This was written forBanana Fish Fluff Week 2021. The prompt is: "I love you!" "Tell me that when you're sober!"
Trigger warning for drunkenness and happy, angry and sad drunk people.
Please always drink responsibly. No Eiji was harmed during the writing process of this story.
What Soberness Conceals, Drunkenness Reveals
When Ash returned to their apartment at 4 a.m., he immediately knew something was wrong.
The voices coming from the living room were pretty loud, bouncing off the walls since his gang had been drinking for a while, which was to be expected. Almost everyone belonging to his gang just enjoyed themselves by sharing life stories, teasing each other and joking around, or playing drinking games. That was a daily routine, and Ash didn't mind as long as they did it after carrying out his orders.
The only one who never got totally wasted was Alex since he was his second in command. Which meant that he was the boss if he wasn't around. So, he was responsible for everyone in case of an emergency or a surprise attack.
What was different tonight, though, was that Eiji was still awake. Eiji had never joined the drinking, and, unlike his gang, he always got to bed early because he was an early riser. Sometimes, he waited for him to return, but usually, he was already lying in bed reading or listening to music.
Today, something was different. He saw it in the way Eiji ran to him. Ok, running
wasn't the right word. When he stood up, he nearly knocked over the table, and his chair fell to the floor. When he ran over to him, he was incapable of walking straight, bumped into several people on his way, wobbling and swaying from side to side. Before he lost his balance completely, Ash quickly moved towards him and caught him.
Eiji's drunken state was confirmed when he smelled Eiji's breath which reeked like beer. His eyes were utterly unfocused and glazed over, and he could only stand because he had both arms around his neck. The beer bottle he was still holding crashed to the floor and shattered, spilling the liquid everywhere. Eiji didn't notice and just smiled cheerfully at him while his cheeks were glowing bright red.
"Ash! You're back! I've missed you so much!" Eiji slurred exuberantly while hugging him tightly. Eiji's radiant smile on his face was so thrilled and carefree that only alcohol could have induced that. Even for Eiji, it was too dazzling, too luminous. He talked too fast and was in overwhelmingly high spirits.
Still, Ash couldn't help but smile for a fraction of a second. Of course, Eiji would turn out to be the happy and compassionate drunk who smiled happily like a fool and told him how much he had missed him. It fit him perfectly. Then, his smile faded, wondering why Eiji had drunk such a vast amount of alcohol. Maybe it was because of their fight last night?
"Eiji, are you fine?" Ash asked, carefully inspecting him. That was probably his first time getting drunk. And beer couldn't get you this drunk. He had often downed some beers with Eiji in the past, so he knew that one or two beers wouldn't be enough to get Eiji that intoxicated. He had mixed in something else. Something far stronger. Like the rum and coke Skip gave him on his first day here in New York.
"Yes, Imfeelingreat! Commonjoinus!" Eiji slurred too fast, let go of him, and tried to grab his hand. Ash pulled away from his hand and instead put an arm on his shoulder so that he wouldn't lose his balance again.
"Why do you look so surprised? And since when are there two of you?"
"Ok, Eiji, I think that's enough for you tonight. Let's get you to bed, ok? You're drunk."
"Huh, why? I'm feeling great!" Eiji replied cheerfully, grinning at him. His eyes were unfocused, but they still sparkled with happiness. "And I'm not drunk."
Ash raised his eyebrows at him. "Really? Then take your pointer finger and touch your nose. If you can do it, you can stay. If you don't, you'll go to bed. Promise?"
"Yes, sure. That's easy." Eiji instantly tried, but his finger landed everywhere but not on his nose. He used other fingers, too, but he never even came close to his nose. When he lost his patience and did it faster, Ash stopped him before hurting himself and poking his eyes out.
"That's enough. And only your first try counted. You failed, so you'll go to bed now. You promised, Eiji." Eiji was about to get mad, Ash saw the stubbornness in his glare, yet after a moment, he sighed and nodded. "Fine. I promised you."
"Thanks, Eiji. You feel great now, but I'm sure you'll change your mind in the morning."
Then, he turned to his gang. "What the fuck happened here? Whoever is responsible for getting Eiji drunk will suffer the consequences tomorrow. I told you to take care of him, not to intoxicate him!" Ash barked out harshly while standing in front of them in a way that he knew would scare them. A posture that screamed cold-blooded leadership and immediate danger.
His gang that had enjoyed themselves only minutes ago froze up at Ash's commanding tone and his cruel death glare. Within seconds the whole room had fallen silent and anxious glances were exchanged among them.
