were already written in the sands of time before he was born, where he couldn't reach or make a change.
And suddenly, he had her, present and willing. No fight, no sacrifice, just the unaltered experience that was teenage love, the only one he had wanted from the beginning of his life. He should have known that this too would be a fight, that his luck had been tamed from the day he found the puzzle.
He holds the emotions that are flourishing in his eyes with force, not letting her see him weak. It´s one thing that she doesn't find him worthy, even worst would give her even more reasons to think so.
Drawing circles in her hands, he takes a deep breath to try to give himself strength. There are many things he wants to ask, and his stuttering won't make it easy.
"Why?"
"Because I am alone. And you don't deserve to be an option…you deserve to be the goal. I´m sorry Yugi, I-I´m so sorry".
Her voice breaks and pulls away from his hands, probably thinking that the statement would make him leave, but he doesn't. He doesn't like to see her like this, so vulnerable and trembly. She was supposed to be cheery and lightheaded, a ray of sunrise in the cloudy storm.
His illusion breaks as he sees her cry for the first time, not for a monster, not because she is trapped inside a dungeon guarded by goons.
It´s because she can't explain what she is feeling to a boy she doesn't love.
"Y-you were so good to me". She breaks down, receiving his reassurance right up, grateful. "A-And you deserved t-to be with someone and I-I can´t even think straight because I don't pick up the only good thing that has happened to me and leave it t-to chase ghosts and living in the past-"
Her sobs make him put the barriers down, she had always been a contagious cheerleader. He hugs her as best as he can, given that he is still a bit smaller than her, and strokes her brown hair with abandon to soothe both.
The mention of ghosts makes him realize something. In a flash of pure understanding, he sees what she is talking about.
This isn't about him, her childhood friend, the one that had been in love with her from the time he understood the concept.
It´s about him, the ghost of the past. And the one who had conquered her thoughts and taken a piece of her with him when he left.
Oh, now he saw. And the understanding makes him feel emptier and hollower, a cave where even if he shouts his own name, it doesn't come back. It only makes visible how much is missing for him to become him.
This sense of unfitness had accompanied him ever since the last duel. Everyone congratulated him without stopping, the ones who knew were ecstatic to see what he would become, a reincarnation of the Pharaoh Atem trained by the Pharaoh himself! A hero from birth, fate´s luckiest star.
And the ones who didn't know, they were expectant to see himself surpass his previous goals, to only wonder what a natural at cards and duels would do once he got the proper education and fame!
But…he isn't fit for the throne. He is too small, too young, too dumb to fill the gigantic spot Atem had left. And to think he had won over him, in the worst days, where the present proved him that nothing had changed from before he built the demonic object, he wondered if his victory had been a hoax. It would be like Atem to let him live his own life even if he didn't deserve it.
It had hurt, to be seen as a shadow, a sprout, something that wasn't done yet. He had to be greater, smarter, scarier, to even approximate to his heels.
Yugi didn't have eyes that shone like crimson or Egyptian magic that could put armies at ease. He was all but a schoolboy, a foolish squire who had been dragged to the battlegrounds and as an accident, killed the Evil Queen.
He disappointed in every aspect, everyone wanted him back, the one who stood tall and proud, the prince of the sands who had saved them time and time again. He could barely live his own life, saving the world was out of his range.
And he had managed, sucked it all up to convince himself that he had learned and grown, trying to believe the words he had said before he died, before he sent him back. Before Anzu had had her heart crushed, without her saying.
You don't choose which one you love; he knew that from experience. If he did, he could have given up on her a long time ago, determined to find this experience and its causes in another maiden, for they were many.
Thousands and thousands of letters directed to the shy competitor to the throne were delivered to him daily, or at least they had. He could have picked one, to find someone who wanted him for who he was and maybe start from square one a relationship he knew she would never reciprocate but…
It wouldn't have been true. It would have been fake, not to him or the audience, but the girls too. He wasn't that much of a fool, he knew that if it wasn't her, if she wasn't the one he was striving to impress, to show off to, it wouldn't be true. His fantasies revolved around her, about her touch and her words, how good it would feel to hear her say the things he knew in his heart he had felt so much time ago…
"I like you Yugi, I´ve always had".
What a dream it would be to love her.
"What do you see when you see me?" he asked, intertwining her hand in his for support, bracing himself for the answer.
"I-I…don't know- what do you mean?"
"Do you see Atem when you see me, Anzu?"
The question is bold, harsh. He hates to make this to her, for even he doesn't know who looks back in the mirror when he changes his clothes or rights himself for a fan meeting. Whose are those purple irises, that multicolored hair? Does it smell like the ancient Nile? Or is good old Shishano the one behind the mask?
Who is the one he left behind in that duel?
"I- no, no Yugi, don't- "she interrupts himself, looking up once again.
She is determined, her anguish and sadness forgotten. The blue sapphires shine with fresh tears, reflecting the light from the window that makes them look like diamonds. She takes his hand in hers, roughly the same size, and presses her lips to the palm.
"Don't say that, please". She kisses his hand slowly, squinting between each contact, wetting him in tears and saliva. "You are much more than him. You are not a replacement".
She kisses the tops of his fingers and frowns sadly. More tears come, and a strangles noise comes out before she can speak again.
"That's the reason I shouldn't be with you, Yugi. You are so good to me, a-always without a care in the world. A-And I just keep taking and taking without reciprocating and- I can't stand it.
It feels good to be loved and for you to t-touch me, a-and I want to show you things a-and to give you what you deserve b-because you have always been with me…
B-but when I look at you I just- I feel something inside me and it tells me that this is not right. That I am lying to you, that I am cheating b-because you are so good, and I-I am not-
I-I didn't choose you to become him! I don't want you to think I did it because you two were alike, it just- I didn't have anyone else to go, I-I trust you! And you always smile at me, and like me, and tell me you want me by your side- I want it too, at least, that´s what I thought, but my stupid, stupid head can´t-
A-And I want to love you, I-I really want to! You are kind a-and safe and you know me and you would never hurt me! A-and you deserve this, y-you have been there from the start! A-And I can't even do the right thing and give it to you because I am a selfish, cruel monster-!"
This is too much. He gets closer and silences her with a kiss, a tender one, not guided by lust or unfulfilled desire but care, by affection. He has never done this before, but he hopes his soft push and the rhythm of his heartbeat can say it for him.
She doesn't owe him anything.
Through her rant, he had realized something again, a day complete of new discoveries. Her words had been true, she had meant every caress, every smile. She had seen him for who he was, for the childhood friend who knew everything about her as much as she knew everything from him, for the boy who had grown with her to be a man.
She won't admit that she reached out for him because she felt alone, she is terrified to be seen as selfish by him, he knows it by the way she remorsefully apologized just now.
If he was right, she had felt like that for more than a year, starvation for a real connection must have clouded her heart. And he had been close, inviting. And he had been too far up on the clouds to notice she wasn't thinking straight.
Don't fret, he thinks as the kiss dissolves. I don't hate you, I never could.
"W-why?" she says, lost in sensation. "Why do you like me even like this?"
"Because I know this isn't the real you". He responds sincerely, confident in his words.
She was confused, scared. He knew her well enough for him to know that even if she gave him a chance, her discomfort would only grow, and more than he lamented the loss of an opportunity with her, he feared to lose her entirely.
First and foremost, she was his friend. Her first, and best friend.
He now knows what he has to do.
"Yugi, I am sorry, I am so, so sorry-"
"Don't apologize." It´s now her turn for him to kiss her hands, caress her cheeks. The tears have stopped for some time now, and the rocky terrain of her pale face is dirty with marks of sadness.
"Let´s get your face cleaned, okay? I know you hate to cry because you think you look bad. Here, come with me".
Bewildered, she follows him downstairs to the bathroom with clasped hands. She holds herself as a newborn giraffe, trembling in her long legs, but she makes it and he hears the flush of water as she gets rid of the smushed makeup.
She gets out clean, but still sad. Her aura is the one he perceives when she is alone, when there is no one to distract her from her own thoughts or when she is out waiting for him, anxiously tapping her foot. He now knows it isn't nervousness, but sorrow. Deep, almost chronic sadness.
Both sit on the couch, next to their backpacks. She sits in a corner, facing away from him while she clutches her article to her chest, the safe atmosphere in which she confessed her most venomous thoughts dissolves at the change of scenery.
He holds back from hugging her to ease the pain, knowing that it would just force her to come out. She had to do it in her own time, and know, with no setbacks.