Everyone had paled significantly when they had felt Ash's intense gaze on them, especially Kong and Bones, who were responsible for Eiji's well-being. They both exchanged a glance, then looked at Eiji for help.
"Boss, that wasn't our fault - we… Eiji just mistook my glass of vodka for water and downed it before I could do anything about it - " Kong tried to explain desperately but was interrupted by Ash's cold voice.
"I'll hear your excuses tomorrow," Ash simply said and started to leave, dragging a staggering Eiji with him. Yet, Eiji refused to budge and instead glared at Ash.
"Don't pull Bones and Kong into this when all of this is your fault!" Eiji scolded him in his drunken voice, pounding on his chest with his fist. His accent was more dominant in his intoxicated state, and he added some Japanese words here and there if he couldn't remember the English one. Ash had a hard time understanding him and noticed that Alex, Kong, and Bones were equally confused.
Still, even though they hadn't understood half of Eiji's words, he noticed that they all gaped at Eiji with open mouths. Not his words had been the reason for that but how he had said it—especially the angry tone he had used with him.
Eiji hadn't punched him but had pounded on his chest with so much force that he had shoved Ash into the opposite wall behind him. Usually, Ash wouldn't even let a person come close enough to touch him before he'd fight back and would knock that person unconscious, at the very least. Yet, this time, Ash hadn't even defended himself. All he had done was stare at Eiji in surprise with wide eyes. So, now, Eiji had turned from the happy drunk into an angry drunk? Great!
"How exactly is that my fault when you drink too much? You're older than me, so you should know if you can hold your liquor or not!" He glared at him, his gaze burning into Eiji's eyes, still fuzzy from alcohol.
Then, suddenly, a thought occurred to him. Had Eiji done that on purpose? Eiji had never drunk anything stronger than a beer or two before, so he rarely drank more. He had never touched stronger alcohol because he didn't know what would happen, and he didn't want to cause him and his gang any trouble.
He wasn't like his gang, who drank until they couldn't remember their own names anymore, played endless drinking games, and then passed out eventually or threw up. Eiji always drank responsibly and never took part in his gang's shenanigans or let himself get talked into drinking more.
So, why had he joined them tonight? What had changed? Had the reason been their fight they had had the night before?
Ash cast a glance at his gang, who looked as if they had just discovered a new side of Eiji. No one ever talked with the Boss in such a voice and survived the following day. And no one blamed the Boss or made him responsible for his mistakes. You didn't criticize the Boss. Period. And you certainly didn't order him around and told him what to do. Or what not to do. Ever. The Boss held ultimate authority and his orders and his actions were never ever to be questioned.
That is, until now…
Eiji poked his pointer finger into his chest. "Thisisyourfault. We had a fight, so don't blame this on someone else. This is between us, Ash!" Eiji still swallowed most syllables or pauses between words, so Ash still had some difficulty understanding him and had to concentrate all his attention on him.
"You fought with the Boss? Wow, you've got balls," Bones exclaimed but quickly shut up when Ash shot an icy glare his way. He saw how his gang looked at Eiji with newfound respect.
"Well, it was my mistake, too, Ash," Eiji replied quietly. "Can we talk about this tomorrow? I suddenly don't feel so good." Eiji swayed and would have lost his balance if Ash hadn't caught him in time.
"Yes, no wonder. You've never drunk so much," Ash scolded him lightly but pulled him closer to assure him that he wasn't alone and he'd take care of him.
He turned to his gang, giving them a threatening last glare. "This isn't over yet! We'll talk about this tomorrow."
Then, Ash put Eiji's arm around his neck, supporting him, and went to the end of the hall where their bedroom was. He sat him down on the bed and scrutinized his face. "Eiji, how are you feeling? You look awfully pale. Will you be sick?"
Eiji shook his head, then groaned out in pain and rubbed his temples.
Eiji took some medication and filled a glass with water, and handed both to Eiji.
"Here, take this. You'll feel better. Here are painkillers. For your headache."
Eiji nodded, took the painkillers without protest, and emptied the glass.
When Ash had set the glass down on the bedside table, he hugged Ash and started sobbing.
"I don't want to fight with you, Ash. I know you protect me by not telling me certain things. Still, to me, it feels as if you don't trust me. I drank too much because I wanted to forget our fight. I - love you. I shouldn't have said that. Sorry." Eiji still brabbled too fast and still swallowed some syllables or words, but he didn't add any Japanese words anymore.
So, now, he had turned into a sad drunk. Some people went through all the drunk stages in one night. From dazzling happiness to profound anger to utter sadness. Eiji was one of them. Now he had reached the stage of sadness and had remembered their fight. Ash felt guilty about that fight as well. He should have explained his reasons to Eiji. Instead, he had yelled at him and had run away. Like a little kid. So, he could relate to Eiji's feelings.
Ash was still surprised by his words. Eiji had never told him he loved him before. He wondered if his drunken state had triggered that confession or if those were his true feelings and liquid courage had helped him to put them into words.
He hugged him back. "Eiji, I do trust you. Always. I just don't want to put you in danger. I want to keep you safe by protecting you from the harsh truth. I'm sorry if I made you feel useless and hurt you. But I can't lose you, too. You're everything to me. You light up my world. So, I want to protect you at all costs. Always." A single tear slid down his face. Eiji wiped the tear away with his thumb and smiled sadly at him.
"I just wish I could help you more. Support you or fight by your side. Do anything. I feel so useless sometimes. Like a burden. I'm sorry I drank too much. I was just so worried when you just ran away after our fight. I ran after you, but I couldn't find you."
"You ran after me? Why?" Ash asked in surprise.
"I was worried about you. And I wanted to apologize. I said some harsh things because I was frustrated that all I can do is wait and pray that you'll come home safely. I'm always scared you won't come back one day. I don't want to lose you.
I just wanted to forget that fight and all those words I've thrown into your face. But it didn't work. Even alcohol couldn't blend out the fight."
"I'm sorry, Eiji. But you're not useless. You're the reason why I keep fighting. Why I always come back. Because someone is waiting for me. Someone who is genuinely good and cares about me. Someone who never asks for anything in return. You're always there for me, even if I'm weak or have nightmares. You don't know how much that means to me. You're my safety blanket and my sanctuary. I feel safe as long as you're here by my side."
"I was afraid that our dumb fight destroyed our bond. What we have is special. I don't want that to end. I love you, Ash." Ash kissed him on his forehead, then stroked the back of his head, running a hand through his black hair.
"Idiot. A fight won't change anything between us. It's normal to fight from time to time. Eiji slowly nodded and cheered up instantly.
Ash removed some damp strands out of his still flushed face. Then he looked directly into his eyes that were still a bit clouded but not as unfocused as before.
"How much did you drink?" When Eiji glared at him, he added something else to explain why he had asked that. "I'm not blaming you, Eiji. I'm just worried, ok?" To confirm that, he gently put a hand on his shoulder.
Eiji's gaze softened at once because he saw the truth revealed in his eyes. He sighed and looked down at his hands.
"Just a few beers. And something far stronger. But that was an accident. I thought it was water. I'm sorry, Ash. I only make your life harder. You'd never get this drunk." Ash smiled at that because he knew better.
"That's not true. Shorter got me pretty wasted several times. But as the leader, I can't afford to get drunk now. I'm responsible for everyone here. If we have an emergency, I have to be fully alert and take the lead."
He noticed how exhausted Eiji was. He could barely keep his eyes open and rubbed at his temples. He'd suffer from a major hangover tomorrow.
"Eiji, please go to bed and rest, ok? I'll be here if you need me." He pulled the blanket back and helped Eiji lie down, then covered him with the blanket. He hadn't bothered to convince Eiji to change into a pajama because he was already half-asleep and in a daze. When Ash wanted to leave, however, Eiji suddenly grabbed his wrist.
"Wait! Sleep with me? Please?"
When he heard those words, his initial reaction was raw panic, and he tried to wriggle out of his grip, to flee, to escape. However, when he heard Eiji sobbing quietly, he remembered that those words had come from Eiji. A few seconds later, he realized that it had been a question, not a command. So, he turned around and looked at Eiji's face, which had flushed bright red in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, Ash. I didn't mean it like that… I'm the worst… Tears welled up in his eyes. "Please don't leave!" His hand reached out to him. Ash instantly reached for it and moved closer again.
For a fraction of a second, he had forgotten that Eiji was drunk and had slurred those words without thinking about them. English wasn't his mother tongue, and his drunken state and fuzzy-headed mind wouldn't exactly improve his English. And he knew what Eiji had wanted to ask. He had just phrased it the wrong way.
He sat down beside him again and smiled softly, rubbing g soothing circles into the back of his hand. Eiji always did that when he wanted to calm him down.