"Feeling better?"
"Y-yes, a bit. Thank you, Yugi. I-I am-"
"Don't do that, I know." He interrupts her in an out-of-character tone, cutting but kind. When she looks up, he places a sad smile on his features, trying to seem as sincere as possible.
"You don't owe me anything Anzu. Love is not deserved, and we can't force ourselves to feel things we don't feel. I must know, after all, I have been tricking myself into someone I can't be".
She catches the hint sooner than he did and nods empathetically. It´s something that she has known for a long time but hasn't shared out loud because she thought he already knew.
Atem left him to have his own life, not a continuation of his, he had had his own life to do the things he wanted, to ride horses or to duel sacred beasts; his time in the future was borrowed, not reserved, and he knew that when he crossed that door.
When Yugi won the duel, he had won his life back. To ruin or enjoy it, it was his decision to make.
And now, he made a decision, one he suspected Atem would approve of, as much as he knew the Pharaoh would not like it to be made in his name.
"Sincerity is a thing I cherish deeply, Anzu" he started, searching for her eyes.
"And I don't want you to be with me because of a hunch or because you think it´s the right thing to do. I don't deserve anything, at least not from you. The things I have given you were there because I wanted them to, not because you asked for them. If you feel there is something wrong, or that we just don't fit together…
Then I guess- we shouldn't be. Not until you are ready".
She redirected her eyes from his to the floor, understanding dawning on her.
It was true, all he had said. If it didn't feel right, if she didn't like him…then he would have to give her up. For their sakes.
"A-And what if I find someone new?" she said as if asking for his permission. "W-what if I find someone who clicks with me a-and I let you on? What if it isn't you?"
He smiles and nods, completely taken aback by her sudden need for approval. Maybe he really is the only one she has.
"Then I will shake his hand and congratulate him, but I will keep an eye on you. And if he breaks your heart and you decide that the time is right, I will welcome you with open arms. I will be here for you, always, like you have been for me. I won't let you go because you won't date me Anzu, that would be ridiculous".
The hug takes him by surprise. She squeezes tightly, with abandon, murmuring grateful words in his ear and trying to make him cherished from everywhere she can reach at once. He reciprocates slowly, squeezing with the same force.
He only wants Anzu back, be it as a friend or something more. That´s all he ever wanted.
"Go out, meet new people, I will be here waiting for when you need to talk or simply want to hang out. You are my friend, aren't you? And I want you to be for as long as we can. We don't know the future; we may not be together then."
He tells himself they are not like the others, like the ones that appear in movies and resonate through school rumors, lovers that fight and eventually kill their flame because "they loved too much". They weren't like that, and he was grateful.
Those stories never had a happy ending. And he wanted to stretch his for as long as possible, to lose it on the horizon, where he could never see it again.
An unexpected call breaks them out of their fantasy. Her mother is now out of the shop, coming to see her daughter early because of a lucky punctuality gift, or so she hears her say through the phone. A small laugh escapes him, and he accompanies her outside. It is already so late that the streetlamps have come back on, and she puts her brown jacket back on, making her look like a giant puffy moth.
"Take care Anzu," he says as she exits the shop and, in some ways, his life. The part with an embrace, a sign that signifies more than a friendship, as complicated as love.
He hopes no one will hurt her out there, that more people could see this vulnerability and try to cherish it, to make her grow. He knows what he just said about finding new people but…he wants the next one to be one both know. He is too much of a coward to see her with someone foreign to them.
The things he heard in songs, the emotions lovers go on and on in movies, he had a taste, and it was good. She had given it to him, it had been sincere, and he was grateful, and now he knew he was fit for it, for he had grown. Through that process she was there, watching, blossoming in her own way, and though it hurts, he is happy that she was there to hold him while it lasted.
He wasn't left behind, now he can pray to him and tell him that his development was true, for he would not have acted like this some years ago, if it weren't for the things, he taught him. But for now, the ever so complex and beautiful thing some call love…
Is not for him. Not for now, at least.
"I hope that you find what you are looking for".
I hadn't thought Chet Baker would fit so well with this idea I had dancing in my head, but surprisingly, it does. Another vent, this one more detailed.
It isn't complete yet, but this is part of a series, part II out of III. You may be surprised by who takes the lead next time.