"I won't leave. I know what you meant. You wanted to ask if I could sleep next to you, right?" Eiji nodded, and Ash saw pure relief reflected in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry, Ash - " Tears streamed down his face. Ash cupped his face and wiped them away with his thumbs, smiling at him.
"Eiji, it's fine. I was just surprised, that's all. Let's go to bed, ok?"
He gently pushed him down into the cushions again, then lay next to him and put the blanket over them, and switched off the light. The room wasn't drowned in darkness because the New York city lights were still illuminating the room a bit. New York was never asleep or dark. The city was always buzzing with life, even at night. It wasn't called the City That Never Sleeps for nothing.
"Can I come closer?"
When Ash agreed, Eiji smiled softly at him in a way that surprised him. It was a soft look he hadn't seen on Eiji's face before.
"I love you, Ash."
Ash stared at him for a moment in disbelief. Still, he saw the honesty in Ash's eyes. "Idiot. Tell me that when you're sober!" he scolded him stubbornly. Then he moved closer and whispered something into his ear.
"I love you, too."
Eiji beamed at him and giggled. It was so wholesome and contagious that Ash had to smile, too. Now, their faces were so close; their noses were nearly touching. Eiji looked better now, looked at him softly. His warm look always made him feel safe, and a fuzzy feeling spread through him. Eiji touched his cheek and stared at him.
"What are you staring at?"
"You. Always."
Ash felt how his cheeks heated up and stubbornly turned away from him.
Eiji gently turned his face towards him again. "You look cute when you're blushing. You always look so much younger and like a normal teenager. I love it." A moment of silence passed between them before Eiji asked something else. Something that Ash hadn't expected at all…
"Ash, can I kiss you?"
"What? No!" Ash exclaimed too harshly because Eiji had totally caught him off guard. Eiji immediately backed away and let go of his face. Even if he was drunk, he always respected Ash's boundaries. If he said no, he accepted that. Even if it hurt him.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you felt the same." Eiji turned away from him, but Ash had still seen his look overwhelmed by a deep sadness and how a single tear had rolled down his cheek.
Damn it, why do I always hurt the person that means the most to me? I'm such a bastard sometimes. I should at least give him an explanation. And it'd better be a good one.
"Eiji, please look at me, ok? You're right. I feel the same, and I want to kiss you, too." Eiji turned around to him at once. "Then, why?" he asked curiously.
"I want to make sure that I have full consent from you. At the moment, you're drunk. I don't want to take advantage of that. It feels wrong. It feels like the kiss I forced on you in jail. I don't want to repeat that mistake."
"So, kissing me was a mistake?"
"What? No!" He took a deep breath and tried to calm down because he saw Eiji's confusion. "But not asking you for permission was," he explained in a softer tone. "I just caught you off guard and used your surprise to achieve what I wanted. That was wrong and unfair towards you. I used your inexperience to my advantage. I don't want to repeat that. This time, I want to have full consent from you."
"But you do."
"No, I don't want to use your drunk and weakened state. If you still want to kiss me tomorrow, I'll say yes. And…" Ash wanted to add something, but that was so embarrassing. He hid his face in the blanket so Eiji couldn't see it.
"Ash, please, I want to hear the rest you wanted to say."
Ash peeked out of the blanket with one eye, looking at him. "I want you to remember our kiss. If I kissed you now, I wouldn't be sure if you'd remember it tomorrow."
"I could never forget your kiss, Ash!" Eiji burst out stubbornly. Then, he added something in a more gentle tone. "But, I guess, I understand your reasoning. So, I'll ask you again. Tomorrow."
"Thanks, Eiji."
"Can I sleep on your chest?" Eiji asked, yawning.
"Yes, but why? That can't be comfortable. For you, I mean."
"I can sleep better if I hear your heartbeat. It's a soothing lullaby because it means you returned safely to me. And I feel safer and can sleep more soundly."
He placed his head on Ash's chest and snuggled closer, his face perfectly content and happy. Ash placed the blanket over both of them and put a hand around his back.
"I feel the same, Eiji. Thank you for staying by my side."
But Eiji was already sleeping soundly, a small smile on his face. He mumbled something that sounded like I Iove you before reaching for his left hand and gently intertwining their fingers.
Thank you for reading!
I've always had the head canon that Eiji would ask Ash to sleep with him and phrasing it the wrong way. What he meant was 'sleep next to me or by my side' but since his English wasn't that good, he didn't understand the little nuances and differences, so he used the wrong choice of words. I loved that idea, so I added that to this story, too.